1976-1981
-created by Ivan Goff and Ben Roberts
Feminist watershed or regressive objectification of women?
How about both?
Love it or hate it (or again, both), it was hard to be ambivalent about the cultural phenomenon that was CHARLIE'S ANGELS. Single, employed, empowered women kicking butt in a man's world, in a profession that it would have been laughable to imagine any woman doing a generation before. The single ANGELS male regular? A clown. Who was almost never central to the plotline.
Indeed, the only other comparable bursts of prime time estrogen in television's first half-century were 1981's CAGNEY & LACEY, 1984's KATE & ALLIE, 1985's THE GOLDEN GIRLS, and 1986's DESIGNING WOMEN. Notice anything about the proximity of those dates to ANGELS? Over three decades later, women still trail men in percentage of television leads, by a large margin...but at least no one talks about HOT IN CLEVELAND as a "woman's" show.
A compelling case can be made for THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW as the first female-dominated show, but a majority of the regulars were male. Plus, studio execs wouldn't allow Mary to be divorced (unlike one Sabrina Duncan). Mary wasn't given duties commensurate with her talent (once freed from the sexist police force, no Angel ever took a backseat to any other detective). Unlike her male co-workers, Mary deferred to her boss as "Mr. Grant" (did you ever hear an Angel utter "Mr. Townsend"?).
Of course, the flip side to all that...
The ANGELS opening credits intro ("Once upon a time, there were three little girls") is arguably the most patronizing tagline in television history. They were perhaps reaching for irony, but still...
ANGELS reduced serious women to sex objects. No Angel would have been out of place on the catwalk. Sex was an overriding factor in the show's success, in a way that reinforced the notion that a woman's worth is measured by her beauty (though to be fair, they didn't use sex as gratuitously or obviously as other shows - i'm lookin' at you, T.J. HOOKER).
Too often, the Angels solved their problems in male ways. A lot of bad guys received angelic beatdowns. Not even a radical feminist could be happy about that.
And behind it all, there was a mystery male pulling the strings.
Still, argue about whether the bad outweighed the good, but you can't argue that there wasn't a lot of good going on. These women were nobody's fools, excelling in a male-dominated world...and that's something which can never be taken away from the millions of little girls (and boys) who watched. It would be intriguing to find out how much of that was intentional. Is it possible that "charlie" was Ivan and Ben's deal with the devil (and no, i don't mean Aaron Spelling, but don't tempt me)? Would "SARAH'S ANGELS" have even made the airwaves?
Aside from all that, if you managed to get past your reservations, the show was a hoot! The stars complained of a dearth of great scripts, and not without cause. But their sexy/silly adventures were a brilliant formula. Nor was it all mindless...most people don't remember, or never took the time to find out, but there were genuine forays into the darker side of life. And a lot of the best episodes were the ones that took character study seriously.
So here, a salute to all things (classically) ANGELS!
FIVE GREATEST EPISODES (season)
-Angels in Chains (1)
-Angels at Sea (1)
-Angels in Paradise (2)
-Fallen Angel (4)
-One Love...Two Angels (4)
JACLYN SMITH
-Kelly Garrett, 110 episodes
In many ways, the quiet heart of the show (as opposed to the brains of Sabrina, or the groins of Jill). Lurking in her character were an orphan's abandonment issues...underneath that sweetness, there might have been someone a little high-maintenance, or even occasionally unreasonable. But no other Angel put herself on the line to help others as much.
KEL-A-THON
-Target: Angels (1)
-To Kill an Angel (1)
-Unidentified Flying Angels (2)
-Avenging Angel (4)
-Angel's Child (4)
DAVID DOYLE
-Bosley, 110 episodes
How underappreciated are this man's contributions, this Bosley John Bosley? The subtle line of comic relief he had to walk? He never descended into caricature, and always made the people around him better. All three Angels were never strictly required, as the interplay between them was fairly interchangeable...CHARLIE'S ANGEL probably would have been a success. But thankfully, we never had to learn what a Bos-less episode would be like.
BOS-A-THON
-Magic Fire (2)
-Antique Angels (2)
-The Sand Castle Murders (2)
-Angels in Waiting (3)
JOHN FORSYTHE
-Charles Townsend, 109 episodes (voice)
Immaculate pipes, Mr. Forsythe. But even as a kid, i knew there was something not quite right about his playboy ways. Did Ben and Ivan make that aspect of the show intentionally cheesy, to undercut it? One might be tempted to regret the fact that the network never forked over the bucks John wanted to finally appear in an episode. But in the big picture, history should be thankful. His absence guaranteed that nothing would mar the show's belonging incontrovertibly to...the women.
CHERYL LADD
-Kris Munroe, 87 episodes
Replace Farrah? Have you taken leave of your sanity?? It can be argued that the show broke no new ground in its final four seasons, so Cheryl's quietly towering achievement is perhaps lessened...but that's a myopic view. How many more impressionable children were touched by ANGEL magic in those four seasons (and the syndication that resulted)? Everything about Cheryl's excellence will forever be a bit diminished by a certain shadow...but her understated charm and unimpeachable talent brought about an almost unforeseeable result. The show thrived, and lost no ratings steam at all.
KRIS-A-THON
-Caged Angel (4)
-Angel Baby (2)
-Angel on my Mind (3)
-One of Our Angels is Missing (4)
-Love Boat Angels (4)
KATE JACKSON
-Sabrina Duncan, 69 episodes
How dynamic was Kate? How coolly intelligent? If i hadn't been a male child living in a sexually repressed society, might my (and everyone's) favorite Angel have been Sabrina? It might be worth mentioning that the ratings drop-off that DIDN'T follow Farrah's departure, did follow Kate's. And the show never bounced back. None of that is enough to make me watch SCARECROW AND MRS. KING, though.
SABRINATHON
-Lady Killer (1)
-Circus of Terror (2)
-Angel in Love (2)
-Angels on the Air (2)
FARRAH FAWCETT
-Jill Munroe, 29 episodes
Sigh. See http://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2009/06/farrah.html.
FARRAHTHON
-Dirty Business (1)
-The Blue Angels (1)
-Angel Come Home (3)
-An Angel's Trail (4)
SHELLEY HACK
-Tiffany Welles, 25 episodes
Was she hampered by how tentatively the producers used her? Given more time, might she have come into her own? She was far from awful...which is a lot harder than it sounds.
TANYA ROBERTS
-Julie Rogers, 16 episodes
Awful. Just really awful. More wooden than Long John Silver with a stiffy. And it genuinely pains me to say that, as the loyalty inspired by BEASTMASTER is the forever kind. But completely out of her element here. Literally hundreds of people (producers, directors, writers, actors, technicians) tried to make her look good...and failed in every episode save one. For a look that is somehow both deeper and shallower, read http://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2011/01/tanya-roberts.html.
SOON-TEK OH
-Lt. Torres, 4 episodes
The answer to one of the greatest ANGELS trivia questions - who was the only non-regular, recurring character in show history? Soon-Tek was also M*A*S*H's all-time guest star M*V*P.
FOUR-STAR EPISODES
-pilot (1)
-Angels in Chains (1)
-Target: Angels (1)
-Dirty Business (1)
-Angels at Sea (1)
-The Blue Angels (1)
-Angels in Paradise (2)
-Angels on Ice (2)
-Angels on the Air (2)
-Angel Baby (2)
-Angels on Horseback (2)
-Angels in the Backfield (2)
-The Sand Castle Murders (2)
-Angel Come Home (3)
-Angels Ahoy (3)
-Angel on my Mind (3)
-Marathon Angels (3)
-Love Boat Angels (4)
-Fallen Angel (4)
-Angels on Skates (4)
-An Angel's Trail (4)
-One Love...Two Angels (4)
-Island Angels (5)
LEFTOVER-A-THON
-Angels on Ice (2)
-Terror on Skis (3)
-Marathon Angels (3)
-Angels Ahoy (3)
-Angels Remembered (3)
-Island Angels (5)
Showing posts with label charlie's angels. Show all posts
Showing posts with label charlie's angels. Show all posts
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Charlie's Angels, season 5
1) Angel in Hiding ***
For this two-part debut of Angel Julie Rogers (Tanya Roberts - THE BEASTMASTER, A VIEW TO A KILL), the writing is solidly middling. But the episode is elevated by the genuinely creepy performance of coke-bottle eyeglassed Jack Albertson (CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, CHICO AND THE MAN). Plus Christopher Lee! It's also in the running for the most "that guy"-heavy ANGEL episode ever. Shelley Hack's departure is given about one line (they might as well have just said "Yeahhhh...she's gotta go see a guy, about a...thing"). Tanya's backstory has juice - a fashion model raised on the mean streets. Whether we're ready to buy it, is another story. But anyway, the times they are a-changin'...at least a bit. Remember that "once upon a time there were three little girls" intro? The puke-inducingly patronizing one? In this final season, it's gone! Kind of. It's now "three beautiful girls". I'm sure the producers felt very progressive. Now if they had just stopped calling women "girls"...
2) To See an Angel Die **
The crew visit the newly-opened hawaiian branch of the Townsend Agency. Within minutes of arrival, Kris is kidnapped by a family who blame them for killing their runaway mother who committed suicide three years earlier after Kris arrested her for prostitution, then a psychic (Jane Wyman - THE LOST WEEKEND, FALCON CREST) appears and mysteriously leads them to Kris. Whew! Underneath a groaning premise, there's actually some hard-hitting stuff about family dysfunction and the abusive mind.
3) Angels of the Deep **
All the ingredients of an ANGEL feast. Angels in bikinis in paradise, plus...Sonny Bono! And Antonio "Huggy Bear" Fargas (STARSKY AND HUTCH)! Warhol muse Patty D'Arbanville (NEW YORK UNDERCOVER)! And Gary Lockwood (2001, STAR TREK "Where No Man has Gone Before")! Sadly however, the writing and directing? Hackneyed. Ah well. Also, the series debut of local police liaison Lt. Torres - the irrepressible, adorable Soon-Tek Oh (M*A*S*H's greatest serial guest star)!
4) Island Angels ****
Fears of a lame duck final season, begone! The Angels help the police I.D. and apprehend a terrorist assassin, whom they must suss out from amidst a package tour of...resort singles! Yes, absolutely yes. The writing is sharp enough that, even with the unfair advantage of knowing that the killer must be among the recognizable guest stars, most audience members will be chasing red herrings. And oh, what herrings! How about Lyle Waggoner (THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW, WONDER WOMAN) frolicking in the surf one day, then found floating tits up in it the next? Or Randolph Mantooth (EMERGENCY!) as a reclusive doctor? Toss in Barbi Benton (DEATHSTALKER) as the resort entertainment director, and Keye Luke, whose KUNG FU experience doesn't help him escape a hand-to-hand beatdown from Kel! Plus Carol Lynley (THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, eleven FANTASY ISLANDs), cracking an all-boys club with charm and grace. The ride goes on and on. If you're not careful, your laughter will too.
5) Waikiki Angels **
Angels and Oscar Goldman versus Grizzly Adams! Sadly, the reality falls far short. It's undercover lifeguard time, to stop a series of dune buggy attacks/kidnappings, including the obligatory senator's daughter. Either the writer was a full-blown alcoholic passing out of the "functional" stage, or his child finished the writing while Daddy was passed out. Dan Haggerty and Richard Anderson are wasted on a script that has Hell's Angels types dressing and acting more like Brady kids. Patrick (son of John) Wayne is here too. The only thing worth notice is the lifeguard trial. Who'd have thought that Kel would kick Kris and Julie's asses?
6) Hula Angels **
Kris and Julie go undercover in a hula nightclub, after the owner is kidnapped. If an hawaiian lounge singer repeatedly performing "The Beat Goes On" appeals to you, you've found your happy place. Joanna Cassidy (BLADE RUNNER) plays the heavy.
7) Moonshinin' Angels **
Undercover Angels with hillbilly accents? Check. Feudin' families with rival children secretly in love? Check. The greatest single non-verbal windup to a line of dialogue in television history, courtesy of actor Steve Hanks in his first scene? Check. However...are we happy we've left Hawaii? Sigh. We are not. Mid-season report on Tanya: they're giving her more to do than her predecessor...but we're not sure yet whether that's a good thing. In terms of eye candy, it's nice that she has a bit more muscle tone than any previous Angel. It's long overdue, considering that "detective" is an ostensibly physical profession. The Tammy Faye makeup doesn't help, however.
8) He Married an Angel ***
One of the more intricate ANGEL plots ever, as they attempt to convince a con man that Kris is a con woman, and the marriage they're arranging for him is fake (it's not...because his "mark" is actually in love with him, and the Angels decide that these crazy kids should be together for, y'know, life). The intended father-in-law has mob ties. David Hedison (VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, LIVE AND LET DIE) is his usual fine self.
9) Taxi Angels **
It looks good on paper, with Angels posing as driver, dispatcher, and roller-skating waitress, but it's one of the more listless moments in show history.
10) Angel on the Line *
A too-close inspection of agency security/investigative protocols might make one wonder how Charlie managed to stay in business...or how the Angels generally managed to not, y'know, die. Guest star Bruce Watson is given a plum dual role, but in the end the only message seems to be "transvestites are psychotic AND EVIL". The only merit in this one is historical curiosity, as the action centers around a singles club where every table has a phone that connects to any other table. Oh, those wacky 70s.
11) Chorus Line Angels ***
A little slice of fun, a Broadway revue posing as an ANGELS episode. As disappearances shroud a show preparing for a Vegas audition, Kelly joins the line. She's just as good as she needs to be, and the production numbers are charming enough to make you forget a few plot holes and uninspired moments. Why does the cast look like they're having more fun than any time since Hawaii? Perhaps it's the director...Mr. David Doyle, the only cast member to ever helm an episode. This one also qualifies as the third-most surreal episode ever (after that Bill Bixby LSD trip in season 1, and "Marathon Angels"). Why? Because they finish the big finale, then for no apparent reason...do it again! After a minute of questioning your sanity, you'll figure out that they probably came up a few minutes short in the editing room. Wild.
12) Stuntwomen Angels ***
The best ANGEL episodes were usually two things - silly and sexy. With those done right, any number of sins might be forgiven. In this one, a mysterious archer is shooting people at a movie studio. All three Angels become stuntwomen. It's a little out there, it's a little less than sharp, but it's all fun. Uber-"that guy" Denny Miller notches his third ANGEL appearance.
13) Attack Angels ***
It was a fine line the show walked, between silly and stupid. Often, the difference lay in the luck of chemistry. As Angels investigate high-level deaths in a rising corporation, Julie goes undercover for a company that's been feeding them efficiency experts...only to be hypnotized into becoming their newest assassin! The always deliciously-evil Eric Braeden (THE RAT PATROL, TITANIC) plays her tormentor, Dr. Joyce Brothers has a cameo, and sci fi luminary BarBara Luna plays a hypnosis victim. In Tanya's most shining ANGEL moment, framed within a plot that THE NAKED GUN would be happy to borrow from eight years later, the chemistry is good to her.
14) Angel on a Roll **
A Kris episode with loads of potential. She latches onto a bank thief heading to Vegas with a wrist calculator, but the chemistry never pops.
