Not-Ends 50

Where will the euphemistic degradation of our language end? "NEWS FLASH, HOLLYWOOD: Nick Reiner passed away his parents last night."

Why do we have godparents, but not devilparents?

Romantically, young men have patience with no humility, and old men have humility with no patience. Sorry, ladies.

Having a baby is like saying, "I've got nothing to do for the next eighteen years, AND i'm a big fan of ingratitude!" Are you INSANE?? Who would do that?

To believe in god, is to declare that there's nothing you won't believe in.

Never believe anything anyone tells you. Including what you tell yourself.

I'm not like most men. I don't want to fuck ALL wimyn. Just the ones who don't look like me.

Rejecting common sense is just good common sense.

Red-Baring: a television series that starts with a burst of sexy nudity, then devolves into PG flaccidity.

If a womyn wants a man to be long-term monogamously faithful, the smartest thing she can do is to buy him a nuru massage once a week (she cannot provide this service herself - that would undo her intended manipulation).

Should she also stipulate that it never be the SAME nuru therapist? Perhaps. In any case, he will eagerly agree. And the whole ploy might actually work, pulling off a minor miracle indeed.

not-ends 49

There are two kinds of people. Those who know they're idiots, and those who don't.

Do you know who makes smart romantic choices? Nun.

The good ones are always taken, or gay. The great ones are both.

Chewbacca is a bigfoot. Why do we dance around that? It's han solo and bigfoot. Am i wrong?

I wouldn't mind makeup if the numbers were reversed...if the proportion of wimyn who DO and DON'T wear makeup were flipped. Otherwise, when something like makeup becomes a cultural imperative, that's when you know a society is broken.

Humility is not "i'm not worthy". Humility is "i might be wrong".

Bathrooms have evolved to have two sinks side by side, for couples. Will we soon have two toilets side by side? Oh, i hope so.

What do you call drivers who can't drive without lightly hitting other cars? Dentists.

The only way to face the sadness of this world, is wrapped in a blanket of silliness.

Are there any athletes who point to god when they make a BAD play? Wouldn't that be awesome?

MAMA. Make America Matriarchal Again.

not-ends 32

There are only two ceremonies i refuse to attend - marriage and funeral. Come to think of it, there's only one kind.

The first freedom is freedom from family. The second freedom is freedom from friends. The third freedom is freedom from lover. The final freedom is freedom from self.

Do you suppose there was anyone waiting in heaven to slut-shame god the day he got mary pregnant?

Once upon a time, workers had to fight for the right to work only ten hours a day. Then it was the struggle for eight hours. The people celebrated. How many million americans work two jobs...and who's laughing now?

The average human farts fourteen times a day. Factor in the number of viewers on this site at any given moment, and i've calculated that in the time it takes you read this, another viewer just farted. It was you, wasn't it?

I am sick of all this bullshit about "the greatest american generation". It's inaccurate AND misplaced. The men who fought WWII simply did what they were told. The moral credit for that war belongs to the soldiers' fathers and grandfathers. They saw that benito, tojo, and adolf were dominating and exploiting the weak, and said "Wait a minute - that's OUR job".

Winter fishermen have well-drilled iceholes.

The greatest obstacle to human progress is our capacity for self-delusion.

Did you ever notice that jewish women are amazing in bed, and jewish men lousy? Anybody have a line on that?

I bought a shirt at a garage sale that read "Jingle Bells, All Girls Smell". I thought i could wear it ironically. But when i tried, i just couldn't do it. So i got my scissors out, and snipped away the "m"...and now i can wear it! It's still repulsive (and selectively persecutorial, as men sell themselves just as fervently as women), but now it's at least ironically repulsive and conversation-provoking.

