MST3K!

(Compiling a best-of for MST is like seeking a sailing squirrel in a stupendously subjective sea. The one quantifiable criterion to which i tried to adhere is quality of riffing...but it's so easy to get lost in how agonizingly unwatchable, or wretchedly charming, the source film is.)

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000's GREATEST EPISODES
-WEREWOLF
Arizona archaeologists uncover mysterious skeletal remains...and soon lycanthropes are everywhere! Starring joe estevez and richard lynch. Serial burst-out-loud chuckles are capped by an end-credits music riff that sparks the longest sustained MST-laughter ever.
-RED ZONE CUBA
Mike and the bots are treated to coleman francis' magnum opus, about three drifters who bounce from prison barrack to prison barrack, invading a sovereign nation along the way. A john carradine cameo starts things off with a whimper! Seamless mirth-making (especially of note in the host segments). The badness of RZC is not life-sucking, as you'd be laughing and riffing along, even without prompting. I have an oily cuba zone.
-THIS ISLAND EARTH
Tell the truth...did anyone expect this to stand with MST's best? With no joel, the crew find themselves on unfamiliar ground (onscreen and off), as they try to transplant a seat-of-your-pants cable show into big budget Hollywood. But this 50s sci-fi semi-classic (with russell johnson and bug-eyed, big-brained aliens) is too juicy a target to fail. Ruth!
-HORROR AT PARTY BEACH
On the strength of riffing alone this might only merit honorable mention, but the source material is so bizarrely bad that it's worth watching on its own. This film tries to be a million things: teen beach flick, atomic mutant frightfest, biker film, foster brooks comedy. It utterly fails at all, yet the sum is so much greater (or worse) than the parts. Look Polish?
-CAVE DWELLERS
Just beautifully wretched. The producers commit to a nonsensical, awful concept, and run run run! The mind-numbing flashback exposition is the cinematic equivalent of LSD. But the riffing remains light and loaded. How much o'keefe is in this movie? So many miles.
-MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE
I resisted the hype, but eventually had to agree - the product is bizarro, beyond-the-pale bad, and the riffing above average (even though they commit the offense of making the badness of the movie an in-joke, destabilizing the conceit that they hadn't seen it before). It's hard to appreciate just how awful this film is, if your first experience is the cuddly MST treatment. It's a true cinematic unicorn, a film so appallingly, stunningly strange that you would make your friends watch it, just to see their faces.

MITCHELL

The riffing (like MANOS) dives from great to listless, but mitchell's romancing is just not-to-be-believed, and the saucy skateboarder may be the most hysterically bad moment of cinema ever. Joe don baker is the abe vigoda of joe don bakers (no, i don't know what that means, but it's true).

AGENT FOR H.A.R.M.

Bond wannabe peter mark richman is off to the tricycle races. Ever imagine mr. rogers as a smarmy ass-kicker? Drive!
-SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL
This one makes the cut despite zero charm or weirdness in the source film, a relentlessly formulaic TV movie...yet the riffing falls into a relaxed, laugh-out-loud groove, and never strays.

-I ACCUSE MY PARENTS
The standard against which all riffing is measured? A too-stupid-to-live youth from an alcoholically dysfunctional home progresses from essay contest winner to shoe salesperson to unwitting bag man. He wins the womyn but must go on the lam, where he finds sanctuary with a bible-beating chef. Plus...show tunes! Are joel and the bots happy in their work? It's difficult.

SHORTS
-THE  HOME ECONOMICS STORY, JOHNNY AT THE FAIR, THE TRUCK FARMER, CHEATING, ARE YOU READY FOR MARRIAGE?

HONORABLE MENTION
-SANTA CLAUS, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (MST and Cinematic Titanic), MOON ZERO TWO, THE ATOMIC BRAIN, 12 TO THE MOON, ROCKET ATTACK USA, THE WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN (jaw-dropping, irresistible badness), GIRLS TOWN, IT CONQUERED THE WORLD (greatest awful movie ending ever), THE SHE-CREATURE, SPACE MUTINY, FINAL JUSTICE, STARCRASH (Cinematic Titanic's poke at the most riffable sci fi ever?)

GREATEST POST-CREDITS BUTTON: RADAR SECRET SERVICE

porn

 I've been watching porn.

By porn, i mean the traditional semi-pejorative definition, low-budget movies poorly (or barely) written, created to show bounteous nudity and real fucking.

I've actually seen very little porn in my life, before this. Oh, i adore a little soft-core, NC-17 action, but the literary snob in me always turned up my nose at traditional porn, plus i never much fancied watching others do what i wanted to be doing. If i'm seeking masturbation fodder, some still images artfully done, or the waterfall scene from "Beastmaster", suits me fine.

I'd only ever seen one full-length porn before, as a teenager. It seemed obvious and crass. Plus one anime tentacle film once, which i thought was actually kind of cute.

But last month, i found myself with access to a free porn channel, and i thought i'd see what the fuss was about.

It was pretty much as expected. Dreary, under-written, and badly-acted.

With one unexpected redeeming quality.

It was soooooo non-neurotic. Blessedly, blissfully non-neurotic. There was no angst, no hand-wringing, no "Oh i can't, oh i must, oh i won't, oh i must..." Just humyn beings getting turned on and fucking. Not until you see sex from this perspective, do you appreciated just how neurotic ALL cinematic depictions of sexuality are. In every mainstream movie ever, from NC-17 all the way to G, any time sex or romance are portrayed or invoked, there's inevitably a tinge (or tonnage) of neurotic oppressiveness that accompanies it.

