Yanksockies

Dear Yankees, Red Sox, and Phillies (or as i like to say, New York All-Stars, Philadelphia Yankees, and Boston In-The-Black Sox),
I'm very sorry to hear about your recent departures from the race to become this year's world champions. My condolences to all of the fine people who represent your athletic clubs. As Aunt Lola always says, keep your peckers up. I'm sure you're each just one more plundered all-star away from returning to the pinnacle of your sport.
May i suggest, however, a new approach to the perrenial problem of how to be the very best in a system that (unlike that commie football league with its fancy-pants salary cap) makes no pretense to fairness?
I offer, for your consideration, the New Haven Yanksockies. Were you to merge your three ball clubs into one, the embarrassment of losing a divisional series to some payroll-challenged team that doesn't know it's supposed to lose, will be erased forever. It's even possible you might never lose a game again. I know, i know, that seems a bit heavy-handed, but we've done studies on the fans in Boston, Philly, and New York, and their capacity for shame is virtually non-existent - a full 93.8% said they would eagerly attend a game in which their team had no chance of losing. Fans in your fine megalopolis would flock to your new 500,000-seat stadium in New Haven, Connecticut (a compromise location between your three excellent municipalities). It would have a monstrous green outfield wall, the Phanatic roaming the field between innings, and a picture of George Steinbrenner's face on every seat.
Of course, some of the stars on your fine clubs will have to adjust to being bench players. This will work out smoother than you might fear...the fact that these players signed with you in the first place should tell you all you need to know about their values and integrity. Tell them it's for the good of the team and the greater glory of the Henry/Montgomery/Steinbrenner families, then pay them all fifty million a year. Trust me, you'll be able to afford it.
You might be tempted to include the other member of the big four, Chicago, in your plans, but that's an agony no one needs. The Mets are tempting too, with their geographic proximity and payroll four times greater than loser teams like Tampa Bay...but every great team needs a whipping boy, and numbers don't lie. There are few things Americans love more than watching a New York team take it on the ass.
I know that melding this many egos into a cohesive unit will be a challenge. It's possible that bickering and power grabs may prevent this merger from even getting past the negotiation stage. In that event, here's my backup plan, which would sadly leave out the nice folk in Philly and Boston. Please tell the general manager of the Yankees (New York, not Philadelphia), Mr. Cashman (No really...is that his name? Come on, really?), that he could trade just one of his players, a certain Mr. Rodriguez, for the entire roster of the Kansas City Royals. I know, i know, if the Royals had anyone worth having you would have bought them long ago...but just between you and i, Mr. Cashman, i'd look into this one. Word on the street is that your Mr. Rodriguez is a cheater. And i ain't talking about Madonna (rim shot!). I'm sure your fans would be outraged if they ever thought for one second that any of their twenty-seven championships were come by unfairly.
The Yanksockies. One team. A payroll of 511 million dollars, in a league where the other teams would average 84 million.
What, my friends, could be more American than that?