Studies have revealed that in every humyn society, the three happiest words are identical. A nobel-winning scientist has postulated that if we combine these words into one phrase, and make that phrase part of every culture, poverty and war might soon end. Those three words? "Naked boobie hug". It's time for the naked boobie hug world peace movement.

not-ends 33

I'm convinced there are some wimyn (not all, mind you) who wake up and think, "Well, WHAT shall i do with my breasts today?" And maybe they decide to take their breasts for a bike ride. So they do. And maybe i pass them, and they smile at me as though i know exactly what they're doing. And i DO know! Bless them, i say. I might do the same if i could.

Occasionally (after a decade or three of searching) some people stumble across this spiritual truth - whenever someone says something bad about you, do NOT take it personally. Very, very few go on to the deeper truth - whenever someone says something good about you, do NOT take it personally.

Nine of ten people will think about suicide at some point. It's the 10% who fascinate me.

Racism ain't about yellow, pink, or brown - only the green that ain't spread around.

Bumper sticker: FUNCTIONAL IS DYSFUNCTIONAL

Theories abound over whether meat-eating makes humans more aggressive. Here's another - a circumcised infant will have trust issues forever.

The moment you objectify your life, is the moment you objectify everybody you know.

If someone sticks their head far enough up their ass, will they eventually get a view of the world again by peeking out their own throat?

The great american question of the 17th century - who are these pink-skinned assholes? The great american question of the 18th century - what loyalty is owed a government that keeps rich men from their profits? The great american question of the 19th century - what loyalty is owed a government that tolerates racial slavery? The great american question of the 20th century - what loyalty is owed a government that tolerates gender slavery? The great american question of the 21st century - what loyalty is owed a government that tolerates poverty?

Actually, there will be a second great question of the 21st century - what loyalty is owed a government that tolerates other-animal slavery. We're going to have to double up on great questions this century.

The only honest love song in the history of pop music? "Love for Sale".

not-ends 36

I'm declaring a change in the english language - i'm eliminating the word "man", and replacing it with "wowoman". What's that, wowomen? You say you suddenly feel like a subset of women, and not a whole person anymore? Hmm...why don't you go meditate on that for a while?

I am about to become the only male who ever has, or ever will, tell you the truth. I have no interest in a womyn's mind. There is only one womyn's body part that interests me, at all. Her leg. If i couldn't pull a womyn's leg at least once a day, i wouldn't want to live.

Would you believe me if i told you that over 80% of rapists and 90% of serial killers were circumcised?

Herculean labors don't impress me. My own labors involve making people understand that Russia was never communist...and after that, making them understand that America has never been a democracy. In comparison, diverting a river to wash some stables sounds like a nice weekend in the country.

Sometimes the childlike person is the only adult in the room.

We are taught not to be honest, but look honest. We are taught not to be moral, but look moral. We are taught not to be happy, but look happy.

The most mathematically destructive phrase in the english language? "Private property"...because it combines two of the top-twenty most destructive words. And really, isn't private property the most ridiculously redundant phrase around? If something is private, isn't propertyhood implied? If we see a gate that says "private", does anyone imagine that they're asking us to not steal their nice gate, but we should feel free to enjoy the land beyond? So why do we use this ridiculous phrase? Because "private" by itself sounds mean, and people (especially rich people) like to bullshit themselves into thinking we're less mean than we really are.

The only time to EVER give advice is when the same person asks for it thrice.

It's not "victim mentality" to acknowledge victimhood. If you were born into a culture of fear, alienation, and repression (and you were), it is reality avoidance to suggest we just need to tweak our mindset. Humyns are social creatures, and our biological needs include daily doses of love, play, and sex. To be a person, we need other people. You can't fix your life by force of will, and anyone who says you can is selling you something.

What are the only seven words that can save our species? END THE VIOLENCE OF PROFIT AND POVERTY.

It gives me no end of amusement to know that the abbreviation for Valentine's Day is V.D. That, dear friends, is called poetry.

not-ends 37

You know how you can take out books from some libraries, and return them to another branch, where they shelve rather than return them? I've started taking out as many books at a time from my local library as i can, and returning them to other branches. I do this every day. I don't even read them. I calculate it will take another nine and a half months to empty the library entirely.

