Nobody Loves a Dragon

THEATER 65
-winter 2002
Jenn asked me to do another performance with the Pirate Players, again as the sole adult among all the little ones. SCROOGE had been so perfect, and i was thrilled. This one was a musical about a kingdom wherein the king can never wear the crown until the last monster is removed from the land. I played Sir Slipshod, venerable but tired dragon-slayer. Well into my dotage, i want nothing more than to retire and smell flowers. But i trudge sweetly on, for king and country. In the countryside, i lose my glasses and befriend a young two-headed dragon, not realizing the nature of the beast. We return to the kingdom, where insanity erupts. Auditions were comically under-attended, but fortune was with us, and we ended up with a brilliant cast (or at least the chemistry more than made up for any talent deficit). Jared returned, to take the role of the long-suffering King Pillowpuff. His acting was still raw but his energy was wonderful, and we continued in our chummy way. Playing the dragon was Kacie, who shifted from urchin to lead smoothly. She was bright and energetic, with a great laugh, and we got on wonderfully. Her dragon partner (and occupant of the same personal space for six weeks) was newcomer Kayla, at 13 a year or so older.  She was a great kid, and did a fine job. The two of them eventually wore on each other's nerves, bickering over stepped-on toes and bad breath (not unlike a three-headed knight in a certain arthurian film). Kayla confided in me that Kacie didn't always respect her talent. Newcomer Matt, 13, played the sinister and dim Sir Cad. We connected well. At one point in the play, he assumes my identity to fight the dragon, and he looked hysterical with glasses, fake beard, and huge tunic - belt around his knees. We each had squires, played by little Aaron and Josh. Josh had originally been cast as Prince Robin, but the part was too much for him. He was the gentler one, and i was glad he was mine. He even happily got to "arrest" his brother at the end of the play. Their mother was a sexy woman, and she and i made eyes at each other. Cad's scheming partner was the evil sorceress Lady Sorrowell, played by sarah, back for her second show. She showed that she was as wonderful a singer and dancer as she was an actor...which was fortunate, because in her songs with Matt, she sometimes needed enough talent for two. At twelve, she even did a dandy english accent. She and i shared a wonderful scene, wherein she wakes me only to drug me (Jenn inserted a waking line for me - "No, Mommy, I don't want to go to school!"). In another scene, i've lost my glasses, and turn in sarah's direction as she's bending over. I "mount" her, thinking she's my horse. She screams, "Sir Slipshod, I don't look like a horse!" I look her over, and tell her that that's a matter of opinion. Todd and Brandon, our designers/running crew, smilingly said the "mounting" was very-nearly indecent...but i was just doing as my director had blocked. Memory fails me, but i might have also been blocked to slap her "rump" prior to mounting her; i'm laughing hysterically as i write this, for that can't be true. But the mounting got the most laughter of any bit in the show. Sarah's crush on me continued, as did her fondness for physical contact. She rubbed my shoulders once or twice. She organized a cast backrub circle, and quickly sat in front of me. Her mom would admonish her that she shouldn't be touchy. Sarah would obey...until mom left. I didn't have the heart to be too discouraging, particularly as i was so huggy with the other kids. And in my own way, i had as big a crush on her as she did on me...in my spirit crush, i wanted to nurture her and protect her from all the horrible darkness and alienation of this world. But even if society were to allow me to show her the affection and openness she needed, it was already too late. She was already a product of this dehumanizing machine we call a culture. Society demanded that i ignore her humanity...a rule i dared not break. Playing Prince Robin was 14 year-old newcomer Caitlin. Her energy was light and fresh, and her performance as the dragon's best friend, was charming. Whitney was back as the court page, in whom there were echoes of her "Ebenezer, Ebenezer!", for she said several lines in pairs ("Your majesty, your majesty!", "Sir Slipshod, Sir Slipshod!"). Her beaming smile made you want to laugh with happiness. Rounding out the cast were Madison and Emily, who played court ladies, jesters, and an hysterical flower trio with Whitney. The flowers are the only onstage witnesses to my solo song "I Don't Want to Be a Knight". I do a little soft shoe, using my sword as a cane. A sweet number. At its end, i gesture for the flowers to follow me off. Madison and Emily skip away, but Whitney remains planted, pointing to her roots as if to say, "I don't know how to uproot yet". I gently pick her up and carry her out. I'm still without glasses, so i had the idea for a crash box to be dropped backstage, as though i'd walked into a tree. I shout out "Oops...are you okay, my dear?" Whitney shouts out "Yes!" So adorable. The three of them did a hilarious jester dance before the duel, done to the tune of the WWF anthem "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" (one of Jenn's updated flourishes). Our accompanist was Mary Ann Van Poelvoorde, who was a classy delight from start to finish. At the end of the show, i dodder on in my long johns, arriving just in time to prevent the dragon being slain. It's then revealed that Sir Cad is the "monster" of the curse, and all ends well. I had dyed my hair black for ASHER'S, so i shaved it all off before DRAGON opened. The kids got an incredible hoot out of my bald head. I wore a curly gray wig, and whitened my beard. Young audiences loved the comedic touches of my character. After years away from musicals, i'd had a few solo lines in CHARLOTTE’S, and now a whole song to myself. It felt great. I knew my voice was better than it had been in my youth; there was even a slight vibrato now. One thing i wasn't enamored of was Jenn's traditional pre-show cast prayer. I smiled without lowering my head, and went along with it. Audiences loved us, our cast had sweet chemistry. We even did one show on the road, at Sanibel elementary - a fun, crazy day. Jenn gave me a tiny statue of a knight, with a little crystal, as an end-of-show gift.