A

WOMEN 57
A was dating one of my actor friends at the Pirate Playhouse when we met. I liked her, and not just because she was one of the wounded ones. Yet it was often painful to be around the two of them. Their love was fueled by fights, cheating, breakups, and reconciliations, and lubricated with alcohol. She was twenty or so, and had had a colossally unstable childhood, with religious extremism and an insane mother who lived on the street and had children with many men. The fact that A was functional at all was a testament to her strength, but every romance she'd ever had was quite dysfunctional. From the start, i wanted to care for her and help her find peace, because it was obvious that she had amazing things to offer. I was attracted, but wasn't considering romance, at least not for a decade or so (or never, not if there were any chance of endangering her trust in me). I set about offering her gentle friendship and love. She and my friend eventually fizzled, and my affection for her may have contributed (a story went around that we'd had an affair). One night the three of us were watching BOOGIE NIGHTS, as they drank much wine. We were under a blanket, with her between us. I rubbed her feet, and her hand moved for my groin. She couldn't quite reach, and i smacked temptation's ass by not facilitating her. To this day, i'm not even sure she remembers that. Time went by, and she opened up to me once in awhile. One day we were getting ready for a Gulf swim. She left her bedroom door open as she undressed. I'm the king of "nudity is no big deal", but...as i watched her, the air slowly pulled out of my lungs (a sensation i'd never experienced before, or since). She entered another dysfunctional romance. I started a theater, and she got involved as an actress, somewhat to my surprise. In our second play together, SEXUAL PERVERSITY IN CHICAGO, we were cast as tempestuous lovers. It was one of the most stunningly wonderful productions i've ever done. One night we're rehearsing a love scene alone (i was the director), and as she's straddling me, i gradually get a monumental erection. I call for a break as i extricate myself without letting her know why (she had a good laugh a few years later). One night we're all at the bar after a show, she and her boyfriend are laughing…and i start to feel an intense hurt somewhere inside me. I put my head down, hoping no one notices. I didn't understand, i was feeling PAIN from two people being affectionate. I realized that i was in love, like nothing i'd ever known. I tried to fight it, but anything i ever had that felt like wisdom was gone, so...i finally tell her. And she halfway opens a door. But i hold back. Time goes by, and for the better part of a year all i can write about is drowning. I have one of the bizarrest experiences of my life that year, at a karaoke bar. Her boyfriend and i share an almost-open enmity by then (and i didn't like karaoke either), but i find myself dueting with him on ACDC's "Big Balls". So surreal. They finally break up. Once, i asked her who the people are in her life who don't let her get away with shit, and very quietly the only name she comes up with is mine. All along it's a very one-way relationship, me being there for her, with sometimes months going by when she doesn't return calls. It's okay, i knew what i was getting into. We get cast in a professional production on Sanibel together, and it's wonderful to see her growing faster than she has any right to, both in acting and as a human being. She starts dating a new guy, and i'm delighted. Being around them is a joy, and he and i develop a friendship independent of her. He treats her right, and more importantly, she allows him to treat her right. A year or so later, after eight years in Florida, i move on to New York...