polite genital kiss

Who were those visionaries who saw the minute gears of a massive world turning, and had one single moment of inspiration that blossomed into something bigger than us all?
The first Scotsman to leave his underwear at home?
The first Greek to kiss double-cheek?
The first Frenchwoman to french? (and yes, it was a woman...men are only so creative at making things go boom)
Were these visionaries aware of what they wrought, or did their moments come unconsciously, simply doing what they must?
The first music fan to hold aloft a lighter?
The first New Orleansian to flash her boobies for costume jewelry?
The first black person to fist-bump? (this one was very conscious...some ebony machiavelli creating something for white boys in corporate offices to eagerly copy in their desperate need for acceptance and forgiveness)
I'm ready.
Ready to take my place among history's creators of culture and molders of mores.
In this modern world, advances in technology can change our lives so quickly that interpersonal gestures and language lag behind. Conventionally, the polite ending to a failed first date is a shoulder-led hug, a mawkish handshake, or at most a kiss on the cheek. But are those gestures appropriate to the computer age? We no longer meet the way we used to. Why should we part the way we used to?
In ancient times, people on a first date actually knew each other before they dated. Amazing, i know. They had interacted in some social setting, and generally had a reasonably good idea of whether they might want a naked pillow fight with their date partner. Yes, there was the occasional blind date, but less than most people imagine. Blind dates make great Hollywood devices, but in the real world...well, when i was first tossed into the dating pool, internet romancing was only a gleam in Al Gore's eye, and i've been on exactly zero (0) old-fashioned blind dates in my life. I've set up exactly zero (0) blind dates in my life. Maybe that's just me? No. Everyone who's ever had a blind date, stand up. If you're standing, you're quite the adventurer (or perhaps just more open about your desperation than most of us, bless you).
But in the computer age, almost all first dates are...blind. You get yourself all scrubbed and presentable, do a thorough tongue-scraping, make sure you have enough money in your wallet to cover things if he or she doesn't go dutch, and get ready to invest a couple hours of your all-too-fleeting life in the presence of someone who might make your skin crawl.
A few among us have the presence of mind to flee the scene the instant they spot their intended.
The polite or stupid rest of us usually squirm through an excruciating interlude of cappucinos or museum chit-chat, during which your libido is as dead as those items in the glass cases. At the end of which, we muster the courage to actually put our arms briefly around this sexless, pathetic wonk before somebody says "Let's do this again". One of you might even mean it (but it sure ain't you).
It's time to humanize this process.
An era of blind dates is an era of failed dates. Even if all things add up (which they don't), at best we're looking at a 25% success rate, given the four possible outcomes: mutual antipathy, he/she wants you, you want her/him, or mutual ecstasy.
25%. At best.
So it's time to soften this process for all of us. Heck, for some, saying "no" is even more painful than being rejected.
We need a new failed date gesture. Something more merciful than the methods currently employed, which allow for hope where none should exist. Even if you're leaning in for your hug at a forty-five degree angle, it's possible for the other person to think, "I'm being HUGGED! They want to hold me!!"
It's time, my friends, to say hello to the polite goodbye genital kiss.
Here's how it works.
Anyone who lives through a first date with someone they'd rather put behind them as quickly as possible, must signify this fact by kneeling before their date partner when it's time for goodbye. The person standing will know that it's now their job to lower their pants. Or lift their skirt. Underwear down, too. The kneeler gently kisses the stander on the genitals. Both parties then proceed with their lives.
I'm talking about closed-mouth kissing. Get your mind out of the gutter.
The societal benefits will be immeasurable. The stander's sense of rejection will be enormously mitigated. How can any day be bad when your genitals were kissed? It's psychologically beneficial for the kneeler as well, a gentle reminder that they probably have WAY too high an opinion of themselves. You're too good for this person, Mr./Ms. kneeler? Actually NO, you're probably not...and it's probably good for everyone concerned that the whole world gets to see how great you think you are. In a world like that, we might just start finding it harder to throw people away like used tissues. And think of how many romances might be born of a bystander observing a goodbye genital kiss, who is moved to provide the receiver with some on-the-spot comfort and commiseration.
The most complicated scenario will be if both parties find the date a crashing failure. When this happens, they must simultaneously kiss each other on the genitals. The simple logistics of this will humanize the experience...for at least one tiny moment, the comedic intimacy will most assuredly create a genuine human connection. I'll go even further, to predict that some of the most touching love stories of humanity's near future will involve Grandma and Gramps admitting to their grandchildren that yes, their first date ended with a mutual genital kiss.
Then they'll argue about who kneeled first.