Charlie's Angels, season 2

1) Angels in Paradise ****
I'll be damned. What do you do in a one-horse town when the horse leaves? You make a four-star episode, if you're series creators Ivan Goff and Ben Roberts. Farrah has left the building, and in truth i expected only a desultory punching of the clock. But Ivan and Ben, here are the accolades few ever gave you. You gave us unexpected moments of goofiness or darkness, and didn't let the loss of an icon rain on your parade. Jill's joined the European racing circuit...never mind that Sabrina was the driver in the group. Kelly and Sabrina are exasperated that Charlie wants to bring in a replacement. Bosley chuckles, until the mystery girl arrives - Jill's little sis Kris, who spent Jill's college money on the police academy! They have exactly eighty seconds of happy welcome, then the phone rings - Charlie's been kidnapped in Hawaii! Off they go, into a two-parter loaded with wonderfulness. Norman Fell (Mr. Roper) plays a naked social agitant. Don Ho drops in. Art Metrano (POLICE ACADEMY) is a great baddie. Tommy Fujiwara is bloody fantastic as the criminal with a heart of gold. The action is goooofy, as Sabrina shoots firecracker-laden arrows to simulate machine gun fire. And sexy? Your eyes just might fall out, as Kelly and Kris hijack a yacht in a little number we call "dueling wet bikinis". And the capper, one of the most iconic ANGEL moments, when they break into Charlie's cabin to finally come face to face...and he's out the window, swimming to shore.
2) Angels on Ice ****
Stop it. This one's even more deliriously four-starry than the season premiere. The Angels go undercover in the Ice Capades! Show owner Phil Silvers (yay!) brings them in to solve the disappearance of his stars. There are canyon-sized plot holes...the bad guy plan (Arab dissidents infiltrate ice show to shoot a sheik in the front row, necessitating seven kidnappings and untold man-hours...i mean, i'm no mastermind, but...you guys ever hear of a sniper rifle?), and the Angel reaction (when they have enough evidence to lock up the bad guys for kidnapping and conspiracy, they "let the show go on", which will get them that murder charge, but is that preferable to, i don't know, STOPPING the murder??). But i quibble. Phil treats the Angels with caustic disdain. The uncredited kidnapped ice queen is so beautiful my eyes hurt. Sabrina has a wacko fight with a man in a gorilla mask, then commandeers a car, runs a light, and plows a cop car. Borderline-retarded towel boy James Gammon (the coach, MAJOR LEAGUE) is somehow ridiculous and poignant. In ice clown makeup, Kris is so innocently beautiful it will tear your heart. Kelly infiltrates an Arabian club, and her belly dancing is jaw-dropping. She may have hit the gym in the off-season, as i don't remember upper body muscle tone before. Guest star Edward Andrews (Grandpa "Au-to-mo-bile" Howard, SIXTEEN CANDLES) plays a carefree wino who witnesses everything. In the final scene, the Angels take him out to get him rip-tootin' sauced! Still not sold? How about Jim Backus as the grumpy, wizened ice show prop master? Sublime.
3) Pretty Angels All in a Row ***
Contestants in a second-rate beauty pageant are terrorized. Two Angels become contestants. Hm, what was the chance Sabrina's number wouldn't come up? With these bumbling crooks (including Burton "How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart" Gilliam), it never feels like anyone's in danger, which is nice, as it lets us focus on making fun of pageants. Also featuring Bobbie Mitchell, who had to set some kind of record by playing nine different characters on M*A*S*H.
4) Angel in Flight ***
A sweet little unassuming episode. A college friend of Sabrina's is being terrorized. Off Kelly and Kris go as stewardess trainees! The highlight is a howlingly improbable emergency landing by Kelly, with zero flight training. After i stopped laughing myself silly however, and thought about the detailed way in which they filmed it, i'm pretty sure i myself could tighten that bad sucker inside the runway like a mother. Shit.
5) Circus of Terror ***
Nice. The Angels investigate accidents at a circus, hired by the owner's son whose gypsy father wouldn't approve of crime-fighting women. Kelly plays the spunky motorcycle daredevil "Go-Go". Kris gets knives thrown at her by Denny Miller (Tongo the Ape-man to most of you). Bosley is a carnie who gets hit on by Tinkle "Bosley John Bosley" Bell the midget. Sabrina falls for the son, played by James Darren (GIDGET, T.J. HOOKER, DS9). She gets some great material, both as a strong woman attracted to a man, and as a surprisingly-skilled mime.
6) Angel in Love ***
The Angels investigate a death at a nudist resort. Charlie puts Bosley on a diet. They could have played more with the nudity, but they dropped that ball (except for one scene where they compare notes in a hot tub...a meeting Bosley somehow misses). Sabrina falls in love, tragically. Kate gets touching, well-written scenes.
