dear bub

Hello bub (and jan)!
Thank you again for the Maxmas presents. Last night i finished the last of the chocolate, and this week listened to the last of the miles davis CDs. Wonderful, both...
An actual, live paper letter from bub! What a trot down memory lane.
I woke up not remembering it was my birthday, and didn't expect to take any notice of it, aside from responding to electronic well-wishing from distant friends. I ended up telling one person at the end of the day, a stranger at an open mic who was drunk and very affectionate with me, and feeling self-conscious about how "old" she was (early forties). So i whispered that it was my birthday, and how old i was. She kissed me very gently, and that was the sum total of my birthday celebration.
My life expectations? The question really doesn't apply. I've spent most of my life trying to learn how to live in the moment. Almost impossible to do when no one else is doing it...we all spend so much of our reality trapped in the past or future...caught up in creating the "story" of our lives, which we can show to people, because we know everyone is always judging us, and if our "story" isn't pleasing, we won't get the love and rewards we're taught to want. If you're forever trying to create your "story", it's based on a preconceived notion, so you end up never feeling anything you didn't start out expecting to feel. That all gets mangled up with something called desensitization. It's something that happens in a society where children are taught to stifle their natural feelings and empathy. Our culture is profoundly desensitized. The most obvious ethos is the "boys don't cry" mentality, but it runs much deeper. So i've spent the past decade trying to take down my emotional walls, to try to feel things more naturally. I think i've succeeded, but it's a hard journey. To really feel all the loneliness and aggression that surrounds us everyday is pretty horrible. It's given me mild depression and occasional insomnia...and makes it so hard to restrain my natural responses in everyday humyn interactions.
Am i happy with my life? That's not a question i'd ever ask myself, it's far too self-conscious, but...as much as one can be, under the circumstances, i'm happy with the results. I've never gotten the love i need, but no one does. I've been very creative, and unusually true to my spirit, i hope.
Would i change anything? My mind doesn't think that way...though it might be nice to have been born a century or two from now (if humynity is still around, which is doubtful). We might grow up a good deal by then. I'm perhaps unrealistically optimistic on that score.
Bucket list? Nah, the question doesn't apply. I suppose i'd like to produce one of my plays before i'm too old to act in it...and i'd like to love a pregnant womyn, or have the FULL love affair i've been capable of for a long time. It's so hard, almost impossible, finding someone on my level. We're all too trapped in our own selfishness. That's the worst part of this "life story" nonsense - other people become bit actors we accept or reject, based only on how they fit into our narrative. We never learn how to connect on a deeper level. We do our best, and some people do a little better than others...
Plus, i don't drink, i reject greed, and i don't believe in monogamy. YOU try getting some female attention under those circumstances. A damn shame too, as my last two lovers told me i was the best of their life...and that was with my spirit less than 100% present. Ah, well...
For now, i'm on a train that centers around my stories and songs, getting some amazing, humbling feedback. Let's see where that goes. I think i'm going to schedule my first-ever full concert of songs, at a radio station where i've appeared many times. I can get ninety minutes for $100, and it will go out on the internet all over the world. Maybe July.
Give hugs to all the crew for me...
much love,
wrob