...and videotape?

THEATER 54
-fall 2000
(Note: to any copyright lawyers reading this, the following account is fictional, designed solely to romanticize my pathetic existence)
Previously at the Orpheus, i had been paying royalties (mostly), but now i intended to adapt a movie. As i didn't see any way to squeeze six or seven figures worth of royalties out of a $1000 budget, it was time to go guerilla. A staged version of the script didn't exist, so i did some streamlining and re-shaping. From the first time i'd seen the movie, the drifter with videotapes of women talking about their sex lives had been one of my dream roles. He hasn't been with a woman in years, and uses the tapes to get off. I cast Jim Hawley as my old college buddy, the philandering husband. I cast newcomer Melissa Williams as the philanderer's unfulfilled wife who falls for me. She was an incredible find, fun and funny, a veteran of the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Newcomer Jennifer Weeg played her sister, who is having an affair with the philanderer. A local nurse, it was her acting debut. I was confident that all the talent around her wouldn't let her look bad. Adam Cornelius, a rolling stone newly-arrived in Lee County, played the wife's therapist. His talent was delightful, as was his personality (thoughtful, humblingly open, and funny). He assisted with the directing. For our final character, the bar dude, i was able to coax Shane out of retirement. He had never felt proud of his work in ODD COUPLE, and had resisted acting again. The part of the dude was just right. A few short scenes in which he hits on girls (sitting at the actual Orpheus bar, which audiences always loved), during which the rest of us ran the lights and sound. He was hysterical, coming up with impressions of a jawa and Michael Caine in ZULU ("Don't you throw those bloody spears at me!"). We went through several casting choices for the sister, but Jennifer ended up having just the right energy. Cast chemistry is an unpredictable thing, and i am amazed at how often we gelled in just the right way, occasionally in the face of adversity. I got Amanda into the show by having her record the voice of a woman being interviewed. She confided to me much later that she skipped the auditions because she thought the show was going to be bad, and that when she saw it, she realized how wrong she'd been. For me, it was a dream. Jim was wonderful as the cocky narcissist. He came up with a few lines of his own, all funny stuff. He developed a huge crush on Melissa, which i did my best to deflect while the show was running. Jennifer provided the Orpheus's second unscheduled live nudity, the night Jim grabbed her sheet, not realizing she was topless (sadly, i didn't see it myself). Working with Melissa was pretty sublime. She was so giving and sensitive. To be able to live my character was intensely amazing…as far as i know, that famous actor and i are the only ones to have ever played the part. Our edgy-loving Tony loved the production. By now, Mallous family tensions had been alleviated somewhat. Jimmy, the oldest brother, either loved you or hated you, often within the same week. He never left the kitchen, and called us "fucking gypsies" (eventually it became a term of endearment). I wished that the Cafe were able to feed my actors occasionally, but it was their first year, so i understood. We didn't sell out, but we had decent crowds who were happy. Hollywood lawyers never showed up to shut us down, which i had been dreading. Later that year, i did get a call. I told them what they needed to hear, and that was that. I'm sure it helped that we were the tiniest of operations. For the end-show song, i chose "Fa Fa", by little-known Guster. By our third week, it was such happiness to see the actors singing the song in post-show celebration.