Butt

Your butt is like two loaves of bread

rising in the oven

I'll knead your cheeks for weeks and weeks

Are you ready for the lovin'?

Cuddles!

General-purpose cuddle

Electromagnetic cuddle

Thermometric cuddle

Petrol cuddle

Nail cuddle

Pipe cuddle

Smoke cuddle

Time cuddle

Improvised explosive cuddle

Cluster cuddle

Non-conventional cuddle

Pressure-cooker cuddle

Glide cuddle

Bouncing cuddle

Car cuddle

Barrel cuddle

Laser guided cuddle

Unguided cuddle

Flour cuddle

Stink cuddle

Massive Ordinance Air Blast cuddle

Smart cuddle

Dumb cuddle

Suicide cuddle

Molotov cuddle

Suitcase cuddle

Anti-personnel cuddle

Cobalt cuddle

Napalm cuddle

Bunker buster cuddle

Atomic cuddle

Hydrogen cuddle

Neutron cuddle

Mother of all cuddles

Dirty cuddle

pre-existential angst

Don't screw it up, mom
Or we'll never be born!
Don't blow this one, dad
Ain't she sexier than porn?
Don't fuck it up, ma
Don't overanalyze!
Don't bungle this, pa
Keep your eyes 'tween the thighs!
Don't goof it up, mums
Your divinest dicking yet!
Don't drop this one, pops
You're so stiff! She's so wet!
Don't muck it up, mere!
He's not afraid of your worst
Don't dare err, sweet pere!
She's ripe and ready to burst
Don't muff it, mi madre
Cryings, crappings, 4AM feedings
Don't pass by, mi padre
You deserve SO many breedings!
Don't hash it, mummy
A tummy with NO baby?
Don't bumble this, daddy!
We'll give you a tit...maybe
Don't mess it up, 'rents
This ain't about YOU!
Don't flub this one!
We've got our own fucking to do!
Don't botch this, 'rents!!
We're so pukingly adorable
Don't screw it up!!!
This waiting is deplorable...

lucky lou in left

Lucky lou lonaghan was the worst fielder ever
and that was his saving grace
He was so wretched fans came in droves
In the lineup he always had a place
He played for the Beanville Bats, where Bat fans wore lucky lou hats
(that's not bats as in balls and bats but bats as in flyin' rats)
Beanville had a center fielder though, the greatest of 'em all
Screamin' sue biobaku had rocket feet and could leap any wall!
They couldn't put lou in right, that was the home of big tater
Big tater yang had a shotgun arm, but was slower than a busted elevator
He swung big lumber at the plate, then lumbered to the field alas
How that home crowd cringed when tater took to the grass
Together the most entertaining outfield humyn eye had ever seen
It was snack time when Beanville was up, but magic time when they hit the green
At the plate lou played with savvy and skill, but for a swell bunt nobody swoons
No, it was lou's larks in the field that turned quiet folk to howling loons
Every single play a disaster waiting
Batters who hit his way started celebrating
Sue covered more field than a retractable dome
But too far from tater she never could roam
A shallow pop to lou made a batter sing
It was like lou's glove had some hidden spring
Line drives would leave lou lying on his belly
Was his glove slick-coated with petroleum jelly?
But mostly, what made folks hide their eyes was when lou looked up at lofty pop flies
He would circle and circle and circle, seeking some perfect spot to tread
When at last that sphere returned to Earth it would land right on lou's head
Finally lou threw his glove in the trash, without any remorse or regret
After that he just grabbed his hat and waved it like a butterfly net!
He'd catch a few too, maybe one of every four!
(a higher percentage than he'd fielded before)
And for those pop-ups, he finally got wise and took his batting helmet to the field
He'd stand under those descending balls, on his pate a polypropylene shield
If a ball knocked his noggin it would bounce back in the air
Then he'd brandish his cap, that intrusive missile to snare
Why, lou became so good at the angles he could bounce most flies to sue
(give sue an extra few seconds and she always knew just what to do)
Whenever the Bats were ahead, into the stands lou might bounce a ball
He was kindhearted like that, and knew it meant more fun for all
So how did lou get the nickname lucky?
A scattershot of scornful irony?
No no, it was a happy reminder
of the greatest play the world ever did see
One day lou was circling, circling, trying to spy a pop fly overhead
He suddenly tripped over his own feet and went down like falling into bed
As he lay there stunned the ball went "SPLUNK"
As usual, avoiding the ground
But this time it didn't find his head
It landed square on his buttock mound
In later years the media he'd tease
saying he gave his cheeks a quick squeeze
Maybe that's true, or maybe not
but that ball stayed glued right to that spot
The batter was out, lou had saved the day!
Shoulder-high, his team carried him away
And today, the only thing lou fields are queries
He's happy to, for with that catch the Bats won the Series

more

I sought sage advice
from my poetry mentor
The wizened words came back
"Less is more, less is more"

