cast adrift

I listened to two female comedians last week, and it kind of blew my mind because they both talked about feeling an urge to erase one of their exes. And i’m like “whoa whoa…you want to ERASE a human being?” That’s pretty hardcore. And it doesn’t make sense to me, there’s a disconnect there, because both of these women were intelligent, and more importantly, they both obviously had at least some amount of functioning self-worth. I mean, to stand up in front of strangers and say “I am so fucking interesting that all i’m going to do is talk…and you’re all going to be delighted.” Say what you will about comedians, but nobody can do that without some sort of functioning self-worth. But it’s so mind-blowing for me to hear intelligent women talk about ERASING another human being into whom they’ve invested time and love, because i’m so fucking lonely. We’re all so disconnected and alone, and i ask myself why. And we look at bonobos…bear with me…if you don’t know about bonobos, they will BLOW your mind…they are more like humans than any other creature in the world, by far. As just one example, bonobos are the only other animal who mate face to face, the only other animal whose vulva is oriented toward the front of their body. So when they make love they are right there, kissing the way we kiss, looking into each other’s eyes and saying “Wow, i am so digging you”. Bonobos are amazingly peaceful, so i look at them and say “What do they know that we lost”? Bonobo culture is very female-centered…i don’t want to say “dominated”, that’s a male concept…but bonobo males are just kind of goofy, they do their thing, but it’s the females who are much more active in maintaining the relationships that make up their society. And sex is absolutely integral to how they do that. Bonobos have sex for a million reasons, and like us, often for no particular reason at all. And i think about the web of relationships that’s missing from my life…i think about all the friends i don’t have. And more to the point, the friends that i’ve lost. The lovers that i’ve lost. And i imagine what my life would be like if all my exes were still my friends. It would be so fucking amazing. I think of two in particular into whom i invested a huge chunk of my life loving and nurturing, and they’re not fucking there, they’re just gone. And i think about these women comedians, and i say “How did they get to this place?” I mean, i understand denigrating your ex…it’s a little obvious, but it’s comedy gold, i get that. But how did these women with some sort of functioning self-worth, which tells me that they wouldn’t love someone who didn’t care about them at least a little, how did these women, when confronted with the reality that either sexual attraction has diminished (which is biologically what’s SUPPOSED to happen), or someone else no longer wants EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT out of a relationship, that when that point arrives, they can just hit the ERASE button? You’ve spent weeks, months, or more caring for this human being, and now…nothing? When you erase someone, you're not just erasing them, you're erasing everyone they know. When YOU get erased, you're losing everyone they know. "But...but...but aunt ginny loves me." "Tough titty - you and aunt ginny, just suck it up." Now multiply that by the number of romances an average person has during their life, and try to wrap your mind around all those lost friendships, lost connections...and it almost made sense in the old days, when the only thing a woman had to secure her entire life, her entire future, was what's between her legs. But it's the 21st century - a whole lot of women have their own identities, their own lives, their own money...yet we're still stuck in the old ways of thinking. And sometimes i'm harder on women than men. I expect more from them, because generally women more closely resemble human beings . Most men are too lost in selfishness and brutality. But most women i meet, i think “With enough love and caring, you could become an actual human being.” Or maybe that's just a fantasy i hold on to, because without some kind of hope, i'll die. And i know that when women act shitty, more often than not it’s because some man is being shitty to them. The two greatest loves of my life, i was able to stay friends with them after we broke up, and it was great. But they both eventually disappeared, with the same line – “My fiance is not comfortable with our friendship.” Whsshhht. But these women last week, it wasn’t about that, so…what then? Is their self-worth that fragile? Are they that lost in the cinderella ALL OR NOTHING bullshit that poisons all of our attempts to love each other? And by the way, i thought they both showed touches of brilliance. The one who talked about getting her tubes tied - brillant. And the other one, being so open about having depression, yet still being funny - brilliant. So tell them to keep doing what they're doing...but maybe without the erasing.