15) Mr. Galaxy **
Angels, meet beefcake! Beefcake, meet Angel toe! It's long past due that half-naked males get some screen time here. Angels investigate shady doings at a bodybuilding contest. Another episode written by some grade school contest winner - much of the slick detective work seems to consist of breaking and entering in busy buildings in broad daylight...but deny this fun we cannot. And yes, Tanya gives a country full of sex-starved males the most heart-stopping glimpses of girly bits ill-concealed by wardrobe since Farrah and her national treasure chest. One star lost for Kris' convincing an ex-boxer pacifist that he's a sissy.
16) Let Our Angel Live **
OUT WITH A...well, a whimper, pretty much. How many other iconic shows ended with an, um, clip show? And it's not even a good one, as they barely clip the early seasons. It's a bedside hospital episode, with Kelly again shot in the head. What, did she have a tattoo on her scalp that read "AIM HERE"? The only two moments of real juice are after Kel is shot, and Bosley goes a little medieval on the shooter. Then at the hospital, Kris basically cries out "Where the FUCK is Charlie? His five-year employee was just SHOT in the head!" The choice of shooting victim is unfortunate on other levels, too. Why couldn't Kris or Bos take a turn? And not to be callous, but if Julie had been shot, the final show conversation (and the clips attached thereto) would have been richer, being shared with the three veterans, and we would have been spared having to listen to Tanya, um, speak. Ah well, it is what it is. And what it was, was a hell of a run.
For this two-part debut of Angel Julie Rogers (Tanya Roberts - THE BEASTMASTER, A VIEW TO A KILL), the writing is solidly middling. But the episode is elevated by the genuinely creepy performance of coke-bottle eyeglassed Jack Albertson (CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, CHICO AND THE MAN). Plus Christopher Lee! It's also in the running for the most "that guy"-heavy ANGEL episode ever. Shelley Hack's departure is given about one line (they might as well have just said "Yeahhhh...she's gotta go see a guy, about a...thing"). Tanya's backstory has juice - a fashion model raised on the mean streets. Whether we're ready to buy it, is another story. But anyway, the times they are a-changin'...at least a bit. Remember that "once upon a time there were three little girls" intro? The puke-inducingly patronizing one? In this final season, it's gone! Kind of. It's now "three beautiful girls". I'm sure the producers felt very progressive. Now if they had just stopped calling women "girls"...
2) To See an Angel Die **
The crew visit the newly-opened hawaiian branch of the Townsend Agency. Within minutes of arrival, Kris is kidnapped by a family who blame them for killing their runaway mother who committed suicide three years earlier after Kris arrested her for prostitution, then a psychic (Jane Wyman - THE LOST WEEKEND, FALCON CREST) appears and mysteriously leads them to Kris. Whew! Underneath a groaning premise, there's actually some hard-hitting stuff about family dysfunction and the abusive mind.
3) Angels of the Deep **
All the ingredients of an ANGEL feast. Angels in bikinis in paradise, plus...Sonny Bono! And Antonio "Huggy Bear" Fargas (STARSKY AND HUTCH)! Warhol muse Patty D'Arbanville (NEW YORK UNDERCOVER)! And Gary Lockwood (2001, STAR TREK "Where No Man has Gone Before")! Sadly however, the writing and directing? Hackneyed. Ah well. Also, the series debut of local police liaison Lt. Torres - the irrepressible, adorable Soon-Tek Oh (M*A*S*H's greatest serial guest star)!
4) Island Angels ****
Fears of a lame duck final season, begone! The Angels help the police I.D. and apprehend a terrorist assassin, whom they must suss out from amidst a package tour of...resort singles! Yes, absolutely yes. The writing is sharp enough that, even with the unfair advantage of knowing that the killer must be among the recognizable guest stars, most audience members will be chasing red herrings. And oh, what herrings! How about Lyle Waggoner (THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW, WONDER WOMAN) frolicking in the surf one day, then found floating tits up in it the next? Or Randolph Mantooth (EMERGENCY!) as a reclusive doctor? Toss in Barbi Benton (DEATHSTALKER) as the resort entertainment director, and Keye Luke, whose KUNG FU experience doesn't help him escape a hand-to-hand beatdown from Kel! Plus Carol Lynley (THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, eleven FANTASY ISLANDs), cracking an all-boys club with charm and grace. The ride goes on and on. If you're not careful, your laughter will too.
5) Waikiki Angels **
Angels and Oscar Goldman versus Grizzly Adams! Sadly, the reality falls far short. It's undercover lifeguard time, to stop a series of dune buggy attacks/kidnappings, including the obligatory senator's daughter. Either the writer was a full-blown alcoholic passing out of the "functional" stage, or his child finished the writing while Daddy was passed out. Dan Haggerty and Richard Anderson are wasted on a script that has Hell's Angels types dressing and acting more like Brady kids. Patrick (son of John) Wayne is here too. The only thing worth notice is the lifeguard trial. Who'd have thought that Kel would kick Kris and Julie's asses?
6) Hula Angels **
Kris and Julie go undercover in a hula nightclub, after the owner is kidnapped. If an hawaiian lounge singer repeatedly performing "The Beat Goes On" appeals to you, you've found your happy place. Joanna Cassidy (BLADE RUNNER) plays the heavy.
7) Moonshinin' Angels **
Undercover Angels with hillbilly accents? Check. Feudin' families with rival children secretly in love? Check. The greatest single non-verbal windup to a line of dialogue in television history, courtesy of actor Steve Hanks in his first scene? Check. However...are we happy we've left Hawaii? Sigh. We are not. Mid-season report on Tanya: they're giving her more to do than her predecessor...but we're not sure yet whether that's a good thing. In terms of eye candy, it's nice that she has a bit more muscle tone than any previous Angel. It's long overdue, considering that "detective" is an ostensibly physical profession. The Tammy Faye makeup doesn't help, however.
8) He Married an Angel ***
One of the more intricate ANGEL plots ever, as they attempt to convince a con man that Kris is a con woman, and the marriage they're arranging for him is fake (it's not...because his "mark" is actually in love with him, and the Angels decide that these crazy kids should be together for, y'know, life). The intended father-in-law has mob ties. David Hedison (VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, LIVE AND LET DIE) is his usual fine self.
9) Taxi Angels **
It looks good on paper, with Angels posing as driver, dispatcher, and roller-skating waitress, but it's one of the more listless moments in show history.
10) Angel on the Line *
A too-close inspection of agency security/investigative protocols might make one wonder how Charlie managed to stay in business...or how the Angels generally managed to not, y'know, die. Guest star Bruce Watson is given a plum dual role, but in the end the only message seems to be "transvestites are psychotic AND EVIL". The only merit in this one is historical curiosity, as the action centers around a singles club where every table has a phone that connects to any other table. Oh, those wacky 70s.
11) Chorus Line Angels ***
A little slice of fun, a Broadway revue posing as an ANGELS episode. As disappearances shroud a show preparing for a Vegas audition, Kelly joins the line. She's just as good as she needs to be, and the production numbers are charming enough to make you forget a few plot holes and uninspired moments. Why does the cast look like they're having more fun than any time since Hawaii? Perhaps it's the director...Mr. David Doyle, the only cast member to ever helm an episode. This one also qualifies as the third-most surreal episode ever (after that Bill Bixby LSD trip in season 1, and "Marathon Angels"). Why? Because they finish the big finale, then for no apparent reason...do it again! After a minute of questioning your sanity, you'll figure out that they probably came up a few minutes short in the editing room. Wild.
12) Stuntwomen Angels ***
The best ANGEL episodes were usually two things - silly and sexy. With those done right, any number of sins might be forgiven. In this one, a mysterious archer is shooting people at a movie studio. All three Angels become stuntwomen. It's a little out there, it's a little less than sharp, but it's all fun. Uber-"that guy" Denny Miller notches his third ANGEL appearance.
13) Attack Angels ***
It was a fine line the show walked, between silly and stupid. Often, the difference lay in the luck of chemistry. As Angels investigate high-level deaths in a rising corporation, Julie goes undercover for a company that's been feeding them efficiency experts...only to be hypnotized into becoming their newest assassin! The always deliciously-evil Eric Braeden (THE RAT PATROL, TITANIC) plays her tormentor, Dr. Joyce Brothers has a cameo, and sci fi luminary BarBara Luna plays a hypnosis victim. In Tanya's most shining ANGEL moment, framed within a plot that THE NAKED GUN would be happy to borrow from eight years later, the chemistry is good to her.
14) Angel on a Roll **
A Kris episode with loads of potential. She latches onto a bank thief heading to Vegas with a wrist calculator, but the chemistry never pops.
15) Mr. Galaxy **
Angels, meet beefcake! Beefcake, meet Angel toe! It's long past due that half-naked males get some screen time here. Angels investigate shady doings at a bodybuilding contest. Another episode written by some grade school contest winner - much of the slick detective work seems to consist of breaking and entering in busy buildings in broad daylight...but deny this fun we cannot. And yes, Tanya gives a country full of sex-starved males the most heart-stopping glimpses of girly bits ill-concealed by wardrobe since Farrah and her national treasure chest. One star lost for Kris' convincing an ex-boxer pacifist that he's a sissy.
16) Let Our Angel Live **
OUT WITH A...well, a whimper, pretty much. How many other iconic shows ended with an, um, clip show? And it's not even a good one, as they barely clip the early seasons. It's a bedside hospital episode, with Kelly again shot in the head. What, did she have a tattoo on her scalp that read "AIM HERE"? The only two moments of real juice are after Kel is shot, and Bosley goes a little medieval on the shooter. Then at the hospital, Kris basically cries out "Where the FUCK is Charlie? His five-year employee was just SHOT in the head!" The choice of shooting victim is unfortunate on other levels, too. Why couldn't Kris or Bos take a turn? And not to be callous, but if Julie had been shot, the final show conversation (and the clips attached thereto) would have been richer, being shared with the three veterans, and we would have been spared having to listen to Tanya, um, speak. Ah well, it is what it is. And what it was, was a hell of a run.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Charlie's Angels, season 4
1) Love Boat Angels ****
It's possible that no series in TV history bounced back from the loss of beloved original characters as successfully as CHARLIE'S ANGELS...in the little picture, at least. Cheryl and Shelley Hack paled next to Farrah and Kate, but the premiere episodes of seasons 2 and 4 were barn-burners. In this case, that's admittedly with a stacked deck, with a two-parter on...the Love Boat! Plus Bert Convy as a Robin Hood bad guy, Dick Sargent as an antsy insurance investigator, and Judy Landers as a red herring replacement for Kate. Anyone care to guess how many LOVE BOAT appearances Bert and Judy had between them, not including this one? A candy cheroot to anyone who guessed FIFTEEN!! Yup (Mr. Sargent, lacking ambition, had only one). Anyway, Sabrina had a busy summer, marrying and getting pregnant (possibly with some guy named "Scarecrow"). Kate, we loved you. The LOVE BOAT crew is only around for the first fifteen minutes...but it's enough for howls aplenty. New Angel Tiffany Welles is kept in the background, but she's fine, particularly in an insecure scene with Bosley. Cheryl gets the lion's share, and responds with her fantasticalest performance ever. She becomes involved with Bert, who rises miles above game show host. He's a Vietnam vet who has taken to crime to finance the rescue of refugees. The mystery of chemistry can be easy or impossible to track, but Bert and Cheryl pop, with a huge "P". I don't know whether she was just at a lovely point in her life, or whether she and Bert were close, or perhaps the absence of Kate freed her energy...but she's simply luminous. This being the Love Boat, the feminine form is abundant, especially within Cheryl's white bikini. And three seasons after Farrah, nipples finally return, in an unforgettable underwater sequence.
2) Angels Go Truckin' ***
Kris and Tiffany go to trucking school, to go undercover in an all-female trucking company. Kris' twangy CB voice is too adorable. Shelley generally comes off as a icy fashion model, but she has an occasional smile that feels like a friendly child.
3) Avenging Angel ***
A heroin addict/dealer Kelly helped put away gets out of jail, determined to get revenge. He drugs her coffee at her favorite cafe, then follows her home and injects her with heroin. The dealer's source (Steve Kanaly, DALLAS) shadows him, determined to retrieve two missing kilos. The dealer and Kelly are abducted. This is as ugly as ANGELS gets, with Kelly strung out for much of the episode. But she doesn't fall apart, not our Kel.
4) Angels at the Altar ***
Deadly things have been happening to the fiance of an old high school friend of Kelly's (Kim Cattrall, STAR TREK 6, PORKY'S, SEX AND THE CITY). It's not often that a freelance TV writer's imprint outweighs the show and stars, but Larry Alexander's ham-handed, Cinderella fingerprints are everywhere. Will the Angels uncover the baddie before "I now pronounce you..."? Of course, but it's too much fun not to enjoy it.
5) Fallen Angel ****
Pinch me. Farrah's back, going toe to toe with James Bond. A howlingly rich time as the Angels take on Timothy Dalton (the most unappreciated 007), a jet-setting jewel thief described as "James Bondian", eight years before he played the part. Farrah is under cover so deep that the Angels don't know about it, and is forced to coldly denounce both Kris and Kelly. I was even fooled. Watch all three Angels try (and fail) to use their feminine allure on Dalton. The climactic rooftop fight between Farrah and Bond is too, too classic.
6) Caged Angel ***
A top-ten entry for the six remaining members of the ICLFC (International Cheryl Ladd Fan Club). Kris volunteers to go undercover in prison, to root out a crime ring. Sending the smallest Angel into the big house is a bizarre choice, but Cheryl is great. Tiffany volunteers first, but perhaps the writers were making fun of the fact that Shelley was firmly locked into supporting-character land. The local muscle, Big Aggie, wants to make Kris her "bitch". But Daddy, how could two women have sex?? Kris befriends another prison tough.
7) Angels on the Street ***
The shy music teacher daughter (who looks more like Naomi Watts than Naomi) of a man who runs a small conservatory is brutally and mysteriously assaulted. All the leads lead to local prostitutes, and one in particular who seems to hate the daughter, so Kelly and Tiffany "hit the streets". They only work together, for $1000 a pop...let your minds wander. Things get dicey, as the local pimp (uber-TV bad guy Richard Lynch, one of only two actors to ever pull off the TREK/GALACTICA/BUCK trifecta) sets them up to be killed.
8) The Prince and the Angel ***
Farrah returns for a perfectly sweet episode. She's just hanging out with Kelly shopping, which is nice. A dashing stranger picks her up (or confiscates her, as Kel says)...but the stranger is being stalked by an assassin, and we're off! Thankfully, it's the most inept assassin in telly history, as he tries to take the prince down (yes, he's a crown prince) from thirty feet away, then from ninety feet on a yacht, then from forty feet on a passing horse with...a handgun! Yes, campers, another mastermind who's not heard of a rifle. The interplay between Farrah and the prince is ultimately charming, and she finally looks as lovely as ever, no longer in guest star bad hair hell.
9) Angels on Skates ****
I tried to give this three stars, i really did. But my ceaseless chuckles after it was over wouldn't let me. The plot (Angels investigate kidnapping of a penniless Venice Beach skater who turns out to be an heiress) is one of their more painfully contrived offerings. At the end, after the girl has been freed, looking every bit as traumatized as she should after three days bound in a cellar with a violent goon, Kris tells her to go out and win that local championship she'd been preparing for...and if that's not enough, your partner (Ed Begley Jr.) was part of the kidnapping scheme! Go skate your ass off, honey! Ed, never mind those felony charges, you've got a contest to win! The hokeyness is unending, and with guest star richness, prepare yourself for howl after howl. Begley is honest-to-zeus friggin' fantastic on wheels! Joining him is bad guy Rene Auberjonois (M*A*S*H, BENSON, DEEP SPACE NINE) as sleazy promoter Freddie Fortune. If that's not enough, there's also a perspicacious plenitude of pulchritude, and over-the-top 70s roller skating.
