the virgin and the slut

(or, twisted attraction)

Well, that's not a fun subtitle, is it?
Don't be sad...or at least not prematurely so. My point is that humans have so degraded and maimed sex, that there is virtually no attraction untwisted.
Okay, now be sad.
Or better-stated, there's no culturally-sanctioned response to attraction that isn't twisted. Except perhaps in people who are moderately sedated - we tend to give them a bit of a free pass. Hence drive-through liquor stores.
Humans are born to fuck, and we ignore that to our cataclysmic peril.
My own response to this has evolved to the point that there seems to be only two types of woman who attract me. The virgin (but not exactly) and the...no, not whore. Although the whore (or more precisely, slut) is one of the few humans who earn my automatic respect. Except most sluts are only so because of the aforementioned alcohol...which cancels that admiration society right quick.
No, the virgin and the...our male-centric language doesn't even have a word for it! "Goddess" is vague. Empowered bitch? That's not it, because of the callous connotation, but it's close. A woman living on her own terms and claiming her sexuality, heedless of the minders of morality.
Nor is "virgin" accurate in any literal sense, as anyone who esteems virginity reveals a conspicuous level of intellectual and moral retardation. Spiritual virgin, then? One who believes in the life-changing potential of love and carnal healing, and is utterly emotionally open to it? Well okay, no woman (or man) is utterly emotionally open to anything, in this fear-founded world of weeping insecurity. But you get the idea.
I had crystal examples of both attractions this week.
I got in line at a local breakfast cafe, and a woman simultaneously fell into place next to me. I was nearly paralyzed by her breasts. I steeled myself over the next few minutes, trying to not look ("trying" being the operative word). Don't judge me harshly...this was a woman obviously accustomed to being the most attractive woman in most rooms, and she had NO problem with that, as her boobie-revealing attire attested. She seemed so self-assured, i've dreamt that she was smart enough to see through the idiocy of our sexual landscape. I've dreamt of offering to be one of her co-husbands, raising her children with other loving men, in non-possessive bliss. In the days since we met, i've fantasized the following playful dialogue:
ME: Thank you.
HER: For what?
ME: For being the only woman in the room not staring at me, or trying to take me home. In appreciation of that, here's my number. Don't, DON'T get too excited...i'm not saying i'll return any calls. But you deserve at least a chance.
The reason i didn't say those (or any) words to her, was because i didn't want to be "that guy"...treating her as some prize in the game of life. Even though she was probably eminently comfortable being hit upon, it still would have felt tawdry. Shallow. Perhaps i'm not giving myself enough credit? Perhaps the fact that i was attracted meant that i intuited some spark of real intelligence? Perhaps not...it's hard to trust intuition when confronted with mind-melting breasts, and you haven't had sex this year. But that's the problem with women who are attractive enough to have some semblance of a positive self-image - an almost inevitably inflated sense of entitlement. How hard is it to NOT believe you're worth more than other women, when the world assures you you are? How hard is it to believe that you DON'T deserve men fawning over you, when they seem all too happy to do so? Was she a bright, caring human? I can't say i felt that with any degree of certainty.
And i certainly didn't want to be just one more male ignoring other women for her sake.
Attraction-paralysis!
In this world, less attractive women with superior intellects are great...and all too often crippled in self-worth. And yes, "attractive" has a significant degree of cultural relativity...but not an absolute relativity. Physical attractiveness is objectively, measurably real, as cross-cultural studies reveal. Do i wish that weren't so? Absolutely. But i'm tired of crucifying myself for not being able to desire all women equally.
My second attraction was to a young woman who looks even younger...so much that i refused to allow any lustful thoughts until i was told her actual age. But even her real age is considered "inappropriate" for me by the moral watchdogs. Yet i felt magnetically pulled. And when we finally spoke, i was struck by her maturity. She had an instant liking for me too. The only pitfall in my now-unleashed fantasies, is our experience gap...even with her relative maturity, she's not likely to have yet risen beyond all the cinderella crap this society dumps on its female young. But knowing that, i shape my fantasies around it...dreaming of offering her all the monogamous exclusivity she might want, for as long as she might need. Her youthful openness stirs in me most beautiful dreams, of showing her what actual non-selfish loving can (and should) be. Of doing so, before this world crushes and embitters her spirit.
But it's hard to imagine being open with her about this, at least not until we know more about our compatibility. Suppose there are holes in that compatibility? Given her youth and my singularity, that's more than a little likely. Yet the very premise underlying that kind of compatibility is flawed...the idea of the lover who perfectly matches or complements us. Finding that "special one", and then...forsaking all others, is i believe the phrase?
In the meantime, two people who could have so much to offer each other (but mightn't measure up to a dysfunctional Disney dream), keep each other at arm's length. Not even holding each other, which should be the very least love their mutual affinity merits.
Attraction-paralysis...
I got it bad, and that ain't good...