Common-Law Emergency Contact

Here we are babe, we made it

We beat the odds, we cleared the bar

They said it couldn't be done

They said we'd never get this far

But love's a mysterious power

Love's a miraculous beast

Love can move many mountains

and there's hope for the middle east

Coz here we stand in our fuzzy slippers

for all the world to see

That i can put up with you

and you can tolerate me

The calendar says it's true

I think your mom had a heart attack

Here we are, me and you

I'm your common-law emergency contact

When you're by my side

how the weeks do fly

Other lovers fade so fast

Do they really even try

For love's a mysterious power

Love's a miraculous beast

Love can move many mountains

and there's hope for the middle east

Coz here we stand in our fuzzy slippers

for all the world to see

That i can put up with you

and you can tolerate me

The calendar says it's true

I think your mom had a heart attack

Here we are, me and you

I'm your common-law emergency contact

Is it love or laziness

that keeps our lives entwined

We're not getting any younger

I might be the best you'll find

People ask us our secret

What it is between you and me

We tell 'em it's one part humor

And three parts apathy

For love's a mysterious power

Love's a miraculous beast

Love can truly move mountains

and there's hope for the middle east

Coz here we stand in our fuzzy slippers

for all the world to see

That i can put up with you

and you can tolerate me

The calendar says it's true

I think your mom had a heart attack

Here we are, me and you

I'm your common-law emergency contact

Stupid City

We say pass away, we don't say die

Euphemistic language makin' me cry

Sliding the slippery slope to Stupid City

We say animals, but don't mean us

We ride the arrogant, delusional bus

Sliding the slippery slope to Stupid City

Unceasing self-serving rationalization

We convince ourselves black is white

We don't care who cries or dies

Same old song, might makes right

We're so impressed by coincidence

Numerology, astrology bile

Sliding the slippery slope to Stupid City

We think the universe sends us notes

and god has us on speed dial

Sliding the slippery slope to Stupid City

Your fake humility makes me wanna puke

If god were real, she'd drop the nuke

Proud Boys call the world fair

No sexism or racism out there

We get bug-eyed by coincidence

but the galaxy don't circle the sun

Your imagination mighty meager

Your messiah ain't the holy one

Numerically brain-dead monkeys

Our knowledge of probabilities nil

Aunt sally's call wasn't a miracle

Stop your silly self-serving swill

As the Beatle said, ain't it a pity

So much shitty in our nitty gritty

And that's the end of this dainty ditty

'bout Stupid City

Fetish Eyes

I'm so vanilla, hopelessly vanilla

I want vanilla sex all night through

Vanilla sex after lunch

Then a quick nap for an hour or two

Vanilla sex at sundown

Vanilla sex in cars and tents

Vanilla sex at the funeral

It's just good common sense

But maybe i have one fetish

Maybe i've just one kink

People who have a fetish turn me on

Is that a fetish, whattaya think

Urophilia lactophilia zoophilia too

I'm turned on by somnophilia, how 'bout you

I dig breeding kink and praise kink and electrostimulation

I wish i were a member of kink nation

Quirophilia klismaphilia autonepiophilia too

Agalmatophilia for folks who dig a sexy statue

Impact play temperature play and wax play as well

But don't use normal candles, as the pros will tell

Kaptoptronphilia katoptronphilia

maybe my favorite of all

Let's look at ourselves in a mirror

while we're having a freaky ball

I have a fetish for people with a fetish

Come to my place and turn me on

A fetish for people with a fetish

You're so weird, i wanna meet your mom

I wanna pet your pooper pet your pooper pet it

But i don't have a fetish

Tickle your pooper tickle your pooper tickle it

But i don't have a fetish

Oil your pooper oil your pooper oil it

But i don't have a fetish

Spank your pooper spank your pooper spank it

Hmmm

Urophilia lactophilia zoophilia too

I'm turned on by somnophilia, how 'bout you

I dig breeding kink and praise kink and electrostimulation

I wish i were a member of kink nation

Quirophilia klismaphilia autonepiophilia too

Agalmatophilia for folks who did a sexy statue

I dig impact play temperature play and wax play as well

But don't use normal candles, as the pros will tell

Kaptoptronphilia katoptronphilia

maybe my favorite of all

Let's look at ourselves in a mirror

while we're having a freaky ball

I have a fetish for people with a fetish

Come to my place and turn me on

A fetish for people with a fetish

You're so weird, i wanna meet your mom

Vegan No More

Rich people are like squirrels, hiding away their nuts

Nuts in the attic, nuts in the beach house, nuts in the account offshore

Nibble nibble, rich people are squirrels

Rich people are like ticks, sucking the blood of the poor

Sucking up money, sucking up land, sucking more more more

Suck suck, rich people are ticks

Rich people are like sharks, pooping out the weak

Pooping the indigenous, pooping wimyn, pooping out the poor

Poop poop, rich people are sharks

No more, no more

I can't be vegan no more

Gonna eat me some squirrelticksharks

Coz i can't be vegan no more

Squirrels!

Ticks!

Sharks!

No more, no more

I can't be vegan no more

Gonna eat me some squirrelticksharks

Coz i can't be vegan no more

Across the Sea

If i rowed across the sea would you turn and walk away

If i showed you all my need would you have nothing to say

If i shared all my sorrow would you shut your sight and flee

If the world ended tomorrow would you share tonight with me

Too weary for greed

Too sad to feel shame

Too lost to beg and plead

Too broken to play the game

If i rowed across the sea would you turn and walk away

If i showed you all my need would you have nothing to say

If i shared all my sorrow would you shut your sight and flee

If the world ended tomorrow would you share tonight with me

Legal Tender

If tenderness were legal tender dr. king's dream would be here

If tenderness were legal tender we wouldn't freefall in fear

If tenderness were tender the gods of greed would go away

If tenderness were tender you'd be here today

If tenderness were legal tender we'd heal the hurting hearts

If tenderness were legal tender happy homes wouldn't tear apart

If tenderness were tender the demons of need would go away

If tenderness were tender you'd be here today

If tenderness were tender i'd fix all the hurts i've done

If tenderness were tender we'd all sing our songs in the sun

If tenderness were legal tender we'd never take our own life

If tenderness were legal tender we'd swim from this cesspool of strife

If tenderness were tender the gods of greed would go away

If tenderness were tender you'd be here today

S.O.P.

Spikes or pillows, accident of birth

The meritocracy myth on Mother Earth

Spikes or pillows, roll of the dice

Here comes nasty, there goes nice

Spikes or pillows, luck of the draw

Who's your mommy, who's your paw

Spikes or pillows, a family plan

The heiress is horny for the pool man

People who play on pillows

Too comfy to care 'bout unfair

People who suffer on spikes

ain't gonna get out of there

Do you have a trust fund

Do you have connections

Did you get a free pass

in the dance of death and erections

Sunflowers or weeping willows

Spikes below, don't plummet from pillows

Weeping willows or sunflowers

Bye bye sun, here come showers

Spikes or pillows, what'll it be

It's pedigree, family tree

Spikes or pillows, i wish you luck

The palace perfect, the sewers suck