10) Angels on Campus ***
So bad it's, well, good. Angels investigate kidnappings of college sorority girls. Shelley gets big screen time, as the ex-sorority president who returns as a "big sister" (sadly, she doesn't quite shine). Jo Ann Pflug (lt. Dish, M*A*S*H) doesn't shine either. Kris becomes a student, to lure lothario professor Gary Collins, who does shine. The plot meanders and lurches. YES, there's a sorority called the Pis (eat that, NERDS)...but despite the opportunities, nothing ever moves on the sexy-meter. The episode is redeemed only by its depiction of campus life a decade before "harrassment" became something we talked about.
11) Angel Hunt ***
For a while, this one is so good it feels like they gave it the time and money of a feature film. The Angels are lured to deserted Diablo Island, to be hunted by an old nemesis of Charlie's. The visuals are beautiful, the dialogue delightful, and the pulchritude eye-popping. We also see more of Charlie than ever, as an actor gives full body life to his voice (dorsal view, of course). Uber-"that guy" baddie Lloyd Bochner (DYNASTY, GALACTICA, NAKED GUN 2 1/2) plays his part with aplomb. It falls into hackneyed cheese at the end.
12) Cruising Angels ***
Charlie's new yacht is stolen, then returned. The Angels discover gold bullion onboard. Bosley romances the yacht's decorator, who's part of the smuggling ring. Nothing wrong with this'n, and nothing great.
13) Of Ghosts and Angels *
Look. Someone shit on the rug. Shelley gets her first (and last) crack at central character. She obviously didn't make any friends on the writing staff.
14) Angel's Child ***
Kelly intervenes when she discovers a cop's abused kid. An enormous issue they damn near did justice to. They should have ditched the action B plot.
15) One of Our Angels is Missing ***
Kris is sent to Arizona as the bait to lure a white-collar bail-jumper back to California. When the Angels realize he's also a rapist-murderer, Kris disobeys orders to abort. This edgy episode earns a spot on the "Cheryl's Greatest" list. Starring as a sleazy murder victim is Marc Alaimo (Gul Dukat, DS9).
16) Catch a Falling Angel ***
A sweet country girl, who can't read, moves to the big city to be a star. Her fiance shows up, and is bumped off by the girl's porn producer. A touching guest performance by Elissa Leeds. Plot holes and a dearth of sexiness keep it from greatness.
17) Home $weet Homes ***
Fun fun fun, including one scene they didn't try often enough...all the Angels (and Bosley) are under three different covers, simultaneously working the suspect from different angles, with bad accents to boot. Priceless. And another appearance by a large, curly black dog at Jaclyn's side...this time "Albert" even gets a credit. Classic "that guy" Dick Gautier plays a crooked real estate agent, setting up clients to be swindled.
18) Dancin' Angels *
The Angels investigate crimes and curiosities at a ballroom, where a retro dance marathon is in sway. There's much potential, but it feels like they could never find the "focus" button...or like they gave the writing and directing chores to strangers. Cesar Romero is wasted.
19) Harrigan's Angels ***
The Angels are forced to team up with an alcoholic, washed-up investigator named Harrigan. Kris keeps him out of everyone's hair and dries him out, because he reminds her of her father. She discovers he was a high-level operative during the war. Their scenes become very touching; another entry on the Top-10 Cheryl list. You'll be amused by a very obviously-placed billboard advertising a certain 1979 Steve Martin movie. Robert Englund (V, NIGHTMARISH ELMS) plays a baddie.
20) An Angel's Trail ****
Am i unjustly awarding a flawed product, bamboozled by sentimentality? Maybe, maybe not. But as the final scene came to a close, tears rolled. Farrah's final appearance is a tight, realistic ride. She gets kidnapped after witnessing a robbery/homicide. The fugitives are an escaped con father, and his two sons, one of them retarded. They confound the law by heading north for Canada, not south. For no credible reason, the other Angels go north. Lots of family drama comes up, as the father was in jail for killing Mom, and the retarded son becomes protective of Jill. There's a brilliant scene where she hangs over a rattler pit. The other son (Tracey Walter - BATMAN, CONAN THE DESTROYER) is suitably despicable and weak. John Dennis Johnston gives a great performance as the retarded son. Wrapped in huge shades of Lenny (George, not Squiggy), he's not flawless, but close enough. The final scene tears come as he tastes a cake baked by Jill, at his new caretaker's home. Bosley's there too, and no fan could ask for more...she's not on a pedestal, she just shines in a moment they all create.
21) Nips and Tucks ***
Angels go undercover at a plastic surgery spa. A complicated plot involves a doctor (Louis Jordan - GIGI, OCTOPUSSY, SWAMP THING) being manipulated by his evil ex-patient lover, for whom he has left his wife, maneuvering him to operate on a druglord (Tab Hunter) who wants to return to the country.
22) Three for the Money **
Not a particularly bad episode, and unique in ANGEL history for how many in-depth plotlines are juggled. It's almost exhausting to watch - midway through, you feel like you're in the middle of a feature film. Sadly, the overall effect never pops.
23) Toni's Boys *
Where do i start? This episode is the answer to an insidious trivia question - what was the only ANGELS episode designed to launch a spinoff? No, not the adventures of Bosley as a sex worker/standup comic in Hawaii. The spinoff was to feature exactly none of the show's established actors, and the network decided to not greenlight it (for once in your life, you'll praise a studio's good sense). Come watch a show that can't decide whether it's "so bad it's good", or just bad. An old friend of Charlie's (Barbara Stanwyck) starts an agency staffed by three comely male detectives. Yes, gay male community, you may weep at yet another landmark show the cruel fates denied you. One of the boys is an ex-Olympian who uses a fold-up, briefcase-sized pole to vault over fences (um, isn't that usually a bad idea when there's no LANDING CUSHION on the other side?). Another one is a cowboy who runs down a plane, and ropes it. Guest baddie Robert Loggia, normally a force of nature, is as listless and uninspired as the turd canoe he's paddling. In summation, i can only say...my idea for a Bosley spinoff is freakin' genius.
24&25) One Love...Two Angels ****
Are you ready to have your stables incinerated? The ANGEL episode you thought you'd never see, one that leaves Hollywood monogamy still standing, but with a distinct black eye. It percolates for a while at three stars, as Kelly heads off to San Diego with a lawyer (Patrick Duffy!) who believes she's a long-lost heiress. As they research together, they fall in love, tenderly and believeably. She's reunited with Daddy (the excellent Ray Milland), a hotel baron who shows Kel a picture of his familiar-looking dead wife. But! Ray has a scheming nephew played by...Robert Reed! (i think after BRADY, producers took perverse pleasure in casting him as a bad guy) Robert poisons Ray, and Kelly inherits all. Still suspicious, she sends Patrick to L.A. to re-check his findings, with Kris. They become close, then get caught in a rainstorm scene that will have you pinching yourself, as the sexual tension is palpable. Very soon, we have a love declaration between Kris and Patrick. Pardon my bluntness, but within the span of one week, his seed is in both of their vaginal canals, with mutual declarations of true love. Patrick Duffy, you are the ruler of the known universe. You are what Scott Baio wants to be when he grows up, Mr. Patrick Duffy. In the Kris consummation scene, he comes close several times to stopping it, which you're CERTAIN he will do - but he follows each pause with a further silent plunge. Some of the events afterward fall into rushed implausibility, but getting the network's greenlight for a three-parter was never gonna happen, so...they all go back to San Diego, and the proverbial hell breaks loose. As Patrick tries to explain to one, and then the other, you BELIEVE him...how he waited his whole life to feel something this strong for just one woman, and now he feels it for two. The girls quickly fall into "wounded betrayal" mode, and push him to make a choice. Sigh...you poor twentieth-century-bound idiots, can't you see the MUCH better solution staring you in the face?? You wanna talk about sweeps week? Anyway, part 2 chickens out, as one of the three dies (hm, i wonder which...). The stunner though, is not that they chicken out, it's that they keep it at bay for as long as they do. Scene after scene goes by where i was literally clapping and hooting at the audaciousness. Kris and Kel both give their resignations to Bosley, and in her final episode it's Tiffany who keeps digging and rallys the troops. She gets two pallets of cinder block dumped on her, and in retrospect, wouldn't it have been more powerful if she hadn't squeaked out in time? And made the Kellly/Kris reconciliation more poignant? But as with all previous ex-Angels, it's clear that no one heard the swan song playing.
It's possible that no series in TV history bounced back from the loss of beloved original characters as successfully as CHARLIE'S ANGELS...in the little picture, at least. Cheryl and Shelley Hack paled next to Farrah and Kate, but the premiere episodes of seasons 2 and 4 were barn-burners. In this case, that's admittedly with a stacked deck, with a two-parter on...the Love Boat! Plus Bert Convy as a Robin Hood bad guy, Dick Sargent as an antsy insurance investigator, and Judy Landers as a red herring replacement for Kate. Anyone care to guess how many LOVE BOAT appearances Bert and Judy had between them, not including this one? A candy cheroot to anyone who guessed FIFTEEN!! Yup (Mr. Sargent, lacking ambition, had only one). Anyway, Sabrina had a busy summer, marrying and getting pregnant (possibly with some guy named "Scarecrow"). Kate, we loved you. The LOVE BOAT crew is only around for the first fifteen minutes...but it's enough for howls aplenty. New Angel Tiffany Welles is kept in the background, but she's fine, particularly in an insecure scene with Bosley. Cheryl gets the lion's share, and responds with her fantasticalest performance ever. She becomes involved with Bert, who rises miles above game show host. He's a Vietnam vet who has taken to crime to finance the rescue of refugees. The mystery of chemistry can be easy or impossible to track, but Bert and Cheryl pop, with a huge "P". I don't know whether she was just at a lovely point in her life, or whether she and Bert were close, or perhaps the absence of Kate freed her energy...but she's simply luminous. This being the Love Boat, the feminine form is abundant, especially within Cheryl's white bikini. And three seasons after Farrah, nipples finally return, in an unforgettable underwater sequence.
2) Angels Go Truckin' ***
Kris and Tiffany go to trucking school, to go undercover in an all-female trucking company. Kris' twangy CB voice is too adorable. Shelley generally comes off as a icy fashion model, but she has an occasional smile that feels like a friendly child.
3) Avenging Angel ***
A heroin addict/dealer Kelly helped put away gets out of jail, determined to get revenge. He drugs her coffee at her favorite cafe, then follows her home and injects her with heroin. The dealer's source (Steve Kanaly, DALLAS) shadows him, determined to retrieve two missing kilos. The dealer and Kelly are abducted. This is as ugly as ANGELS gets, with Kelly strung out for much of the episode. But she doesn't fall apart, not our Kel.
4) Angels at the Altar ***
Deadly things have been happening to the fiance of an old high school friend of Kelly's (Kim Cattrall, STAR TREK 6, PORKY'S, SEX AND THE CITY). It's not often that a freelance TV writer's imprint outweighs the show and stars, but Larry Alexander's ham-handed, Cinderella fingerprints are everywhere. Will the Angels uncover the baddie before "I now pronounce you..."? Of course, but it's too much fun not to enjoy it.
5) Fallen Angel ****
Pinch me. Farrah's back, going toe to toe with James Bond. A howlingly rich time as the Angels take on Timothy Dalton (the most unappreciated 007), a jet-setting jewel thief described as "James Bondian", eight years before he played the part. Farrah is under cover so deep that the Angels don't know about it, and is forced to coldly denounce both Kris and Kelly. I was even fooled. Watch all three Angels try (and fail) to use their feminine allure on Dalton. The climactic rooftop fight between Farrah and Bond is too, too classic.
6) Caged Angel ***
A top-ten entry for the six remaining members of the ICLFC (International Cheryl Ladd Fan Club). Kris volunteers to go undercover in prison, to root out a crime ring. Sending the smallest Angel into the big house is a bizarre choice, but Cheryl is great. Tiffany volunteers first, but perhaps the writers were making fun of the fact that Shelley was firmly locked into supporting-character land. The local muscle, Big Aggie, wants to make Kris her "bitch". But Daddy, how could two women have sex?? Kris befriends another prison tough.
7) Angels on the Street ***
The shy music teacher daughter (who looks more like Naomi Watts than Naomi) of a man who runs a small conservatory is brutally and mysteriously assaulted. All the leads lead to local prostitutes, and one in particular who seems to hate the daughter, so Kelly and Tiffany "hit the streets". They only work together, for $1000 a pop...let your minds wander. Things get dicey, as the local pimp (uber-TV bad guy Richard Lynch, one of only two actors to ever pull off the TREK/GALACTICA/BUCK trifecta) sets them up to be killed.
8) The Prince and the Angel ***
Farrah returns for a perfectly sweet episode. She's just hanging out with Kelly shopping, which is nice. A dashing stranger picks her up (or confiscates her, as Kel says)...but the stranger is being stalked by an assassin, and we're off! Thankfully, it's the most inept assassin in telly history, as he tries to take the prince down (yes, he's a crown prince) from thirty feet away, then from ninety feet on a yacht, then from forty feet on a passing horse with...a handgun! Yes, campers, another mastermind who's not heard of a rifle. The interplay between Farrah and the prince is ultimately charming, and she finally looks as lovely as ever, no longer in guest star bad hair hell.
9) Angels on Skates ****
I tried to give this three stars, i really did. But my ceaseless chuckles after it was over wouldn't let me. The plot (Angels investigate kidnapping of a penniless Venice Beach skater who turns out to be an heiress) is one of their more painfully contrived offerings. At the end, after the girl has been freed, looking every bit as traumatized as she should after three days bound in a cellar with a violent goon, Kris tells her to go out and win that local championship she'd been preparing for...and if that's not enough, your partner (Ed Begley Jr.) was part of the kidnapping scheme! Go skate your ass off, honey! Ed, never mind those felony charges, you've got a contest to win! The hokeyness is unending, and with guest star richness, prepare yourself for howl after howl. Begley is honest-to-zeus friggin' fantastic on wheels! Joining him is bad guy Rene Auberjonois (M*A*S*H, BENSON, DEEP SPACE NINE) as sleazy promoter Freddie Fortune. If that's not enough, there's also a perspicacious plenitude of pulchritude, and over-the-top 70s roller skating.
10) Angels on Campus ***
So bad it's, well, good. Angels investigate kidnappings of college sorority girls. Shelley gets big screen time, as the ex-sorority president who returns as a "big sister" (sadly, she doesn't quite shine). Jo Ann Pflug (lt. Dish, M*A*S*H) doesn't shine either. Kris becomes a student, to lure lothario professor Gary Collins, who does shine. The plot meanders and lurches. YES, there's a sorority called the Pis (eat that, NERDS)...but despite the opportunities, nothing ever moves on the sexy-meter. The episode is redeemed only by its depiction of campus life a decade before "harrassment" became something we talked about.
11) Angel Hunt ***
For a while, this one is so good it feels like they gave it the time and money of a feature film. The Angels are lured to deserted Diablo Island, to be hunted by an old nemesis of Charlie's. The visuals are beautiful, the dialogue delightful, and the pulchritude eye-popping. We also see more of Charlie than ever, as an actor gives full body life to his voice (dorsal view, of course). Uber-"that guy" baddie Lloyd Bochner (DYNASTY, GALACTICA, NAKED GUN 2 1/2) plays his part with aplomb. It falls into hackneyed cheese at the end.