7) Unidentified Flying Angels ***
Dennis Cole (the future Mr. Smith) makes his second ANGEL appearance, in an episode marked by surprisingly good dialogue. Con men convince rich rubes that aliens are visiting. Jaclyn has an otherworldly scene in which she gets a rube to give up secrets by convincing him she's an alien. Set phasers on stunning.
8) Angels On the Air ****
Angels investigate the attempted murder of a radio reporter. This one sneaks up on you...i can't think of a single other four-star episode that has no sexiness, nor juicy guest star. This one's just, well, goofy. Kris pretends to be a motorcycle babe, with silly hick accent. There are quirky firecracker guest characters, including a helicopter pilot (Taylor Lacher) who oozes fun-loving machismo, and turns Sabrina upside down...if only she and her "Angel in Love" opposite had had this kind of chemistry. The cinematography is singular, especially the scene where the baddie exhaustedly hurls an empty trash can at a pursuing Kelly. In the final scene, Bosley says something glowing about Kelly running "like a man". Most of the feminism of ANGELS was understated, but for once they go all "in your face", as they trap Bosley within his condescending words, and proceed to feministly bitchslap him around the room. This may be the only time in my life i've used the term "bitchslap", but it somehow seems right.
9) Angel Baby ****
A youth (Scott Colomby, CADDYSHACK, PORKY'S 1-3) Kelly helped when she was a cop goes AWOL from the Air Force, distraught over the cessation of letters from his girlfriend. The Angels track her down, a prisoner of a white-baby-selling ring run by Edward Winter (Col. Flagg, M*A*S*H). Kelly goes undercover as a pregnant woman (no, no pillow). The writing is strangely good. Kris pretends to be in dire financial straits, and Edward offers her $20,000 to be impregnated by an Aryan. As a rule, ANGELS was sexy but never sexual. The hotel room scene where she faces her intended is atypically dark, though. For a moment as Kris begins to undress, you really believe that they're going to fuck. In the climax, she shoots a man and falls apart, saying she'd never shot anyone.
10) Angels in the Wings ***
Angels investigate bizarre accidents on a major studio movie musical set. The film reunites a Broadway couple whose marriage is on the rocks. Kris played the second lead in summer stock, and...wait for it...after being charmed by the lead and singing with him, he refuses to do the film unless KRIS IS CAST. Well, yes. So of course...wait for it...she's cast. And i mean, singing and hoofing to beat the band. Over on track 2, i absolutely DEFY anyone to make ANY SENSE of the actions of the bad guys. I swear i am not making this up, it involves a mute being manipulated to protect a woman killed twenty years earlier. But you almost don't notice all that, because the couple (Gene Barry and Shani Wallis) are genuinely touching, and the songs are even kind of beautiful.
11) Magic Fire ***
Bizarre. Silly. Goofy. Silly. Did i mention goofy? A gooferama. Firstly, the initial office meeting with the client is, um, the last time that character is mentioned. Then we're off on a whirlwind of, y'know, goofiness. In one scene, there's a huge, black, curly-haired dog sprawled across Kelly's lap. No explanation is given (i'm guessing it was "bring your dog to work" day, Jaclyn?). Sabrina does a French accent that is sooo, um, silly. There's a fight scene with Kris and another magician's assistant that's just...i gotta go with goofy. And the most fantastic scene is Bosley's performance as a comic clairvoyant (with assistant Kris in a jaw-dropping costume). Classic. You'll also get a kick out of guest star Rudy Solari (POLICE SQUAD!).
12) Sammy Davis Jr. Kidnap Caper ***
You'll never guess who they got to play Sammy Davis! ORSON BEAN!!! No, i'm kidding, i just like to say "Orson Bean". This one's so bad it's...well, okay not good, but fun. Sammy plays himself and a jive-talking impersonater of himself, who gets mistakenly kidnapped. Hilarity (ahem) ensues. Robert Pine (CHiPS) returns for his second spin on the ANGEL wheel, moving up from baddie to good guy gone wrong.
13) Angels on Horseback ****
Perilously cheesy, but a winner. A murder at a dude ranch! Eye-popping eye candy! Look, James Sikking (HILL STREET BLUES)! Woodrow Parfrey is classic as the amenable yokel sheriff. And i'm sorry, did Bosley just explain to Charlie that he put a massage parlor trip, with implied happy ending, on the office expense account?
14) Game, Set, Death ***
Bibi Besch (the mother of Captain Kirk's only child!) plays a pro on a tennis circuit that's being terrorized. When the Angels fail to run down a shooter, Kelly claims he/she ran "like a man". Really, Kel? Okay. I refer you please, to episode 8.
15) Hours of Desperation ***
One of the most deliriously over-the-top, scenery-chewing ANGEL baddie performances ever, delivered by Stanley Kamel. He ain't right in the head, and he straps plastic explosives on Sabrina. His line delivery of "PUT IT ONNNNNNNN!!!!" is still floating around the deep, dark recesses of every child who saw this in 1978. Plus, Taurean Blacque (HILL STREET BLUES) as a doctor, and Kris wearing a fringe vest that puts the "oy" in cowboy.
