NYC Safe Bikers Ass.

I'd like to address the negative talk that's been directed at NYC bikers, to the effect that we don't always follow the rules of the road.
You betcher ass, baby.
On behalf of NYC bikers, we don't even know the rules of the road, at least not such as may pertain to bike folk. We don't know, and don't wanna know.
Because we've got places to go. NYC bikers (and, in varying degree, bikers everywhere) only want to know one thing: will i get where i'm going without stopping or slowing down? Most bikers never reach that state of grace, but we don't give a shit, because we know how superior we are, no matter what happens.
I'm not sure precisely where this attitude comes from, but i'm sure a part of it is the fact that many of us are or were drivers, and all that road-rule following under threat of troopers with radar and ticket made us feel a touch of resentment, perhaps...we don't need some officious public servant making us feel nervous or disempowered. We're on bikes now, johnny law. Wanna give us a little ticket? Maybe take away our license? Please, i beg ya, i double beg ya. No wait, we don't have licenses. So we'll fucking well assume that we're under our own goddam jurisdiction, thank you. Traffic lights? Hahahahahaaaa...phoo, that's good stuff. Honeys, we don't see 'em, they ain't in our field of vision, excepting sometimes as a perepheral reference to assess the likely movements of traffic. Will we go straight through a light that changed to red five seconds past, without slowing? Don't ask, if you don't want to know. Stop signs? You poor deluded dears...any nervous parents may be excused, because we don't actually even follow the flow of traffic. We do so when it suits us, but faced with a stop, all bets are off. Bike lanes? We'll use 'em when handy, thanks, but if we can save time by using the other side of the road where there's no shoulder, that's where we'll be. Proper equipment? Don't hold us to it. My light batteries died a few days ago. I'll get new ones. Soon.
And don't you dare cut us off, you clowns of combustion. Don't you dare leave inadequate space for us to zip by all your stopping and starting. We know exactly how wide we are (well, okay, we haven't measured it...), and if you leave us one inch less than the clearance we need to squeeze through, we'll look you in the eye and remember your moronic, ugly face. You wanna start something with us? Fine, we're in better shape than you.
Honor the biker. Envy the biker. Bikers are the speeder finches of traffic. And yes, i know, there's probably no such thing as a speeder finch, but there damn well should be. Seen from afar, all moving bodies in a city take on the characteristics of birds in flight, or fish in...swim? There is great grace in our movements. I suppose that's another part of the reason we have disdain for road rules: we know how beautiful and efficient we are compared to those around us, so yeah, we do kind of narcissistically own the road. We actually do have one rule, and we follow it: "Don't die". Dodging and weaving, swooping and swerving, all quiet speed and grace compared to the lumbering inertia of autos with their disgusting and disgraceful carbon footprints, or the slothlike movements of pedestrians. Don't give us dirty looks, little pedestrians. We didn't hit you, we won't hit you, we'll just come as close as we need. Go about your business. Drivers, stick your precious little honk right up your ass, willya? We know you had the right of way, but you didn't hit us, did you? We had it timed, you midasized moron...had you maintained your state of acceleration, you still would have come no closer to us than a few inches. We do CHiPs moves that would make ponch and jon smile. If our handlebars are 18 inches wide, you damn well better believe we will attempt any 19-inch squeeze we're given. And we'll make it too (okay, 95% of the time).
Is being a biker dangerous? We sure don't think so. Oh, a couple of us get taken out each year. Pheh. The weak being sifted from the herd. Do we get bumped and nudged? Hell yeah. No stories funny enough to tell, but i've been tapped. Been kissed. WE LIKE IT THAT WAY.
Do we feel any guilt over our self-absorbed behavior? No no no, have you not been paying attention? There is, i grant, one single solitary instance we feel the slightest twinge of guilt: when we're going against the traffic alongside parked cars, and a pedestrian steps out in front of us. We understand that as a pedestrian, it's logical that you should only look in the direction the cars will be coming from. Why should you look downstream, when metal death is coming from upstream? In that situation, we do scare the living bejeezus out of you as we weave and zip past. We do feel a little bit bad about that. But we will never, ever, ever hit you, we're too fucking speeder finch-like. Okay, one time out of a hundred, but we've never killed one of you yet, have we, ya little pedestrian shits? We're lookin' out for ya! Sort of.
I'm glad i had the opportunity to clear all this confusion up. Let's be careful out there.