Thursday, October 22, 2026

"Beauty and the Beast"

1987-1990

-created by ron koslow

Perhaps you missed this entirely during its first run...and then the Disney version came out, forever tainting this series with guilt-by-association saccharine lameness (not that the two productions were connected in any way other than source material). If so, that's a shame. I wanted to dislike this series, but couldn't. The quality of the acting, production values, and yes, even the writing(!) is too conspicuous to be denied.

Set in modern Manhattan, the series creates a hidden world-under-the-city, where outcasts and idealists live free from the cultural sicknesses above. A noble, gentle lion man (ron perlman - HELLBOY, STAR TREK: NEMESIS), whose origins are never explained, protects the world below while becoming romantically embroiled with catherine (linda hamilton - TERMINATOR, RESIDENT ALIEN), a crusading district attorney from above.

The makeup and sets are so well done that you never question the reality of this world. The writing occasionally startles you with gritty darkness and nuanced complexity, perhaps due in large part to primary contributor george r.r. martin (GAME OF THRONES, HOUSE OF THE DRAGON). Martin is the real deal, in case that was in doubt.

The supporting cast is top-notch, particularly roy dotrice (AMADEUS, HELLBOY 2), jay acovone (STARGATE: SG1, CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES), edward albert (BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE, POWER RANGERS TIME FORCE), tony jay (TIME BANDITS, TWIN PEAKS), armin shimerman (STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE, BOSTON LEGAL), and jo anderson (JFK, SISTERS), who had the deeply thankless job of replacing linda in the final season, when catherine was killed off because linda was having a baby. But even the final season is far from awful.

Sunday, October 18, 2026

Eat the Rich

Eat the rich, yum yum yum

Eat the rich, then wipe your bum

Eat the rich, slurp slurp

Eat the rich, give a burp

Eat the rich, on the grill

Eat the rich, what a thrill

Eat the rich, in the oven

Eat the rich, give 'em a shove in

Eat the rich, be so happy

Eat the rich, take a nappy

Eat the rich, don't be a clown

Eat the rich, gulp 'em down

Eat the rich, don't take their sass

Eat the rich, then pass some gas

Eat the rich, who's the boss

Eat the rich, with jerk sauce

Eat the rich, with marinade

Eat the rich, then go get laid

Eat the rich, get things rolling

Eat the rich, they're coming to your colon

Eat the rich, jump and shout

Eat the rich, poop 'em out

Eat the rich, fill your gut

Eat the rich, then wipe your butt

Eat the rich, whoop dee doo

Eat the rich, make a poo

Eat the rich, chomp chomp

Eat the rich, take a domp

Eat the rich, don't even question

Eat the rich, you might get indigestion

Eat the rich, use the bidet

Eat the rich, yipee-yi-yay

Eat the rich, save the nanny

Eat the rich, wipe your fanny

Eat the rich, with some beer

Eat the rich, then wipe your rear

Eat the rich, with some ale

Eat the rich, then wipe your tail

Eat the rich, with some wine

Eat the rich, you'll feel fine

Eat the rich, with dijon

Eat the rich, til they're gone

Eat the rich, like neil sedaka

Eat the rich, then leave a caca

Wednesday, October 14, 2026

Funny for Nothing

-parody of "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits

Look at them tech bros, that's the way you do it
Hoarding money in the bourgeoisie
That ain't workin', that's the way you do it
I guess i'm funny for nothing coz chicks ain't free

That ain't workin', that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya, them guys ain't dumb
Maybe get chlamydia on your little finger
A little chlamydia on your thumb

I killed at the open mic
I killed at the library
I killed at the farmer's market
But they never put me on TV

Trust fund baby jetting around the world
Buying plugs for his thinning hair
He's on the board of three corporations
Trust fund baby is a millionaire

I killed at the open mic
I killed at the library
I killed at the farmer's market
But they never put me on TV

I shoulda majored in business
Not french impressionist art
Trust fund baby burning benjamins at the resort
Wet T-shirt contest gonna start

And what's that there, someone sleeping on the street
Shutting our doors to the refugee
Trust fund baby stepping over the homeless
It's funny for nothing, coz misery's free

I killed at the open mic
I killed at the library
I killed at the farmer's market
But they never put me on TV

Look at them tech bros, that's the way you do it
Hoarding money in the bourgeoisie
That ain't workin', that's the way you do it
I'm funny for nothing coz chicks ain't free

Funny for nothing, chicks ain't free
Funny for nothing, chicks ain't free
I guess it's, i guess it's, i guess it's mary palm for me
I guess it's, i guess it's, i guess it's mary palm for me
I guess it's, i guess it's, i guess it's mary palm for me
Funny for nothing, coz chicks ain't free

Saturday, October 10, 2026

Scrolling 'Til i Weep

(parody of "Rolling in the Deep", by adele)