American wimyn have more negative feelings about their bodies than wimyn anywhere else in the world. What's America's biggest global export? Culture.

Screw-on sound amplifier for small-caliber handguns - made up, or actual thing?*

I've got a brilliant angle on people who are drawn to the "wounded" or "lost" ones - perhaps we shouldn't try to psychoanalyze them in terms of what they're attracted to, but rather what they're AVOIDING. Anyone who can manage to convince themselves that they're NOT wounded is in about seventeen kinds of denial, and it would probably be exhausting to have a relationship with them. So an affinity for the wounded ones, rather than being self-defeating, might be the only semi-sane solution around.

Malcolm x, abdul-jabbar, ali...i have the utmost respect for blacks who reject their slave names. The unmitigated arrogance of white people - to not just enslave humyn beings, but then name those slaves jefferson or washington or jackson? So...how do i reject my slave master name? Obviously religious fundamentalism is out. Hmmm...since i only use one name currently, perhaps i should add a second? Something peaceful, like wrob daffodil? Or deferential, like wrob africa? I'm open to suggestions here.

Yogurt soda - made up, or actual thing?*

For thousands of years, the inferiority of wimyn has been justified by eve's being "born of adam's rib". Now that we know that all fetuses are female at first, must we henceforth declare men inferior to wimyn?

The equivalent of "ballsy" would be "ovariesy"...or maybe "eggsy". Yeah, linguistically, i don't think either of those are going to catch on...

Believers either have one foot in heaven, which makes them halfway somewhere else, or they think god is in the room too. So you can have a one-on-1/2 conversation, or a one-on-1.5 conversation, but a one-on-one conversation with a believer never really seems to be an option.

Perfume made from the pheromones of rich people - made up, or actual thing?*

The correct translation of eve's name? "Life". Gee, i wonder why the church bungled that one? Adam and life.

*made-up, made-up, actual

not-ends 38

Want to know why straight males are intimidated by lesbians? It's not the thought that wimyn don't need a penis...it's the thought that we should be able to satisfy them EVEN WITHOUT ONE. When it comes to sex, that wing dang dingle down there is pretty much our only trick. It's not much of a trick...we know, we know.

True skill in hurting others requires endless practice at hurting oneself.

Wouldn't it suck if you choked to death because you didn't take a breath before you took a bite, and there wasn't enough air in your lungs for a good heimlich?

The only problem i have with the research that demonstrates non-believers are more intelligent than believers, is this - what if it's a case of confusing cause and effect? Are intelligent people more prone to non-belief, or does non-belief make one smarter?

Know how some music open mics have a one-song limit? I'm going to write a political song called "Filibuster". It will be twenty-seven hours long.

After 9/11, americans lost some civil liberties. But it's alright - we weren't using them anyway.

Whenever i pass a Church of the Living God, i always think "Doesn't that imply that somewhere there must be a church of the dying god?" I can never find that church in my neighborhood.

You have two choices in this world - self-deception or self-destruction. The more "normal" you are, the closer your balance is between the two.

If you absolutely cannot avoid a religious debate with a believer, try these two questions:
1) If you'd been born in another culture, would you be a (insert "wrong" religion of their choice)?
2) If there were no god, would some people believe in one anyway?
If you get any kind of rational response, DON'T PRESS YOUR LUCK. Get out while you can.

There is only one path to being really and truly alive. Get over yourself.

If i had a time machine, i'd go to 1953, abduct elizabeth taylor (eight marriages), go to 1378, abduct Henry VIII (six marriages), bring them back to the present and strand them on a desert island. Now THAT'S a reality TV show.

not-ends 39

So there are two Beatles and two Monkees still alive...hello?? Supergroup???

