cyber-crickets

Yes yes, thank you all for your responses to my "cyber-dating 101" article. It's humbling to be the object of such unmitigated awe.
However, i neglected to mention...
I can't write a romance ad to save my life.
I know, i know, it's comprehensible. But true, as evidenced by the fact that the majority of the ads below received no, repeat NO, bona fide responses. Those that did, got maybe one.
I know, i know, who's greedy enough to want more than one?
Here they are, a year's worth of neglected messages in bottles...
IN YOUR SKINI'm not crazy about the phrase "in your skin", as it implies that skin is something you possess, as opposed to something you are. But the phrase is entirely germane to this ad's line of thought, so...
Skin. The largest organ. Our contact point with the human race.
Intuitively or scientifically, you are aware of the profound human need for touch. Aware of how touch-deprived this society is. You run the other way. Hugs, massage, hugs, sex, hugs, cuddling...this is perhaps the only area of life in which you've never found a "too much" point.
Unless you're a performing artist, you can't imagine denying your skin's desire to breathe by painting it with makeup.
Above all...you are comfortable in your skin.
You know yourself.
You like yourself.
You don't live for the approval of others. You can't relate to the fearful state of mind required to not post a picture. You've broken free (as much as possible) of judeo-christian self-loathing. You love being naked, and don't care who knows it. Your need for emotional nakedness parallels that.You don't care about the color of your pigmentation, or mine.
THE THREE "E"s!
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT - Maybe i'll be the one who never lets you get away with shit, maybe i'll be so honest that it will take getting used to, but you'll never doubt my desire to love, understand, and be there.
EQUALITY - The real deal. It's 2011, you're ready.
ENDORPHINS - How many massages a week is enough? How many hours of lovemaking?
Easygoing would be great too, but then i'd lose my long E/three rhyme scheme. Aside from all that, i'm just a non-materialist, non-drinking, nature/music/movie-loving silly person.
SILLY WILDFLOWER?
I'm a free spirit living with one foot off the grid, for whom nothing is more sacred than friendship and honesty. I've had humbling, astounding experiences as a lover, yet most of my life i've been unheld, unwilling to settle. Most people are too damaged and uncomfortable in their skin to love another...slaves to the past, or chained by fears for the future. I want someone to hold, discover, rub, and bedevil. Pillow fights, practical jokes. I don't drink, make the scene, or like money. I love nature and music and physical activity, and movies and sci fi. My greatest passion is writing.
I put no limits on the intensity or duration of any romance, but i'm also up on the science of human sexuality, so check any Disney nonsense at the gate. It's also hard to imagine that you wear makeup. Who's ready to be loved and adored, and show the human race where it's going?
IDIOTS 'R' USI care about your integrity, authenticity, playfulness, and sobriety. Hopefully without violating the spirit of quality number two, describe whom your spirit is a combination of. Me: Henry David Thoreau, Simone de Beauvoir, Gene Roddenberry, and George Carlin. If you're tempted to mention your age, skin color, or bank account, i think they're having a singles night at Idiots 'R Us this week.
SWEET PERSONALITEA1) A love of reading, and the sharing of ideas.
2) A love of nature and physical activity.
3) A love of dancing (bonfire preferable to club).
4) A love, love, love of music.
5) A self-identity not tied to age or skin color.
6) A set of values that doesn't include materialism.
7) A set of passions that doesn't include drugs.
8) A steamer trunk that doesn't include makeup or high heels.
9) Scientifically or experientially suspicious of monogamy.
10) Some affinity for geekdom.
11) A belief system that doesn't include an invisible rabbit who grants you eternal life.
DIRECTIONS: In the subject line of your response, put the number of these qualities you embody. Nobody's expecting an 11 (if you're silly and romantic, take a bonus point).
P.S. The women of Colorado just called, saying that NY women are materialistic fashionistas who will never answer this. Are you going to take that?
P.P.S. Hurry, this might get flagged! (by the women of Colorado, trying to keep me for themselves)