mushrooms, drinking, and god

I have a confession to make. There are three things in this world i don't get.
I mean things i'm supposed to get, like...fans. Paper or electric, take your pick, i'm not befuddled by fans. I get the concept, i get the execution. Or flypaper, no problem. Cars? I get 'em (car enthusiasts are a little inscrutable, but we all have our quirks). Parachuting? I get it. I even grasp the essentials of war. But there are three things i fundamentally can't reconcile with objective reality. I've paid attention to people who seem at ease around these things, and listened for explanations. I have, i really have.
It's not working.
So i'm waiting for all of you to come clean on these three practical jokes you've been acting out my whole life. You may all stop. I applaud your effort, i am awestruck at your dedication...but it didn't work. I'm not fooled.
MUSHROOMS
A) mushrooms are a fungus
B) athlete's foot is a fungus
C) EAT them??? Unholy hell, did you not see memos A&B?
DRINKING
Any conversation about drinking must start and end here: alcohol is a sedative.
A what?
If we were studying an alien species, and discovered that they ingested sedatives at random moments of complete health, i might spend a lifetime trying to figure out why. My investigative thesis would involve some horrific, unseen pain that gnaws at these sad creatures.
And don't get me wrong. I understand psychedelics and stimulants. I understand escapism, and self-destruction, and that a sedated person is exponentially more likely to hump you...i understand these things, and yet when pushed, i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
GOD
The single most essential thing that religious people do not grasp is the scope of their arrogance. It's the most insidious arrogance, as it wears a cloak of humility. If i lived a million lifetimes, i would never be capable of the self-importance needed to postulate an all-powerful, invisible boogeyman who has a special relationship with me. This boogeyman looked at bananas, bonobos, butterflies, and brontosauruses...and decided that homo sapiens were, well, special? Everything else dies...trees, grass, starfish, snakes...but not us? Really? I suppose when whales dream, their god favors hairless apes also? With this practical joke, kids, i admit...you got me. Now please stop, you're scarin' the shit out of the children.

P.S. I have one more confession. There are actually four things in this world i don't get. But i knew that if i put smoking on the list with alcohol, i'd risk being forever branded something godawful, like a "yummy". Do you remember your reaction the first time you stood by a fire when you were little, and accidentally took in a lungful of smoke? You want me to believe that even one of you said, "Heyyy...that was pretty groovy...let's try that some more?" That's like being informed that the aliens take a bracing, four-second acid enema every day. Sell it somewhere else.