We met on the subway. She came onto the car, and sat next to me. We suddenly shared the longest unbroken eye contact i’d ever had with a stranger. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking, and couldn’t look away. After a few stops and few (or no?) words, she got up. She wrote down her number, gave it to me, and hurried out the closing door. We met a few days later, at a lovely vegetarian restaurant. I wasn't the old-fashioned type who felt that the man should buy everything…not at all…but when the check came and she didn't move, i was happy to pay. We wandered the wet streets for hours, eventually stopping for a 2AM snack. I had to go to an ATM, as i rightly guessed i’d be paying again. She talked a lot about a profound love relationship that had recently ended. She had some ideas that didn’t jibe with me; for instance, when i told her about Amanda, and how i had been so in love, she was very put off and felt that i needed to go back to Florida. She felt that everybody has only one person they’ll ever fall in love with. Though i protested that i couldn’t be more happy for Amanda and Eric, she just didn’t understand. Finally at 3 or 4, we hugged and went our separate ways. Despite my misgivings, my attraction to her was profound. She was a stripper, which i found sexy. I mean, i knew it was an almost inherently unsexy profession…but i wanted very much to watch her at work. I think i might have only been able to sit there slack-jawed. For the next few months, she danced around the periphery of my life. I so much wanted to be with her. She talked of just needing someone reliable and honest to help her get over her lovesickness, and i was 99.9% willing to offer myself. But she disappeared. A year later, she re-surfaced. On the phone, i actually agreed to meet her without even remembering who she was (something told me i must). My brother John figured out who she was. We spent an afternoon and evening together. She kept on complimenting me on how great i looked. She insisted she was a little thin and tired-looking (which she was), but i truthfully told her she was still beautiful. Again i paid the bills…this time she may have wanted to pay, but she was broke. Again she talked about a relationship that was breaking up, her “rebound” from the last guy. We sat in parks and had a sweet time. Our incompatibilities were mirrored by compatibilities. She believed in living simply, and lamented the lack of honesty in the world. Around midnight i got tired, and said i’d be heading home. She said she didn’t want to be alone. I told her she could come with me, or i'd go home with her if i could sleep on her couch. She looked pensive, then invited me home. When we got there, she had me wait outside for a few minutes. She had the tiniest apartment! And i’m NO STRANGER to tiny apartments, believe me. Turns out she didn’t have a couch; the bed was the only thing one could recline on. So we lay on opposite ends and talked for another hour or two. She was battling a headache, so i rubbed her. She said she was surprised she felt comfortable having me there. As i was starting to fall asleep she began nudging me, smiling. It was pretty obvious what she wanted, and i faced a…well, “moment of truth” seems overmuch, but…i already had figured out that even if we did continue to see each other (and i couldn’t take that as a given, i still sensed much instability in her), our compatibility wasn’t enough to sustain a romance, at least not at this point in her life. So do i give her the moment of affirmation and sexual healing she wanted? I did, mostly because i felt one of the more profound physical attractions of my life. I kissed, caressed, and undressed her. I’m pretty sure i then touched the first fake breasts of my life (to say i wasn't a fan of plastic surgery would be an understatement). They were likable enough, with very adorable nipples, and i began to think that over time i'd actually get used to them. We didn’t exchange any fluids, i just covered her in kisses and caresses. It wasn’t the most magical moment of my life…but i was very happy. Right around the time i got naked, she lost sexual steam. So i put my head down to sleep, but never quite did. An hour or so later, she seemed jangly and restless, like she needed a fix. She asked me to leave, and i did. There were other clues that could have meant something or nothing…the time she needed before letting me in, perhaps hiding something, as she didn’t like it when i stuck my nose in her closet. She refused to take her socks off, and suddenly i was imagining track marks…anyway, i called her the next day, and she called back to ask whether i could come loan her $10 for shoes for work. I was glad that she was unself-conscious enough to ask, but i was busy/tired/uncertain enough that i said no, not that night. The relationship ended a short time later, during a phone call. I told her i thought it was anti-feminist for a man to pay all the bills. She understood that i meant it, and told me (in so many words) that she needed a man who was going to pay for her.
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