K

WOMEN 65
Another wonderful human person who got steamrolled by the presence of Vanessa. We met online, when i answered her "strictly platonic" post. She was in her twenties, and had worked in Silicon Valley for five or six years. She was intelligent and thoughtful, with hippie-esque inclinations...but kept a stultifying regular job in the business world. She came from a loving family, but had not had much physical intimacy, preferring to save herself. She was outdoorsy and a bit shy, though assertive enough in her dealings with the world. She lived in a nice little apartment on the Lower West Side. We wrote long letters. When i sent her my in-depth "long resume", she jokingly said she was already in love. We liked many of the same books, especially Vonnegut's. We met after a few weeks. I was upfront about my experience with Vanessa, which had ended a month or so earlier. We had some nice walking-around-Manhattan moments, mostly at night. She was nearly as tall as i, not waifish at all, but in decent enough shape for someone who sat on her hinder for a living. She had mid-length light brown hair, and was often frazzled from too much work. On our one really memorable night, she was buzzy-headed and semi-feverish from fatigue. We walked around a bit, then took some falafel to her place. I'd told her i wanted to take things slowly, and when she invited me to spend the night on her couch, i happily said yes. She gave me sheets, and i informed her i had no underwear. She said that was okay. I settled in. Eventually she got pensive, and said she had a strange request. I told her i couldn’t imagine anything i'd say no to. She said that her head felt so funny, and asked to rest on my stomach. I walked my naked self to her. She laid her cheek on me, facing my feet. I propped myself on my elbows. She was so warm. We talked, and i felt blood flow to my groin. My arms wearied, and i asked to move to the pillows. In the weeks and months that followed i wished i'd let my arms suffer longer, just to extend that surreal moment with her face inches away from the tip of an erection. We then spooned and talked, as i caressed her hot head. We fell asleep, and awoke to birds chirping on the tree outside her window. Later that week, sexuality crept into our embraces. The night after that, she wore no top, saying i was rubbing off on her. Baby kisses became part of our embraces. After another couple nights, i think she got fully unclothed, but...she'd started talking about how amazing and moving our first kiss had been, and i realized that there was a growing imbalance. Our kisses had been sweet and lovely for me, but with little deep emotion attached. She decided to step back for a while. I thought we would get together after two or three months, and was taken aback when she resumed writing a few weeks later. We wrote and talked and met again, but…my feelings for Vanessa were as strong as they'd ever been, and i was growing increasingly miserable over the thought of K being hurt. I just didn’t want to subject her to my current state of mind, as it felt unlikely i'd ever have a consuming attraction for her. She mentioned that her 19-year old cousin (along with a best friend) was coming to live with her for a bit…and when i started having fantasies about these nubile teens i hadn't even met, i knew more than ever that i didn't want to expose K to me. She let me go. For many many months, i looked at a Vonnegut book of hers which lay in my room, and thought of writing, to tell her how wonderful she was…but even with Vanessa’s presence finally leaving my life, i felt i couldn't be what K wanted. After the better part of a year i called. She was shocked to hear my voice. She said she was moving out west. After a few minutes of small talk, we got cut off. Thinking she may have hung up, i didn’t call back, and didn’t hear from her again. As i look back, i realize K was perhaps the last time i approached a woman with an openness to finding some lifelong monogamous relationship. Even if i knew she wasn't it, i still dreamt of it. I had already been long suspicious of monogamy, and disdainful of cinderella nonsense, but hadn't yet realized the science of how biologically maladapted for monogamy humans are. In a society that wasn't insanely dysfunctional, K and i would have been wonderful lovers for a time, and true friends always.