Tuesday, January 16, 2018

is it you?

I'm looking for a womyn!
I've been seeking her most of my life.
Though not necessarily, i should add, one single womyn. If two bisexual wimyn want to make me part of their tribe, or a straight couple need a second husband, or anything involving triplets...dandy!
But in my fantasies, all those lonely nights of my life, it's not threesomes or orgies to which my longings have turned. It's one womyn*. The greatest lover of my life. As i am to her.
Is it you?
In terms of wisdom, empathy, and sexual skill, i've been ready for over a decade. Yet of course i must add, that in this alienated world almost no one is capable of truly loving someone else; we're all too crippled in self-love. Those few who rise above their damage, face daunting odds when hoping for an equal with whom one has both compatibility and chemistry. It's rare to find one of those things. If you find two, you might have a friend for life. But three?
So mine is a fool's errand.
Yet if i knew how to stop longing, i wouldn't.
There have been poignant "almosts". There was meggie, when i was young, earnest, sexually clueless, and walled-off emotionally. Through a stroke of chemistry and compatibility, we shared loving so wonderful she still may look back on it as the best of her life. I do.
There was ann, with whom i had the most amazing sex of my life. Slow, gentle penetrations that transcended space and time. No oral, no variation in position...and it was stunning. Our emotional/intellectual spark was nice. I never wanted it to end, but jealousy and Disney did us in.
There was vanessa, for whom i felt all-consuming desire, but we couldn't navigate past our (okay, her) baggage. We never shared penetration, but i loved her body in ways she'd never experienced or imagined.
Two wimyn over thirty have told me i was the best lover of their life (if you're under thirty, such declarations probably have no meaning). The thought of never experiencing what it is for that feeling to be mutual, makes my heart literally hurt.
So i search, for she who embodies all those threads. I keep thinking she's out there, and when i find her i'll be able to navigate past her minefields of ego and expectation, past the holes in her spirit she's trying to fill...or maybe she'll have self-actualized past all that herself, and we'll skip right to the best loving of our lives, with no limits.
Is it you?
How would you know?
Are there particulars?
Not necessarily.
If she wants to live together, great.
Separately is fine, too.
If she's polyamorous, great.
If she wants monogamy...for the right womyn, i'm in.
Age, pigmentation, and socio-economic concerns are nonsense. Some minimum measure of intelligence or education is inescapable (probably). It's hard to imagine her lacking in humor (but not impossible). Emotionally wide open (or ready to be). Irreverent, analytical, athletic, natural, allergic to secrets...are negotiable. Poet? Learner? Healer? Wild womyn?
Mostly though, just...spark! Cultivate me, complement me, confound me (preferably all at the same time, from the reverse cowgrrrl position).
Babies? Rationally, that could be the worst choice in terms of my creativity (to say nothing of, y'know, sleep). Yet for the past few years, impregnation fantasies have consumed me (we could deconstruct the reasons, mostly ever-accumulating loneliness and a touch of mortality). Also, on a deeper level, the kind of loving i'm ready for has no walls - no fear, no self-consciousness, no barrier...no "NO". Just fucking, as two innocents in the meadow. Perhaps when one does this right, in tune with our bodies, physical contraception isn't even necessary.
Yet on a primal level, the thought of never impregnating a womyn, and sharing that experience...her heightened sexuality during pregnancy, that labor-inducing penetration on her big day, holding and loving a new humyn...i want everything in life! And that's not ego talking. Would a womyn who wants no part of that, make more sense for my path? Probably.
In all of this, is there a certain extent to which i'm just playing chicken with the world, forever trapped in the ether of my demons and dreams? Sure. There's a curious thing about self-actualization in a dysfunctional world...in small doses it's wonderful, making one more centered, self-loving, and able to care for others. Yet beyond a certain point it's problematic - as one becomes more functional, one becomes less relateable to those who are "normal". I'm not saying that my actions and intentions are less reliable than most people's...i'm sure the opposite is still true. But the more clearly you see the games we play, the less likely you are to cling to a corrupted normality.
Put another way, i'm as sane as most people - more, no doubt. But the very definition of "sane" is nonsensical, if the average person is more insane than we (or they) realize. Also, if you open your emotional walls too far, you can succumb to the inhumanity and insanity most people simply deny or rationalize away.
Any womyn still reading?
Congratulations, you're about to enter a loving relationship so deep and healing, people will either hate you or think you capable of saving the planet.
They might be right.
And please...let's not forget that other-worldly sex.

*I'm not saying i've always fantasized about some womyn i've never met...such a disconnect from immediacy isn't my style. My self-love fantasies, rather, are always just one womyn - those breathing possibilities who happen to be in my life at the time.

No comments: