walkabout

For another month or two, i'll enjoy the summer...trips to Long Beach Island, the Poconos, Florida, and New Hampshire. Expect breaks in my posting. I'll take special joy in these family moments, for i'll soon be leaving the northeast, perhaps forever, taking my weary heart to places unknown. There are pieces of my spirit i need to lay to rest...and find out who i am on the other side. I'll start with some long-overdue trips to friends in Utah, Maine, and California. Then...walk the land. Or some such. I've had the idea to go on some grand quest, like seeing 48 states in one year. I thought i might get one of those year-long Greyhound passes, but they've discontinued them. Train would be so sweet. Perhaps bike (with sponsorship by Huffy, of course).
My cricket knows about the batterings in my spirit these past few years. This journey was already planned, but moved up when my fall plans didn't come together. A script of mine was rejected by the NY Fringe Festival, so i was going to go to FL to make a movie of it, with one of my most beloved friends and acting companions. Last year, she had been eager to come to NY to put on a stage production of it. But despite an easier schedule and no travel, she can't commit. Is it a change in her life, or a change in her feeling for me? The thought of doing the film with another partner feels wrong, i think her non-presence would cast a shadow. This turn of events has made me realize that there are not one, but two long-cherished corners of my spirit i must let go of.
The first piece is the thought that i'm going to have children. Sadness descends on me when i think about this. I rule nothing out...but i've traveled two adult decades without ever once coming close to having a mate, so i need to come to peace with a childless future.
The second piece i must let pass is the sacred place my FL friend has held in me. For ten years, my soul has been ready for a day when our lives might intersect. It's been hard to be what she's needed, or even know what that is...especially when she herself has perhaps never known. She's the first person i ever fell in love with (and the third), but being her friend forever true has always been more important than anything. I also love the life she shares with a dear friend of mine, and cringe at the thought of disrupting that. If you've wondered where my dreams of one woman with two men have been sourced...
It's not that i need to stop loving, but there can be no more waiting.
So whither shall i wander? And under what motive power? There is something grand about this, and something sad too. Which is, perhaps, an adequate description of the history of human conceit. The grand part is obvious, the sad part is in the image of the solitary stranger. Perhaps it's not enough to have felt like a stray for much of my life...perhaps i need to fully feel that weight for once.
May i tell you something? I've never hitch-hiked. Not once. In two days, that changes. On Sunday, i'll be the one at the I-95 on-ramp in Yardley, PA, holding a sign that says "FL (to see Mom)". If nothing else, the experience may give me focus on my coming walkabout. When i get back, i'll travel to Maine by bike, a journey of hundreds of miles. My previous longest bike excursion was less than thirty miles.
If you're on the road, i'll be the one with the grey mountain pack.