You can't appreciate how pernicious and unhappy all that weight is, until you see something completely free of it.

Of course, my literary tastes prevent me from dwelling overlong in the land of "porn"...but it all makes me long for the obvious hybrid cinematic sub-genre: porn with real acting and real writing. How can there not have been a studio or three devoted to this? ARE there? How can there not be??

Hollywood sucks, and porn sucks.

I want something sexy and non-neurotic that doesn't suck!

Is that so much to ask?

bond, burroughs, and militaraphilia (pt. 3)

(a follow-up to https://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2018/06/bond-burroughs-and-milataraphilia-pt-2.html)

Sigh.
Now we come to the part of the essay that actually causes me a little cringe of genuine embarrassment. If you understand the value i place on self-acceptance, you'll know how huge that is.
I was...a james bond fan.
For a long time.
Not brashly or publicly. Nor that i misunderstood how infantile it was. Nonetheless, something there gnaws...
I saw my first bond at...fourteen? Was it moore or connery? Probably moore. Within a few years i'd seen many, and started reading all the books by ian fleming. By my twenties, i'd seen all the films (including "Casino Royale"). I had my favorites (connery, brosnan, "Dr. No") and least favorites (moore, "Octopussy"). I defended dalton and lazenby, and even had a soft spot for "Never Say Never Again". I had one or two glossy movie guidebooks, plus a well-played cd of the theme songs (Coolest bond sample ever? George michael's "Please Send Me Someone to Love"). One of the few drive-in movies of my life was "For Your Eyes Only"...a memory with magic in it. James was smooth, cheeky, and he got the wimyn. Even though i probably would have denied it, i suppose i wished that were true of me too.
Nonetheless, bond was also sexist, emotionally void, and an icon of glamorized violence. Though "A View to a Kill" is objectively worse, "Octopussy" is the first time i remember being genuinely annoyed by the precious flippancy, the utter disregard for life, and the undeniable misogyny. The movies also deified the paradigm of "bad guy/good guy" - an ethos i'd rejected by my twenties. But i kept coming back. Just harmless. stupid, escapist release?
It wasn't until my forties that i'd pretty much put james behind me. Curse you, john cleese and judy dench, for lending your credibility to such swill (don't think it's not tempting to offer a comprehensive shout-out to all the well-established actors, financially set and professionally secure MANY times over, who made the morally questionable choice of accepting a 007 villain or "bond girl" paycheck). I haven't seen most of the craig entries...though i can't swear i won't. Nor can i swear i'll never again watch for old times' sake, particularly with a brother whose 007 enthusiasm hasn't waned one iota. He revels in the pleasures, with no apparent irony or guilt.
I've pretty much always seen through the idiocy of patriarchy. So was my enduring affection for bond simply a reflection of my need to stay in touch with what i was rejecting? BRAAAAP! I'm sorry, that sounds like bullshit, try again. Um...did i need the sense of community being a fan of any public entity entails, plus a way to defend myself against the male culture i was trying to subvert, by being able to say "Hey, look...i'm one of you, i can speak your language"? HALF-BRAAAAP! That might hold a little water, though it's a leaky vessel. Did my love for james tap into my rejection of monogamy, a view that science would validate? Uhhh...sure. Am i reaching? Probably.
Sigh.
Let's move on.

hide the kids...it's disney!!!

It's arguable that Disney deserves no attention - not even the (mostly) negative kind i'm about to bestow upon it. With moral failing this monumental, it's generally best to shut your mouth and walk away. The game-ender, of course, is misogyny. The Disney canon is so steeped in it, that shunning the entire mess is eminently justified (plus, anything about a princess or prince is almost inevitably a commercial for the privileged class). But...somehow, somehow, somehow Disney created THE JUNGLE BOOK - despite a couple flaws, one of the pinnacles of human achievement! If you wish to enrich a child for a lifetime, sit them down with Baloo, Louie, and the vultures. So in the spirit of overgenerous open-mindedness, i explored the oeuvre more fully, to answer the question, "Are there any (other) Disney animated films appropriate for young children?" I didn't watch every single one, mostly just those with cultural resonance. If i've missed any gems, let me know.
How did Walt (and Roy) do it? How did Disney become DISNEY - shrine to greed and serial gobbler of rival creative entities? All i know is this. If you want the adulation of millions (and therapy doesn't dissuade you), you'll be well on your way if you can figure out how to simultaneously piss off both fundamentalists and the intellectual elite.
Some notes on the following key..."beautyism" is equating ugliness with badness, and beauty with goodness. Beautyism often incorporates ageism (again, particularly for women). "Unnatural sexuality" is repressive sexual shame, or untruths about sexual nature (and there's no lie more pernicious than "happily ever after"). "Superstitious ignorance" is a slippery thing - greek gods or magic usually don't count, because our culture treats those as fantasy. "Animal abuse" includes the obvious, plus ingestion/enslavement. Nor is the appearance of one of these elements necessarily a prohibitive thing, if shown in an honest and instructive way, like the animal abuse in LILO or BAMBI. I don't always list every single negative element; sometimes when one or two things are particularly grievous, that's all that need be mentioned (plus, no self-respecting writer could resist the low-hanging, fruity wordplay that extra letters might have messed up).
KEY
S - sexism
R - racism
C - classism
B - beautyism
A - animal abuse
D - recreational drugs
V - gratuitous or glamorous violence
I - superstitious ignorance
U - unnatural sexuality
W - it's a white, white world
M - it's a man's, man's world
italics = inappropriate for young children

