This past year i lived with three Asian women. One was a partying, makeup and heel-wearing fashion designer, another was a green-conscious, secular, political theater artist, and the third was a devout minister's daughter and fashion design student.
Guess which one i desired? Come on, you know how i feel about drinking, religion, and fashion design (a profession that actively retards the human race's growth).
Well done to those who chose (D) all of the above!
No, not all at once. What do you think i am, an animal?
Oh wait, i am an animal. Never mind, carry on.
Desired them all, and got none. I can't be too sad about that, as rejection is a healthy part of the pageant of life, yes? My feelings contributed to my going a step or two beyond "model housemate"...to buying more than my share of household products, doing more than my share of cleaning, and never asking or expecting them to be there for me to the extent that i was there for them.
I suppose i've declared on occasion that Asian women kill me. I've also once or twice tossed out the intuition that the greatest love of my life will be Asian. I won't stand by these affirmations, nor will i disavow them.
1) K was the one for whom i felt the most instantaneous desire. Just a zing into at least two of my energy centers. Her English was rough, but she had a decent vocabulary, and was smart and sweet. I sensed quickly that she had a lot of work to do in terms of self-acceptance and love, but that she had wonderful potential to be a loving force in the world. Of the three, she was the one who ultimately let me closest to her heart. After a few months, she wrote me a note in which she admitted that my intuitions of her were very accurate, and that she sometimes cried alone in her room. Sadness may always be a significant part of her spirit. For the first couple months we would share hugs that rank as some of the most wonderful of my life. Eventually i could feel it getting harder to let go, so i put a hold on the hugs (she did have a sort-of boyfriend, and i got no definite sense of attraction to me). I edited essays for her (she was finishing her degree and getting her first internship), and was always there when she needed me.
Through her i experienced one of the most unforgettable visions of my life. One morning i passed her door, noticing that it was open an inch or so, and that she was asleep. I stopped in my tracks, realizing she was naked. The next few seconds of my life hung for an eternity. The image is burned into my brainpan and may well be remembered on my deathbed. My heart and chest went into some sort of arrest. For a little fraction of eternity, i felt that i must walk in, take her, and love her. I slowly tore myself away and kept on walking.
On a handful of occasions she again opened her lonely soul to me. We kept in occasional touch after she moved out, and when i finally revealed the depth of my feelings, she told me she didn't feel the same way.
2) T (and please don't think that i identify these women in any essential way with their ethnicity) was perhaps the brightest of the three, and certainly the most engaged in the world. I lived in greater proximity to her than the others, as i had to walk through her bedroom to get to my own. This was maybe the greatest enticement in my choice to live there in the first place. I love human intimacy; throw a wonderful Asian woman into the mix, and i'll be first in line.
Her chief activity was running a small theater company which performed peace plays. It was clear that we were in synch on many levels, from religion to tolerance to living simply. She had been in the U.S. for years, and had an adolescent daughter in Michigan who visited a few times a year.
I was a huge help to her, mostly with writing theater reviews. She would look to me to give her articles a going-over before submission. Despite our similarities, our friendship never took off like i thought it would. It became apparent early on that she was a terrible listener, at least with me (she also wasn't a hugger). Any time i would start to talk about anything deep and personal, she would start chattering. While we always got along, eventually some of her little habits (and the smell of the fish she cooked) began to grate on me.
One of the first times i was home alone and passing through her room, i leaned over and took in a deep breath from her sheets. Living with her was largely asexual, as she was not overly relaxed about the human body. I saw her semi-naked only once, when i was helping her hang a picture, and her low-cut shirt revealed the beauty within. I felt a quick rush to my heart. Eventually she revealed that she sensed my attraction early on (which took me by surprise, as i didn't think i had left any clues), but that she avoided the subject so as not to risk any house drama.
3) K2 was quite the coincidence, having arrived from Korea just a week or two before taking K's room, and attending the same fashion school K was graduating from. My initial helpfulness with her wasn't at all self-serving, as i knew how intimidating her situation was. On the surface, with her religious and fashional devotions, i didn't see any strong connections between us, but she was sweet with a silly side, and i held out hope that maybe her minister's daughter faith was of the rebellious variety. I helped her a great deal with most everything, from the day she moved in until the day i helped her move into her next home. She wanted a small TV to hear English more often, and i found a perfectly cheap one in a thrift store, which i carried home on my bike (if you think that's at all easy, try it some time). Eventually i knew how happy i would be to kiss her for days and days and days. She had a big frame, and i found that very sexy too (though i'm realizing now that calling her K2 carries an unfortunate coincidence). She and T were both out of shape, and we had fun on those few occasions when they (or just K2) would join me in my yoga calisthenics.
I so very much wanted to hold her.
MORAL: Living with a someone who has an unrequited crush on you can be a brilliant life choice...and while they all got the lion's share of the perks, i'd do it over again in a heartbeat.
No comments:
Post a Comment