12) Cruising Angels ***
Charlie's new yacht is stolen, then returned. The Angels discover gold bullion onboard. Bosley romances the yacht's decorator, who's part of the smuggling ring. Nothing wrong with this'n, and nothing great.
13) Of Ghosts and Angels *
Look. Someone shit on the rug. Shelley gets her first (and last) crack at central character. She obviously didn't make any friends on the writing staff.
14) Angel's Child ***
Kelly intervenes when she discovers a cop's abused kid. An enormous issue they damn near did justice to. They should have ditched the action B plot.
15) One of Our Angels is Missing ***
Kris is sent to Arizona as the bait to lure a white-collar bail-jumper back to California. When the Angels realize he's also a rapist-murderer, Kris disobeys orders to abort. This edgy episode earns a spot on the "Cheryl's Greatest" list. Starring as a sleazy murder victim is Marc Alaimo (Gul Dukat, DS9).
16) Catch a Falling Angel ***
A sweet country girl, who can't read, moves to the big city to be a star. Her fiance shows up, and is bumped off by the girl's porn producer. A touching guest performance by Elissa Leeds. Plot holes and a dearth of sexiness keep it from greatness.
17) Home $weet Homes ***
Fun fun fun, including one scene they didn't try often enough...all the Angels (and Bosley) are under three different covers, simultaneously working the suspect from different angles, with bad accents to boot. Priceless. And another appearance by a large, curly black dog at Jaclyn's side...this time "Albert" even gets a credit. Classic "that guy" Dick Gautier plays a crooked real estate agent, setting up clients to be swindled.
18) Dancin' Angels *
The Angels investigate crimes and curiosities at a ballroom, where a retro dance marathon is in sway. There's much potential, but it feels like they could never find the "focus" button...or like they gave the writing and directing chores to strangers. Cesar Romero is wasted.
19) Harrigan's Angels ***
The Angels are forced to team up with an alcoholic, washed-up investigator named Harrigan. Kris keeps him out of everyone's hair and dries him out, because he reminds her of her father. She discovers he was a high-level operative during the war. Their scenes become very touching; another entry on the Top-10 Cheryl list. You'll be amused by a very obviously-placed billboard advertising a certain 1979 Steve Martin movie. Robert Englund (V, NIGHTMARISH ELMS) plays a baddie.
20) An Angel's Trail ****
Am i unjustly awarding a flawed product, bamboozled by sentimentality? Maybe, maybe not. But as the final scene came to a close, tears rolled. Farrah's final appearance is a tight, realistic ride. She gets kidnapped after witnessing a robbery/homicide. The fugitives are an escaped con father, and his two sons, one of them retarded. They confound the law by heading north for Canada, not south. For no credible reason, the other Angels go north. Lots of family drama comes up, as the father was in jail for killing Mom, and the retarded son becomes protective of Jill. There's a brilliant scene where she hangs over a rattler pit. The other son (Tracey Walter - BATMAN, CONAN THE DESTROYER) is suitably despicable and weak. John Dennis Johnston gives a great performance as the retarded son. Wrapped in huge shades of Lenny (George, not Squiggy), he's not flawless, but close enough. The final scene tears come as he tastes a cake baked by Jill, at his new caretaker's home. Bosley's there too, and no fan could ask for more...she's not on a pedestal, she just shines in a moment they all create.
21) Nips and Tucks ***
Angels go undercover at a plastic surgery spa. A complicated plot involves a doctor (Louis Jordan - GIGI, OCTOPUSSY, SWAMP THING) being manipulated by his evil ex-patient lover, for whom he has left his wife, maneuvering him to operate on a druglord (Tab Hunter) who wants to return to the country.
22) Three for the Money **
Not a particularly bad episode, and unique in ANGEL history for how many in-depth plotlines are juggled. It's almost exhausting to watch - midway through, you feel like you're in the middle of a feature film. Sadly, the overall effect never pops.
23) Toni's Boys *
Where do i start? This episode is the answer to an insidious trivia question - what was the only ANGELS episode designed to launch a spinoff? No, not the adventures of Bosley as a sex worker/standup comic in Hawaii. The spinoff was to feature exactly none of the show's established actors, and the network decided to not greenlight it (for once in your life, you'll praise a studio's good sense). Come watch a show that can't decide whether it's "so bad it's good", or just bad. An old friend of Charlie's (Barbara Stanwyck) starts an agency staffed by three comely male detectives. Yes, gay male community, you may weep at yet another landmark show the cruel fates denied you. One of the boys is an ex-Olympian who uses a fold-up, briefcase-sized pole to vault over fences (um, isn't that usually a bad idea when there's no LANDING CUSHION on the other side?). Another one is a cowboy who runs down a plane, and ropes it. Guest baddie Robert Loggia, normally a force of nature, is as listless and uninspired as the turd canoe he's paddling. In summation, i can only say...my idea for a Bosley spinoff is freakin' genius.
24&25) One Love...Two Angels ****
Are you ready to have your stables incinerated? The ANGEL episode you thought you'd never see, one that leaves Hollywood monogamy still standing, but with a distinct black eye. It percolates for a while at three stars, as Kelly heads off to San Diego with a lawyer (Patrick Duffy!) who believes she's a long-lost heiress. As they research together, they fall in love, tenderly and believeably. She's reunited with Daddy (the excellent Ray Milland), a hotel baron who shows Kel a picture of his familiar-looking dead wife. But! Ray has a scheming nephew played by...Robert Reed! (i think after BRADY, producers took perverse pleasure in casting him as a bad guy) Robert poisons Ray, and Kelly inherits all. Still suspicious, she sends Patrick to L.A. to re-check his findings, with Kris. They become close, then get caught in a rainstorm scene that will have you pinching yourself, as the sexual tension is palpable. Very soon, we have a love declaration between Kris and Patrick. Pardon my bluntness, but within the span of one week, his seed is in both of their vaginal canals, with mutual declarations of true love. Patrick Duffy, you are the ruler of the known universe. You are what Scott Baio wants to be when he grows up, Mr. Patrick Duffy. In the Kris consummation scene, he comes close several times to stopping it, which you're CERTAIN he will do - but he follows each pause with a further silent plunge. Some of the events afterward fall into rushed implausibility, but getting the network's greenlight for a three-parter was never gonna happen, so...they all go back to San Diego, and the proverbial hell breaks loose. As Patrick tries to explain to one, and then the other, you BELIEVE him...how he waited his whole life to feel something this strong for just one woman, and now he feels it for two. The girls quickly fall into "wounded betrayal" mode, and push him to make a choice. Sigh...you poor twentieth-century-bound idiots, can't you see the MUCH better solution staring you in the face?? You wanna talk about sweeps week? Anyway, part 2 chickens out, as one of the three dies (hm, i wonder which...). The stunner though, is not that they chicken out, it's that they keep it at bay for as long as they do. Scene after scene goes by where i was literally clapping and hooting at the audaciousness. Kris and Kel both give their resignations to Bosley, and in her final episode it's Tiffany who keeps digging and rallys the troops. She gets two pallets of cinder block dumped on her, and in retrospect, wouldn't it have been more powerful if she hadn't squeaked out in time? And made the Kellly/Kris reconciliation more poignant? But as with all previous ex-Angels, it's clear that no one heard the swan song playing.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Charlie's Angels, season 2
1) Angels in Paradise ****
I'll be damned. What do you do in a one-horse town when the horse leaves? You make a four-star episode, if you're series creators Ivan Goff and Ben Roberts. Farrah has left the building, and in truth i expected only a desultory punching of the clock. But Ivan and Ben, here are the accolades few ever gave you. You gave us unexpected moments of goofiness or darkness, and didn't let the loss of an icon rain on your parade. Jill's joined the European racing circuit...never mind that Sabrina was the driver in the group. Kelly and Sabrina are exasperated that Charlie wants to bring in a replacement. Bosley chuckles, until the mystery girl arrives - Jill's little sis Kris, who spent Jill's college money on the police academy! They have exactly eighty seconds of happy welcome, then the phone rings - Charlie's been kidnapped in Hawaii! Off they go, into a two-parter loaded with wonderfulness. Norman Fell (Mr. Roper) plays a naked social agitant. Don Ho drops in. Art Metrano (POLICE ACADEMY) is a great baddie. Tommy Fujiwara is bloody fantastic as the criminal with a heart of gold. The action is goooofy, as Sabrina shoots firecracker-laden arrows to simulate machine gun fire. And sexy? Your eyes just might fall out, as Kelly and Kris hijack a yacht in a little number we call "dueling wet bikinis". And the capper, one of the most iconic ANGEL moments, when they break into Charlie's cabin to finally come face to face...and he's out the window, swimming to shore.
2) Angels on Ice ****
Stop it. This one's even more deliriously four-starry than the season premiere. The Angels go undercover in the Ice Capades! Show owner Phil Silvers (yay!) brings them in to solve the disappearance of his stars. There are canyon-sized plot holes...the bad guy plan (Arab dissidents infiltrate ice show to shoot a sheik in the front row, necessitating seven kidnappings and untold man-hours...i mean, i'm no mastermind, but...you guys ever hear of a sniper rifle?), and the Angel reaction (when they have enough evidence to lock up the bad guys for kidnapping and conspiracy, they "let the show go on", which will get them that murder charge, but is that preferable to, i don't know, STOPPING the murder??). But i quibble. Phil treats the Angels with caustic disdain. The uncredited kidnapped ice queen is so beautiful my eyes hurt. Sabrina has a wacko fight with a man in a gorilla mask, then commandeers a car, runs a light, and plows a cop car. Borderline-retarded towel boy James Gammon (the coach, MAJOR LEAGUE) is somehow ridiculous and poignant. In ice clown makeup, Kris is so innocently beautiful it will tear your heart. Kelly infiltrates an Arabian club, and her belly dancing is jaw-dropping. She may have hit the gym in the off-season, as i don't remember upper body muscle tone before. Guest star Edward Andrews (Grandpa "Au-to-mo-bile" Howard, SIXTEEN CANDLES) plays a carefree wino who witnesses everything. In the final scene, the Angels take him out to get him rip-tootin' sauced! Still not sold? How about Jim Backus as the grumpy, wizened ice show prop master? Sublime.
3) Pretty Angels All in a Row ***
Contestants in a second-rate beauty pageant are terrorized. Two Angels become contestants. Hm, what was the chance Sabrina's number wouldn't come up? With these bumbling crooks (including Burton "How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart" Gilliam), it never feels like anyone's in danger, which is nice, as it lets us focus on making fun of pageants. Also featuring Bobbie Mitchell, who had to set some kind of record by playing nine different characters on M*A*S*H.
4) Angel in Flight ***
A sweet little unassuming episode. A college friend of Sabrina's is being terrorized. Off Kelly and Kris go as stewardess trainees! The highlight is a howlingly improbable emergency landing by Kelly, with zero flight training. After i stopped laughing myself silly however, and thought about the detailed way in which they filmed it, i'm pretty sure i myself could tighten that bad sucker inside the runway like a mother. Shit.
5) Circus of Terror ***
Nice. The Angels investigate accidents at a circus, hired by the owner's son whose gypsy father wouldn't approve of crime-fighting women. Kelly plays the spunky motorcycle daredevil "Go-Go". Kris gets knives thrown at her by Denny Miller (Tongo the Ape-man to most of you). Bosley is a carnie who gets hit on by Tinkle "Bosley John Bosley" Bell the midget. Sabrina falls for the son, played by James Darren (GIDGET, T.J. HOOKER, DS9). She gets some great material, both as a strong woman attracted to a man, and as a surprisingly-skilled mime.
6) Angel in Love ***
The Angels investigate a death at a nudist resort. Charlie puts Bosley on a diet. They could have played more with the nudity, but they dropped that ball (except for one scene where they compare notes in a hot tub...a meeting Bosley somehow misses). Sabrina falls in love, tragically. Kate gets touching, well-written scenes.
7) Unidentified Flying Angels ***
Dennis Cole (the future Mr. Smith) makes his second ANGEL appearance, in an episode marked by surprisingly good dialogue. Con men convince rich rubes that aliens are visiting. Jaclyn has an otherworldly scene in which she gets a rube to give up secrets by convincing him she's an alien. Set phasers on stunning.
8) Angels On the Air ****
Angels investigate the attempted murder of a radio reporter. This one sneaks up on you...i can't think of a single other four-star episode that has no sexiness, nor juicy guest star. This one's just, well, goofy. Kris pretends to be a motorcycle babe, with silly hick accent. There are quirky firecracker guest characters, including a helicopter pilot (Taylor Lacher) who oozes fun-loving machismo, and turns Sabrina upside down...if only she and her "Angel in Love" opposite had had this kind of chemistry. The cinematography is singular, especially the scene where the baddie exhaustedly hurls an empty trash can at a pursuing Kelly. In the final scene, Bosley says something glowing about Kelly running "like a man". Most of the feminism of ANGELS was understated, but for once they go all "in your face", as they trap Bosley within his condescending words, and proceed to feministly bitchslap him around the room. This may be the only time in my life i've used the term "bitchslap", but it somehow seems right.
9) Angel Baby ****
A youth (Scott Colomby, CADDYSHACK, PORKY'S 1-3) Kelly helped when she was a cop goes AWOL from the Air Force, distraught over the cessation of letters from his girlfriend. The Angels track her down, a prisoner of a white-baby-selling ring run by Edward Winter (Col. Flagg, M*A*S*H). Kelly goes undercover as a pregnant woman (no, no pillow). The writing is strangely good. Kris pretends to be in dire financial straits, and Edward offers her $20,000 to be impregnated by an Aryan. As a rule, ANGELS was sexy but never sexual. The hotel room scene where she faces her intended is atypically dark, though. For a moment as Kris begins to undress, you really believe that they're going to fuck. In the climax, she shoots a man and falls apart, saying she'd never shot anyone.
10) Angels in the Wings ***
Angels investigate bizarre accidents on a major studio movie musical set. The film reunites a Broadway couple whose marriage is on the rocks. Kris played the second lead in summer stock, and...wait for it...after being charmed by the lead and singing with him, he refuses to do the film unless KRIS IS CAST. Well, yes. So of course...wait for it...she's cast. And i mean, singing and hoofing to beat the band. Over on track 2, i absolutely DEFY anyone to make ANY SENSE of the actions of the bad guys. I swear i am not making this up, it involves a mute being manipulated to protect a woman killed twenty years earlier. But you almost don't notice all that, because the couple (Gene Barry and Shani Wallis) are genuinely touching, and the songs are even kind of beautiful.
11) Magic Fire ***
Bizarre. Silly. Goofy. Silly. Did i mention goofy? A gooferama. Firstly, the initial office meeting with the client is, um, the last time that character is mentioned. Then we're off on a whirlwind of, y'know, goofiness. In one scene, there's a huge, black, curly-haired dog sprawled across Kelly's lap. No explanation is given (i'm guessing it was "bring your dog to work" day, Jaclyn?). Sabrina does a French accent that is sooo, um, silly. There's a fight scene with Kris and another magician's assistant that's just...i gotta go with goofy. And the most fantastic scene is Bosley's performance as a comic clairvoyant (with assistant Kris in a jaw-dropping costume). Classic. You'll also get a kick out of guest star Rudy Solari (POLICE SQUAD!).