I shared each new poem
but was ever shown the door
with the echoing words
"Less is more, less is more"

I whittled, i pared, i tossed
verses and verbiage to the floor
This dictum became my grail
"Less is more, less is more"

Still my minimaler musings
did not make my mentor adore
My sensei serenely smiled
"Less is more, less is more"

Then one night apollo appeared
and calliope came to my door
I saw in a fevered vision
poems of one word each, and no more!

Poems to put the world on its ear
and transform life forevermore!
Trembling, i raised my quill
to let sage sublimity soar

But then a fearful shudder
through my tearful spirit tore
What if other poets claimed
they'd made MY masterpieces before??

A plague of plagiarization
might be skulking in store!
What if i were guttered while others
took my flowers to the fore?

My brilliance was too dangerous
It might destroy me, i'd be done for!
Might my light even incite
unending, world-wasting war?

Babies devouring parents
Sanity nevermore to restore
Womankind lying only with beasts
This peril i could not ignore

So look for me in alleyways
Offer one penny, and no more
And i'll whisper poetic perfection
while the drunken hobos snore

sinner frankie

Is it raining hard in frisco?
Only freedom's air can get me right
I'm a post-industrial peon raised on TV
and fast food and intimacy fright
Think i'll hop me a freight train
because i'm feeling so blue
Maybe just maybe somebody left
MY heart in San Francisco too?
Oh somebody tell me, tell me
where can Philmo Street be found?
Is free love truly dead?
Gotta be some around!
Are we all just dreaming androids?
Maude's gone, but harold might be cool
Don't want my body invaded or snatched
I'm adrift in mrs. robinson's pool
Searching for a tribe or flower child
A healer, howler, hugger, a...booker
Isn't this where captain kirk went
before he became t.j. hooker?
Did the Alcatraz birdman tell his friends
to go fuck up tippi hedren?
Look! Above the Golden Gate!
007 dick-swinging with chris walken!
And there! Saget and the olsens
having a menage e trois!
Chekov needs nuclear wessels
(i think they're in Alameda)
Will California girls (i mean wimyn!)
find me a priceless prize?
No maneaters please (though i do like
what's between ms. stone's thighs)
No amy, i don't believe in luck
and this world offers damn few joys
But listen! It's "Eyes of the World"
played by jerry and the boys!
Is that summer of love now
a woeful winter of ill will?
Not if i throw off my clothes
and play ukulele on Hippie Hill

pond scum

I'm swimming in pond scum
I love it, i love it!
All your haute cuisine?
Just take it and shove it
I'm nibbling pond scum
I adore it, i adore it!
All your gourmet fare?
I deplore it, i deplore it
I'm gulping pond scum
I revere it, i revere it
All your dainty delicacies
smell like beer shit, beer shit
I'm happy in pond scum
Yes, happy as can be
For pond scum is ambrosia
to atomic mutants like me

manglish

All assholes have assholes
But not all dicks have dicks
Can a boob have boobs?
Are there pricks with no pricks?
No pussies have pussies
yet all twats have a twat??
Are some wankers not wankers?
English makes me distraught
All heels have heels
And all brains have brains
though some cunts have no cunt?
This language gives me pains

magic icosahedron

Dear magic icosahedron,

Are you a ridiculous, superstitious talisman?

AS I SEE IT, YES

Is astrology crap?

SIGNS POINT TO YES

Is belief in an afterlife just a reflection of our fear?

IT IS DECIDEDLY SO

Will i ever be loved for who i really am?

BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW

Would i want to know what people really think of me?

MY REPLY IS NO

If i always tell the truth, will i get laid?

MY SOURCES SAY NO

Will the National Organization of Women stage a non-violent revolution, and establish the world's first totally egalitarian, democratic society?

Cannot predict NOW

Have i missed out on the most amazing relationships of my life, because of their insecurity or mine?

YES - DEFINITELY

Are most of my relationships crap, because i'm lonely and settle for less?

MOST LIKELY

Am i fooling myself that my best days are ahead?

YOU MAY RELY ON IT

Will i die bloody and screaming?

OUTLOOK GOOD

If i take off my shoes and pants, will i be able to count to twenty-one?

DON'T COUNT ON IT

Is there a god?

REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN

Is there a god?

ASK AGAIN LATER

Is there a god?

CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN

Is there a god??