16) Diamond in the Rough ***
A guest actor cornucopia! It's Rene Enriquez (HILL STREET BLUES), John Winston (STAR TREK), and Sid Haig (JASON OF STAR COMMAND)! Angels steal a stolen diamond! Kelly and Kris sex it up! No, not together.
17) Angels in the Backfield ****
The most proactively feminist episode ever. So ahead of its time that thirty years later, there's still no sign of a...female pro football league! Unless you count that new "lingerie" league, which, um, ain't quite Gloria Steinem. The Angels go undercover on an underdog team whose players are being terrorized. There's a fascinating character named Pokey (Garn Stephens) who set the dyslexic awareness movement back a decade or two, with her portrayal of a dyslexic character as a sweet, near-mongoloid idiot. There's a shower fight that's beyond classic, as Kelly comes to the rescue of Kris, who's being bullied by an amazon. Kelly and the amazon tear the place up, in the most physics-defying fight in TV history - the amazon gets her ass kicked without ever falling out of her towel. Kris watches meekly, waiting to be mounted by the victor. And lordy lordy, are the men ever mincing idiots. Sabrina tosses one of the most wounded duck passes in the history of sport, and is promptly recruited by the best team in the league. Can the Angels stop the baddies in time to lead the team to victory?? Tune in to find out.
18) The Sand Castle Murders ****
Once in a while, a loosey goosey episode comes along where they break out of the standard plot devices, and show the Angels being human. Here, they're hanging out at Kris' beach house, plotting how to avoid the new assignment so they can have a party. A teenage runaway Kris befriended becomes a serial killer victim. Cis Rundle (Farrah and Cheryl's stunt double) gets a pulse-swelling scene. John Crawford plays a condescending cop who was once Charlie's partner. The identity of the baddie stays hidden longer than usual, and in a rare occurrance, Bosley shoots the murderer...a hell of a shot, too.
19) Angel Blues ***
The Angels unravel the death of a young country singer. The climactic fight features something never before seen: three Angels face three baddies. Shots are fired, punches and bodies fly...classic.
20) Mother Goose is Running for His Life **
A nice story about a sweet old toymaker (Murray Matheson). The most unresolved moment in ANGEL history, as Kelly faces an automated gun about to fire, we cut to commercial and...never resolve the moment! Ah well, Kris' hang-gliding shirt is an eye-popper, and her maneuvers as Raggedy Ann are too adorable.
21) Little Angels of the Night **
Can we stop with the HILL STREET BLUES-a-thon? This season we've had Hunter, Ray, Washington, and now Hill (Michael Warren, as friendly cop). Angels go undercover as prostitutes, to find a serial killer. The highlight is a bike chase made silly by rather granny-looking bicycles.
22) The Jade Trap ***
A delightful cat and mouse intrigue between Barry Bostwick (ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, SPIN CITY) and Dirk Benedict (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, THE A-TEAM), in his second spin on the ANGEL wheel. The Angels are caught in between. Barry's a cat burglar who sees gigolo Dirk commit a crime of passion. The tension never lets up. Kris does a Swedish accent so bad, you may want to take a club to her head. I mean, Sabrina's French is cringeworthy too, but...
23) Angels on the Run ***
Wonderful. The Angels investigate the disappearance of a country singer's lothario husband. Diamond thieves abduct Kelly, mistaking her for the singer. The baddies include Craig T. Nelson (POLTERGEIST, COACH) and Bill Duke (PREDATOR). Kel wears a green dress that could make a good dog break his leash. MATCH GAME regular and recidivist LOVE BOAT guest Elaine Joyce plays a farmer's wife in eye-popping short shorts. Bosley has an irritable, ridiculously offbeat office phone talk with Charlie which strays into Abbott & Costello territory, as he deals with a delivery girl, Mrs. Chicken (Judy Landers). He did NOT order legs, he ordered breasts! Sadly, she has no...oh wait a minute, she does.
24) Antique Angels ***
A delight. The plot? Simple. Crooks pose as a film crew with an antique car to steal experimental aerospace fuel, then enter the car in a nearby antique car show in order to smuggle the radioactive canisters out of the county. Of course they do! Who wouldn't?? The abnormally peppy and adorable Angels go undercover as car magazine writers in Keystone Cop outfits. Bosley romances a rich widow. In terms of feminism, ANGELS struck blows (albeit perhaps at the expense of the core issues - objectification and the rendering any of any non-pretty woman "invisible"). But there's a line here that beautifully underscores the misogyny of the time. One of the suspects apologizes to Sabrina, saying "I'm not in the habit of knocking women around...especially pretty ones". So...you might make an exception for an ugly one? You're quite the gallant, sir. Mind you, this wasn't one of the baddies, this was a sympathetic character. I suppose it was too much to hope that Kate might respond, "Why doncha stick your 'pretty ones' up your ass, jackoff?" Ah well, progress is progress.