12) Sammy Davis Jr. Kidnap Caper ***
You'll never guess who they got to play Sammy Davis! ORSON BEAN!!! No, i'm kidding, i just like to say "Orson Bean". This one's so bad it's...well, okay not good, but fun. Sammy plays himself and a jive-talking impersonater of himself, who gets mistakenly kidnapped. Hilarity (ahem) ensues. Robert Pine (CHiPS) returns for his second spin on the ANGEL wheel, moving up from baddie to good guy gone wrong.
13) Angels on Horseback ****
Perilously cheesy, but a winner. A murder at a dude ranch! Eye-popping eye candy! Look, James Sikking (HILL STREET BLUES)! Woodrow Parfrey is classic as the amenable yokel sheriff. And i'm sorry, did Bosley just explain to Charlie that he put a massage parlor trip, with implied happy ending, on the office expense account?
14) Game, Set, Death ***
Bibi Besch (the mother of Captain Kirk's only child!) plays a pro on a tennis circuit that's being terrorized. When the Angels fail to run down a shooter, Kelly claims he/she ran "like a man". Really, Kel? Okay. I refer you please, to episode 8.
15) Hours of Desperation ***
One of the most deliriously over-the-top, scenery-chewing ANGEL baddie performances ever, delivered by Stanley Kamel. He ain't right in the head, and he straps plastic explosives on Sabrina. His line delivery of "PUT IT ONNNNNNNN!!!!" is still floating around the deep, dark recesses of every child who saw this in 1978. Plus, Taurean Blacque (HILL STREET BLUES) as a doctor, and Kris wearing a fringe vest that puts the "oy" in cowboy.
16) Diamond in the Rough ***
A guest actor cornucopia! It's Rene Enriquez (HILL STREET BLUES), John Winston (STAR TREK), and Sid Haig (JASON OF STAR COMMAND)! Angels steal a stolen diamond! Kelly and Kris sex it up! No, not together.
17) Angels in the Backfield ****
The most proactively feminist episode ever. So ahead of its time that thirty years later, there's still no sign of a...female pro football league! Unless you count that new "lingerie" league, which, um, ain't quite Gloria Steinem. The Angels go undercover on an underdog team whose players are being terrorized. There's a fascinating character named Pokey (Garn Stephens) who set the dyslexic awareness movement back a decade or two, with her portrayal of a dyslexic character as a sweet, near-mongoloid idiot. There's a shower fight that's beyond classic, as Kelly comes to the rescue of Kris, who's being bullied by an amazon. Kelly and the amazon tear the place up, in the most physics-defying fight in TV history - the amazon gets her ass kicked without ever falling out of her towel. Kris watches meekly, waiting to be mounted by the victor. And lordy lordy, are the men ever mincing idiots. Sabrina tosses one of the most wounded duck passes in the history of sport, and is promptly recruited by the best team in the league. Can the Angels stop the baddies in time to lead the team to victory?? Tune in to find out.
18) The Sand Castle Murders ****
Once in a while, a loosey goosey episode comes along where they break out of the standard plot devices, and show the Angels being human. Here, they're hanging out at Kris' beach house, plotting how to avoid the new assignment so they can have a party. A teenage runaway Kris befriended becomes a serial killer victim. Cis Rundle (Farrah and Cheryl's stunt double) gets a pulse-swelling scene. John Crawford plays a condescending cop who was once Charlie's partner. The identity of the baddie stays hidden longer than usual, and in a rare occurrance, Bosley shoots the murderer...a hell of a shot, too.
19) Angel Blues ***
The Angels unravel the death of a young country singer. The climactic fight features something never before seen: three Angels face three baddies. Shots are fired, punches and bodies fly...classic.
20) Mother Goose is Running for His Life **
A nice story about a sweet old toymaker (Murray Matheson). The most unresolved moment in ANGEL history, as Kelly faces an automated gun about to fire, we cut to commercial and...never resolve the moment! Ah well, Kris' hang-gliding shirt is an eye-popper, and her maneuvers as Raggedy Ann are too adorable.
21) Little Angels of the Night **
Can we stop with the HILL STREET BLUES-a-thon? This season we've had Hunter, Ray, Washington, and now Hill (Michael Warren, as friendly cop). Angels go undercover as prostitutes, to find a serial killer. The highlight is a bike chase made silly by rather granny-looking bicycles.
22) The Jade Trap ***
A delightful cat and mouse intrigue between Barry Bostwick (ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, SPIN CITY) and Dirk Benedict (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, THE A-TEAM), in his second spin on the ANGEL wheel. The Angels are caught in between. Barry's a cat burglar who sees gigolo Dirk commit a crime of passion. The tension never lets up. Kris does a Swedish accent so bad, you may want to take a club to her head. I mean, Sabrina's French is cringeworthy too, but...
23) Angels on the Run ***
Wonderful. The Angels investigate the disappearance of a country singer's lothario husband. Diamond thieves abduct Kelly, mistaking her for the singer. The baddies include Craig T. Nelson (POLTERGEIST, COACH) and Bill Duke (PREDATOR). Kel wears a green dress that could make a good dog break his leash. MATCH GAME regular and recidivist LOVE BOAT guest Elaine Joyce plays a farmer's wife in eye-popping short shorts. Bosley has an irritable, ridiculously offbeat office phone talk with Charlie which strays into Abbott & Costello territory, as he deals with a delivery girl, Mrs. Chicken (Judy Landers). He did NOT order legs, he ordered breasts! Sadly, she has no...oh wait a minute, she does.
24) Antique Angels ***
A delight. The plot? Simple. Crooks pose as a film crew with an antique car to steal experimental aerospace fuel, then enter the car in a nearby antique car show in order to smuggle the radioactive canisters out of the county. Of course they do! Who wouldn't?? The abnormally peppy and adorable Angels go undercover as car magazine writers in Keystone Cop outfits. Bosley romances a rich widow. In terms of feminism, ANGELS struck blows (albeit perhaps at the expense of the core issues - objectification and the rendering any of any non-pretty woman "invisible"). But there's a line here that beautifully underscores the misogyny of the time. One of the suspects apologizes to Sabrina, saying "I'm not in the habit of knocking women around...especially pretty ones". So...you might make an exception for an ugly one? You're quite the gallant, sir. Mind you, this wasn't one of the baddies, this was a sympathetic character. I suppose it was too much to hope that Kate might respond, "Why doncha stick your 'pretty ones' up your ass, jackoff?" Ah well, progress is progress.
I'll be damned. What do you do in a one-horse town when the horse leaves? You make a four-star episode, if you're series creators Ivan Goff and Ben Roberts. Farrah has left the building, and in truth i expected only a desultory punching of the clock. But Ivan and Ben, here are the accolades few ever gave you. You gave us unexpected moments of goofiness or darkness, and didn't let the loss of an icon rain on your parade. Jill's joined the European racing circuit...never mind that Sabrina was the driver in the group. Kelly and Sabrina are exasperated that Charlie wants to bring in a replacement. Bosley chuckles, until the mystery girl arrives - Jill's little sis Kris, who spent Jill's college money on the police academy! They have exactly eighty seconds of happy welcome, then the phone rings - Charlie's been kidnapped in Hawaii! Off they go, into a two-parter loaded with wonderfulness. Norman Fell (Mr. Roper) plays a naked social agitant. Don Ho drops in. Art Metrano (POLICE ACADEMY) is a great baddie. Tommy Fujiwara is bloody fantastic as the criminal with a heart of gold. The action is goooofy, as Sabrina shoots firecracker-laden arrows to simulate machine gun fire. And sexy? Your eyes just might fall out, as Kelly and Kris hijack a yacht in a little number we call "dueling wet bikinis". And the capper, one of the most iconic ANGEL moments, when they break into Charlie's cabin to finally come face to face...and he's out the window, swimming to shore.
2) Angels on Ice ****
Stop it. This one's even more deliriously four-starry than the season premiere. The Angels go undercover in the Ice Capades! Show owner Phil Silvers (yay!) brings them in to solve the disappearance of his stars. There are canyon-sized plot holes...the bad guy plan (Arab dissidents infiltrate ice show to shoot a sheik in the front row, necessitating seven kidnappings and untold man-hours...i mean, i'm no mastermind, but...you guys ever hear of a sniper rifle?), and the Angel reaction (when they have enough evidence to lock up the bad guys for kidnapping and conspiracy, they "let the show go on", which will get them that murder charge, but is that preferable to, i don't know, STOPPING the murder??). But i quibble. Phil treats the Angels with caustic disdain. The uncredited kidnapped ice queen is so beautiful my eyes hurt. Sabrina has a wacko fight with a man in a gorilla mask, then commandeers a car, runs a light, and plows a cop car. Borderline-retarded towel boy James Gammon (the coach, MAJOR LEAGUE) is somehow ridiculous and poignant. In ice clown makeup, Kris is so innocently beautiful it will tear your heart. Kelly infiltrates an Arabian club, and her belly dancing is jaw-dropping. She may have hit the gym in the off-season, as i don't remember upper body muscle tone before. Guest star Edward Andrews (Grandpa "Au-to-mo-bile" Howard, SIXTEEN CANDLES) plays a carefree wino who witnesses everything. In the final scene, the Angels take him out to get him rip-tootin' sauced! Still not sold? How about Jim Backus as the grumpy, wizened ice show prop master? Sublime.
3) Pretty Angels All in a Row ***
Contestants in a second-rate beauty pageant are terrorized. Two Angels become contestants. Hm, what was the chance Sabrina's number wouldn't come up? With these bumbling crooks (including Burton "How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart" Gilliam), it never feels like anyone's in danger, which is nice, as it lets us focus on making fun of pageants. Also featuring Bobbie Mitchell, who had to set some kind of record by playing nine different characters on M*A*S*H.
4) Angel in Flight ***
A sweet little unassuming episode. A college friend of Sabrina's is being terrorized. Off Kelly and Kris go as stewardess trainees! The highlight is a howlingly improbable emergency landing by Kelly, with zero flight training. After i stopped laughing myself silly however, and thought about the detailed way in which they filmed it, i'm pretty sure i myself could tighten that bad sucker inside the runway like a mother. Shit.
5) Circus of Terror ***
Nice. The Angels investigate accidents at a circus, hired by the owner's son whose gypsy father wouldn't approve of crime-fighting women. Kelly plays the spunky motorcycle daredevil "Go-Go". Kris gets knives thrown at her by Denny Miller (Tongo the Ape-man to most of you). Bosley is a carnie who gets hit on by Tinkle "Bosley John Bosley" Bell the midget. Sabrina falls for the son, played by James Darren (GIDGET, T.J. HOOKER, DS9). She gets some great material, both as a strong woman attracted to a man, and as a surprisingly-skilled mime.
6) Angel in Love ***
The Angels investigate a death at a nudist resort. Charlie puts Bosley on a diet. They could have played more with the nudity, but they dropped that ball (except for one scene where they compare notes in a hot tub...a meeting Bosley somehow misses). Sabrina falls in love, tragically. Kate gets touching, well-written scenes.
7) Unidentified Flying Angels ***
Dennis Cole (the future Mr. Smith) makes his second ANGEL appearance, in an episode marked by surprisingly good dialogue. Con men convince rich rubes that aliens are visiting. Jaclyn has an otherworldly scene in which she gets a rube to give up secrets by convincing him she's an alien. Set phasers on stunning.
8) Angels On the Air ****
Angels investigate the attempted murder of a radio reporter. This one sneaks up on you...i can't think of a single other four-star episode that has no sexiness, nor juicy guest star. This one's just, well, goofy. Kris pretends to be a motorcycle babe, with silly hick accent. There are quirky firecracker guest characters, including a helicopter pilot (Taylor Lacher) who oozes fun-loving machismo, and turns Sabrina upside down...if only she and her "Angel in Love" opposite had had this kind of chemistry. The cinematography is singular, especially the scene where the baddie exhaustedly hurls an empty trash can at a pursuing Kelly. In the final scene, Bosley says something glowing about Kelly running "like a man". Most of the feminism of ANGELS was understated, but for once they go all "in your face", as they trap Bosley within his condescending words, and proceed to feministly bitchslap him around the room. This may be the only time in my life i've used the term "bitchslap", but it somehow seems right.
9) Angel Baby ****
A youth (Scott Colomby, CADDYSHACK, PORKY'S 1-3) Kelly helped when she was a cop goes AWOL from the Air Force, distraught over the cessation of letters from his girlfriend. The Angels track her down, a prisoner of a white-baby-selling ring run by Edward Winter (Col. Flagg, M*A*S*H). Kelly goes undercover as a pregnant woman (no, no pillow). The writing is strangely good. Kris pretends to be in dire financial straits, and Edward offers her $20,000 to be impregnated by an Aryan. As a rule, ANGELS was sexy but never sexual. The hotel room scene where she faces her intended is atypically dark, though. For a moment as Kris begins to undress, you really believe that they're going to fuck. In the climax, she shoots a man and falls apart, saying she'd never shot anyone.
10) Angels in the Wings ***
Angels investigate bizarre accidents on a major studio movie musical set. The film reunites a Broadway couple whose marriage is on the rocks. Kris played the second lead in summer stock, and...wait for it...after being charmed by the lead and singing with him, he refuses to do the film unless KRIS IS CAST. Well, yes. So of course...wait for it...she's cast. And i mean, singing and hoofing to beat the band. Over on track 2, i absolutely DEFY anyone to make ANY SENSE of the actions of the bad guys. I swear i am not making this up, it involves a mute being manipulated to protect a woman killed twenty years earlier. But you almost don't notice all that, because the couple (Gene Barry and Shani Wallis) are genuinely touching, and the songs are even kind of beautiful.
11) Magic Fire ***
Bizarre. Silly. Goofy. Silly. Did i mention goofy? A gooferama. Firstly, the initial office meeting with the client is, um, the last time that character is mentioned. Then we're off on a whirlwind of, y'know, goofiness. In one scene, there's a huge, black, curly-haired dog sprawled across Kelly's lap. No explanation is given (i'm guessing it was "bring your dog to work" day, Jaclyn?). Sabrina does a French accent that is sooo, um, silly. There's a fight scene with Kris and another magician's assistant that's just...i gotta go with goofy. And the most fantastic scene is Bosley's performance as a comic clairvoyant (with assistant Kris in a jaw-dropping costume). Classic. You'll also get a kick out of guest star Rudy Solari (POLICE SQUAD!).
12) Sammy Davis Jr. Kidnap Caper ***
You'll never guess who they got to play Sammy Davis! ORSON BEAN!!! No, i'm kidding, i just like to say "Orson Bean". This one's so bad it's...well, okay not good, but fun. Sammy plays himself and a jive-talking impersonater of himself, who gets mistakenly kidnapped. Hilarity (ahem) ensues. Robert Pine (CHiPS) returns for his second spin on the ANGEL wheel, moving up from baddie to good guy gone wrong.
13) Angels on Horseback ****
Perilously cheesy, but a winner. A murder at a dude ranch! Eye-popping eye candy! Look, James Sikking (HILL STREET BLUES)! Woodrow Parfrey is classic as the amenable yokel sheriff. And i'm sorry, did Bosley just explain to Charlie that he put a massage parlor trip, with implied happy ending, on the office expense account?
