heather & alana

WIMYN 32

They were best friends from high school entering college together, and i was a college senior. Alana was a theater tech, waiflike and a bit punk-goth. Heather was an actress, taller with straight dark hair, and cute freckles. She was into EST. They were funny and fun and gravitated to me, so we buddied around. They were both attracted, but i didn't make any moves. Alana suggested that as a joke, she and i and another girl be together in bed as heather walked in on us. We set it up; when heather opened the door, she registered a look of horror, and fled. I chased after her, but had to go back for my clothes. Alana told me where heather might run, but that she would stay in her room in case heather returned. I found heather and picked her up, after much pleading. We sat in the car for an hour or two, and she told me of how in high school she had walked in on her boyfriend and two girls having sex. She cried, i held her…and it was quite an acting exercise! All a little joke concocted by the two of them. When i drove heather back to the dorm, they let me in on it. Cruel? I didn't mind. Anyway, they told me they both wanted me, and had agreed that whichever one i chose, they would accept without complaint. Over their protests, i picked neither. I'm not trying to lionize myself; i mean, not risking a wedge between two dear friends felt like the absolute right thing to do...but if i had been aching for one (or both) of them i might have acted differently. If they hadn’t been friends, i might have gone for heather. Over the lonely years, i have unsurprisingly had intense fantasies about what might have happened if i'd declared i wanted the three of us to be together, or nothing at all. Decades later, i feel poignant regret at opportunity lost. After all these years of breaking down the emotional walls of my youth, a truth emerges. Alana could have been one of the deepest and most profound loves of my life, if i had known how to allow myself to be vulnerable and fearless...