Why I'm Not the Father of Your Daughters

1)

Because spiritually, i'm drowning. When i turned 40, some kind of biological clock ticked on. Since then, a huge percentage of my sexual fantasies have been impregnation-based. As time passes, those fantasies have increased, not lessened! It's some desperate primal imperative that persists, despite zero rational sense. I have the patience/gentleness/humor to be the coolest parent ever...unless the weight of it destroyed me! My life is constructed to enable me to create art that might save a world. I'm married to that art, and it might be disastrous to put something else above that.

2)

I'm also drowning because of creeping desperation over not having found the great romance of my life. Where the physical & emotional are complete and balanced. The wisdom and technique i've been collecting all my life, have pointed toward one great relationship in which i'll feel 100% PRESENT for the first time. Years turn into decades, and nothing. I know this dream is unrealistic, given how damaged we all are in this culture of alienation and possessiveness...

3)

I've also spiritually constructed my life to be essentially penniless. A noble choice, but one that makes me ill-suited to parenthood. My life is a rejection of capitalism's hoarding mandate. In a world of widespread, horrific poverty, i've never been comfortable with the thought of having more than i need. The financial demands of raising children might force me to completely restructure my life. Which again, might destroy a beautiful thing.

4)

I'm also intentionally poor, because i've spent a lifetime trying to refuse white male privilege (even though i know that in the most essential ways, i never CAN). As a youth, i vowed to never take a "good job" that might go to some womyn or person of color. Maybe i could have better served the world by embracing my privilege to become as rich as possible, then use that influence in a revolutionary way, but...can you tear down the master's house using the master's tools? So yes, very noble but...a womyn seeking a mate will only hear the words "intentionally poor".

5)

In some ways, i feel like you can't trust me at all! My desire is so overwhelming, i feel like there's NOTHING i wouldn't do or say to have you. The only thing that redeems that, is that "having you" means protecting you more wildly than anything you've ever known.

6)

Should you even be flattered by my desire? If i'm not tapping into some universal-goddess mandate, all i'm left with are psychological/biological motivations. And the simple fact is that you press almost ALL of my deepest attraction buttons (natural/open/fertile/non-white...). You just couldn't be better-constructed to spark a pavlovian thunder-strike in my heart.

7)

It's also possible that on some level, i'm just using our relationship as inspiration to write songs! Since i've forced myself into a radically open emotional state (which brings more pain than pleasure), i should at least USE that for artistic inspiration, right?

8)

It's also possible that on another level, i've allowed myself to experience and express these feelings, only because i know there's almost no chance you'll respond! It's a "safe" way to express feelings i've never had before. Is my seeming-bravery only a form of cowardly emotional adventurism?

9)

I'm a vegan agnostic!

"Caste"

(The Origins of Our Discontents)

2020

-by isabel wilkerson

Through detailed comparisons of nazi Germany, classic India, and America's jim crow south, "Caste" deconstructs the function of caste in a society, and breaks down its elements. It contrasts caste with class, a fluid hierarchical tier in which anyone's status and wealth can (hypothetically, at least) rise or descend. Caste can exist simultaneously with class, but unlike class, caste is never fluid. If one is born into a caste, that is where they will live and die.

One anecdote refuses to leave my brain. In 1934, the nazis had ascended. They wished to enact laws that would codify the jews' status as second-class citizens. They sent a law student to America, to study the legal codes of the south. At the Reichstag meeting where the student gave his report, even the hardline nazis were stunned by the severity of the anti-black laws.

The nazis found America appalling.

Do you?

The depth of research in this book is simply stunning. Isabel's achievement stands alongside any work of nonfiction ever written, in essential understanding of America.

not-ends 49

There are two kinds of people. Those who know they're idiots, and those who don't.

Do you know who makes smart romantic choices? Nun.

The good ones are always taken, or gay. The great ones are both.

Chewbacca is a bigfoot. Why do we dance around that? It's han solo and bigfoot. Am i wrong?

I wouldn't mind makeup if the numbers were reversed...if the proportion of wimyn who DO and DON'T wear makeup were flipped. Otherwise, when something like makeup becomes a cultural imperative, that's when you know a society is broken.

Humility is not "i'm not worthy". Humility is "i might be wrong".

Bathrooms have evolved to have two sinks side by side, for couples. Will we soon have two toilets side by side? Oh, i hope so.

What do you call drivers who can't drive without lightly hitting other cars? Dentists.

The only way to face the sadness of this world, is wrapped in a blanket of silliness.

Are there any athletes who point to god when they make a BAD play? Wouldn't that be awesome?

MAMA. Make America Matriarchal Again.

Dumb Things

Any man and any womyn, in anytown anywhere

stand on any corner, and she gives him a glare

"What the hell is WRONG with you?"

"Oh baby, you don't want to know

Don't leave me alone no no

I do dumb things"

Just dumb things

I do dumb things at the bar, dumb things in the car

I do dumb things at home, i'm not good alone

I do dumb things with my friends, the nonsense never ends

Dumb things at the computer, i should be neutered

Dumb things at work, i can be a jerk

I do dumb things shopping, i need stopping

I do dumb things at the beach, put me on a leash

I did a dumb thing with your sister, we played strip Twister

Any man and any womyn, in anytown anywhere

stand on any corner, and she gives him a glare

"What the hell is WRONG with you?"

"Oh baby, you don't want to know

Don't leave me alone no no

I do dumb things"

Just dumb things

Come Out and Play

I see you hiding in there

Under that mask you wear

It's time to stroll in the sun

It's time to have a little fun

Wipe it away, wipe it away, come out and play

Don't hide your pimples, don't hide your scars

You gotta be just who you are

And all the fools who gave you hell

Someone was mean to them as well

Wipe it away, wipe it away, come out and play

Let's dip our toes in the sparkly stream

Let's share our fears and dare to dream

It might be cold, but let's jump in

Just naked babies, laughing again

Who taught you how to say NO

Who told you where you can't go

The magic word is yes yes YES

Yes is the key to happiness

Wipe it away, wipe it away, come out and play

Today

Today i found where the wild things are, and took the cookie

I shot j.r. and let the dogs out

I found waldo and carmen sandiego

in a love shack winnebago

When my baby got home tonight

she said "You didn't do shit today"

I said no, baby

Maybe tomorrow

Today i found where all the flowers went

and where the missing sock goes

I found the yellow brick road

Where the streets have no name no

When my baby got home tonight

she said "You didn't do shit today"

I said no, baby

Maybe tomorrow

Today i found the end of the rainbow

and what the world needs now

I broke the glass ceiling

and joined the sisterhood of man

Today i talked someone down from the ledge

and found the beef, though i kinda which i hadn't

I got trapped in a broken elevator

with mother theresa and hitler

When my baby got home tonight

she said "You didn't do shit today"

I said no, baby

Maybe tomorrow

The One You Want

The one you want more than anyone is gonna run away

The one you want more than anyone is never gonna stay

You can make someone happier than they've ever been

But you can't make you happy, that's a game you'll never win

The one you want more than anyone is gonna say goodbye

The one you want more than anyone is gonna make you cry

You can give someone the best thing they'll ever know

But you can't buy your own best thing, that's just a no-go

You can walk the spirit path, erase all your greed

But the spirit path won't heal you like you need

The one you want more than anyone is gonna disappear

You'll turn around, and they won't be here

You can make someone happier than they've ever been

But you can't make you happy, that's a game you'll never win