The Offhand Club

offhander - (n.) Someone who uses their non-dominant hand to masturbate.

You may not be as unique as you think.
If you're an offhander, that is.
I've been an offhander for many years, and for most of that time assumed that this was just another example of wacky, quirky me, and that i could generally count on being the only offhander at any party.
Not so fast.
The topic of masturbation came up while chatting with friends on a recent road trip, and i discovered that half the people in the car were offhanders. While i'm not suggesting that this means that 50% of the population go the other way, i am suggesting that perhaps there's one in every crowd, at the very least. There are several compelling reasons why someone might become an offhander:
THE SENSITIVITY FACTORThis may be the rarest factor, but i'll start here since it's what brought me into the off-handing world. At a certain point in their sexual lives, people who think about sex a whole lot (not just doing it, but the intricacies thereof) may realize that, because they've always masturbated with their dominant hand, their off hand is far less dextrous in matters sexual. This lesson is brought home the first time you try to masturbate with your off hand. Ever see the first time someone tries to throw an off-handed ball? That's what your first offhanding attempt will be like. Most people might let it end there...but there are a few intrepid souls in this world who want to be ready when, say, two women ask you to simultaneously masturbate them. The fact that this has never yet happened to me, makes me no less determined to be "ready for my closeup" the moment the DeMille twins, Carla and Darla, beckon. So began my own offhanding journey. You will be happy to know that, even though you might never shoot an off-handed basketball through the hoop, proficiency in sexual offhanding comes quickly. In fact, if you don't mix it up, you'll quickly find that your dominant hand feels clumsy.
THE INJURY FACTORIt's likely that the majority of offhanders became initiated to this world through dominant-hand injury. I don't know the numbers, but i think we can assume that the greater percentage of hand injuries are on the dominant hand. When faced with a masturbationless month on account of a broken pinkie, i suspect there are very few people who won't quickly introduce Mr./Ms. Tinglybits to Mr./Ms. Offhand.
THE MOUSE-PORN FACTOR
Credit for this one goes to astute reader Max, who pointed out that auto-doodling while looking at computer porn requires that your dominant hand be engaged in operating the mouse. As someone who always takes my tingly bits to bed (or the shower or the driveway) for masturbation, i never would have thought of that.
THE HANGING FACTORThis last factor is the reason that there are probably more male offhanders than female. At a certain point in most male's lives, they will realize that their junk is hanging more and more to one particular side, and many will then wonder whether years of dominant hand yanking and spanking has been a contributing factor. I can present no evidence that offhanding will bring you "back to center", however. After years of offhanding, i still hang to the right.
So, the next time you find yourself at some festive gathering where the conversation is flagging...next Thanksgiving dinner, perhaps...you can now inject a shot of adrenaline into the discourse. Ask all the offhanders to raise their hands. Either one will do.
The Offhand Club.
Can we get T-shirts made?