"The Myth of Monogamy"

-by David Barash and Judith Lipton
2002
Immense. The "myth" of the title is not that monogamy is unnatural (it is), but refers rather to the enormous number of creatures (of whom we are one) who seem monogamous at a distance, but up close are anything but - the distinction between social monogamy (where bonded couples are regularly unfaithful) and genuine monogamy, which is so rare in the animal kingdom as to be a statistical anomaly. We now know that almost all of the species once thought monogamous, ain't. And surprise (or not)...females generally run around as much as males. It was once thought that man was the only animal who raped - he ain't (indeed, a common reaction in the animal kingdom for a "husband" whose mate has been raped, is to immediately rape her himself). Other animals also divorce, and for remarkably similar reasons ("You humped my buddy Bill the bee, you pollenated slut?!"). Do attractive males generally provide less parental care? Yes. Are aggressive, pushy males usually more sexually successful than nice ones? Yup (but take heart, sometimes "nice guys" get the last laugh). An impartial observer of humanity would conclude that we are mildly polygynous, given our big gonads, bimaturism, and dimorphism (male and female differently-sized). The competitive nature of polygynous males also goes a long way in explaining humanity's violence. I myself was predisposed to believing that monogamy is unnatural and unhealthy, but this book lauds the egalitarian quality of monogamy...hypothetically, everyone gets a mate. I'm not sold, but it's the only intelligent defense of monogamy i've ever heard. Of course, modern human history is not predominantly monogamous. Before contact with the West, more than 80% of human societies were polygynous. And yes women, there is plenty for you to be angry about - 75% of human societies permit male infidelity, while only 10% offer women the same. Even though we aren't built for monogamy, we often display insane levels of jealousy...this particular contradiction is one of the few things that has personally given me spiritual fits. This book tries to make sense of jealousy. Also acknowledged is how little we still know: for instance, why are there sperm of vastly different abilities in each ejaculation? Some of them may be designed to "kill" the sperm of other males. This is part of the cutting edge theory of sperm competition, and illuminates the most mind-blowing aspect of this book - the realization of how our bodies have stunning capacity to get what they want, heedless of our conscious wishes. We're just starting to learn about things like why women have orgasms, and how their bodies control which sperm gets to the holy grail. The one great flaw of the book may be that it's a bit beholden to the chains of the past. It walks right up to an obvious conclusion, then tiptoes meekly away.