There's an emptiness burning in my heart
Lonely and listless, taking me to the dark
I can't find a friend but i don't care
Got a magic carpet, takes me anywhere
On my laptop, phone, or neural implants
Sitting on my bed, i don't need pants
So much emptiness burning in my heart
Some kitten videos save me from the dark
I get some ice cream and turn on the screen
My new A.I. friend tells me what it means
Real life leaves me so listless
I can't help feeling
I want to watch it all
Scrolling til i weep
Dopamine sparks in my head
So i play it on repeat
Infinite scrolling, my best friend
Algorithm knows what i want, it'll never ever end
Think of me in the depths of my despair
But my Discord community they really really care
20 reaction videos to my favorite song
Then 20 cover versions so i can sing along
These damn kitten videos never ever stop
I can't help feeling
I want to watch it all
Scrolling til i weep
Dopamine sparks in my head
So i play it on repeat
Product demos and reviews
They hit the spot for me
Apparently
I want a brand new bikini
I can scroll through any open door
Tiktoks to Ted Talks more more more more more
How-to videos are my current craze
Livestreams, micro-vlogging i can watch for days
I wanna watch it all
I wanna watch it all
It all, it all, it all
I want to watch it all
Scrolling til i scream
I can't get more ice cream
I might miss, miss the newest meme
I want to watch it all
Scrolling til i weep
Dopamine sparks in my head
So i play it on repeat

Tuesday, October 6, 2026

Moronic

A young man read his horoscope
It said life's no good, he put his neck in a rope
A young womyn has her cards read
They say life sucks, she kills herself dead

Isn't it moronic?
Don't you think?

An invisible friend when you're older than five
Protecting fetuses without protecting those alive
Poor people voting tax breaks for the rich
Who would've thought? It figures

White girl from the burbs think's spirituality's neat
At the guru convention she buys a front row seat
Guided meditation make her world right
500 bucks for pilgrim robes, she thinks "this is so nice"

Isn't it moronic?
Don't you think?

An invisible friend when you're older than five
Protecting fetuses without protecting those alive
Poor people voting tax breaks for the rich
Who would've thought? It figures

Maybe the universe sends you signs
Maybe the universe just winked at you
Maybe the universe keeps you in mind
Universe really cares about you

It's reincarnation but only for hairless apes
No female revolution after ten billion rapes
You don't believe in santa but you do believe in ghosts
You believe in angels too, your head's thick as a post

Isn't it moronic?
Don't you think?
A little too moronic
I really do think

An invisible friend when you're older than five
Protecting fetuses without protecting those alive
Poor people voting tax breaks for the rich
Who would've thought? It figures

Maybe the universe sends you signs
Maybe the universe really winks at you

Friday, October 2, 2026

Welcome to Hell

Give us your tired your poor

The statue of liberty's gone blind

We don't want refugees no more

I think i'm losing my mind

McyD's the only food we got

Hallmark Channel on the tube

Taylor swift stuck on repeat

and the devil don't use lube

Welcome to hell

Sweet babies, welcome to hell

A rebel yell with sweet cowbell

Welcome to hell

A reality TV star in the oval

A racist oozing self-hate

Incompetent cronies kiss his ass

Ain't manifest destiny great

McyD's the only food we got

Hallmark Channel on the tube

Taylor swift stuck on repeat

and the devil don't use lube

Welcome to hell

Sweet babies, welcome to hell

A rebel yell with sweet cowbell

Welcome to hell

Exploiting brown people for profit

Blaming them for all our shit

We never look in the mirror

The world's biggest hypocrite

Give us your tired your poor

The statue of liberty's gone blind

We don't want refugees no more

I think i'm losing my mind

McyD's the only food we got

Hallmark Channel on the tube

Taylor swift stuck on repeat

and the devil don't use lube

Welcome to hell

Sweet babies, welcome to hell

A rebel yell with sweet cowbell

Welcome to hell

Monday, September 28, 2026

Treksy and i Know It

-parody of "Sexy and I Know It", by LMFAO (original song by stefan kendal gordy, george m. robertson, erin beck, GoonRock, and kenneth oliver)

When i wear spock ears, girls be looking like, "Damn, he queer"
Mccoy say crammit, not a plumber dammit 
Sulu so fly, naked swordsman, oh oh my
Uhura steal the show, swahili queen got glow
Beam me up, scotty
Beam me up, scotty
Beam me up, scotty
I kirk out
Beam me up, scotty
Beam me up, scotty
Beam me up, scotty
I kirk out
Black and white aliens, that's allegory
One side white, one side black, humynity
Phasers on stun, no more brutality
Don't kill the horta, just a mommy
I'm treksy and i know it
I'm treksy and i know it
Doc beverly show class, tasha yar kicking ass
Black captain DS9, so so fine
Female captain Voyager, so strong so secure
Drink romulan ale, go save a whale
Beam me up, scotty
Beam me up, scotty
Beam me up, scotty
I kirk out
Beam me up, scotty
Beam me up, scotty
Beam me up, scotty
I kirk out
j.j. abrams films wretched to see
No story no smarts no allegory
Strange New Worlds finally make it right
Trekkie magic outtasight
I'm treksy and i know it
I'm treksy and i know it
Tribble, tribble, tribble, tribble, tribble, khan
Tribble, tribble, tribble, tribble, tribble, khan
Tribble, tribble, tribble, tribble, tribble, khan
Beam me up, scotty
Beam me up, scotty
Beam me up, scotty
I kirk out
Beam me up, scotty
Beam me up, scotty
Beam me up, scotty
I kirk out
I'm treksy and i know it