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS - S,I,U,W,A,R
Is this film the reason why generations of men and women have been incapable of having a functional romance? And why men have felt entitled to sit on their asses while women work? Nope - it just seems that way. Adults should watch this, for cultural understanding and one timeless song.
PINOCCHIO - M,I
The message? "Be good for the sake of reward, not for the sake of being good."
FANTASIA - D,I,S,M
What, what, what to do with FANTASIA, a commercial flop that Walt might have been justified in believing was his masterpiece? It starts off soporifically, and the second act is a miasma of material inappropriate for any child, but i almost urge you to share the first act with children. Except...it's the only classic to feature ol' Mickey himself - the face of the franchise, and all the wrongdoing that represents.
DUMBO - R,U,A
Racist sequences (roustabouts and crows) spoil an otherwise charming effort.
BAMBI - A,C,U
One wants very much to celebrate the bejeezus out of this one, as it's arguably the most significant historical catalyst to the animal rights movement. Well done, Walt. But the fast and loose portrayal of sexuality, in either anthropomorphization or deer (half-siblings getting it on - shocking!) comes to a depressing head when the film teaches that boys must destroy other boys, with girls as the prize. Forest royalty? Noxious, too.
CINDERELLA - S,U,C
A film that inspired its own psychological complex. Ground zero for the blind, poopy journey of the worm at Disney's core.
ALICE IN WONDERLAND - W,A,D
Enchanting, if you don't mind a long hookah interlude, some egg/butter animal exploitation, and shades of beautyism. But pretty much enchanting. Share it with a mature, informed child you love.
PETER PAN - S,M,R,W
Woman, thou art catty and jealous! Plus the most appalling bit of native american racism ever?
LADY AND THE TRAMP - A,M,U
Bitches be from Venus! Studs from Mars. Sigh.
SLEEPING BEAUTY - B,S,W,I,M
The absolute nadir of all things Disney - a woman literally lifeless without a man. Um...didn't we already go down this rabbit hellhole in SNOW WHITE? If her name were "Sleeping Average" or "Sleeping Ugly", would she still be asleep?
101 DALMATIANS - I,W,B,A,D
A schizophrenic swirl. On the one hand, children who watched this grew up to create PETA. On the other, Cruella De Vil epitomizes Disney misogyny. She's single! She's successful! She's...UGGGGGGGGGLY!
THE SWORD IN THE STONE - S,M,A,C,B,V,D,I,U,W
A Disney decafecta of infamy! What, they couldn't squeeze in a little racism? And by the way, Walt - squirrels? Not actually monogamous (nor humans, as it turns out).
THE JUNGLE BOOK - M,S,C
The pinnacle of Disney moviemaking, music, and magic. A lightning strike of writers, illustrators, and performers. When everything goes amazingly right, even an appalling ending becomes somehow perfect. Walt's last major work. How much healthier might western civilization be if they'd shuttered the studio for good? Ironically, that's exactly what might have happened had the film not been a hit. Talk about a faustian dilemma - you can have a world where all the Disney atrocities of the following decades never existed. The price? A mediocre JUNGLE BOOK. Hmm. Give me a minute...
THE ARISTOCATS - A,S,C,R,U,D
Phil Harris and Sterling Holloway (Baloo and Kaa) are back! A fine effort, but for gaping moral failings - one only need look at the title to realize something unfortunate is about to happen. And indeed, the violence inherent in a classist society is in full, horrific bloom. Curiously, in anthropomorphizing cats, Disney paints a picture of romance that is true to neither feline NOR human.
ROBIN HOOD - I,C,W,M
Stealing okay! End justifies means! Civil disobedience! Phew, heady stuff. It's a shame the film is dripping with classist and religious trappings.
THE MANY ADVENTURES OF WINNIE THE POOH - A,M
The anti-animal messages of Disney often come wrapped in a seemingly pro-animal package - beneath this wildlife love-in are casual consumptive exploitation, and a positive portrayal of mounting dead animal heads as trophies.
PETE'S DRAGON - D,U,M,B
I know, i know...no one places this in the Disney animated canon. Well, i do! For is the dragon Elliot not one of the most adorable animated characters ever? The fact that the rest of the film is live action, is neither here nor there. Plus, i have misty, sweet memories of this, as the only Disney film i saw in a theater as a child. More importantly though, this film is the overlooked, historic convergence of Disney and...Helen Reddy! Surely the presence of the "I am woman, hear me roar" songstress will shelve all the usual misogynistic nonsense, no? Well...no. One is hopeful for a bit, but...no.
THE RESCUERS - B,A,D,I
In the most unintentionally ironic Disney moment ever, the show opens with a female choir singing "Who Will Rescue Me?" Oy. Plus an arch-ugly villainess and a forlorn orphan girl being assured she's "pretty enough" to be adopted.
THE FOX AND THE HOUND - M,A,W,V
A hopeful parable for racial struggles, plus another bambiesque blow against hunters. If you don't mind a little violent mansworldism, share this one with a mature child.
THE BLACK CAULDRON - V,W,M
A surprisingly dark occult tale, of passing interest to Tolkien fans.
THE LITTLE MERMAID - S,C,U,M,B
Insipidly infuriating. You might want to hate this with every fiber of your being - and you should. If the Alan Menken songs weren't so infernally irresistible, might Disney finally have slid into oblivion? Share the soundtrack.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST - W,A,M,B,I
