thmipples

There's not a straight man in the world who doesn't know about them. Today, we give them a name.
Thmipples.
The peak of evolutionary development in secondary sex characteristics of female homo sapiens.
Thmipples.
Look at the men. They're already twittery. Some of them have sensed where i'm going, as endorphins start to sprinkle their prefrontal cortexes.
Thmipples.
In the millenia before magazine and motion picture, they were probably spoken of in whispers. Most cavemen likely dismissed them as cavern myths. Yet even scoffers would feel their heart make funny motions as they stared at thmipple renderings on cave walls.
Thmipples = nipples + the body part they most resemble: the distal phalanx of a thumb, the fleshy fore-joint. Thumby nipples. Tantalizing. Jaw-slackening. Hypnotic. They don't get more press for two reasons. Firstly, their exceeding scarcity - most men go to the grave never having touched one. Secondly, a superstitious element that often attaches to pseudo-mystical phenomena: reptilian-brained males fear that talking about thmipples might make them disappear like a dream. Nipples so perfect and incomprehensibly large, that one can only liken them to erasers on a three-foot pencil (not to be confused with incomprehensibly large aureolas, which are frankly frightening to all but lumberjacks). Can nipples be too large? Only once have i ever seen such (and i'm hoping those were a photoshopping lark).
Thinkest thou i exaggerate their effect? 'Tis not so. Seeing a picture of thmipples, a male immediately feels his heartrate alter and breathing deepen. A haze descends over his brain, a feeling of light-headed inebriation.
Is this fair to the more than 99% of women in the world who do not have thmipples? It is not. Men are sorry for this, but it is beyond their control. A man who is given the opportunity to touch a real, live thmipple will do so with a gentleness, a reverence, a single-minded focus that exceeds anything he will ever know. Holding a newborn babe, is as nothing. Even a religious man kneeling before his deity knows that only through thmipples will he experience his truest, fullest humility. Given the opportunity to nuzzle and suckle one, a man will lose himself entirely. He will kiss this particular woman with more unending devotion and lavish care than any non-thmippled woman can ever hope for.
It's shitty, but what can he do? Fortunately, nature balances these things out...most men never imagine they'll actually see a real, live thmipple.
The supreme thmipples of all time belonged, of course, to Farrah.
One of the astounding qualities of a thmipple is that a woman need not even be naked to render a man her vassal. We never saw naked Farrah-thmipples until long after they'd conquered the world in a red bathing suit. But week after week on CHARLIE'S ANGELS, we knew we were in the presence of something we might never see again. When we finally did see them (good golly, is there a more aptly named film than EXTREMITIES?), the lumps in our throats and the stars in our eyes told us that this is why we were born.
Thmipples seem to exist in all corners of the world. A woman with thmipples knows the temptations to corruption that history's greatest emperor's have known. She knows she may be lax regarding her moral character (Do we care about Bai Ling's shoplifting and disturbing the peace...we do not!). She knows (a la Leilanie Giordmaina) she need not be blessed with a face that could launch a thousand ships.
Like most, i've never touched a thmipple. The closest i came was a redhead named Robyn, who had junior thmipples (a la Naomi Watts). Even junior thmipples render a man incapable of coherent thought. I was so astounded at what i was so gently touching...their breathtaking responsiveness when aroused...their texture and density...i still, however, refused to believe in god. Because i knew that thmippled beings doubtless order gods to do their bidding.
Thmipples.
Why Mona Lisa smiled.