fanny pack!

This week is a new fanny pack week.
I've been wearing fanny packs since...well, a long time. I started wearing them probably ten years after the seven months in the 80s when they were fashionable.
I loves my fanny packs.
You might think anyone wearing one these days (who isn't an octogenarian in sandals and white socks) only does so to flaunt their unfashionability in the world's face. Nope, that's not why i do it...that's just an unexpected bonus.
I wear them for the same reason i do most everything. Purest practicality. Without all my carry-around stuff zippered up, it would fall out of my pockets whenever i'm upside down. It perplexes me that most people don't plan for the possibility of being upside down on any given day. I suspect a pack also makes a pickpocket's job harder...though i have no confirmation of that. Any professional pickpocket reading this, i'd be grateful for the lowdown.
Once in a while i'll take my wallet out, and put my fanny in my backpack for purely cosmetic reasons. Like for an audition...a fanny pack is such a symbol of silliness, it can become the only thing someone might remember. And other times, like when i'm doing storytelling for school kids, i've been known to ditch the fanny. But i'm weaning myself of that little remaining vestige of self-consciousness. To me, fanny packs are the perfect symbol for how stupidly sheeplike we are. If there had never been a fashion backlash against them, do you doubt that they'd be everywhere?
A fanny usually lasts about six months before needing to be replaced. Zippers break, pocket linings degrade...
All fanny packs are NOT created alike. I find them in thrift stores or garage sales, and usually have a replacement one ready months ahead of time. I can afford to be picky, which is good, as there are a lot of crappy fannies out there.
Dear dear...did i just say "crappy fannies"?
Let's move on.
Many fannies are embarrassingly cheaply made. Poor stitching, cheap material...there are also many middle-of-the-road fannies. I'll get one of these if the design or color or emblem are festive. Occasionally you'll find a really, really nice fanny...hand stitched, of quality material. The ultimate expression of fanny excellence however (for me, anyway), is the amount of zippers. The more, the better. Some fannies have only one zipper. A serious fanny-enthusiast would never consider one of these; all your contents get swirled together. You've got to be an extremely hardcore minimalist to not be affected by that.
Some wonder how fannies got their name, when they don't necessarily come in contact with the derriere at all. I can only surmise that they were intended to be worn with the main section resting on the rump. I often wear them like that, particularly when i'm running. A weighted fanny pack will bounce up and down with much force, something you do NOT want happening on your frontside (i'm assuming that applies only to the boys). The only other name i've ever heard for fannies is "bum bags", reinforcing the gluteal association. If you talk about fanny packs in the presence of anyone from England, expect titters or looks of surprise. "Fanny" means something altogether different on the other side of the pond. Imagine if you landed at Heathrow, and saw a sign saying "PLEASE PLACE YOUR PUSSY PACK HERE".
My new one is a doozy, one of the nicer ones i've ever had. I'm thrifty, so i'll often put up with a past-its-prime pack. But finally this week, my inner linings had fallen apart to nothing. My new one is made by Trailmaker, which means nothing to me, though it seems well-made. The really fantastic thing is the number of zippers...i think i've only had this many one other time in my life. Five, count 'em, five zippers. There's the main section, wherein i keep wallet and keys. There's a front section, wherein i keep change. There's a back section, wherein i keep scrap papers and business cards. And on the belt, two more little zippers. I keep lip balm in one side (which i only use a few times a year...i currently have a Cinnabon-flavored stick, which i've had for at least three years), and a lighter in the other (i don't smoke, but fire is a brilliant thing to have handy).
And that's my new fanny.
I try not to get too connected spiritually to "stuff", but i must confess, a nice new fanny can put a spring in my step for days.
So everybody...when you go out tomorrow, pat a stranger's fanny.
They just might pat yours.