I'll Be Washing You

(parody of "Every Breath You Take", by gordon sumner)

I love you more every day
But i just gotta say
When get downwind of you
it stinks like holy poo
so i'll be washing you
Put your clothes in this bag
You smell like a stanky old rag

I don't mean to nag
but you're making me gag
so i'll be washing you
Your hygiene is obscene, making me turn green
Your holy funk of doom could clear out any room
All our friends agree
you smell like horse pee
Just between you and me
you make strangers flee
so i'll be washing you

Stripping you down and tossing you in the tub
Time for some righteous rub-a-dub-dub
Your undercarriage needs extra attention
Orifices we shouldn't mention
I keep gagging baby, baby, please

Everyone agrees you smell like a sewer
Making love with you is like rolling in manure

Every pit and every crack
Top to bottom, front to back
Only one thing you lack
Your odor i can't hack so
I'll be washing you
I'll use a scouring pad 
The town will be so glad

I'll be washing you

I'll use a fire hose, we'll burn all your clothes
With a pin on my nose, make you smell like a rose
Disinfectants and bleach
I'll do the underhand reach
Make you smell like a peach

You just polluted the beach so
I'll be washing you

I'll be washing you

Throw you in a pond

Throw you in a lake

Your stench i cannot take

I'll be washing you

Toss you in a river

Toss you in a lagoon

They can smell you on the moon

so i'll be washing you

Throw you in a puddle

Throw you in a pool

You smell like a stool

I'll be washing you

Shitshow

Rich white men shit on poor white men

Poor white men shit on white wimyn

Rich white wimyn shit on poor white wimyn

Poor white wimyn shit on everybody else

Brown men shit on brown wimyn

Brown wimyn shit on gay brown wimyn

And everybody, everybody

Everybody shits on the dog

I wish there were a devil to shit on rich white men

But there ain't no hellfire below

Karma's a joke and heaven's a hoax

Welcome to the humyn shitshow

Brown wimyn wanna be white wimyn

Yellow wimyn wanna be white wimyn

Black wimyn wanna be white wimyn

but they'll settle for brown

Ugly folk wanna be pretty

Old folk wanna be young

Everybody wants big boobies

Everybody wants to be hung

I wish there were a devil to shit on rich white men

But there ain't no hellfire below

Karma's a joke and heaven's a hoax

Welcome to the humyn shitshow

From the London Bridge to the Golden Gate

People everywhere are jumpin'

From the Brooklyn Bridge to the Banpo Bridge

People would rather be humpin'

We all need to be mothered

No one wants to be othered

No man wants to be smothered

when a baddie bats her eyes

We're all self-absorbed twits

Most of us selfish shits

The love game is the pits

Everybody lies

I wish there were a devil to shit on rich white men

But there ain't no hellfire below

Karma's a joke and heaven's a hoax

Welcome to the humyn shitshow

Lazy

(parody of "Crazy", by Gnarls Barkley)

I remember when, i remember when we first made love
You asked my favorite posish
I said, here's my wish, mmm
Don't like missionary, i don't like doggy style
Don't want the happy baby or the CAT
Being on bottom is where it's at, mm
Does that make me lazy, does that make me lazy, does that make me lazy?
Possibly
She said we might have the sexual time of our life
I don't like the lotus, and the leapfrog ain't nice, mm
Don't like the little dipper, i don't like stand and deliver
I wanna cowgirl your pole, i like to be in control
Does that make me lazy, does the make me lazy, does that make me lazy
Probably
I don't like the wheelbarrrow, she don't like the flat iron
And the butter churner, we find that so tirin', mm-hmm
I don't like spooning, she don't like the waterfall
And the pearly gates, we don't like that at all
Does that make us lazy, does that make us lazy, does that make us lazy?
It really could be
No pretzel, no hot seat, and no seashell

And the mountain climber can go to hell

No stairway to heaven, no no no ballet dancer

The pinball wizard, that ain't the answer

Does that make us lazy, does that make us lazy, does that make us lazy?
Indubitably

Original lyrics by Gian Franco Reverberi, Gian Piero Reverberi, Thomas Decarlo Callaway

Not-Ends 50

Where will the euphemistic degradation of our language end? "NEWS FLASH, HOLLYWOOD: Nick Reiner passed away his parents last night."

Why do we have godparents, but not devilparents?

Romantically, young men have patience with no humility, and old men have humility with no patience. Sorry, ladies.

Having a baby is like saying, "I've got nothing to do for the next eighteen years, AND i'm a big fan of ingratitude!" Are you INSANE?? Who would do that?

To believe in god, is to declare that there's nothing you won't believe in.

Never believe anything anyone tells you. Including what you tell yourself.