Disney's anti-sexism baby steps, clothed in a self-defeating product. In trying to deliver a non-beautyist message, they trip over their own feet...ah, the enchantress isn't REALLY ugly, ah, Beast isn't REALLY ugly!
ALADDIN - R,V,M,S,C
The formulaic prototype for modern children's animated movies - visuals and story for kids, plus snarky jokes only adults will get. Am i the ONLY one who finds this approach patronizing? The only Disney film in which racism is integral, not merely incidental.
THE LION KING - S,C,U,M,I
I've never so hated any other film i'd never even seen, as the poster crystallized all that was unforgivably amiss in the Magic Kingdom. At the center is a male, heroically looking destiny in the eye. Off to the side and below, is a subservient female in awe of his amazingness. The first Disney film to consciously leave behind Walt's unspoken judeo-christian-muslim ethics. While this may be progress, reincarnation is hardly an improvement over resurrection...and with a heavenly shaft of light beaming down on a newly anointed "prince", it's arguably a regression. Plus, another hero gets it on with his half-sister - not unnatural, just amusing!
POCAHONTAS - V,A,I,M
A more human portrayal of a woman...yet why does the first montage of her frolicking in nature feel a little like, um...indian porn? Is it just me? Kudos for a non-patronizing view of native americans (better late than never). Yet the feel-good ending feels like a betrayal of history. And the "new" Disney spiritualism steps farther over the line than the old. Talking to trees, and having them respond? Okay, there might be some merit there. Using the power of "faith" to have two people unfamiliar with each other's language, suddenly able to converse perfectly...can that be good to teach children?
THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME - C,R,U,M,S,I,V
The first Disney to make religion its subject matter. Sexual repression, genocide, divine homicidal intervention...of course! Call the kiddies!
HERCULES - I,M,V
The first Disney based entirely on "mythology" (what religions become when people stop believing). A child is born divine, lives as a mortal, inspires the love of a fallen woman, dies, is resurrected, then returns to Earth. Sound familiar? Of course, it's Hercules! A cloak of mythology doesn't earn a "get out of superstitious ignorance" card.
MULAN - S,M,V,I
It takes about six minutes to hate this film with a passion. The flaw in showing a woman succeed in a man's world, is that you have to first teach children that the world belongs to men - save that dose of reality for older children. And gosh, if you gut it out longer than six minutes, you can hear a man disparage other men by calling them women!
TARZAN - W,U,M,V
Um...why is he the only ape wearing a loincloth? And how can it be a white, white world in...Africa??
FANTASIA 2000 - A,U,I
Really? I mean...really? A Noah's Ark sequence? No joke? Is this how far the carriers of the flame have strayed? As catastrophically flawed as Walt was, the core of his vision was about providing children with a gift of magic, in which no one would be left behind or made to feel unwelcome. All the vision needed was some tender tweaking. Instead, for each step forward, his inheritors always manage one step back and three to the side. The other sequences are charming. One even starts to hope that for once Disney got almost everything right. And then...a segment constructed to make 20 million non-jewish/christian american children squirm. To say nothing of the billion-plus alienated worldwide. Shame, Mr. Eisner. Your vanity shames us all.
THE EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE - I,C,B,M,S
Look! An ugly older woman hiking her skirt! The men are petrified! Oh, she's just getting a dagger...
ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE - M,V,S,A,D
Violence makes it inappropriate for children. Misogyny makes it inappropriate for anyone. A shame too, as it's the only Disney film to address America's capitalistic rape of the world.
LILO AND STITCH - I,A
A fantastic film spoiled by an appeal to an invisible, all-powerful being. Take that away, and the magic is more alive than you ever would have imagined it could be forty years post-Walt.
THE JUNGLE BOOK 2 - M
Given Disney's record, fans of the original are amply justified for avoiding this like the plague. Yet...come watch a minor miracle. It's good. On par with the original? Not within within a kazillion kilometers. But incontestably...good.
BROTHER BEAR - I
THE SWORD IN THE STONE showed us a child transformed into animals...through the magic of an amusing magician. Children understood it was fantasy. Here, a child is transformed into a bear, though...nature? God? Will this confuse a child's perception of reality? Maybe not - but that's an answer not nearly sufficient to the responsibility at hand.
THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG - D,U,M,B,I,C,A
Disney offers a love note...to itself! Everybody should want to be a princess, and everyone should wish upon that star. The first african-american Disney princess is notable for being...the first african-american Disney princess. A love note to the american dream, as the plucky, underprivileged heroine happily works two jobs (Of course! Nothing unromantic or unfair there! Leisure time? A social life? For fools!). And a love note to "happily ever after", of course. Sigh. Can you FEEL that love tonight?

