bad breath

Hm. Humans have bad breath.
No revelation there.
Oh, not all people all the time. But certainly most people, at least once in a while. It's usually mild. Canines get bad breath too, but as they don't hump face to face, it's probably less of an issue. Should we also assume that platypuses get occasional garbage scow breath?
As i happen to be human, i have bad breath tales to tell. Evolution-wise, bad breath serves no function that i can discern. At some point in childhood we came across the first human, usually a grownup, who alerted us to the reality that some people have toxic breath. I mean across-the-room bad. And deep down we're happy to think that it will never be us. For myself, someone once asked me to live with them solely on the basis of my sweet breath. No joke. And i remember this, because just a couple months later, quite the opposite reality became my life. I was doing a dinner theater audience interaction show, and i got sick. Of course we've all had sicky breath. Not pleasant, but it goes away. I had to keep on performing the show, very aware that my breath had turned toxic. I tried to minimize my interaction with audience members, but i could tell from the faces that my efforts were not entirely successful. And then a wonky thing happened. I got better, but my breath didn't. I was healthy, but alerted by people's reactions that my breath was still very very bad. I was the sole adult acting in a children's theater troupe around this time, and it's wonderful how honest children are when it comes to such things. My breath stayed rather bad for at least a year, i think. I fought it. I brushed my teeth and mouthwashed more often...i started buying breath pills, that supposedly attack bad breath at the source, in the stomach. I bought a lot of them damn pills, with uncertain results.
Bad breath changes your behavior. Prior to that year, i had been one of the most unself-conscious people you will ever know. After that, i struggled to return to that unself-conscious place. One of the two women i've ever fallen in love with, i met around that time. A little part of me has always wondered whether breath was a factor in why she and i are not together today.
But here's what i've learned. Breathing into your hand is an unreliable test. Try licking your wrist, then waiting five seconds and sniffing. The efficacy of this test is evidence to me that bad breath comes from the tongue, not the stomach (although there are exceptions to this rule, all you beautiful garlic eaters). So get yourself that wonderful invention, the tongue scraper. I thought they sounded silly when they came out, just another expenditure for consumer fools. But i'm a believer now. Also, you don't have to pay the exorbitant prices one pays for mouthwash, particularly the non-alcoholic variety, which i think is best. You can get the best mouthwash for a fraction of the cost. It's called hydrogen peroxide. Seriously, the stuff in the brown bottle. It sounds crazy, but it says so right on the label that it may be used as a mouth rinse. You can really feel it fizzing on your tongue. I do the scraping while the peroxide is in my mouth, and i'm pretty much set for the day.
This public service announcement is not brought to you by the fine folks at Colgate-Palmolive.