In any city or town, what are the three most numerous buildings? Bars, churches, and beauty salons. Once you realize that our culture's three most sacred cows are superstition, vanity, and reality-escape, everything else suddenly makes sense.

Coolest name ever for a lesbian bar? Shelixir.

My biggest issue with the psychiatric profession is this - the notion that most people's problems are in their head is patently untrue (and there are choice words for those who profit through deception). If we want to seriously deal with the problems we face, we should start getting our therapeutic counseling from sociologists, not psychologists.

In schools for the deaf, how do substitute teachers get the students to stop talking?

If you ever wonder why some men seem to get morbidly lost in guilt over what history has done to wimyn, it's not abstract feminist outrage - these men are mourning the fact that wimyn have been so damaged, there is almost zero likelihood that any of us will ever have a healthy sexual relationship. We're not just mourning for wimyn, we're mourning for ourselves.

Every day a million people call in sick, but no one calls in healthy. I called in healthy sixteen years ago, and they haven't seen me since.

The biggest misconception about evolution is that it's an upward process. It's not. It's only forward.

Wouldn't it be funny if conservatives succeeded in getting full citizenship rights for fetuses, and then liberals succeeded in getting welfare funding for being pregnant?

I've never understood why wimyn put up with men. I am dead earnest. Men...are...odious. And don't get me wrong, wimyn are...fucked up. But even the best of men, are a bit odious. There are almost no odious wimyn...and the only ones who are, are trying to be like men.

I predict that within another century or three of humyn evolution, the entire process of menstruation will take about seven minutes. From the first stirrings of PMS to the final drop, seven minutes. And by the time that happens, humynity will be so feminine-positive that most wimyn in northern climates will go for a pantsless walk in the snow whenever they feel menstruation coming, so they can shed their uterine linings in a beautiful red spray against a white background. Seeing the spot, passersby will smile, knowing a powerful womyn was there.

not-ends 41

"It is those who have the least, who give the most." The first step in understanding the truth of these words is to go to the town square, put out a hat, and start playing songs.

Science has finally discovered why wimyn live longer than men - apparently there are far more wives curious about being widows than previously assumed.

Psychiatric therapy makes people normal...but that was the problem in the first place.

Best contradiction-in-terms ever? Business ethics.

Has it never occurred to anti-abortion advocates that if they had devoted all their resources to research making contraception cheap, non-bothersome, and foolproof, the problem would already be over?

Say the word "bible" slowly over and over, putting a break between the syllables. So often, we miss the truth that's been staring at us all along.

I find prostitution abhorrent...but if i'm ever rich, i'm going to keep $10,000 in my pocket, so i can tell a stranger that i'll give her all the money on me if i can stick my tongue in one of her holes - her choice of hole. Considering the gender wage gap, i'll be able to write it off as charity, too.

Why do we have the word "manhandle", but not "womynhandle"? What would that even mean? Isn't it time we found out?

The only time i mind the strange looks i get for being a feminist, is when that look comes from a womyn.

Science has long sought to understand what makes humyns unique, not grasping the flaw in that premise. But perhaps there IS one singularly humyn quality - we are the only creatures able to blind ourselves to not just the pain of others, but our own as well.

The only movie that told the truth about love? "King Kong".

not-ends 43

I'm going to start a magazine devoted to health and self-image issues for testicles. I'm calling it The Gonadvocate.

My diatribes against makeup are sometimes met with scorn by third-wave feminists who say they've reclaimed makeup in the name of personal expression, sometimes wearing it in ways not approved by the patriarchy. To that i say, IF you're not deluding yourself, that's brilliant! But how is your choice affecting the vast majority of wimyn who are less self-actualized? Are you burying them deeper in double standards and financial chains?

The only sensible time to commit a crime is during the fall daylight savings time shift, when there are two 12:42AMs. But officer, i CLEARLY have an alibi for 12:42!