(Much gratitude to Mark Pinsky's "The Gospel According to Disney", for inspiring and shaping this article. Pinsky's book is brilliant, not least of all for keeping the reader almost perpetually stumped as to the author's own biases. Not one writer in a thousand is so impartial, i suspect.)

why are you smiling?

(a woman and man masturbate one another with their left hands)
HE:  This is amazing...you are so amazing...
SHE:  You're pretty amazing yourself...but there's something i should tell you...
HE:  Mmm, what's that...
SHE:  (switching hands) I'm not left-handed.

rape porn

I recently experienced one of erotica's sub-genres for the first time - rape porn.
It's not surprising that i'd made it this far without being exposed. For a feminist who has almost always been hyper-sensitive to the myriad forms of violence against women, the idea of an entire branch of entertainment founded on romanticizing the most traumatic, horrifying personal assault, is little short of repulsive.
So try to imagine how i feel, knowing that i kind of liked it?
Maybe not as bad as you think. I know the value of self-acceptance, and understand that my own sexuality has been irreparably damaged by this repressed, self-loathing society. No matter how much i escape the guilt and shame that was drummed into me, nothing will ever erase those decades of sexual deprivation.
Yes, i liked the film. Yes, i watched it several times, often with an erection in my hand. It's okay, i was alone, nobody got hurt.
What kind of adult does a teen with zero sexual outlets become? If you get through life without abusing, having a fetish or sado-masochistic bent or preference maladaption, engaging in prostitution, or being an addict (sexual or otherwise), you're a rare cat.
And i don't even like porn! But that's perhaps about artistic merit, as i adore a quality NC-17 film. And the acting and production values in this film were superb. I don't speak japanese, but i have a hunch the dialogue was realistic.
It's even possible that rape porn can be healthy, in the big picture...providing an innocent release for millions upon millions of damaged individuals. Indeed, it's not even strictly a male phenomenon. Even if there aren't ANY wimyn who watch rape porn (let's not kid ourselves), how many have rape fantasies? It doesn't mean they want to be raped (except those who do...there's little in the current sexual landscape that's either pretty or tidy).
Should rape porn even be classified as a sub-genre of erotica? Couldn't it just as easily be classified a sub-genre of violence cinema? As much as i'm turned off by slasher films or body-count action flicks, do i want to live in a world with no violent films? Probably not (though i'd be happy to try). Am i horrified to live in a country where every child will have seen 1,600 television murders by the time they're eighteen? Wait, that can't possibly be right...ah, it's not. The number is actually 16,000. Anthony hopkins recently came out against the "pornography of violence" in film, saying he's done with it. You're a little late to the party, mr. lecter, with your Oscar and your millions...but thanks. And in the meantime, no one's disproven the theory that violent images provide a form of cathartic release, perhaps even making some people less aggressive.
So i liked a little rape porn. What kind, you ask? A product of 70s Japan. Something about a female teacher in front of students. Give me a break, i'm barely able to resist ANY kind of asian woman. And she wanted to be raped! After the first uninvited one, she spent the rest of the movie putting herself in almost any situation likely to end in rape. I know, i know...it was probably written by a man, and no child should be within a thousand miles of such offal. And i'm happy to put it behind me. At the end of the aforementioned 48 hours, i unceremoniously tossed it, mostly because i didn't want to train my brain with those images any longer. Four days later, i'm happy to announce that i haven't run back to that trash can.
Not even once.

M.H.K.P.F.E. 2

MOST HILARIOUSLY KICKASS PARTY FLICKS EVER

"Fantasy Island", pilot episode

It takes a singular piece of celluloid to be a MHKPFE. A party flick is a tricky beast, not to be confused with a party movie. A party movie is the centerpiece of an occasion - a group of friends getting together to watch said movie (see MIRACLE ON 34th STREET, PRINCESS BRIDE, FIFTY SHADES OF GREY). A party flick is something you put on at a non-movie-centered get-together. It functions partly as background ambiance, something you need not pay full or even partial attention to in the midst of unrelated laughter and socializing. The plot must be obvious enough that someone arriving three minutes before the climax, needs little (or no) story exposition. At the same time, the flick must be good enough (or bad enough, or some weird combination of the two) that watching the entire thing could be fantastically entertaining.

Welcome to FANTASY ISLAND! The double-length pilot from 1977, produced by Aaron Spelling, Leonard Goldberg, and Shelley Hull, is eye-poppingly over-the-top on several levels. If you have memories of watching it, be prepared to be flabbergasted at how cheesy it is...surely, such fromage ripens in the memory with age? But no, it's just that bad (er, good...no, bad). A suave mysterioso offers strangers a $50,000 opportunity to have any fantasy fulfilled, on an island paradise. The performances are rendered with gusto and not a sliver of self-mockery (if you ever wonder why people born in the 70s have an acute sense of irony, the absence of it in formative shows like this is partly or entirely to blame). Some of the regressive morality will make you cringe, particularly the attitudes toward women. When one character goes into a homicidal rage at a woman who hid the fact that she was married, his actions are treated by the camera with sympathetic understanding. Well sure, who wouldn't kill a woman under those circumstances?? Another character walks a fine line...is she a well-paid, well-informed employee, or is Mr. Roarke peddling prostitutes? A question that will make for scintillating party debate!

But most of the time, you're too busy having fun to worry about such things. Rip-roaring action, sex, and fine character work from top to bottom, starting with the iconic performances of Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize. Ricardo (THE NAKED GUN, ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES, STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN) is a shade more dangerous and machiavellian than you remember. Herve (THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN, FORBIDDEN ZONE) gives it all the warmth and sincerity he's got, an impressive accomplishment given that the writers nearly made him a stereotype of "dwarf as idiot". Bill Bixby (THE INCREDIBLE HULK, MY FAVORITE MARTIAN) capably handles the most challenging role of the episode, as an aged man going back in time to find "the one who got away" (Sandra Dee - GIDGET). The most ridiculously wonderful thread has Hugh O'Brian (WYATT EARP) as a big-game hunter who wishes to become the hunted...an easier pill to swallow if Victoria Principal (DALLAS, EARTHQUAKE) is your, um...chaperone? Throw in some Peter Lawford (OCEAN'S ELEVEN), Carol Lynley (THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE), Ian Abercrombie (SEINFELD), and Dick Sargent (BEWITCHED), and you've got a cheese potpourri that walks the campiest of high wires.

boris, bela, or vincent?

