dear mark

Mark,
I'm glad you spoke as much as you did the other day. You say you don't normally talk about yourself so much...i know that that wasn't necessarily a compliment, but i'm honored nonetheless.
There was one semi-silence of mine i'd like to expand on. You mentioned amanda, and i said very little. It can be hard sometimes to know where to draw the line between the negativity of dwelling in a dark place, and the healthiness of fully expressing one's humanity. I avoided mentioning how much hurt has been involved, but a little transparency might help you be a friend to her someday when she's willing to accept such.
It might be healing for me to share this, too. I've been cut off from talking about it with anyone who might understand. Shane has been going through some scientology stuff, and has shunned me for the past few years. Eric has shunned me too...i've known for a long time that my decision to love both he and amanda meant i might lose them both (and van, who loved me) when their breakup came. As usual, we make our children pay for our own stupidity and selfishness.
When i returned to Florida three years ago, i thought i was positioned better than anyone ever had been to help her in her journey toward self-love. Nowadays it feels like i'm nowhere on that list. There was one absolutely brilliant moment of growth soon after i arrived, when she admitted that she had never let anyone in, emotionally. It made the fifteen years of self-sacrifice i'd endured worth every second. But since that moment, she's run as fast and far from me as she could. Maybe, as she might tell you, it's not personal at all. Or maybe she wasn't ready to be around someone who could see her so clearly, no matter how much unconditional acceptance i offered. Or maybe even on some conscious or subconscious level, she just decided that i wasn't a person she wanted in her life. Or maybe (and this may be overreaching), a part of her genuinely loved me and knew that my life would be healthier away from her self-destructive ways. Whatever the case, it couldn't have been more horrible timing. In my spiritual journey, i'd never been more stripped of my walls, which makes me quite vulnerable. I had never been so raw and wounded. I asked her whether she was finally ready to be the friends we had been building toward all those years. She said yes, and i'm sure a part of her meant it. But i'm also sure the reason i was her oldest friend, was because i had never ever asked anything of her. In retrospect, i knew she probably wasn't ready yet, but i had never been so in need of the friendship and love she spoke of.
She and i went into limbo these past few years, keeping in touch with an occasional surface e-mail, but making no human connection. When we occasionally met in person accidentally, she would say confusing things, just because i think she felt she had to say something, anything. She told me she thought i'd had expectations, which is the single most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. It got to a point where even just approaching her home to drop off a book or some other token of affection, made my stomach hurt. It would have been easy had she told me up front how she was going to run away, and why. I would have said that i'll be there whenever she comes out the other side. But she kept us in this limbo, with words of love and eventual friendship, and earlier this year i realized how horribly unhealthy it was for both of us, and told her we should drop the pretense, and resume our friendship only when she's ready.
Anyway, thank you for listening. And for being who you are. Your friendship and support have made me a better person.

love,
wrob