IT IS CERTAIN

Are you fucking with me?

WITHOUT A DOUBT

If you took away my vanity and conceit, would there be anything left?

OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD

Am i going to have sex with someone reading this?

YES

Are they going to have sex with me?

VERY DOUBTFUL

maya the magic papaya

Maya the magic papaya
had a perspicacious pedigree
She was born on a bough, born on a bough
born on a bough of a bayberry tree
The bayberries gave her minimal approval
They circulated a petition of removal
Maya gave a blushing smile
Meditating on mean folk a while
A prickly pear named lou
shouted "What the hell are you??"
A crab apple called abu
opined "A mutant honeydew?"
A pomegranate named janet
thought maya from some far planet
A jujube named haboob
called her a redneck rube
A java plum named haversham
labeled maya a lousy bum
A muskmelon started yellin'
that maya looked a likely felon
An ackee named jacqui
said "I wanna give her a smackee"
A mangosteen named armaleen
spat at maya and caused a scene
A lychee named aneeki
said "She looks kinda sweet to me"
Maya and aneeki jumped to the ground
Soon they were rolling and playing around
They plopped in a stream and sailed to a river
Aneeki kissed maya and made her quiver
They soon met a murder of magic crows
and flew away to worlds nobody knows

trickle trickle

I deliver furniture in the swankier parts of the Bay
Roaming the retreats of the rich most every day
Mountain lairs, architectural wonders
Mundane monstrosities, tasteless blunders
We went to Atherton to pick up a bed
Some simple reupholstery is what they said
for a venerated rapper and his vapid songbird bride
Their pool house had chandeliers inside
Fame he'd found as a poet of the mean streets
Now his guest bed has 2000 thread count sheets
We started disassembling, and to our dismay
the headboard was nine feet tall, i'd say
The cloth pristine, but they'd wearied of the color
They wanted something a bit less duller
Their personal assistant said with a cluck
"It weighs 400 lbs, please trot it out to your truck"
My partner and i heaved this monstrous load
Our parking space half a mile down the road
Then the diva bride gave a gasp and cry
"I've turned my ankle", she said with a sigh
The assistants fanned her and fluttered about
as the rapper released a stressed-out shout
"Lay her on the headboard!", he cried with a shriek
"The platinum golf cart don't arrive 'til next week!"
"Take her to the main house!", he roared like a lord
The assistants eased her up and called the switchboard
We struggled on our way, with neck veins popping
We requested a rest, but they'd have no stopping
We unloaded at the infirmary, then they shooed us on
When we got to our truck, everyone was gone
Now i'm not greedy, i don't like to whine
but perhaps some little tip was in line?
I've seen the rich with insider's eyes
though this moral might not be a surprise
Old rich and new rich seem much the same to me
They've all got the urologists's view of a trickle-down economy

four girlfriends

I've got four girlfriends
but i'd give 'em up for you
(if love-hoarding appeals
to your darwinian view)

Radhika gives me rubbing
Bethany brings blank checks
Suki is silly and smart
and perzsika is pure sex

But i'll drop 'em all for you
if that's what you want me to do
Though they might love you too
(suki would never let you be blue)

And i AM a bit high-maintenance
A massage plus two-hour sex each day
And you REALLY might love perszika
(i'll be frank; she goes either way)

But i'll give 'em up for you
if your caring precludes sharing
I only want eleven kids
Are you ready? Are you raring?

seven divorces

Ahh first love! The sky so blue!
Upon bended knee, he promised to be true
Upon her list, he hit all the checks
Daddy and mommy loved him, as did puppy rex
Their wedding year 300 carnal couplings did they share
Their second year 200, quite the randy pair
Their third year 100, still good romance in the air
Their fourth year 50, no cause for despair
Their fifth year 30 - a little too rare?
Their sixth year 20, the magic no longer there
Their seventh year - 2 (and too obligatory to bear)
If you wonder who finally said goodbye
you might blame the stars for shining on high
Divorce in hand, she resolved to do better
She set out to become a romantic go-getter
She would sample love from every angle
She even tried threesomes (and one quadrangle)
Finally she found the one she wanted 'til the end
He adored her - he was her best, best friend
She was using her head, not her heart
He wanted babies, he was ready to start
Their wedding day, she went off the pill
and her chemistry changed - her lust for him went still
Her carnal cravings had turned to rot
Her head loved him, but her ovaries - not
She tried her best to make it right
but when no child came they gave up the fight
One reboundy day she met a man
with model looks and a Hollywood tan
They wed among the roses in june
But she found him in the maid on their honeymoon
Divorce number three, come on down!
Still she knew there was someone better around
She met a foreign prince, and off her feet did she slip
but his highness was a con, seeking citizenship
Then she followed her hormones and married for lust
but his latin love was jealous and full of mistrust
She met a musician, whose songs made her swoon
His lovemaking was brilliant, but a five-minute tune
She married a philanthropist, just the goodest guy
They adopted seven orphans by and by
But parenthood will change you - JUST YOU TRY
He cleaned out her accounts and left her high and dry
A rich man offered to care for her brood
He was ninety-three, and not a statuesque nude
But kids have tummies, and stews must be stewed
Their wedding night she needed hard liquor to get in the mood
He died before long - at least she knew she was set
But there were earlier wives and kids she'd never even met
When it was all doled out, she realized with regret
that she wasn't set yet - she had minimum income net
So she worked all day, and loved her kids at night
with no time for herself and less for mr. right
Strangers showed concern over her sorry plight
but they had their own problems, care as they might
What's the moral, when all has come to pass?
What can we learn from this matrimonial morass?
Whether it be gold or whether it be brass
chasing a ring will kick your silly ass