14) Game, Set, Death ***
Bibi Besch (the mother of Captain Kirk's only child!) plays a pro on a tennis circuit that's being terrorized. When the Angels fail to run down a shooter, Kelly claims he/she ran "like a man". Really, Kel? Okay. I refer you please, to episode 8.
15) Hours of Desperation ***
One of the most deliriously over-the-top, scenery-chewing ANGEL baddie performances ever, delivered by Stanley Kamel. He ain't right in the head, and he straps plastic explosives on Sabrina. His line delivery of "PUT IT ONNNNNNNN!!!!" is still floating around the deep, dark recesses of every child who saw this in 1978. Plus, Taurean Blacque (HILL STREET BLUES) as a doctor, and Kris wearing a fringe vest that puts the "oy" in cowboy.
16) Diamond in the Rough ***
A guest actor cornucopia! It's Rene Enriquez (HILL STREET BLUES), John Winston (STAR TREK), and Sid Haig (JASON OF STAR COMMAND)! Angels steal a stolen diamond! Kelly and Kris sex it up! No, not together.
17) Angels in the Backfield ****
The most proactively feminist episode ever. So ahead of its time that thirty years later, there's still no sign of a...female pro football league! Unless you count that new "lingerie" league, which, um, ain't quite Gloria Steinem. The Angels go undercover on an underdog team whose players are being terrorized. There's a fascinating character named Pokey (Garn Stephens) who set the dyslexic awareness movement back a decade or two, with her portrayal of a dyslexic character as a sweet, near-mongoloid idiot. There's a shower fight that's beyond classic, as Kelly comes to the rescue of Kris, who's being bullied by an amazon. Kelly and the amazon tear the place up, in the most physics-defying fight in TV history - the amazon gets her ass kicked without ever falling out of her towel. Kris watches meekly, waiting to be mounted by the victor. And lordy lordy, are the men ever mincing idiots. Sabrina tosses one of the most wounded duck passes in the history of sport, and is promptly recruited by the best team in the league. Can the Angels stop the baddies in time to lead the team to victory?? Tune in to find out.
18) The Sand Castle Murders ****
Once in a while, a loosey goosey episode comes along where they break out of the standard plot devices, and show the Angels being human. Here, they're hanging out at Kris' beach house, plotting how to avoid the new assignment so they can have a party. A teenage runaway Kris befriended becomes a serial killer victim. Cis Rundle (Farrah and Cheryl's stunt double) gets a pulse-swelling scene. John Crawford plays a condescending cop who was once Charlie's partner. The identity of the baddie stays hidden longer than usual, and in a rare occurrance, Bosley shoots the murderer...a hell of a shot, too.
19) Angel Blues ***
The Angels unravel the death of a young country singer. The climactic fight features something never before seen: three Angels face three baddies. Shots are fired, punches and bodies fly...classic.
20) Mother Goose is Running for His Life **
A nice story about a sweet old toymaker (Murray Matheson). The most unresolved moment in ANGEL history, as Kelly faces an automated gun about to fire, we cut to commercial and...never resolve the moment! Ah well, Kris' hang-gliding shirt is an eye-popper, and her maneuvers as Raggedy Ann are too adorable.
21) Little Angels of the Night **
Can we stop with the HILL STREET BLUES-a-thon? This season we've had Hunter, Ray, Washington, and now Hill (Michael Warren, as friendly cop). Angels go undercover as prostitutes, to find a serial killer. The highlight is a bike chase made silly by rather granny-looking bicycles.
22) The Jade Trap ***
A delightful cat and mouse intrigue between Barry Bostwick (ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, SPIN CITY) and Dirk Benedict (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, THE A-TEAM), in his second spin on the ANGEL wheel. The Angels are caught in between. Barry's a cat burglar who sees gigolo Dirk commit a crime of passion. The tension never lets up. Kris does a Swedish accent so bad, you may want to take a club to her head. I mean, Sabrina's French is cringeworthy too, but...
23) Angels on the Run ***
Wonderful. The Angels investigate the disappearance of a country singer's lothario husband. Diamond thieves abduct Kelly, mistaking her for the singer. The baddies include Craig T. Nelson (POLTERGEIST, COACH) and Bill Duke (PREDATOR). Kel wears a green dress that could make a good dog break his leash. MATCH GAME regular and recidivist LOVE BOAT guest Elaine Joyce plays a farmer's wife in eye-popping short shorts. Bosley has an irritable, ridiculously offbeat office phone talk with Charlie which strays into Abbott & Costello territory, as he deals with a delivery girl, Mrs. Chicken (Judy Landers). He did NOT order legs, he ordered breasts! Sadly, she has no...oh wait a minute, she does.
24) Antique Angels ***
A delight. The plot? Simple. Crooks pose as a film crew with an antique car to steal experimental aerospace fuel, then enter the car in a nearby antique car show in order to smuggle the radioactive canisters out of the county. Of course they do! Who wouldn't?? The abnormally peppy and adorable Angels go undercover as car magazine writers in Keystone Cop outfits. Bosley romances a rich widow. In terms of feminism, ANGELS struck blows (albeit perhaps at the expense of the core issues - objectification and the rendering any of any non-pretty woman "invisible"). But there's a line here that beautifully underscores the misogyny of the time. One of the suspects apologizes to Sabrina, saying "I'm not in the habit of knocking women around...especially pretty ones". So...you might make an exception for an ugly one? You're quite the gallant, sir. Mind you, this wasn't one of the baddies, this was a sympathetic character. I suppose it was too much to hope that Kate might respond, "Why doncha stick your 'pretty ones' up your ass, jackoff?" Ah well, progress is progress.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Charlie's Angels, season 3
1) Angels in Vegas *
Appalling. Irredeemably. Dean Martin hires the Angels to investigate a death at his casino. He and Sabrina become romantically involved, and they don't have nearly enough chemistry or well-written lines to get past Hollywood's dipping yet again (and again and again and again and again) into the old man/young woman well. They had the services of Scatman Crothers, Robert Urich, Dick Sargent in his second ANGELS stint, and Michael Conrad of HILL STREET BLUES, but the only people who could enjoy this one are bulimics.
2) Angel Come Home ****
She's BAAAAACK!!! Wheeeeeeee!!! Farrah returns from the European racing circuit, summoned by a counterfeit cable. The producers take the bull by the horns, starting off with a "reunion" between Jill and sister Kris, who'd never met onscreen. It works, touchingly so. The costume designers have fun...under accessories, Farrah's first costume is an iconic red swimsuit, with nipples exactly where we left them. Everyone gets caught up in a mystery involving a new engine design. Jill's fiance arrives, divinely played by Stephen Collins (SEVENTH HEAVEN's Rev, STAR TREK's Will Decker). Jackie Stewart drops in. And in the final scene, a surprise...it's lil' sis Kris who appears in a bathing costume that might make a gay man or straight woman reconsider.
3) Angel on High ***
A lovely episode about a client's search for a lost son, who turns out to be a free-spirited show pilot who wants no part of the millions he stand to inherit. Quick! Spot the BEASTMASTER actor!
4) Angels in Springtime ***
A middling episode brightened by a climactic fight between Kris and guest star Nancy Parsons (Beulah Balbricker, PORKY'S). Actually, not "fight" so much as a bend-over ass-whupping, with Kris in the supine position.
5) Winning is for Losers **
How, how, HOW do you trot out an episode this bad for Casey Kasem and Jamie Lee Curtis (pre-HALLOWEEN)? The writing is so dreadful that pity is the only reasonable response. Casey plays an LPGA announcer who is only marginally more convincing than Gilbert Gottfried might be. Jamie doesn't fare much better as a young pro; i hope it was the director who made her smile like it's all silly fun shortly after being shot at. The sexiness meter never wavers from flaccid, either. The only thing that saves this episode from one-star land is a scene so over-the-top that hysterical laughter is guaranteed. Jamie and Kris tumble from a collapsing bridge, and Kris promptly fights off not one, but TWO alligators. Bare-handed. Ten-footers.
6) Haunted Angels **
Whenever the writers gave David Doyle just a few extra lines, he shone. Bosley gets all het up in this one about "fraud quack psychics". Quick! Who can spot Henry Blake? Not that one, the other one...
7) Pom Pom Angels ***
A charming episode, with lots of "oh that guy!" moments, like Ben Davidson (CONAN THE BARBARIAN). The Angels infiltrate a professional football cheerleader squad to investigate disappearances. It's kinda sexy, and the action sequences are silly and fun.
8) Angels Ahoy ****
The Angels return to a cruise ship, to investigate a criminal-smuggling operation. No, not criminals smuggling, criminals BEING smuggled. Sabrina plays a lowlife on the lam, and Kelly plays cruise director. This one has it all, starting with Bosley, who falls for a passenger who turns out to be the ringleader. A happy dose of sexiness comes from - surprise - Kelly! She's eye-popping in her jazzercise outfit, showing off shapelier legs than you'd have guessed. And of course, an action climax so over-the-top that all you can do is guffaw with delight. A bunch of baddies plan to drown Kelly in the ship's pool, the cause of death being "drunkenness". She's dead sober, but they'll fix that by, um, tossing booze on her. How it's going to get in her bloodstream is a mystery, but the baddie taunting her as he repeatedly throws gin in her face is too, too classic. They chuck her in, then bring out the murder weapons...POOL SKIMMERS!!! Yes, those lightweight net tools that remove detritus. They're going to push her under! It's so ridiculous that it's sublime.
9) Mother Angel ***
Farrah's second return is a bit anti-climactic, as the writers gave it an "oh, she happened to be in the neighborhood" feel. The episode starts slowly, but picks up nicely. Samantha is a precocious, troubled orphan, a fascinating character played by Olivia Barash. She witnesses her Aunt's ex commit a murder, but no one believes her. The Angels are finally on the case, with Jill as Sam's personal (sigh) bodyguard. Gary Collins and Robert Davi are satisfying baddies. Sabrina and Kelly making cross-eyes at each other while undercover, is thoroughly charming.
10) Angel On My Mind ****
Are you stunned that i'm not caterwauling like a harpy because Jonathan Frakes guest stars? The reason i'm not shrieking is because this one is so excellent it actually outshines Commander William T. Riker. It achieves a four-star rating without causing a spike in the sexiness meter, something no other four-star entry has done. And there's a moment of action so sudden and realistic, you're completely unprepared. Classic ANGEL action makes you laugh, not scream in alarm. Kris witnesses a murder, and the killer creams her with his car. She comes to, not knowing who she is, and wanders off. She ends up alone on a desolate beach. The best ANGEL episodes occasionally had a dark quality. Three men stalk her, and the looks in their eyes can only end in rape. There's a poignant scene with an old drunk who befriends her. Nine years before NEXT GENERATION, Frakes is a beach partier who feeds Kris (Cheryl looks so much like his eventual wife, Genie Francis of GENERAL HOSPITAL, it's downright eerie). The other Angels search for her, not knowing that the killer is also searching. As she slowly recovers her identity, there is genuine poignance as she contrasts the innocence of her childhood with her present life, full of "angry people". In the final scene, you can tell she's still shaken, and will be for a long time. All that, plus Billy Barty as a newspaper salesman.
11) Angels Belong in Heaven *
Ewwwwf. An unknown acquaintance of Charlie's puts a hit out on one of the Angels. At times it threatens to pass over into "so bad it's good"...there's an MST3K moment that could have you giggling for hours...but most of the time it's just so bad. One hopes that the actors were at least able to amuse themselves with the wretchedness. "That guy" baddie extraordinaire Lloyd Bochner drops in.
12) Angels in the Stretch **
Off to the races (horses, that is). A middling effort featuring David Hedison (VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, the first two-time Felix Leiter).
13) Angels on Vacation ***
Entertaining and tight, from start to finish. Bosley and the Angels visit Kris' small-town relatives in Arizona, but all is not well. Baddies have most of the town's women held hostage. The rest of the townfolk try to scare the Angels off, but soon...well, you know. Tons of "oh, that guy" richness.
14) Counterfeit Angels ***
No, they don't foil a counterfeiting scheme. There are actual counterfeit Angels running around, robbing people. A silly episode, with an underused Bubba Smith.
15) Disco Angels ***
The Angels return to the disco world, to investigate the deaths of old men in the vicinity of a discotheque. The episode starts out with a bang, as the producers popped for red-hot hit "Disco Inferno". The episode is rich, baby, rich with "that-guy" moments, and nicely-dosed with sexiness by Kris, following in big sister's steps as an undercover disco instructor.
16) Terror on Skis ***
Charming. More holes than swiss tofu, but simply charming. They protect a high-ranking government official competing in a skiing pro-am, played by Dennis "Who the hell do i gotta boink to play a good guy around here" Cole (in his third ANGEL stint, and now Mr. Jaclyn Smith offstage). He and Kelly spark romantically (surprise), but it's very nice. Curiously, he bought his snowsuit at the Darth Vader surplus store. The government security head brings the Angels in because their faces are unknown...then proceeds to de-brief them in the lodge lobby. There are delightful, unexpected visuals, such as ski dancing, mountain fireflies, and ski mimes. No, really. There's an hours-long chase scene that makes NO sense whatsoever, but...it's so much fun you can't say no. The charm is multiplied by endless snowmobile, skiing, and ski lift shots with fake backgrounds imposed. If you ever wondered what Cesare Danova followed up ANIMAL HOUSE (Mayor Carmine DiPasto) with, wonder no more. He's a, whattayacallit, baddie. This one has a slightly surreal scene as hostage Sabrina transforms a militant idealist into an, um, nihilist. Kris has a smaller part, yet she gives the most touching, realistic line reading she ever gave as an Angel, when she is gently kissed, and says "Well, hello".
17) Angel in a Box ***
Farrah's back, chapter 3! It starts off auspiciously, with Kris kidnapped. The kidnappers identify her as Jill, who soon re-joins the crew. An enormous misdirection is uncovered. The mastermind? John Colicos, who filmed this in the middle of his Baltar season on BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. He plays a grieving father who blames Jill for the death of his son, a race driver who crashed. Colicos is not chewing his usual scenery. Jill explains that the son, her friend and ex-lover, died because he was a bad driver trying to make his father happy. Just when you think John will be swayed, he ain't. The episode never gels, but it's nice. If you don't know what it feels like when your loved one gets a haircut you hate, Farrah has a feathered thing going on, and it just doesn't work. Layered good, feathered bad.
18) Teen Angels **
So bad it's almost good. The Angels go undercover at a girl's college, after a student is strangled. Kelly and Sabrina are teachers, Kris is a student, and Bosley shovels shit. They uncover a booze/pills ring, run by uber-alpha mean girl Audrey Landers. Egregious badness abounds, but Audrey plus a climactic chase in which the Angels are sidehacking (i kid you not...see MST3K's "The Sidehackers" if you don't know what the heck i'm talking about), rescue this one from one-star land. Art teacher Sabrina has Kris model for the class, but a golden opportunity fizzles. There's also a bizarre, unintentionally-erotic abduction of Kelly.
19) Marathon Angels ****
That......was......wild. This is what the TV saw, were it looking my way: wrob scrinches his eyes. He leans forward. He sits back. His jaw drops. His head lists to the side. He laughs. He squints. His head slowly swivels back and forth, slack-jawed. He laughs. Repeat cycle until end of episode. Okay, take a breath, and...Angels respond to the abduction of two runners on the day of a marathon. Kris and Kelly go undercover...by running in the marathon! Not one day of training! Three of the runners break into a tap routine. Sheiks and sheik flunkies are running around. One of the runners has a large snake in her backpack. This episode renders LSD superfluous.
