dear almeria 3

Dear Almeria,
I never imagined i'd be writing with you again. I mean, i didn't think i WOULDN'T, but...you seemed to want me to go away in no uncertain terms last year, and respecting your wishes is pretty sacred to me (even if i suspect you're not thinking clearly at the time...and who of us ever is?).
I'm not going to send you this letter, at least not now. Perhaps it was too many words that sunk us last year...how i needed to tell you EVERYTHING that was in my mind. I knew that some of those things might not endear me to you, but i wanted you to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i would not, could not, hide anything from you. I was willing to risk losing you, just so you would understand that.
But i'm not going to send you this letter now, because the one thing i wanted more than anything last year...to be with you again, to perhaps give you a hug one more time...now suddenly seems close at hand. Your company didn't make it to the Chocolate Show this year. Was the show so very much emptier without you? Oh yes. We had never seen each other anywhere else, but those yearly meetings (and hugs) were some of the most beautiful experiences of my life. After last year's show, we engaged in an unprecedented run of letters and phone calls (until you ran away).
So i wrote you a little e-mail this week, just to tell you that you were missed, and to offer a little chocolate mail package. I half-expected you to be annoyed that i wrote, or ignore me entirely. Instead, you gently wrote that you'd like to see me.
So i'm simply saying yes. Of course! I've had enough experience with talking my way out of intimacies, by being WAY more honest and WAY less predatory than most people.
And the funny thing, of course, is that i wasn't even necessarily approaching you with a lover's intent last year. I told you that the simple act of hugging you, of holding you, lit up the spirit centers of my being like perhaps nothing ever had before. I told you that all i wanted was to be a part of your life, to hug you and comfort you in whatever way you needed. When you pressed the question of romantic intent, i told you that my feeling for you was so strong, i couldn't imagine wanting to hold ANYTHING back. But wrapped up in that, of course, was the awareness that you were a devout believer with an old-fashioned view of romance, and i'm an agnostic with a devoutly progressive view of romance.
So here's the one new and perhaps incisive question i can offer. Is part of the reason you ran away last year, because you doubted your ability to resist being romantically drawn to me?
By the way (and not to diminish our spiritual connection in ANY way), with what i've learned about biology in this intervening year, i wouldn't be surprised if i were able to impregnate you by the simple act of non-ejaculatory penetration. The chemistry between us might be that powerful.
To update my own state of mind, i'm a bit more wounded and raw than one year ago (or less able to cover up such feelings, which amounts to the same thing). Last year, i knew i had something wonderful and pure to offer. If you weren't inclined to romance, i would have been thrilled to simply become a true friend and loving constant in your life (who just maybe might be counted on to always give you the most amazing hugs you'll ever know). This year...i'm so much more in tune with my loneliness and touch-deprivation, that i'm not sure i'd be able to resist being more predatory with you...doing or saying whatever it might take, just to hold you, and hold you, and hold you...
But thanks to last year, you're no stranger to the inner workings of my spirit. If you come to me with simple words inviting togetherness, i'll return simple words of affirmation. Though my heart will probably count the beats until that happens, i'll manifest calm and contentment.
your silly and devoted fool,
wrob