Today

Today i found where the wild things are, and took the cookie

I shot j.r. and let the dogs out

I found waldo and carmen sandiego

in a love shack winnebago

When my baby got home tonight

she said "You didn't do shit today"

I said no, baby

Maybe tomorrow

Today i found where all the flowers went

and where the missing sock goes

I found the yellow brick road

Where the streets have no name no

When my baby got home tonight

she said "You didn't do shit today"

I said no, baby

Maybe tomorrow

Today i found the end of the rainbow

and what the world needs now

I broke the glass ceiling

and joined the sisterhood of man

Today i talked someone down from the ledge

and found the beef, though i kinda which i hadn't

I got trapped in a broken elevator

with mother theresa and hitler

When my baby got home tonight

she said "You didn't do shit today"

I said no, baby

Maybe tomorrow

The One You Want

The one you want more than anyone is gonna run away

The one you want more than anyone is never gonna stay

You can make someone happier than they've ever been

But you can't make you happy, that's a game you'll never win

The one you want more than anyone is gonna say goodbye

The one you want more than anyone is gonna make you cry

You can give someone the best thing they'll ever know

But you can't buy your own best thing, that's just a no-go

You can walk the spirit path, erase all your greed

But the spirit path won't heal you like you need

The one you want more than anyone is gonna disappear

You'll turn around, and they won't be here

You can make someone happier than they've ever been

But you can't make you happy, that's a game you'll never win

"Bad Feminist"

-by roxane gay

2014

My only complaint with this book is that for a while, it feels like false advertising. Big chunks of the middle section aren't about feminism really, just pop culture critiques. But relax, and embrace the fact that the piece is a collection of essays written as standalones...and eventually it all comes around to feminism (or maybe feminism/race). And all that is actually a nice parallel for roxane's problem with feminism - what IS it ? As soon as you try to capture "essential feminism", you're stumbling over your own feet. So instead of taking territorial poses, let's all just be ourselves and keep on striving for common ground. Pretty good message, and pretty great essays. Thank you, roxane.

The Blues Just Blew into Town

There's a blue moon tonight

My ex called out of the blue

She went from blue collar to blue blood

So i'm swimming the blue bayou

Feel it waterfallin' down

I guess the blues just blew into town

My car is a blue book bust

The blue whales are fading away

Mr. Blue Sky can't be found

It's just another blue Monday

Feel it waterfallin' down

I guess the blues just blew into town

Blue devils won't let me be

I'm drowning in the deep blue sea

Blueberry Hill can't be found

Blue Christmas comin' 'round

The best host left Blue's Clues

Blue suede shoes ain't for the weak

My probation officer's blue in the face

He's talking a blue streak

Feel it waterfallin' down

I guess the blues just blew into town

Just another blue valentine

My heart is all black and blue

My blue heaven feels like hell

My cojones are pretty blue too

Feel it waterfallin' down

I guess the blues just blew into town

not-ends 32

There are only two ceremonies i refuse to attend - marriage and funeral. Come to think of it, there's only one kind.

The first freedom is freedom from family. The second freedom is freedom from friends. The third freedom is freedom from lover. The final freedom is freedom from self.

Do you suppose there was anyone waiting in heaven to slut-shame god the day he got mary pregnant?

Once upon a time, workers had to fight for the right to work only ten hours a day. Then it was the struggle for eight hours. The people celebrated. How many million americans work two jobs...and who's laughing now?

The average human farts fourteen times a day. Factor in the number of viewers on this site at any given moment, and i've calculated that in the time it takes you read this, another viewer just farted. It was you, wasn't it?

I am sick of all this bullshit about "the greatest american generation". It's inaccurate AND misplaced. The men who fought WWII simply did what they were told. The moral credit for that war belongs to the soldiers' fathers and grandfathers. They saw that benito, tojo, and adolf were dominating and exploiting the weak, and said "Wait a minute - that's OUR job".

Winter fishermen have well-drilled iceholes.

The greatest obstacle to human progress is our capacity for self-delusion.

Did you ever notice that jewish women are amazing in bed, and jewish men lousy? Anybody have a line on that?

I bought a shirt at a garage sale that read "Jingle Bells, All Girls Smell". I thought i could wear it ironically. But when i tried, i just couldn't do it. So i got my scissors out, and snipped away the "m"...and now i can wear it! It's still repulsive (and selectively persecutorial, as men sell themselves just as fervently as women), but now it's at least ironically repulsive and conversation-provoking.

Studies have revealed that in every humyn society, the three happiest words are identical. A nobel-winning scientist has postulated that if we combine these words into one phrase, and make that phrase part of every culture, poverty and war might soon end. Those three words? "Naked boobie hug". It's time for the naked boobie hug world peace movement.

Sex and Love

Sex and love have nothing to do with each other

Sex and love are different beasts

Confusing the two, dumbest thing you can do

But that's what we do

from the west to the east

Sex and love have nothing to do with each other

Love ain't what sex is about

Confusing the two, silliest thing you can do

But that's what we do

from the north to the south

Do you love me, do you love me

Well i want you, i want you

Do you love me, do you love me

Well i want you, i want you

Do you love them, do you love them

Well i want them, i want them

Do you love me, do you love me

We seem to be stuck

Sex and love have nothing to do with each other

Sex and love are frenemies

Confusing the two, stupidest thing you can do

But that's what we do

from the rich to the poor

left to right

nasty to nice

smart to dumb

sober to numb

Sex and love, sex and love

not-ends 33

I'm convinced there are some wimyn (not all, mind you) who wake up and think, "Well, WHAT shall i do with my breasts today?" And maybe they decide to take their breasts for a bike ride. So they do. And maybe i pass them, and they smile at me as though i know exactly what they're doing. And i DO know! Bless them, i say. I might do the same if i could.

Occasionally (after a decade or three of searching) some people stumble across this spiritual truth - whenever someone says something bad about you, do NOT take it personally. Very, very few go on to the deeper truth - whenever someone says something good about you, do NOT take it personally.

Nine of ten people will think about suicide at some point. It's the 10% who fascinate me.

Racism ain't about yellow, pink, or brown - only the green that ain't spread around.

Bumper sticker: FUNCTIONAL IS DYSFUNCTIONAL

Theories abound over whether meat-eating makes humans more aggressive. Here's another - a circumcised infant will have trust issues forever.

The moment you objectify your life, is the moment you objectify everybody you know.

If someone sticks their head far enough up their ass, will they eventually get a view of the world again by peeking out their own throat?

The great american question of the 17th century - who are these pink-skinned assholes? The great american question of the 18th century - what loyalty is owed a government that keeps rich men from their profits? The great american question of the 19th century - what loyalty is owed a government that tolerates racial slavery? The great american question of the 20th century - what loyalty is owed a government that tolerates gender slavery? The great american question of the 21st century - what loyalty is owed a government that tolerates poverty?

Actually, there will be a second great question of the 21st century - what loyalty is owed a government that tolerates other-animal slavery. We're going to have to double up on great questions this century.

The only honest love song in the history of pop music? "Love for Sale".