Just to perhaps take you out of your life a moment (and also because personal sharing brings us a step closer to sanity)...
Not having had romance in a couple years, i find my mind needs to fantasize every day. And i've never been able to fantasize about people i don't know, it has to be some real-world possibility.
Of course, some of those are people i should rationally NEVER get involved with...but then, i suspect that if we all counted on pure rationality, no one would come together, ever. While this is essentially true for most people, it feels particularly so for me. My perspectives and habits and capabilities are off the beaten path. One could actually get lost in the humor of how unmateable i am...
But i digress. I'll distract you with a description of a womyn of whom i dream, and how it would likely be an absolute calamity if anything came of it. She's a spoken-word artist i've known for two years. Very intelligent, but she hides it well. Her psychological walls and damage are prodigious - i sometimes think she would go insane if forced to maintain eye contact for sixty seconds. Yet occasionally, in performance, she's able to be brutally honest emotionally. I've always been attracted to her on a couple levels, and in some hypothetical world i could be amazing for her - the first person in her life who never lets her get away with shit.
She has a big heart, which is part of her problem. She could be a healing force of nature one day, but her damage (dysfunctional childhood) is so severe, it will be a decade or two before she's capable of real self-love.
On top of all that, she drinks a good deal.
So there are about seventeen reasons why she and i would be horrible.
Yet loneliness drives me to dream...it tears me apart so much that i don't know whether i'd be able to resist her. Occasionally, i open a little door to real conversation. Fortunately, she doesn't walk through.
Been so long since i've had romance, i'm reduced to hoping i'm soon dreaming of someone healthier for me...how sad, that one can feel almost resigned to one hopelessness or another.
Another day on planet Earth.
love,
wrob
Not having had romance in a couple years, i find my mind needs to fantasize every day. And i've never been able to fantasize about people i don't know, it has to be some real-world possibility.
Of course, some of those are people i should rationally NEVER get involved with...but then, i suspect that if we all counted on pure rationality, no one would come together, ever. While this is essentially true for most people, it feels particularly so for me. My perspectives and habits and capabilities are off the beaten path. One could actually get lost in the humor of how unmateable i am...
But i digress. I'll distract you with a description of a womyn of whom i dream, and how it would likely be an absolute calamity if anything came of it. She's a spoken-word artist i've known for two years. Very intelligent, but she hides it well. Her psychological walls and damage are prodigious - i sometimes think she would go insane if forced to maintain eye contact for sixty seconds. Yet occasionally, in performance, she's able to be brutally honest emotionally. I've always been attracted to her on a couple levels, and in some hypothetical world i could be amazing for her - the first person in her life who never lets her get away with shit.
She has a big heart, which is part of her problem. She could be a healing force of nature one day, but her damage (dysfunctional childhood) is so severe, it will be a decade or two before she's capable of real self-love.
On top of all that, she drinks a good deal.
So there are about seventeen reasons why she and i would be horrible.
Yet loneliness drives me to dream...it tears me apart so much that i don't know whether i'd be able to resist her. Occasionally, i open a little door to real conversation. Fortunately, she doesn't walk through.
Been so long since i've had romance, i'm reduced to hoping i'm soon dreaming of someone healthier for me...how sad, that one can feel almost resigned to one hopelessness or another.
Another day on planet Earth.
love,
wrob
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