THE GREATEST HORROR ACTOR OF ALL TIME
Isn't it revealing that there isn't a single credible female candidate? It turns out there's a genre in which women have made even less inroads than comedy. What does that say about our society? Somebody write a thesis!
Of course, the idea of treating art as competition is ludicrous. But who's the spookiest of the spooky? Here's the point system:
5 points - originating a major classic horror role
3 points - sequel to a major classic horror role by same actor
2 points - TV series for a major classic horror role by same actor
2 points - originating a minor classic horror role
1 point - sequel to a minor classic horror role by same actor
1 point - classic horror role originated by another
1 point - notable miscellaneous horror role
1 point - supplemental X factor
LON CHANEY
Classic roles:
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA = 5 points
THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME = 5 points
total: 10 points
But for dying young, the man of a thousand faces might have been the hands-down champion. Only one of his films was a talkie...and voice is perhaps the greatest tool of a horror actor.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Classic roles:
-Dracula (10x) = 10 points
-Frankenstein's creature (1x) = 1 point
-mummy (1x) = 1 point
-Fu Manchu (5x) = 5 points
total: 17 points
Sunk by the fact that his signature role was signed off on by Bela twenty-seven years before.
ROBERT ENGLUND
Classic role:
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (seven films and one series) = 5+3+3+3+3+3+3+2
= 25 points
divided by 50% for genre mixing
total: 13 points
Great chops, but cannot be taken seriously because ELM STREET is a horror/slasher hybrid. Slasher is a different genre, with different psychological motivations and functions. A movie about slasher films might be horror, but they themselves are not.
LON CHANEY, JR.
Classic roles:
-THE WOLF MAN (5x) = 5+3+3+3+3 = 17 points
-Frankenstein's creature (1x) = 1 point
-mummy (3x) = 3 points
-Dracula (1x) = 1 points
x factor = 1 point
total: 23 points
Played his iconic role more times than any of the big four. He also played a mummy werewolf. Yup.
BELA LUGOSI
Classic role:
-DRACULA (2x, plus two other vampires) = 5+3+1+1 = 10 points
-THE BLACK CAT = 2 points
-THE RAVEN = 2 points
-Ygor (2x) = 3 points
-Frankenstein's creature (1x) = 1 points
x factor = 1 point
total: 19 points
Has there ever been a more iconic, imitated horror performance? He also infected Lon, Jr. in THE WOLF MAN.
VINCENT PRICE
Classic roles:
-HOUSE OF WAX = 2 points
-THE FLY (2x) = 3 points
-HOUSE OF USHER = 2 points
-PIT AND THE PENDULUM = 2 points
-invisible man (2x) = 2 points
-DR. PHIBES (2x) = 3 points
x factor = 5 points
total: 19 points
Copious supplemental juice for appearances in the classic BATMAN (as Egghead), THE BRADY BUNCH, THE MUPPET SHOW, EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, and the greatest music video of all time.
BORIS KARLOFF
Classic roles:
-FRANKENSTEIN (3x) = 5+3+3 = 11 points
-THE MASK OF FU MANCHU = 2 points
-THE MUMMY = 5 points
-THE BLACK CAT = 2 points
-THE RAVEN = 2 points
-Dr. Frankenstein (1x) = 1 point
x factor = 4 points
total: 27 points
Also played a mad scientist in one of the FRANKENSTEIN sequels. He was the only one of the classic titans (with Bela and Lon) to turn down BUD ABBOTT AND LOU COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN, which could have been the only film to unite them all in their iconic roles. Integrity? Perhaps...or maybe ego, as he later did ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE KILLER, BORIS KARLOFF and ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE. But he's two of the big four, and as the voice of the Grinch, immortality doesn't beckon any louder.
=====
So there they are. Lon, Robert, Christopher, Bela and Vincent together in the third spot, Lon Jr., and Boris. Never mind your protests, Price fans. Now imagine you're the host of a dinner party, and these are your seven guests. Can we have our site painter get to work on that portrait? It would be even creepier with them in street clothes, wouldn't it? Sweetly spooky dreams to all...

the jaws spiral

I'm injecting a new phrase into our lexicon of cinematic terms: "the jaws spiral". This describes a franchise that starts out with a film that is fantastic or delightful - each sequel, however, gets progressively worse. JAWS is the archetype because it fits the pattern perfectly (and "the jurassic park spiral" lacks syllabic economy). Here are classic spirals, near-spirals, and non-spirals. Why would i focus on the negative, instead of merely cherishing the first one? Because wrong is wrong, accountability is good, and who the fuck is minding the store?
JAWS: yes
The second one was so close to being worthy. But then (pardon the pun) the franchise "jumped the shark" with 3D, and with nothing left but to mock our pain, burped out JAWS: THE REVENGE. Couldn't they have just written a script wherein Michael Caine believes he's a killer shark? Hell, i'd pay good money to see that.
JURASSIC PARK: yes
What makes this such a classic example is the almost painfully precise trajectory. The first sequel feels like the original, but something's a little off. It leaves us with a flicker of hope for the next one, however. But then we spin further down, the last one making us scream "Nooooooooo!", like a demented Shatner.
PLANET OF THE APES: no
While the original was transcendant, and the Burton fiasco makes a compellingly vomitous bookend, the others just fall into an indistinct blur of "eh". This is the fate of many franchises. I don't think anybody out there was hoping for BEVERLY HILLS COP/CROCODILE DUNDEE/MAJOR LEAGUE III, but they came anyway.
THE GODFATHER: ?
Perhaps. I'm not qualified to say, as i couldn't get through the second, and didn't even attempt the third. And frankly, i didn't think the first one was all that great (my assessment parallels Peter Griffin's...it in-sists upon itself). In addition, i nominate James Caan's Sonny as the most miscast role in film history.
BATMAN: yes*
Ugh. We kept having hope, and they kept rolling out the turds. Some of you defend BATMAN RETURNS, but stop it. It wasn't worthy. (* pre-Christian Bale)
POLICE ACADEMY: no
This doesn't work when the first is only marginally less wretched than the hellspawns. I only mention this one because we're way past overdue for Gutenberg's resurrection film.
---------------------
So write in, readers! Have i missed any? SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT or OH, GOD! or TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES, perhaps?