Is there anyone who would be bothered if we made one final half hour shift, then never worry about this daylight savings nonsense again?

Show me the Hollywood director brave enough to do a remake of "The Wizard of Oz", and switch the actors playing the good witch and wicked witch.

I think the other states missed the boat in not following Indiana's lead in capital-naming - Iowapolis in particular, would easily become the tourist mecca of the Midwest. Iawopolis.

If wishes were horses...there would instantly be billions more creatures enslaved and abused.

A slave nation was once founded on the precept "all men are created equal". Yet there's a more subtle contradiction at play. We declared our independence as a protest against being economically exploited...yet we created an economy in which economic exploitation of our own citizens is the most essential and inescapable building block.

If ben franklin had gotten his way and our national bird was the turkey, would we have a national day of gratitude on which we eat an eagle?

The closer you get to sanity, the more likely you'll go insane.

Attention Hollywood! I've got your next mega-blockbuster. It's been in front of our nose the whole time - "Robin Hood vs. Millionaire Bruce Wayne".

not-ends 44

Neil armstrong left four poops on the moon. How long do you think it will be before some ambitious astronaut sees the E-Bay goldmine just laying there?

There are two kinds of people who drink - those who like to drink, and those who like to be around people who drink.

Do you suppose neil buried the poops in moon dust, or just dropped them?

Aren't all these streets re-named for MLK rather missing the mark? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to re-name mountains?

What do fish think of air bubbles floating upward? Imagine if you were walking along, and a huge water bubble burst from the ground and floated straight up?

Anytime four or more people of the same gender gather together, critical thinking is about to get its ass kicked.

Life-Ain't-Fair dept.: Some wimyn have a period, others have an ellipsis.

I am sick and tired of martial arts schools suckering the small-minded with their pretense of "spirituality". Spirituality and ass-kicking are antithetical - end of story.

Do left-handed people have a lower sex drive? They must, else why would there be so few of them!

Sexual dysfunction is everywhere these days. I'm not exempt, i have chronic situational impotence - i can't get an erection with another person, unless that person is giving me a tarot reading. "Oh yeah, baby, ohhhh yeah...ohh who's your queen of cups, who's your queen of cups?"

not-ends 45

The fist bump - America's way of saying "I'm really not comfortable touching other people".

Ah, the broken mirror...fortunately for some, seven years' bad luck is a step in the right direction.

I have anus dermatitis. One of the recommended medical treatments is daily exposure to sunlight. May i get a doctor's note?

Which of the following video games is fake? Super Columbine Massacre!, Muslim Massacre, Custer's Revenge (in which the player dodges arrows to rape an indian tied to a cactus), Rapeplay (in which the player rapes a mother and her adolescent daughters), or Gandhi: The Salty Dog, in which the player leads protesters to the sea to make salt in defiance of colonial occupiers?

How can "softly used" and "hardly used" mean the same thing?

Show me someone wise in the ways of romance, and i'll show you an octogenarian.

To call alcoholism or addiction a disease, is to mangle the meaning of that term beyond recognition. There is no element of choice in cancer. Alcoholism is a behavior that gets ingrained into our synaptic pathways - the more we drink, the larger those pathways become. Pathways can be shrunk again...but to understand how hard that can be, imagine being told that you could never again listen to music. How many days, months, or years would you be able to resist? Do you imagine you would never, ever backslide?

Why do we never hear astrology buffs talking about Uranus being in retrograde?

The most impossible aspect of protecting someone, is choosing whether to protect them from themselves.

T-shirt: (front) VIRGINIA IS FOR LOVERS (back) WEST VIRGINIA IS FOR FUCKERS

The world's biggest secret? Wimyn like sex more than men. In retrospect, it's pretty obvious...

not-ends 35

America's leading export is culture. Here are America's four biggest businesses:
1) Manufacturing machines of death.
2) Selling socially-acceptable liquids that impair judgment and disable inhibitions.
3) Selling an invisible best friend who can do ANYTHING.
4) Selling pieces of paper that might make you instantly rich in a world where babies starve.
That squishy sound you hear may be your head shifting in your ass.