I'm not like most men. I don't want to fuck ALL wimyn. Just the ones who don't look like me.

Rejecting common sense is just good common sense.

Red-Baring: a television series that starts with a burst of sexy nudity, then devolves into PG flaccidity.

If a womyn wants a man to be long-term monogamously faithful, the smartest thing she can do is to buy him a nuru massage once a week (she cannot provide this service herself - that would undo her intended manipulation).

Should she also stipulate that it never be the SAME nuru therapist? Perhaps. In any case, he will eagerly agree. And the whole ploy might actually work, pulling off a minor miracle indeed.

The Ballad of Butt

Butt riley was a hell of a man

Had the hardest head

in all the land

King of the hoodlums in that city by the Bay

Don't make him frown

He'll make you pay

Here comes butt

On the Frisco streets there weren't none meaner

He would head-butt any fool to the floor

Breaking and entering was his stock-in-trade

His thick skull could bash in any door

Here comes butt, here comes butt

Be very afraid, it's butt

He's gonna knock your world down

Here comes butt

Run away, he's gonna make you his clown

He didn't have a gang

but he ran with 'em all

The bad guys quivered

when butt came to call

Woke in the morgue and said "doc, i ain't dead

That'll take more'n one ball of lead"

Here comes butt, here comes butt

Be very afraid, it's butt

He's gonna knock your world down

Here comes butt

Run away, he's gonna make you his clown

The ladies loved butt

Kept his picture over their beds

When butt dropped his pants

everyone turned their heads

The ladies loved butt

They were not ashamed to say

Their smiles told the world

they had butt sex today

But the mighty they do fall

and so too butt's reign of wrath

One fateful day a door of oak

stood in his path

He crashed on through but as the splinters flew

here's what butt riley said

"Ow, that hurt my head"

Here comes butt, here comes butt

Be very afraid, it's butt

He's gonna knock your world down

Here comes butt

Run away, he's gonna make you his clown

If i Were Gay, i Wouldn't Date a White Guy

If i were gay, i wouldn't date a white guy

I mean, well who would

If i were gay, i wouldn't date a white guy

I don't think anybody should

Bland and kinda boring 

Their fashion leaves me snoring

Smug and satisfied

Take the children and hide

If i were gay, i wouldn't date a white guy

They ain't up to no good

If i were gay, i wouldn't date a white guy

I mean, well who would

If i were gay, i wouldn't date a white guy

I don't think anybody should

Uptight and pretentious

They talk and talk all day

That one beats his dog

They just won't go away

If i were gay, i wouldn't date a white guy

They ain't up to no good

How can they be so vanilla

when they use so much hot sauce

How do they look in the mirror

How do they carry that cross

If i were gay, i wouldn't date a white guy

I mean, well who would

If i were gay, i wouldn't date a white guy

I don't think anybody should

The poster children

for rape and pillage

Oh daddy dear daddy

let's burn that native village

If i were gay, i wouldn't date a white guy

And i don't think anybody should

They ain't misunderstood

They might have a white hood

They ain't up to no good

Blunderwood

(parody of "9 to 5", by dolly parton)

I turn on the tube for the inauguration
Circus time for a fractured nation
Pomp, circumstance, political divide

I see a sight and i start snarling
Everybody's american idol darling
singing for the rapist-in-chief, i nearly cried

Why'd you do it, why'd you croon for old d. trump
You really blew it, your career just hit the dump

I hope they paid you well, living in style

You kissed the caboose of a racist pedophile

Why'd you do it, was there a gun to your head 
Your agent's on the line, wishing they were dead
The world's watching us with disgust and shame

You took a torch to your good name

Don't say you didn't know about trump's manure
The man you serenaded is a moral sewer
His repulsiveness perfectly reliable

You claim to love jesus through and through
while you bow to donald's golden statue
The god he loves ain't nowhere in your bible

Why'd you do it, why'd you croon for old d. trump
You really blew it, your career just hit the dump

I hope they paid you well, living in style

You kissed the caboose of a racist pedophile

Why'd you do it, freedom of speech crucified

Those promises he made, he just lied

Did you lust for a little more fortune and fame

How bad do you need to be a household name

Don't get too sad, this ain't the end

Though maybe your money can't buy a friend

One day folks'll forgive and forget

It'll only take a decade or three

'til your song reclaims some harmony

You and will smith in a comeback duet

Why'd you do it, why'd you croon for old d. trump
You really blew it, your career just hit the dump

I hope they paid you well, living in style

You kissed the caboose of a racist pedophile

Why'd you do it, was there a gun to your head 
Your agent's on the line, wishing they were dead
The world's watching us with disgust and shame

You took a torch to your good name