The women i dream of, when dreams are all there is...
KORTNEA
She works at my new favorite local restaurant (since my previous local favorite closed). With my housemate, we three always chat. I've given her two love poems. She said the first was the sweetest thing anyone's ever given her. My housemate is 90 and unabashed about lobbying on my behalf, whereas i'm quite shy. There is a lovely energy when we touch. She's christian, and i have no reason to think we have deep compatibility...yet i have lurid dreams of living with her, loving her relentlessly, and impregnating her willy nilly. I dream of serving her, cooking a meal and rubbing her feet while she eats, then asking whether she wishes me to kiss her feet. The fantasy culminates in the most mind-blowing oral pleasures she's ever imagined (and given her beliefs, her entire sex life may be hypothetical), then penetrating her and whispering that i won't cum, not now or the 1000th time, unless she whispers for me to do so. If she needed monogamy or marriage to be completely at ease, i imagine happily offering those! Perhaps part of my desire for someone wrong for me, in a situation that might be a crime against my creativity and sanity, is because i recently opened myself wide to loving the most compatible woman i've ever known...and got singularly crucified. That's on top of my growing collection of years of emotional and sexual isolation. Is there a touch of literal insanity in this? It sure feels like it. All the more frightening, in that i'm actively courting kortnea, and almost feel i'd let the fantasy play out if it kept unfolding. Loneliness drives me ever closer to being the game-playing, sexual/romantic predator this society makes of everyone.
LAKOTA
Still in the center of my dreams (see MM#4). I can't shake the image of our most intense moment, genitals engorged and sliding together...then imagining myself whispering beautiful words about whether she thinks her son should be an only child, and did she know when holding his father that he was the man to fill her womb, and then penetrating her (instead of holding back, as i did). I'm pretty sure she desired me completely that night. It's all eerily like a scene in AS GOOD AS IT GETS, when Helen Hunt has a disastrous date with a man who turns tail after repeated interruptions from her sick child. He says it's too much reality, and comes off as a shallow wanker...but is that fair, even a tiny bit? Isn't he being abnormally considerate? Lakota was a single mother with a five year-old developmentally disabled child. That's a lot of reality to heap upon attraction. Perhaps i was a little unfair to her (and this society was certainly immeasurably unfair, as it is to every single mother), but was i supposed to take her life situation out of the picture? Was i supposed to imagine that she was able to do so herself? Here i am years later, unwilling to forget one of the more beautiful moments of my life, yet almost tormented by the sensible reaction i showed. Do i love children? Far more than most. Could i have loved Lakota immensely and enduringly? Absolutely. Would being a "daddy", with all the indescribable burdens and self-abnegation that implies, have been at all right for me then...or now?
MARA
We lived in the same boarding house last year, for a couple months. She returned to her native China, and we've kept in touch. She's intelligent, and i was achingly attracted. We came tantalizingly close to romantic involvement. I dream of offering her marriage, so she might return to this country for as long as she likes. I dream of offering her the multiple babies she could never have in her own country. There's nothing rational about these thoughts...not even on the compatibility level, which we never got to explore deeply. There is an almost unrelentingly lonely desperation to living in this society, and it breaks stronger people than i.
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