funny

Are drunks funny?
Are skunks funny?
Is stuttering funny?
Is muttering funny?
Are puns funny?
Big buns funny?
Are guns funny?
Are the runs funny?
Is cross-dressing funny?
Pope-blessing funny?
Is revelation funny?
The jewish nation funny?
Is your workday funny?
The KKK funny?
How about nose hair?
Perhaps an electric chair?
Is money funny?
Is funny money funny?
Is suicide funny?
Astroglide funny?
Is falling down funny?
Are wedding gowns funny?
Are accents funny?
Farting in tents funny?
Is fake hair funny?
Is welfare funny?
Is making a face funny?
The human race funny?
Is life funny?
Domestic strife funny?
Bad breath funny?
Your death funny?

maybe

I've nothing to say
to save the world today
I've nary a word
I'm a creative turd
Maybe i'm uninspired
Maybe my mind is mired
in the love i have not
or ideas i've forgot
Maybe i'm on a mountain
or splashing in a fountain
Maybe i'm having sex
with a woman named tex
Maybe i'm reading The Iliad
or watching a movie that's really bad
Maybe i've been chased up a tree
Maybe you're there with me?
Maybe it's just a fun day
Come back next Monday
Maybe it's a blues day
I'll try again Tuesday...

picky eater

I eat pepper now, pops!
I like it on potato
I even eat onions
(yummy on my plate-o)
Did you think i'd ever
go near a black olive?
I eat the green ones now too
That's the way we should all live!
And that tragic episode
with those sprouts from brussel?
I eat 'em now like momeye
with her spinach-built muscle

All the misery you inflicted
coz' i was picky picky picky
You couldn't wait a decade
for me to pass icky icky icky?

Of course, some of that stuff
i was right about all along
Beets are pure evil
On that i wasn't wrong!
And peas? Irredeemable
There ain't no maybe
(except for maybe
le seur baby)
And sardines and liver and cantal?
If only you'd had a crystal ball
to see me eating
no animal at all
And that NASTIEST OF NASTIES
you call a mushrOOm?
Still a roadway to retchery
A driveway to dOOm

So maybe you should have just
offered what you enjoy
without bribery, bully, or ploy
That's the way to treat
a picky girl or boy

Pass the pepper

big gals

In the U.S. of A.
you'd best love the big gals!
Restricted to thinnies
you'll find few pals

Soft skin, mondo melons
That's worth some toil
She wants a massage?
Bring a whole tub of oil!

Heaven's still hiding
Between those thunder thighs
Your cock may seem small
But that's relative size!

Occupy her mouth
with more than mere food
She might shed some pounds
(not to be rude)

Well-sexed is happy
And happy is healthy
And healthy is thin
(my thinking be stealthy)

ninja 2

I humped a little ninja today
Oh, he didn't enjoy it much
And frankly, neither did i
It was one of those days

me

I love me
'Coz me loves i
Never been a doubt
Me's a standup guy

Me doesn't care
If i get stinky
Have a zit on my nose
Or wave my little winky

Me doesn't judge
Doesn't berate
Doesn't fix my shirt
Or question my weight

Me touches my penis!
Like every single day
I'm devoted to me
For me i'd be gay

Me doesn't mind
If i've no life plan
And watch geek TV
Not a penny in hand

If i sing a happy tune
While farting at the moon
Me just farts and sings too
For you see
I truly love me
And truly we both love you

ninja

I beat the shit out of a little ninja today
Oh, he was fast
and he hit me a few ways i never saw comin’

But i got my hands on him
and that
was that

2007