dear dad

(Backstory - for a number of years, i've been in the group of people my father sends humorous e-mail forwards to. Given that he's a conservative, fundamentalist, pro-military white man who grew up in the mid-20th century, his humor is occasionally cringe-worthy to people with a more progressive, inclusive worldview. During the 2008 Democratic primary, triggered by a "bimbo or Sambo" e-mail, i started responding to any forwards that were similarly embarrassing. I hit the "reply all" button, so everyone could understand why a certain joke might be objectionable. Today, my father removed me from his humor group, triggered by my response to a list of quotes a "brave man" might say about women. The highlight:
#6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
I have trouble saying those words aloud, without feeling a little sick. I replied to the group that any man who finds humor in battering a woman is not brave, but a coward.)

Dear Dad,
It is with a mixture of relief and sadness that i find myself removed from your humor group. I'll miss the occasional laugh, but i've always teetered on the edge of asking out, as some of your forwards invoke bigotry and misogyny. Part of the reason i've stayed is that i know at your most basic level, you want to be a good person. That's not an easy road, for any of us. So i want to be a voice of conscience for you. I love you, and have a few questions.
Are there any black friends in the humor group?
Any gay friends?
I don't need to ask whether there are any women. I know there are, because they're the ones who always write to me, thanking me for speaking up when you've shared something ignorant or hurtful.
You've made the point that there is violence inherent in humor. That funniness always involves someone being "kicked", and not always fairly. There is truth in that.
But in this instance, you're missing some bigger issues.
How long did it take for JFK jokes to be funny? For some, it's still too soon. The effect of your joke list was, as a JFK parallel, to make a book depository joke at the very instant Jackie is wiping PIECES OF BRAIN off her face. How many women are being raped this very second? Killed? How many are being battered by a man?
Most men of your generation would agree that raping, battering, or killing a woman is wrong. But what most men of your generation fail to grasp is that these are not the actions of "bad apples". This treatment of women has been systematic for thousands of years. For millenia, society has given men permission to batter, rape, or kill. Sometimes this permission has been overt, on the law books, other times it has been between the lines. But female abuse and terrorization has been as resolute and merciless as a closed fist.
Are these things changing?
Yes.
But those times are nowhere near behind us.
There is no magic machine that can transport any of our 3.5 billion men, inside the mind/body of any of the millions of women being brutalized this very moment. No magic machine can make a man feel what it's like to be a woman in a world where any of those things might happen, at any time. But social change doesn't need magic, just courage. You admire courage greatly, i know. I propose one small act of bravery for you. Read "The War Against Women", by Marilyn French. Read it all. You might find you're not the same person when you come out the other side.
You talk about honesty a lot, since you became born-again. But i sometimes think we have a different idea of honesty. My own idea, is willing that everything i might say or do, be instantly visible to anyone in the world. Is your honesty more confined to just avoiding spoken lies? I ask because i wonder whether you would want that list shared with everyone you know.
My father, you carry the blessing/curse of being a white man of your generation. Avenues of power and comfort were laid open to you...but to accept those rewards, you had to pay a price in insensitivity.
your would-be cricket,
wrob