20) Angels in Waiting ***
Bosley's finest hour, the first episode ever to feature him as central character. It's alternately funny, frisky, and poignant, a la tears of a clown. He abandons the Angels at the office after meeting a strange woman during lunch break. He unloads on them about being underappreciated, and challenges them to figure out where he is when he calls in during the day...until they can, they must do the office paperwork. Out in the real world, he romances the lady while being stalked by James Sikking (lt. Hunter, HILL STREET BLUES). A fantastic episode for our wonderful David Doyle.
21) Rosemary, for Remembrance **
Oh man, did that fall apart. It starts out sharply, with murder attempts on a prohibition-era boozelord just released from prison. Kris is assigned to be his bodyguard, and she has an uncanny resemblance to his wife who was murdered forty years ago, a crime still unsolved. She starts to dress as the wife, to help him dislodge suppressed memories. A beautiful episode that spirals into the tank.
22) Angels Remembered ***
From the amount of laughter this one induced, it MUST be four stars...but no, i'll not break the unwritten commandment saying thou shalt not give highest marks to a clip show. The laughter came from the moments between the clips. The lead-in lines are so hysterically obvious, it was episodes like this that killed clip shows forever. But thisn's a gem. Sexy and funny, times three. The cure for any humdrum party! Kate Jackson heads off into the sunset...if they knew this was her swan song, no one showed it. Farewell, sweet Kate. Go get that Scarecrow.
Appalling. Irredeemably. Dean Martin hires the Angels to investigate a death at his casino. He and Sabrina become romantically involved, and they don't have nearly enough chemistry or well-written lines to get past Hollywood's dipping yet again (and again and again and again and again) into the old man/young woman well. They had the services of Scatman Crothers, Robert Urich, Dick Sargent in his second ANGELS stint, and Michael Conrad of HILL STREET BLUES, but the only people who could enjoy this one are bulimics.
2) Angel Come Home ****
She's BAAAAACK!!! Wheeeeeeee!!! Farrah returns from the European racing circuit, summoned by a counterfeit cable. The producers take the bull by the horns, starting off with a "reunion" between Jill and sister Kris, who'd never met onscreen. It works, touchingly so. The costume designers have fun...under accessories, Farrah's first costume is an iconic red swimsuit, with nipples exactly where we left them. Everyone gets caught up in a mystery involving a new engine design. Jill's fiance arrives, divinely played by Stephen Collins (SEVENTH HEAVEN's Rev, STAR TREK's Will Decker). Jackie Stewart drops in. And in the final scene, a surprise...it's lil' sis Kris who appears in a bathing costume that might make a gay man or straight woman reconsider.
3) Angel on High ***
A lovely episode about a client's search for a lost son, who turns out to be a free-spirited show pilot who wants no part of the millions he stand to inherit. Quick! Spot the BEASTMASTER actor!
4) Angels in Springtime ***
A middling episode brightened by a climactic fight between Kris and guest star Nancy Parsons (Beulah Balbricker, PORKY'S). Actually, not "fight" so much as a bend-over ass-whupping, with Kris in the supine position.
5) Winning is for Losers **
How, how, HOW do you trot out an episode this bad for Casey Kasem and Jamie Lee Curtis (pre-HALLOWEEN)? The writing is so dreadful that pity is the only reasonable response. Casey plays an LPGA announcer who is only marginally more convincing than Gilbert Gottfried might be. Jamie doesn't fare much better as a young pro; i hope it was the director who made her smile like it's all silly fun shortly after being shot at. The sexiness meter never wavers from flaccid, either. The only thing that saves this episode from one-star land is a scene so over-the-top that hysterical laughter is guaranteed. Jamie and Kris tumble from a collapsing bridge, and Kris promptly fights off not one, but TWO alligators. Bare-handed. Ten-footers.
6) Haunted Angels **
Whenever the writers gave David Doyle just a few extra lines, he shone. Bosley gets all het up in this one about "fraud quack psychics". Quick! Who can spot Henry Blake? Not that one, the other one...
7) Pom Pom Angels ***
A charming episode, with lots of "oh that guy!" moments, like Ben Davidson (CONAN THE BARBARIAN). The Angels infiltrate a professional football cheerleader squad to investigate disappearances. It's kinda sexy, and the action sequences are silly and fun.
8) Angels Ahoy ****
The Angels return to a cruise ship, to investigate a criminal-smuggling operation. No, not criminals smuggling, criminals BEING smuggled. Sabrina plays a lowlife on the lam, and Kelly plays cruise director. This one has it all, starting with Bosley, who falls for a passenger who turns out to be the ringleader. A happy dose of sexiness comes from - surprise - Kelly! She's eye-popping in her jazzercise outfit, showing off shapelier legs than you'd have guessed. And of course, an action climax so over-the-top that all you can do is guffaw with delight. A bunch of baddies plan to drown Kelly in the ship's pool, the cause of death being "drunkenness". She's dead sober, but they'll fix that by, um, tossing booze on her. How it's going to get in her bloodstream is a mystery, but the baddie taunting her as he repeatedly throws gin in her face is too, too classic. They chuck her in, then bring out the murder weapons...POOL SKIMMERS!!! Yes, those lightweight net tools that remove detritus. They're going to push her under! It's so ridiculous that it's sublime.
9) Mother Angel ***
Farrah's second return is a bit anti-climactic, as the writers gave it an "oh, she happened to be in the neighborhood" feel. The episode starts slowly, but picks up nicely. Samantha is a precocious, troubled orphan, a fascinating character played by Olivia Barash. She witnesses her Aunt's ex commit a murder, but no one believes her. The Angels are finally on the case, with Jill as Sam's personal (sigh) bodyguard. Gary Collins and Robert Davi are satisfying baddies. Sabrina and Kelly making cross-eyes at each other while undercover, is thoroughly charming.
10) Angel On My Mind ****
Are you stunned that i'm not caterwauling like a harpy because Jonathan Frakes guest stars? The reason i'm not shrieking is because this one is so excellent it actually outshines Commander William T. Riker. It achieves a four-star rating without causing a spike in the sexiness meter, something no other four-star entry has done. And there's a moment of action so sudden and realistic, you're completely unprepared. Classic ANGEL action makes you laugh, not scream in alarm. Kris witnesses a murder, and the killer creams her with his car. She comes to, not knowing who she is, and wanders off. She ends up alone on a desolate beach. The best ANGEL episodes occasionally had a dark quality. Three men stalk her, and the looks in their eyes can only end in rape. There's a poignant scene with an old drunk who befriends her. Nine years before NEXT GENERATION, Frakes is a beach partier who feeds Kris (Cheryl looks so much like his eventual wife, Genie Francis of GENERAL HOSPITAL, it's downright eerie). The other Angels search for her, not knowing that the killer is also searching. As she slowly recovers her identity, there is genuine poignance as she contrasts the innocence of her childhood with her present life, full of "angry people". In the final scene, you can tell she's still shaken, and will be for a long time. All that, plus Billy Barty as a newspaper salesman.
11) Angels Belong in Heaven *
Ewwwwf. An unknown acquaintance of Charlie's puts a hit out on one of the Angels. At times it threatens to pass over into "so bad it's good"...there's an MST3K moment that could have you giggling for hours...but most of the time it's just so bad. One hopes that the actors were at least able to amuse themselves with the wretchedness. "That guy" baddie extraordinaire Lloyd Bochner drops in.
12) Angels in the Stretch **
Off to the races (horses, that is). A middling effort featuring David Hedison (VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, the first two-time Felix Leiter).
13) Angels on Vacation ***
Entertaining and tight, from start to finish. Bosley and the Angels visit Kris' small-town relatives in Arizona, but all is not well. Baddies have most of the town's women held hostage. The rest of the townfolk try to scare the Angels off, but soon...well, you know. Tons of "oh, that guy" richness.
14) Counterfeit Angels ***
No, they don't foil a counterfeiting scheme. There are actual counterfeit Angels running around, robbing people. A silly episode, with an underused Bubba Smith.
15) Disco Angels ***
The Angels return to the disco world, to investigate the deaths of old men in the vicinity of a discotheque. The episode starts out with a bang, as the producers popped for red-hot hit "Disco Inferno". The episode is rich, baby, rich with "that-guy" moments, and nicely-dosed with sexiness by Kris, following in big sister's steps as an undercover disco instructor.
16) Terror on Skis ***
Charming. More holes than swiss tofu, but simply charming. They protect a high-ranking government official competing in a skiing pro-am, played by Dennis "Who the hell do i gotta boink to play a good guy around here" Cole (in his third ANGEL stint, and now Mr. Jaclyn Smith offstage). He and Kelly spark romantically (surprise), but it's very nice. Curiously, he bought his snowsuit at the Darth Vader surplus store. The government security head brings the Angels in because their faces are unknown...then proceeds to de-brief them in the lodge lobby. There are delightful, unexpected visuals, such as ski dancing, mountain fireflies, and ski mimes. No, really. There's an hours-long chase scene that makes NO sense whatsoever, but...it's so much fun you can't say no. The charm is multiplied by endless snowmobile, skiing, and ski lift shots with fake backgrounds imposed. If you ever wondered what Cesare Danova followed up ANIMAL HOUSE (Mayor Carmine DiPasto) with, wonder no more. He's a, whattayacallit, baddie. This one has a slightly surreal scene as hostage Sabrina transforms a militant idealist into an, um, nihilist. Kris has a smaller part, yet she gives the most touching, realistic line reading she ever gave as an Angel, when she is gently kissed, and says "Well, hello".
17) Angel in a Box ***
Farrah's back, chapter 3! It starts off auspiciously, with Kris kidnapped. The kidnappers identify her as Jill, who soon re-joins the crew. An enormous misdirection is uncovered. The mastermind? John Colicos, who filmed this in the middle of his Baltar season on BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. He plays a grieving father who blames Jill for the death of his son, a race driver who crashed. Colicos is not chewing his usual scenery. Jill explains that the son, her friend and ex-lover, died because he was a bad driver trying to make his father happy. Just when you think John will be swayed, he ain't. The episode never gels, but it's nice. If you don't know what it feels like when your loved one gets a haircut you hate, Farrah has a feathered thing going on, and it just doesn't work. Layered good, feathered bad.
18) Teen Angels **
So bad it's almost good. The Angels go undercover at a girl's college, after a student is strangled. Kelly and Sabrina are teachers, Kris is a student, and Bosley shovels shit. They uncover a booze/pills ring, run by uber-alpha mean girl Audrey Landers. Egregious badness abounds, but Audrey plus a climactic chase in which the Angels are sidehacking (i kid you not...see MST3K's "The Sidehackers" if you don't know what the heck i'm talking about), rescue this one from one-star land. Art teacher Sabrina has Kris model for the class, but a golden opportunity fizzles. There's also a bizarre, unintentionally-erotic abduction of Kelly.
19) Marathon Angels ****
That......was......wild. This is what the TV saw, were it looking my way: wrob scrinches his eyes. He leans forward. He sits back. His jaw drops. His head lists to the side. He laughs. He squints. His head slowly swivels back and forth, slack-jawed. He laughs. Repeat cycle until end of episode. Okay, take a breath, and...Angels respond to the abduction of two runners on the day of a marathon. Kris and Kelly go undercover...by running in the marathon! Not one day of training! Three of the runners break into a tap routine. Sheiks and sheik flunkies are running around. One of the runners has a large snake in her backpack. This episode renders LSD superfluous.
20) Angels in Waiting ***
Bosley's finest hour, the first episode ever to feature him as central character. It's alternately funny, frisky, and poignant, a la tears of a clown. He abandons the Angels at the office after meeting a strange woman during lunch break. He unloads on them about being underappreciated, and challenges them to figure out where he is when he calls in during the day...until they can, they must do the office paperwork. Out in the real world, he romances the lady while being stalked by James Sikking (lt. Hunter, HILL STREET BLUES). A fantastic episode for our wonderful David Doyle.
21) Rosemary, for Remembrance **
Oh man, did that fall apart. It starts out sharply, with murder attempts on a prohibition-era boozelord just released from prison. Kris is assigned to be his bodyguard, and she has an uncanny resemblance to his wife who was murdered forty years ago, a crime still unsolved. She starts to dress as the wife, to help him dislodge suppressed memories. A beautiful episode that spirals into the tank.
22) Angels Remembered ***
From the amount of laughter this one induced, it MUST be four stars...but no, i'll not break the unwritten commandment saying thou shalt not give highest marks to a clip show. The laughter came from the moments between the clips. The lead-in lines are so hysterically obvious, it was episodes like this that killed clip shows forever. But thisn's a gem. Sexy and funny, times three. The cure for any humdrum party! Kate Jackson heads off into the sunset...if they knew this was her swan song, no one showed it. Farewell, sweet Kate. Go get that Scarecrow.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Charlie's Angels, season 1
It's a testament to Farrah's cultural impact, that most people don't realize she did only one season. The girls waltz through an unending succession of hairy situations, occasionally bumbling, but hardly ever getting their hair mussed. It gets so ridiculous that one starts daydreaming about everything going wrong, and just for once they don't pull out the Hollywood escape...suddenly a psychopath is shaving Jill's head and lopping off her digits, as that edgy henchman Sabrina was leading on holds her head under water for a few minutes, while dockworkers gang rape Kelly (come to think of it, Tarantino probably watched this show as a kid). Or dockworkers gang rape Bosley, if that last line of thought was misogynistic. But there was also something progressive about it all. The uglier realities of women's place in society were acknowledged, and week in, week out, they took on the worst elements of a man's world, and came out on top.
-pilot ****
Brilliant. Really. Tight, exciting, and enlivened tenfold by the supporting cast. In this episode, Bosley has a partner, Woodville, played by David Ogden Stiers (M*A*S*H). That local farmboy with a heart of gold? Tommy Lee Jones. And if you rate high on the geek-o-meter, you'll be delighted (or mortified) by the presence of Diana Muldaur (TREK's Dr. Pulaski).
1) Hellride *
An uneven offering, brightened only by Bosley and Jill as a revivalist minister and his daughter. She's as sweet as Texas apple pie, innocent as a lamb, and beats the boys in poker too.
2) The Mexican Connection **
Enlivened by the series' first moment of pure unintentional camp, when Jill whacks a bad guy with an oar, sending him into the water, and the girls toss a lightweight net on him.
3) Night of the Strangler **
Bert! Bert!! Guest star Richard Mulligan was warming up for SOAP the following season. Sadly, he's a little vanilla here, but it's sweet vanilla nonetheless. By this episode, one starts to develop an admiration for costumers Joanne Haas and Ray Phelps. They did impressive breast work. How they showed so much without showing it all, was quite a trick, and probably required an extra take here and there. One of Jill's white blouses is fairly see-through, and the redness of her nipples.......i'm sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, and the campiness gets a ratcheting. In the climax battle, in a fully lit room, Bert is tricked into firing at a mannequin. Plausible, until he proceeds to unload his entire clip into it. Meanwhile, Jill takes out the other baddie with an inflatable toy.
