Why I'm Not the Father of Your Daughters

1)

Because spiritually, i'm drowning. When i turned 40, some kind of biological clock ticked on. Since then, a huge percentage of my sexual fantasies have been impregnation-based. As time passes, those fantasies have increased, not lessened! It's some desperate primal imperative that persists, despite zero rational sense. I have the patience/gentleness/humor to be the coolest parent ever...unless the weight of it destroyed me! My life is constructed to enable me to create art that might save a world. I'm married to that art, and it might be disastrous to put something else above that.

2)

I'm also drowning because of creeping desperation over not having found the great romance of my life. Where the physical & emotional are complete and balanced. The wisdom and technique i've been collecting all my life, have pointed toward one great relationship in which i'll feel 100% PRESENT for the first time. Years turn into decades, and nothing. I know this dream is unrealistic, given how damaged we all are in this culture of alienation and possessiveness...

3)

I've also spiritually constructed my life to be essentially penniless. A noble choice, but one that makes me ill-suited to parenthood. My life is a rejection of capitalism's hoarding mandate. In a world of widespread, horrific poverty, i've never been comfortable with the thought of having more than i need. The financial demands of raising children might force me to completely restructure my life. Which again, might destroy a beautiful thing.

4)

I'm also intentionally poor, because i've spent a lifetime trying to refuse white male privilege (even though i know that in the most essential ways, i never CAN). As a youth, i vowed to never take a "good job" that might go to some womyn or person of color. Maybe i could have better served the world by embracing my privilege to become as rich as possible, then use that influence in a revolutionary way, but...can you tear down the master's house using the master's tools? So yes, very noble but...a womyn seeking a mate will only hear the words "intentionally poor".

5)

In some ways, i feel like you can't trust me at all! My desire is so overwhelming, i feel like there's NOTHING i wouldn't do or say to have you. The only thing that redeems that, is that "having you" means protecting you more wildly than anything you've ever known.

6)

Should you even be flattered by my desire? If i'm not tapping into some universal-goddess mandate, all i'm left with are psychological/biological motivations. And the simple fact is that you press almost ALL of my deepest attraction buttons (natural/open/fertile/non-white...). You just couldn't be better-constructed to spark a pavlovian thunder-strike in my heart.

7)

It's also possible that on some level, i'm just using our relationship as inspiration to write songs! Since i've forced myself into a radically open emotional state (which brings more pain than pleasure), i should at least USE that for artistic inspiration, right?

8)

It's also possible that on another level, i've allowed myself to experience and express these feelings, only because i know there's almost no chance you'll respond! It's a "safe" way to express feelings i've never had before. Is my seeming-bravery only a form of cowardly emotional adventurism?

9)

I'm a vegan agnostic!

"Caste"

(The Origins of Our Discontents)

2020

-by isabel wilkerson

Through detailed comparisons of nazi Germany, classic India, and America's jim crow south, "Caste" deconstructs the function of caste in a society, and breaks down its elements. It contrasts caste with class, a fluid hierarchical tier in which anyone's status and wealth can (hypothetically, at least) rise or descend. Caste can exist simultaneously with class, but unlike class, caste is never fluid. If one is born into a caste, that is where they will live and die.

One anecdote refuses to leave my brain. In 1934, the nazis had ascended. They wished to enact laws that would codify the jews' status as second-class citizens. They sent a law student to America, to study the legal codes of the south. At the Reichstag meeting where the student gave his report, even the hardline nazis were stunned by the severity of the anti-black laws.

The nazis found America appalling.

Do you?

The depth of research in this book is simply stunning. Isabel's achievement stands alongside any work of nonfiction ever written, in essential understanding of America.