marx brothers movie guide

Watching all their films, i had a hidden desire. I was hoping DUCK SOUP wouldn't get my highest accolades, because "conventional wisdom" picks that as the best, and a part of me rankles when i align with conventional wisdom. The verdict? SOUP is as great as anything they did - cain't be denied. I'd pick A NIGHT AT THE OPERA, though. Picking a "best" is silly subjectiveness, of course. I found BIG STORE profoundly lacking...yet when i saw it as a youth, perhaps my first marx film, it may have been the funniest thing i'd ever seen. Am i more discerning now? Perhaps. But it's possible there's someone out there who's about to see GO WEST for the first time, and maybe sixty years from now she'll still swear it's the funniest thing ever. And she'll be right. My own little marx dream is that all the bits edited out of the films because of the 1930 hayes censorship code, will be found.
THE COCOANUTS ** 1929
A bit slow, but charming from a "first-film" standpoint. It contains the classic "Why a duck?" scene.
ANIMAL CRACKERS **** 1930
Yay!!! Jump with joy! Or jump on joy, if you're feeling lucky! Or jump on her sister faith, if you're feeling religious! If you're lucky, she'll feel religious too! This film just plasters a goofy smile on you, so that your face hurts afterwards. Give these boys good lines, and there's no one better. George kaufman gave 'em great lines. One morning, i shot an elephant in my pajamas.
MONKEY BUSINESS **** 1931
Again, it would be hard to overstate the writer's importance...this time, those duties were brilliantly led by s.j. perelman. Margaret dumont is gone, but the luminous thelma todd almost outgrouchos groucho.
HORSE FEATHERS **** 1932
Oh professor, you're so full of whimsy. It slows down the teeniest bit at the end, but the richness elsewhere is undeniable. All four brothers performing a version of the song "Everyone Says I Love You", is unique (and uniquely delightful) in marx history. Does anyone have a line on why harpo chases girls, but reserves his true love for horses?
DUCK SOUP **** 1933
As frenetic anarchy goes, this was the high point. Why have one groucho, when you can have three? Does anyone have a tally on how many uniforms he wore in the final scene? Margaret is back, the piano/harp solos and thelma are sadly gone, but this final Paramount release proves that there was no absolute formula for their brilliance.
A NIGHT AT THE OPERA **** 1935
Comedic perfection. Not every four-star film can boast one iconic scene, let alone the two contained here: the stateroom and the contract. After DUCK SOUP, their career was nearly shelved and zeppo dropped out (though he was, by some accounts, the funniest brother offstage). They signed with MGM, and did their first collaboration with "genius" irving thalberg. This film marks a major change in style, as their new producer moved them from slapdash anarchy to sentimental friend of the underdog (though they had championed underdog lovers a bit before). If you want to make the point that their previous work demeaned women, i can't disagree. The harp/piano solos are gratefully back, and sam wood proves that a director need not have a pedigree in comedy or get along with his stars, to create a masterpiece. Sig ruman points his beard beautifully. Some complain that the grand production numbers and allan jones/kitty carlyle subplot slow down the story, and that the feel-good vibe is a flaccid substitute for a blanket indictment of society. I fancy a good blanket indictment as much as the next gal, but i disagree. A seamless film.
A DAY AT THE RACES *** 1937
Irving thalberg died midway through production, and it shows. Harpo was also injured. Maureen o'sullivan shines, allan jones is fine, and there are inspired moments, (tootsie fruitsy ice cream and a jaw-dropping ballet by vivien fay), but the film ultimately fails to rise above a general lethargy.
ROOM SERVICE * 1938
The budget was shoestring, which needn't have been fatal if the writing were up to par, but it weren't - zip and zing are nowhere to be found. Plus no piano, no harp, and no margaret. The brothers were only as good as their material.
AT THE CIRCUS **** 1939
Loveable, inventive, and inspired fun from start to finish. The harp, piano, and margaret are back! Plus "Lydia, the Tattooed Lady", and a priceless quip at the expense of the hayes code.
GO WEST *** 1940
What fun. How they managed to do an indian village scene in 1940, without being demeaning, is quite a trick.
THE BIG STORE ** 1941
Enjoyable, but that's faint praise. The stunts are ambitious and rewarding, but aside from quips, verbal humor is in short supply.
A NIGHT IN CASABLANCA ** 1946
This film just floats along, never bogging down...and always a step short of magic. The most likable non-winner you'll ever meet.
LOVE HAPPY **** 1949
Perhaps it was partly the knowledge that this was their final one, but i had a feeling of sweet happiness throughout the entire film. The brothers seemed more relaxed than ever before. No other marx picture has this much heart, due largely to the park scene with harpo and maggie, in which we see his home for the first time. Because of the unrushed pace, he's more real than ever...without losing one bit of his magic. He's what we all might be, if we weren't so dragged down by life. Happy just being happy, and making others happy. I suppose it's no coincidence that this was the only time a marx had a screenwriting credit...story by harpo (and probably also no coincidence that his character's name is simply "harpo"). The slower pace has only one drawback, it makes maggie's simpering, reliant-on-her-man quality a little hard to stomach. Ah, well. Groucho gets off another priceless zing at the expense of the hayes code, and the then-unknown marilyn munroe's appearance is unforgettable. The brothers do many of their scenes alone, and never all three together. But it's magic, so who are we to complain?

