A.Y.S.K. 1

ALBUMS YOU SHOULD KNOW

(inexplicably obscure or semi-obscure records)

NO WORDS

-by tim hagans, 1994

Alternately melodic, slinky, and jangly, the through line is curiosity, in the way that coltrane at his best was musically curious. This album is so unreviewed and undocumented that i've no idea whether the second track is a STAR TREK nod.

Anyone taking a deep dive into hagans' oeuvre should know it will be hit and miss. Some efforts fall flat, but the best ones burst with goodness. There's no living trumpeter i'm more eager to hear.

Cincinnati Freedom

Did you hear, did you hear

She leapt a six-foot fence

Did you hear, did you hear

She's a cow

Did you hear, did you hear

She leapt a six-foot fence

No one knows where she is now

Cow 541 heard the death blades coming

Heard the bolt guns pop, the bodies drop

The smell of death and fear in the air

She had to get out of there

The clanking of chains, the splattering of brains

She took a thousand-pound leap

It would make olympic hurdlers weep

She pulled herself over and she ran

Run as fast as you can

Run run run run freedom

Cincinnati freedom run

Run run run run freedom

No more 541, freedom run

For 11 days she dodged the tranquilizer darts

For 11 days she avoided the traps

Through suburbs she scrambled, through parks she ambled

The convicts on the road crew tipped their caps

They hired a cowboy named lasso larue

He galloped through town, headline news

He'd end this silly chase, that's what he'd do

But he only caught a Subaru and three shih tzus

Run run run Cincinnati Freedom

Run run run run freedom

Cincinnati freedom run

Run run run run freedom

No more 541, freedom run

They finally caught her in the alley of mother o'malley

Too pooped to flee anymore

They asked the zoo to take her and treat her with class

but the zoo was afraid of this bovine badass

They gave her the key to the city

and she lived out all her days

in a sanctuary where survivors did graze

They did graze

And back at the slaughterhouse they shook their heads in wonder

Heads were gonna roll for this P.R. blunder

Cincinnati Freedom, sweet magnificence

Now every slaughterhouse needs a seven-foot fence

Run run run run freedom

Cincinnati freedom run

Run run run run freedom

No more 541

Run run run run freedom

Cincinnati freedom run

Run run run run freedom

No more 541

Freedom run

Wicked World

Little annie hid in the attic

from men with helmets and guns

Her life too soon done

Ain't genocide fun

Little malala got shot in the face

just for going to school

Little girls shouldn't be smart

That's the patriarchy rule

We walk a wicked world, we walk until we die

Walk a wicked world, little baby don't you cry

Little tsutomu took a business trip

to Hiroshima in 1945

Then he ran home to Nagasaki

Two A-bombs he did survive

Little abe fought a war and depression

He watched two sons fall dead

He freed four million slaves

then got shot in the head

We walk a wicked world, we walk until we die

Walk a wicked world, little baby don't you cry

Malcolm and martin fought to set people free

But freedom fighters don't grow old

Assassins have job security

Marty and mal, their bodies so cold

Little mohandas set his country free

preaching unity for all creeds

Then he was killed by a countryman

History's dark little deeds

Little vincent's beauty breaks your heart

Never got a nickel for his art

Lonely nights in an empty bed

He put that barrel to his head

Little oscar's quotes are immortal

He was jailed for loving men

Prison wrecked his life

He died without a friend

We walk a wicked world, we walk until we die

Walk a wicked world, little baby don't you cry

Little joan led the french army

and won the hearts of the land

She was killed for being too strong

They burned her for being like a man

Little robbie wanted to be roberta

and wear a pretty dress

Rednecks tied her to a truck

and made a bloody mess

Little johnny imagined peace and love

Jealous guy showed the empty sky above

But a broken child named mark

took a shot, a shot in the dark

Little sylvia's poems will burn you

Little ted said he'd stay but he lied

Sylvia crawled in the oven

while her little babies cried

We walk a wicked world, we walk until we die

Walk a wicked world, little baby don't you cry

"Beauty and the Beast"

1987-1990

-created by ron koslow

Perhaps you missed this entirely during its first run...and then the Disney version came out, forever tainting this series with guilt-by-association saccharine lameness (not that the two productions were connected in any way other than source material). If so, that's a shame. I wanted to dislike this series, but couldn't! The quality of the acting, production values, and yes, even the writing(!) is too conspicuous to be denied.

Set in modern Manhattan, the series creates a hidden world-under-the-city, where outcasts and idealists live free from the cultural sicknesses above. A noble, gentle lion man (ron perlman - HELLBOY, STAR TREK: NEMESIS), whose origins are never explained, protects the world below while becoming romantically embroiled with catherine (linda hamilton - TERMINATOR, RESIDENT ALIEN), a crusading district attorney from above.

The makeup and sets are so well done that you never question the reality of this world. The writing occasionally startles you with gritty darkness and nuanced complexity, perhaps due in large part to primary contributor george r.r. martin (GAME OF THRONES, HOUSE OF THE DRAGON). Martin is the real deal, in case that was in doubt.