4) Angels in Chains ****
Sublime. I spent much of the episode laughing aloud. The greatest line in Angel history: "I am not a yo-yo!" The Angels go undercover as inmates in a women's prison. Their client? How about Julie, from The Love Boat? The local sheriff? Jeffrey Lebowski (not that Lebowski, the other Lebowski). The leering guard? Why, that's Hector Savage! Look, two future BUCK ROGERS alums! The Angels get strip searched, de-loused, and forced into prostitution. They overcome their captors in a squad car...but instead of taking the guns or car or keys, they run into a swamp, chained together! Why? Um, because the guards are "too heavy". In the swamp, we get our first-ever glimpse of Farrah's naked breast, compliments of the pause feature on your remote. STILL not sold? Then how about inmate Kim Basinger? She goes nipple for nipple with Farrah (it turns out they both have two), and at the end of the show, is hired as Charlie's new secretary. Whew. I'm spent just thinking about it.
5) Target: Angels ****
The Angels seek refuge from an assassin, in Charlie's mansion. Okay, now stop the presses. Up until this point, the show has been pretty much exactly as i expected. Often a show you watch as a child takes on a different reality when viewed as an adult, but that hasn't been the case. Visual excitement, with all the depth of a puddle, right? But something bizarre happens in this episode. We learn that Kelly was a loner orphan who always ends up sabotaging her romances because of abandonment issues. We meet Sabrina's ex-husband (Gropler Zorn, STAR TREK: NEXT GEN), a cop who divorced her because he loved her too much to bear her dangerous lifestyle. WHAT IS ALL THIS? Depth? Stop it, i have no memory of this. STILL not sold? Then how about Kelly's spurned doctor boyfriend Tom Selleck? Alright already?
6) The Killing Kind **
Is there ANYONE who had any doubt that Robert Loggia was coming?
7) To Kill an Angel *
An Angel is finally shot! Kelly takes one in the head. No, not from one of the innumerable baddies shooting at her who are expert at handling a gun. From an autistic boy. This episode starts out regressively, with the gang talking about Kelly's possible marriage, which OF COURSE would mean the end of her career. It doesn't get better, as the action strains the bounds of credibility even more than usual.
8) Lady Killer ***
A lovely episode about a murder investigation at a men's magazine. Shame on me for feeling shortchanged, but an episode in which Jill goes undercover as the next centerfold, then never delivers even a little taste of a photoshoot...is the word "cocktease" entirely out of line? Sabrina's best episode. She becomes emotionally involved with the "Hef" character, and shames him out of dating twenty year-olds (which, if you think about it, was probably the most credibility-straining moment of the entire series).
9) Bullseye **
Ah, the misty old days when women couldn't be in the real army. The Angels go undercover as WACs (who would be assimilated into the real army only two years later, and whether that qualifies as social progress is a fascinating question). This episode clips along, brightened by the presence of Sgt. Gatraer of CHiPs (Robert Pine, in a bad guy role), then thuds into a vomitous denouement, which one can only hope made the actors squirm. It shoots right past regressive, into misogynistic.
10) Consenting Adults ***
Perky Angel goodness enlivened by G.W. Bailey (M*A*S*H), and Laurette Spang (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA)! AGAIN, she's a dirty socialator! And no, i'm not complaining that Jill goes undercover as a prostitute yet doesn't have one single scene with a john. She does, however, have a ridiculously silly skateboard chase. Yes, a skateboard chase. No, not two skateboards...a car chasing her on skateboard. Silly car, she kicks its ass!
11) The Seance *
Middling-grade schlock. The Angels investigate a clairvoyant. Hypnotized people wander around saying "I must kill Pahpschmir, i must kill Pahpschmir". On the upside, Rene Auberjonois (BENSON, DEEP SPACE NINE) makes a lovely villain.
12) Angels on Wheels *
Undercover at the roller derby, the cheese is pretty moldy, including an especially hokey car bomb scene. Dick Sargent (Bewitched) enlivens things, but not nearly enough.
13) Angel Trap **
Farrah and Fernando Lamas very nearly create poignance.
14) The Big Tap Out **
A cutesy little cat-and-mouse episode.
15) Angels on a String **
The lovely and charming Theodore Bikel (THE AFRICAN QUEEN, Worf's father) is wasted on a middling episode.
16) Dirty Business ****
This'ns what we in the bidness call a big mac. It's got everything (except some prime Bosley). It starts out slow, but Jill has her most touching romantic scenes, the climax is as smashing as it gets, there's a porno version of Little Bo Peep, plus a trippy ambience found in no other episode. The only one helmed by Bill Bixby (THE INCREDIBLE HULK, KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE). Thank you, Bill.
17) The Las Vegas Connection **
Well-conceived, well-executed, not much sizzle, and two rarities...actual dramatic monologues.
18) Terror On Ward One **
Curiously, putting Jill in a nurse's outfit results in the least sexy episode of the season, notable only for a singularly dark scene of Jill methodically emasculating a defenseless suspect.
19) Dancing in the Dark ***
Cupid is in the air, as hunky bad guy Dennis Cole meets future wife Jaclyn. Jill goes undercover as a dance instructor, and her verbal acclaim of all things disco is a delight. The ending loses coherence, but Jill's bowling alley takedown of Dennis, with a ball right down the lane, is Angel action nonpareil.
20) I Will Be Remembered **
Not for this episode, you won't.
21) Angels at Sea ****
Wheeeeee! The Angels go on a cruise...never mind that their cover is blown and they receive death threats even before they board. These and other plot points are groaning at the seams, but sometimes you've just gotta bend over and smile, cause it feels so good. We've got a naked Bosley and killer steam! We've got a murderer taking pot shots at them, but they still head off to bed in separate cabins. We've got three simultaneous bomb defusals that put the "max" in climax. And most of all, we have an over-the-top insane baddie by Mr. Frank Gorshin! Wheeeeee! Spinning off Hollywood impersonations like water off a demented duck's back, Frank elevates this one to pop culture nirvana. Let's include this in a Gorshin-a-thon, with his turns in STAR TREK, BUCK ROGERS, and BATMAN's "Ring Around the Riddler".
22) The Blue Angels ****
Starbuck! Faceman! Dirk Benedict!! The producers didn't know Farrah would be leaving, so there's no "exit" plotline. How she catapulted into the pop stratosphere couldn't be more of a non-mystery. She made Jaclyn, one of the most beautiful women in TV history, look like a wet rag. She gave America something we'd never seen. Holy-good-god-almighty-above, say it with reverence...nipples. It was mostly simple physiology. The caprices of evolution gave this young woman from Texas two nipples so pokey they resembled beautiful, oversized erasers. It's possible that she had them iced before her scenes, but it's also possible there was no need. Nearly every episode, they came bursting out of one of her costumes. Week in, week out, she somehow scored the lion's share of the action sequences too. In this one, she takes down a bad guy from eight feet away with an aluminum pie tin. Chew on that, Wonder Woman! Bend over and pucker, Zena! On top of it all, she had such a sweet, accessible, open quality (those nipples might have been obvious and trashy on anyone else). In her final scene, she's down on the floor with Bosley, demonstrating some of the massage moves she'd learned undercover. Sigh. America never had a chance.
-pilot ****
Brilliant. Really. Tight, exciting, and enlivened tenfold by the supporting cast. In this episode, Bosley has a partner, Woodville, played by David Ogden Stiers (M*A*S*H). That local farmboy with a heart of gold? Tommy Lee Jones. And if you rate high on the geek-o-meter, you'll be delighted (or mortified) by the presence of Diana Muldaur (TREK's Dr. Pulaski).
1) Hellride *
An uneven offering, brightened only by Bosley and Jill as a revivalist minister and his daughter. She's as sweet as Texas apple pie, innocent as a lamb, and beats the boys in poker too.
2) The Mexican Connection **
Enlivened by the series' first moment of pure unintentional camp, when Jill whacks a bad guy with an oar, sending him into the water, and the girls toss a lightweight net on him.
3) Night of the Strangler **
Bert! Bert!! Guest star Richard Mulligan was warming up for SOAP the following season. Sadly, he's a little vanilla here, but it's sweet vanilla nonetheless. By this episode, one starts to develop an admiration for costumers Joanne Haas and Ray Phelps. They did impressive breast work. How they showed so much without showing it all, was quite a trick, and probably required an extra take here and there. One of Jill's white blouses is fairly see-through, and the redness of her nipples.......i'm sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, and the campiness gets a ratcheting. In the climax battle, in a fully lit room, Bert is tricked into firing at a mannequin. Plausible, until he proceeds to unload his entire clip into it. Meanwhile, Jill takes out the other baddie with an inflatable toy.
4) Angels in Chains ****
Sublime. I spent much of the episode laughing aloud. The greatest line in Angel history: "I am not a yo-yo!" The Angels go undercover as inmates in a women's prison. Their client? How about Julie, from The Love Boat? The local sheriff? Jeffrey Lebowski (not that Lebowski, the other Lebowski). The leering guard? Why, that's Hector Savage! Look, two future BUCK ROGERS alums! The Angels get strip searched, de-loused, and forced into prostitution. They overcome their captors in a squad car...but instead of taking the guns or car or keys, they run into a swamp, chained together! Why? Um, because the guards are "too heavy". In the swamp, we get our first-ever glimpse of Farrah's naked breast, compliments of the pause feature on your remote. STILL not sold? Then how about inmate Kim Basinger? She goes nipple for nipple with Farrah (it turns out they both have two), and at the end of the show, is hired as Charlie's new secretary. Whew. I'm spent just thinking about it.
5) Target: Angels ****
The Angels seek refuge from an assassin, in Charlie's mansion. Okay, now stop the presses. Up until this point, the show has been pretty much exactly as i expected. Often a show you watch as a child takes on a different reality when viewed as an adult, but that hasn't been the case. Visual excitement, with all the depth of a puddle, right? But something bizarre happens in this episode. We learn that Kelly was a loner orphan who always ends up sabotaging her romances because of abandonment issues. We meet Sabrina's ex-husband (Gropler Zorn, STAR TREK: NEXT GEN), a cop who divorced her because he loved her too much to bear her dangerous lifestyle. WHAT IS ALL THIS? Depth? Stop it, i have no memory of this. STILL not sold? Then how about Kelly's spurned doctor boyfriend Tom Selleck? Alright already?
6) The Killing Kind **
Is there ANYONE who had any doubt that Robert Loggia was coming?
7) To Kill an Angel *
An Angel is finally shot! Kelly takes one in the head. No, not from one of the innumerable baddies shooting at her who are expert at handling a gun. From an autistic boy. This episode starts out regressively, with the gang talking about Kelly's possible marriage, which OF COURSE would mean the end of her career. It doesn't get better, as the action strains the bounds of credibility even more than usual.
8) Lady Killer ***
A lovely episode about a murder investigation at a men's magazine. Shame on me for feeling shortchanged, but an episode in which Jill goes undercover as the next centerfold, then never delivers even a little taste of a photoshoot...is the word "cocktease" entirely out of line? Sabrina's best episode. She becomes emotionally involved with the "Hef" character, and shames him out of dating twenty year-olds (which, if you think about it, was probably the most credibility-straining moment of the entire series).
9) Bullseye **
Ah, the misty old days when women couldn't be in the real army. The Angels go undercover as WACs (who would be assimilated into the real army only two years later, and whether that qualifies as social progress is a fascinating question). This episode clips along, brightened by the presence of Sgt. Gatraer of CHiPs (Robert Pine, in a bad guy role), then thuds into a vomitous denouement, which one can only hope made the actors squirm. It shoots right past regressive, into misogynistic.
10) Consenting Adults ***
Perky Angel goodness enlivened by G.W. Bailey (M*A*S*H), and Laurette Spang (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA)! AGAIN, she's a dirty socialator! And no, i'm not complaining that Jill goes undercover as a prostitute yet doesn't have one single scene with a john. She does, however, have a ridiculously silly skateboard chase. Yes, a skateboard chase. No, not two skateboards...a car chasing her on skateboard. Silly car, she kicks its ass!
11) The Seance *
Middling-grade schlock. The Angels investigate a clairvoyant. Hypnotized people wander around saying "I must kill Pahpschmir, i must kill Pahpschmir". On the upside, Rene Auberjonois (BENSON, DEEP SPACE NINE) makes a lovely villain.
12) Angels on Wheels *
Undercover at the roller derby, the cheese is pretty moldy, including an especially hokey car bomb scene. Dick Sargent (Bewitched) enlivens things, but not nearly enough.
13) Angel Trap **
Farrah and Fernando Lamas very nearly create poignance.
14) The Big Tap Out **
A cutesy little cat-and-mouse episode.
15) Angels on a String **
The lovely and charming Theodore Bikel (THE AFRICAN QUEEN, Worf's father) is wasted on a middling episode.
16) Dirty Business ****
This'ns what we in the bidness call a big mac. It's got everything (except some prime Bosley). It starts out slow, but Jill has her most touching romantic scenes, the climax is as smashing as it gets, there's a porno version of Little Bo Peep, plus a trippy ambience found in no other episode. The only one helmed by Bill Bixby (THE INCREDIBLE HULK, KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE). Thank you, Bill.
17) The Las Vegas Connection **
Well-conceived, well-executed, not much sizzle, and two rarities...actual dramatic monologues.
18) Terror On Ward One **
Curiously, putting Jill in a nurse's outfit results in the least sexy episode of the season, notable only for a singularly dark scene of Jill methodically emasculating a defenseless suspect.
19) Dancing in the Dark ***
Cupid is in the air, as hunky bad guy Dennis Cole meets future wife Jaclyn. Jill goes undercover as a dance instructor, and her verbal acclaim of all things disco is a delight. The ending loses coherence, but Jill's bowling alley takedown of Dennis, with a ball right down the lane, is Angel action nonpareil.
20) I Will Be Remembered **
Not for this episode, you won't.
21) Angels at Sea ****
Wheeeeee! The Angels go on a cruise...never mind that their cover is blown and they receive death threats even before they board. These and other plot points are groaning at the seams, but sometimes you've just gotta bend over and smile, cause it feels so good. We've got a naked Bosley and killer steam! We've got a murderer taking pot shots at them, but they still head off to bed in separate cabins. We've got three simultaneous bomb defusals that put the "max" in climax. And most of all, we have an over-the-top insane baddie by Mr. Frank Gorshin! Wheeeeee! Spinning off Hollywood impersonations like water off a demented duck's back, Frank elevates this one to pop culture nirvana. Let's include this in a Gorshin-a-thon, with his turns in STAR TREK, BUCK ROGERS, and BATMAN's "Ring Around the Riddler".
22) The Blue Angels ****
Starbuck! Faceman! Dirk Benedict!! The producers didn't know Farrah would be leaving, so there's no "exit" plotline. How she catapulted into the pop stratosphere couldn't be more of a non-mystery. She made Jaclyn, one of the most beautiful women in TV history, look like a wet rag. She gave America something we'd never seen. Holy-good-god-almighty-above, say it with reverence...nipples. It was mostly simple physiology. The caprices of evolution gave this young woman from Texas two nipples so pokey they resembled beautiful, oversized erasers. It's possible that she had them iced before her scenes, but it's also possible there was no need. Nearly every episode, they came bursting out of one of her costumes. Week in, week out, she somehow scored the lion's share of the action sequences too. In this one, she takes down a bad guy from eight feet away with an aluminum pie tin. Chew on that, Wonder Woman! Bend over and pucker, Zena! On top of it all, she had such a sweet, accessible, open quality (those nipples might have been obvious and trashy on anyone else). In her final scene, she's down on the floor with Bosley, demonstrating some of the massage moves she'd learned undercover. Sigh. America never had a chance.
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