I propose a new Olympic sport - the 100-meter backward sprint.

There are a few words we feminists don't seem to be in a rush to re-brand; i haven't heard anyone talking about a henchperson, flim-flam person, fall person, or con person.

If abortion is a crime, is sex a misdemeanor?

People use the phrase "mind-numbing job" as though there are ANY psychologically healthy, day-after-day eight-hour tasks.

Using their own logic, isn't it fair to ask people who believe in an afterlife, what's after the afterlife?

There's something strange going on in the shift from the word "woman" to "women". The second syllable gets spelled differently, but pronounced the same. The first syllable doesn't change, yet gets a new pronunciation. Something fishy there...

If you think wisdom and serenity go hand in hand, you've experienced neither.

Do i have a "savior complex"? Anyone who doesn't, isn't really paying attention.

How about the backwards long jump? Or the backwards javelin? Hey, don't look at me like i'm crazy - i didn't invent the backstroke.

I hereby institute a new rule for all sexual relationships - the Freebie! When a couple break up, each partner is entitled to one sexual freebie with each other. A Freebie comes with no strings. Conversation is optional. The period in which freebies can be claimed mirrors the length of the given relationship. Thus, if a couple were together eleven months, they each have eleven months to claim their Freebie. If a couple were together for decades, you may have to honor that knock on your door when you're ninety-three (go get 'em, tiger). Dalliances of less than a month get no Freebie privileges. The Freebie must be honored no matter how the relationship ended. I considered exempting wankers from freebie rights, but if you got involved with a wanker, you have no one to blame but yourself.

not-ends 42

So often we celebrate "progress", without thinking about the cost. Like the legalization of pot - has anyone considered what happens to the marijuana dogs? Just retrain them to sniff out bombs or anthrax? Make them service dogs, until they end up drinking away the memories of when life was exciting? How many will end up on the street, with little tin cups? Nobody asks these questions. Nobody cares!

Is it body-shaming to point out fake boobs...or is it shaming body-shaming?

If two guys are fucking sheep, and one realizes that the other is fucking a male, will he say "What the hell is wrong with you??"

Our fascination with futuristic and prehistoric monsters seems endless. Has anyone considered that this is partly because we've driven extinct most of the super-predators we've ever met?

Why do we measure cars in "horsepower"? Doesn't that reinforce the notion that horses are slaves? I'm just saying, if cars had been invented during the slave trade, wouldn't that word have been...i'll let you finish that thought.

Why don't i believe in god? Because 0% of scientific evidence supports it, and 100% of psychological evidence is against it. As a culture, our primary traits are arrogance and fear. Of COURSE we would invent a get-out-of-death-free card. Whether god exists or not, it is INCONCEIVABLE that humans wouldn't invent a get-out-of-death-free card.

Is there anything more frustrating than watching a dvd all the way through, only to discover an unrated version in the special features?

If you add up the times we do the wrong thing, plus the times we do the right thing for the wrong reason, any leftover behavior is statistically insignificant.

The vulcan neck pinch is priceless...but would all those alien species have that nerve in exactly the same spot? Isn't it more realistic that, say, the nerve might be on the buttocks for the butch lesbian race of Alamagorda IV? "Spock, this queen butch lesbian is giving us a lotta sass...can you do something?" "That would be unwise, captain".

Wouldn't it be funny if we died, and discovered there IS an afterlife...but that this life is an easy gift compared to how hard the next one is? Wouldn't that be funny?

Hyena clitorises are larger than hyena penises. Ladies, could you get evolving in that direction? I would fondle ALL your clits if i could find the damn things.

not-ends 40

Understanding human nature by observing people, is like studying bananas by watching monkey poop.