The supporting cast is top-notch, particularly roy dotrice (AMADEUS, HELLBOY 2), jay acovone (STARGATE: SG1, CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES), edward albert (BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE, POWER RANGERS TIME FORCE), tony jay (TIME BANDITS, TWIN PEAKS), armin shimerman (STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE, BOSTON LEGAL), and jo anderson (JFK, SISTERS), who had the deeply thankless job of replacing linda in the final season, when catherine was killed off because linda was having a baby. But even the final season is far from awful.

Eat the Rich

Eat the rich, yum yum yum

Eat the rich, then wipe your bum

Eat the rich, slurp slurp

Eat the rich, give a burp

Eat the rich, on the grill

Eat the rich, what a thrill

Eat the rich, in the oven

Eat the rich, give 'em a shove in

Eat the rich, be so happy

Eat the rich, take a nappy

Eat the rich, don't be a clown

Eat the rich, gulp 'em down

Eat the rich, don't take their sass

Eat the rich, then pass some gas

Eat the rich, who's the boss

Eat the rich, with jerk sauce

Eat the rich, with marinade

Eat the rich, then go get laid

Eat the rich, get things rolling

Eat the rich, they're coming to your colon

Eat the rich, jump and shout

Eat the rich, poop 'em out

Eat the rich, fill your gut

Eat the rich, then wipe your butt

Eat the rich, whoop dee doo

Eat the rich, make a poo

Eat the rich, chomp chomp

Eat the rich, take a domp

Eat the rich, don't even question

Eat the rich, you might get indigestion

Eat the rich, use the bidet

Eat the rich, yipee-yi-yay

Eat the rich, save the nanny

Eat the rich, wipe your fanny

Eat the rich, with some beer

Eat the rich, then wipe your rear

Eat the rich, with some ale

Eat the rich, then wipe your tail

Eat the rich, with some wine

Eat the rich, you'll feel fine

Eat the rich, with dijon

Eat the rich, til they're gone

Eat the rich, like neil sedaka

Eat the rich, then leave a caca

Funny for Nothing

-parody of "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits

Look at them tech bros, that's the way you do it
Hoarding money in the bourgeoisie
That ain't workin', that's the way you do it
I guess i'm funny for nothing coz chicks ain't free

That ain't workin', that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya, them guys ain't dumb
Maybe get chlamydia on your little finger
A little chlamydia on your thumb

I killed at the open mic
I killed at the library
I killed at the farmer's market
But they never put me on TV

Trust fund baby jetting around the world
Buying plugs for his thinning hair
He's on the board of three corporations
Trust fund baby is a millionaire

I killed at the open mic
I killed at the library
I killed at the farmer's market
But they never put me on TV

I shoulda majored in business
Not french impressionist art
Trust fund baby burning benjamins at the resort
Wet T-shirt contest gonna start

And what's that there, someone sleeping on the street
Shutting our doors to the refugee
Trust fund baby stepping over the homeless
It's funny for nothing, coz misery's free

I killed at the open mic
I killed at the library
I killed at the farmer's market
But they never put me on TV

Look at them tech bros, that's the way you do it
Hoarding money in the bourgeoisie
That ain't workin', that's the way you do it
I'm funny for nothing coz chicks ain't free

Funny for nothing, chicks ain't free
Funny for nothing, chicks ain't free

I guess it's, i guess it's, i guess it's mary palm for me

I guess it's, i guess it's, i guess it's mary palm for me

I guess it's, i guess it's, i guess it's mary palm for me

Funny for nothing, coz chicks ain't free

Scrolling 'Til i Weep

(parody of "Rolling in the Deep", by adele)

There's an emptiness burning in my heart
Lonely and listless, taking me to the dark
I can't find a friend but i don't care
Got a magic carpet, takes me anywhere
On my laptop, phone, or neural implants
Sitting on my bed, i don't need pants
So much emptiness burning in my heart
Some kitten videos save me from the dark
I get some ice cream and turn on the screen
My new A.I. friend tells me what it means
Real life leaves me so listless
I can't help feeling
I want to watch it all
Scrolling til i weep
Dopamine sparks in my head
So i play it on repeat
Infinite scrolling, my best friend
Algorithm knows what i want, it'll never ever end
Think of me in the depths of my despair
But my Discord community they really really care
20 reaction videos to my favorite song
Then 20 cover versions so i can sing along
These damn kitten videos never ever stop

I can't help feeling
I want to watch it all
Scrolling til i weep
Dopamine sparks in my head
So i play it on repeat
Product demos and reviews
They hit the spot for me
Apparently

I want a brand new bikini
I can scroll through any open door
Tiktoks to Ted Talks more more more more more
How-to videos are my current craze
Livestreams, micro-vlogging i can watch for days
I wanna watch it all
I wanna watch it all

It all, it all, it all

I want to watch it all
Scrolling til i scream
I can't get more ice cream
I might miss, miss the newest meme

I want to watch it all
Scrolling til i weep
Dopamine sparks in my head
So i play it on repeat