dear amanda 6

Dear amanda,
Perhaps i should make this note only outward-directed support and love for who you are (the only tragic aspect of reaching such an elevated place of self-love as where you're headed, is the almost impossible task of finding others who can meet you on that level once you get there). But the initial impetus for this note was a little whimper from my own battered humanity, and perhaps i should honor that, as one of the reasons i walked away when i did was not wanting to set a horrible example in denying my own humanity, as i had done for your sake for so long. Not that i regret any of that...to earn your trust, even a tiny bit, and know that nothing could possibly endanger that trust, denying my humanity was a small price to pay.
But part of the spiritual journey is embracing our humanity, so i ultimately despaired that my one bad example might start overshadowing all the good ones.
So here are the battered thoughts that popped into my head. Did i ever have a chance to throw eric under the bus? Sure. Did i ever have a chance to throw justin under the bus? Absolutely. And in both cases, i had profound selfish reasons for doing so. But i wouldn't do it...not just for nobility, but because it would have been self-defeating. If they were made miserable, you would be miserable, and so on to me...
But it's sad knowing that neither them nor you may ever thank me for not tossing them under said public transport. For fifteen years, i dedicated myself to selflessly loving you and anyone you brought into my life. And for my efforts, i got...tossed under you-know-what.
But it's okay. I always knew what i was getting into. I never expected that there would be personal rewards from loving you. Oh sure, i hoped. But never expected.
And ultimately, every second of self-sacrifice was worth it, when i remember those one or two fleeting moments when you showed me YOU, without (or very nearly without) any walls.
Amazing.
Beautiful.
I won't send this note, as i've no reason to think it would be welcome. You've perhaps already turned me into something far less than what i was. That's understandable. We never see people as they are, but as WE are, and we spend our entire lives shaping our own personal mythologies, molding people and memories into the raw material of our personal narrative, continually creating and re-creating to serve our agenda.
But something very beautiful and elusive happened between us.
I'll always know that, and always be here.

love and love,
wrob

P.S. Is there something faintly pathetic about still harboring beautiful feelings for someone who treated you like you were dipped in shit for three years before you cried uncle? Maybe. It's fucked up, which is pretty much all humanity is capable of these days.