Depression, PTSD...there is a cure for most of the psychological ailments that cripple our society. Force the sufferer to laugh...a lot. Force them to be held...every day. It sounds simplistic, but is more effective (and ridiculously cheaper) than a shrink.

Integrity is measured by scorn, not admiration.

WIDOW: (n.) A person who got very tired of being a wife.

The aforementioned laughter/touch therapy will do nothing to address the root causes of depression...but neither will conventional therapy. The only thing that possibly could is a one-way ticket to Alpha Centauri.

I know that physics doesn't have a sense of humor...yet why, when i sleep, do my top blanket, middle blanket, and sheet each drift in an entirely different direction?

The second-hardest challenge of the spirit path is separating intuition from projection.

Studies reveal that that the average adult operates at the mental level of a sixteen year-old. The truly frightening part of that, as carlin would say, is that half the people are dealing with this world on a LESS than sixteen year-old level.

Belief in god prevents us from seeing the world as it is, which is a staggering obstacle in fixing our problems. Faith encourages the thought that things happen for a reason, and that good and evil are real. This encourages the idea that positivity and negativity are balanced...which is where the believer spins off the tracks, for there is no such balance (inherent or otherwise). Currently, worldly positivity is getting its ass kicked by a stunningly wide margin, and if we prevent ourselves from SEEING that, we will never feel the proper urgency over what we are doing to others, to ourselves, and all life.

Being non-racist is a luxury only white people can afford.

These DVD special features are amazing! I just got the new release of MY DINNER WITH ANDRE, and it includes the long-lost 1928 silent version.

not-ends 47

Humans process reality through head, heart, or hormone. In matters of love & sex, men use only heart and hormone (and if they do use head, they're probably up to no good). Wimyn use head...whether this is because they are more integrated, or is a simple cultural defense mechanism, remains to be seen.

When you're young, it's hard to say no. When you're old, it's hard to say yes.

Heads are idiotic, hormones are honest, and hearts are confused.

Marriage should be ALL about the ring. A married person should be able to transfer their spouse to someone else, simply by slipping their ring on that third person. Wherever the ring goes, the spouse goes!

Hide nothing. Expect nothing.

If money's the root of evil, what's the square root?

The only way to measure whether a man is truly in love? If he has sexual fantasies about a womyn for over a month, and none of her friends or relatives make an appearance.

Religious tolerance is great. Tolerance of religion is not.

If you're not reading books that are painful, you're not reading the right books.

You're not ready to be someone's lover, until it doesn't matter whether you do.

The two most insidious american delusions are that America is a democracy, and Russia and China were communist.

not-ends 34

Why do we refrigerate mushrooms? Are you worried about fungus growing on your fungus?

Death is the most inevitable feature of human existence...but in this culture, death-denial makes a hard push for that top spot.

Women are to makeup, as people of color are to christianity. Put THAT on your SAT.

I get so excited when a politician announces their intention to get "tough on crime". Since poverty is the primary cause of crime, that means they're going to devote their time in office to eliminating poverty, right? That's what they mean, right?

In a dysfunctional society, strangeness becomes the norm, and "normal" people have no clue how strange they really are.

Is there a single man alive who has never wondered whether baby showers involve some kind of ritual bathing of the expectant mother, with female hands all over her naked body? Don't be too hard on men, we're freaking sexually repressed over here.

If abortion became legally MANDATORY for any unmarried or poor woman, all the pro-choicers would quickly join the anti-abortionists to fight that new law tooth and nail. The only frightening part of this equation is realizing how many pro-lifers would decide that abortion is maybe okay after all.

Where is the believer who has enough intelligence to realize that if heaven and hell are real, we are very likely in one of them right now?

I crapped a pretzel today. I don't mean i ate a pretzel yesterday and crapped it today, i mean i left a crap today that lay in the bowl in a perfect pretzel shape. I'm just saying, if that turd had been shaped like a crucifix, i'd be set for LIFE.

