dear R

Dear R,
Another note you'll never read, because of my "nobility" (or some such bullshit) in the face of the artifact that is monogamy.
Someone once said that people are onions. If so, the top layers are pure bullshit comprised of conceit and fear. Strip those away, and you're left with how people make each other feel. The top layers of our own onions made us fumble (me moreso than you...indeed there were times when you and i and the world would have been better served by me shutting the fuck up), but when the bullshit is gone, i'm left with the memory of how sweet it was to be with you. I cleaned out my mother's carriage house this week, and under fifty bags of trash i found the memory of the evening we spent there together. Even when we fumbled, it was a little beautiful. So here are my most resonant memories of us (in no particular order), in loving tribute...
1) The evening in my mother's carriage house, when we put aside words (but not, alas, uncertainties), and held each other in a halting dance of physical healing.
2) That first night we spent in each other's arms, caressing and loving without sex, as time stopped.
3) The time you hurt yourself at work, and i came to take you back to your home.
4) Holding you while giving you an unexpected orgasm. My heart tightens thinking about it.
5) The time i was massaging you, and misunderstood your instructions about taking your pants off. The most breathtakingly beautiful gluteus maximus i've ever touched (or seen).
6) The unbelievably yummy bread/hummus tray you treated me to at that Quotidian restaurant.
7) The night i gave you the set of non-verbal commands to use on me (cuddle/massage/sex), because words seemed to ever complicate our togetherness. We never got the commands right, but it was a sweet moment nonetheless.
8) The morning we came closer to penetration than any other time. You didn't even realize i wasn't entirely erectly prepared to give you what you so excruciatingly wanted...a sweet memory nonetheless.
9) The entire night referred to in #8...touching and kissing you was so excruciatingly (to borrow your emotional state of mind) intoxicating. You looked so jarringly beautiful and soft, as i realized it was possible to fall in love with someone, even though it might take a decade or more.
10) The night you sent me those two photos, dumbfounding me with your openness. Nobly, of course, i sent those photos to my trash file when you got engaged...but in a little dream, you find this note, and are naked with me (or failing that, send those damned photos) just one more time.
love,
wrob