One of the most impossible steps on the spirit path is severing your life from the creation and maintenance of your personal mythology. For how can one make such a spiritual leap, without it being a defining moment in your life story?

Always remember, smart people are just intelligent idiots. And if you prove me wrong, you'll prove me right.

not-ends 48

When do i get my forty acres and a four-legged slave?

I can be trusted with anything, except idiotic secrets. And most secrets are idiotic.

Find the one person in your life who tells you they can't be trusted. They might be the only person you CAN trust.

Spiritual humility has nothing to do with a higher power. Spiritual humility is about refusing to believe something simply because you WANT to believe it.

True love is discovering someone is an idiot, and not caring. Come to think of it, that's also the definition of true lust.

Art requires an open heart. Making a living in art requires a closed heart.

Third-wave feminism. Contradiction-in-terms?

Spirituality isn't about power. It's about the absence of power.

God is a test. Not of faith, but intelligence.

All teenagers should be made to look in a mirror and repeat 1000 times, "Sex and love have NOTHING to do with each other."

People tell me they're obsessed with how forgettable i am.

not-ends 46

If you want to go anywhere, you have to start nowhere.

If your relationship can't survive NOT becoming lovers, it will never survive becoming lovers.

The trouble with being two steps ahead, is that you seem one step behind.

Separation of church and state was a brilliant place to start. But this country will never live up to its promise until we have separation of business and state.

Why is son of a bitch a pejorative, but not "daughter of a stud"?

The closer you get to sanity, the lonelier you become.

A sugar-bringing bunny, and tooth-taking fairy. Am i the only one paying attention?

In this world, the only thing you can't buy is a conscience.

The majority of christians take creationism literally, and "turn the other cheek" metaphorically. If those were reversed, christianity might be the only good religion.

Brilliance doesn't look like brilliance, it looks like screwing up.

The world was just notified that America has become the first country to put locks on their port-a-potties. When asked for comment, the world sighed, "Of COURSE they did."

America is the greatest country in the history of the world...which ain't saying much. America is the worst country in the history of the world...which is saying quite a lot.

not-ends 31

You know those claddagh rings? The ones you turn outward or inward, depending on your romantic status? I think there's a simpler way. If you want the world to know that you're looking, just unzip your fly. If you're not, zip that baby right up.

When you can't do the right thing, do the wrong thing the right way.

I don't get cow milk. This is a food nature created for baby cows. Why do we feed it to adult humyns? Don't we stop eating baby food around the age of two? At the very least, why isn't the dairy industry humyn-based? Milk created by people FOR people! Wouldn't that be MUCH healthier? But then we couldn't ignore how ridiculous the whole idea is in the first place. Milk...it does a baby cow good.

There are two kinds of people - those who are damaged by what happened, and those who are damaged by what didn't happen.

There are some people you've known forever, and to whom you mention that you love Blueberry Oat Crunch. You go out of your way to mention that you don't like Blueberry Oat, only Blueberry Oat Crunch. And then one day, with an expectant gleam in their eye, they give you a box of Blueberry Oat.

Every time we speak, we should start with the words "forgive me". I don't know how else to expose all the layers of entitlement, conceit, and manipulation that pervade our every utterance from cradle to grave.

Cheerios has just announced its newest flavor. The new recipe features barley and hops. I'll wait a few seconds for everyone to catch up...

The argument for teaching creationism in public schools is best handled by proposing counter-legislation mandating that in all sermons, equal time be given to a scientist pointing out factual flaws, a sociologist pointing out larger perspectives, and a psychologist explaining why people are drawn to belief.

Capitalism kills conscience. Corporate capitalism kills continents.

The greatest spiritual question is not "Is there life after death?" It's "How do we separate what we think we know, from what we wish to know?"

Is there anything more disconcerting than realizing that the person you've fallen for has HORRIBLE taste in romance?