merian's monkeys

Okay, they weren't monkeys, they were apes. A twelve-foot gorilla would certainly be an ape. A twenty-foot gorilla and a forty-foot gorilla...probably stretch the definition of "gorilla" beyond the breaking point, but let's give 'em the benefit of the doubt. Monkeys or apes, they were merian's, and the world had never seen their like.
Merian c. cooper was a man with a bag full of dreams as big as the moon.
He dreamed up king kong. The eighth wonder of the world.
Heck, anyone could dream up a wonder of the world, you say. But merian didn't just dream, he delivered. And he lived the kind of life that was so outsized that i'm not the first to be amazed no one's made a movie of it.
He chased pancho villa with the Georgia National Guard. A bomber pilot in WW1, he was shot down and spent the the rest of the war a German prisoner. After the war, he joined a volunteer American squadron fighting the Soviets in the Polish-Soviet War. He was shot down, then escaped from a prison camp. He joined the Air Force again in WW2, reaching the rank of brigadier general.
In the 20s, he set his fearless sights on the new field of documentary filmmaking, going to the farthest corners of the earth to bring back stunning images of nature, and the struggle for human survival. It was during these adventures that he met and teamed up with ernest schoedsack. After KONG, he left directing to become a full-time producer. He produced 66 films, among them some notable john ford westerns. He was a driving force behind Technicolor, trans-atlantic commercial flight, and Cinerama (movies presented in widescreen!). He greeted women friends by picking them up and spinning them (okay, that might have been some sexist bullshit). His anti-communist zeal never wavered, and he was a dedicated backer of eugene mccarthy. Somewhere along the way, he had a nervous breakdown.
But in the long run, those apes are what we remember. So today we celebrate merian's big three:
KING KONG (1933)
The idea came to him in a dream. In addition to the jaw-dropping, ground-breaking stop-motion animatronics of willis o'brien, the movie was also the first hit film with a complete, original musical score. The character carl denham was based on merian himself. Few films (if any) have had such a profound effect on audiences, and no film has ever inspired more people to become filmmakers. Look for the best dvd special features ever, with a fantastic documentary of cooper's life, on the two-disc release. How they created the film, is almost as amazing as the film itself.
THE SON OF KONG (1933)
Set one month after the original, robert armstrong is back as denham. Besieged by creditors and lawsuits, he and captain engelhorn split town aboard the Venture. Lured by the promise of treasure, they return to Skull Island. Cooper and director schoedsack knew they could never make a bigger movie than KONG, so they went for funnier and more character-driven. Many people dismiss this one. Kong's friendly son, an albino half dad's size, flirts with cheese in his too-human gestures. But faced with following up the biggest cinematic footprints ever, this movie is a little delight. It's funny and sweet, and the o'brien creations are stunning as ever.
MIGHTY JOE YOUNG (1949)
Cooper, schoedsack, o'brien, armstrong, and writer ruth rose reunite a third time (although most of the hands-on stop motion work went to novice and future legend ray harryhausen). Armstrong plays another cooper-inspired character, promoter max o'hara, a bit of a con man. It's arguably a children's film, as no humans die and it doesn't end with a big dead ape. The story follows the life of a gorilla, and the young woman who raises him. O'hara comes to Africa looking for a "hook" for his new nightclub, and the oversized ape being led by a sweet teen exceeds his dreams. Back in the States, predictable unhappiness ensues, but the way it all resolves is not so predictable. At first glance it might feel a tad flaccid, but absent comparisons to KONG, it's charming. The tug-of-war scene, with primo carnera and other famous strongmen, is especially special.

greatest maxmas movies

1) HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS!
Thurl Ravenscroft. I just like saying "Thurl Ravenscroft".
2) IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
Get him. He's givin' out wings.
3) THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS
Heat Miser. Cold Miser. 'Nuff said.
4) SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN
"Burgermeister Meisterburger" is the second-coolest nickname anyone's ever called me (the other one's a bit sexier).
5) MIRACLE ON 34th STREET
I resisted watching this one for many years, out of some sort of bizarre loyalty to #2 on this list. I was wrong, i was wrong, i've said it, i was wrong.
6) LOVE ACTUALLY
The most grown-up Maxmas film, the most "real" romantic comedy, and the greatest ensemble film. Ever. If someone described the "naughty" bits to a prude, they'd never watch it. Yet it's so deftly made that it feels like a family comedy, suitable for all...which it is.
7) RUDOLF, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
Bumbles bounce!
8) RUDOLF'S SHINY NEW YEAR
And the Rankin-Bass stop-motion magic rolls on...
9) 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Rankin-Bass showing they can do conventional animation too...brilliant performances by Joel Grey and George Gobel, and the unforgettable "Even a Miracle Needs a Hand".
10) A MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL
The hands-down best performance of Michael Caine's career. The most startling endorsement i can give is that for more than fifteen minutes, i forgot that Jim Henson had died.
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Special Awards of Merit:
A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
-Not unlike a photographic negative of the following two films. But for one moment of (religious) mawkishness, it's quite sublime.
EMMET OTTER'S JUGBAND CHRISTMAS & THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
-Each has one song ("What's This", "River Bottom Nightmare Band") that is as off-the-charts good as any moment of any Maxmas magic ever.

demimarielkari

You're having a dream. Things turn dark. Your limbs become heavy. A shadowy figure emerges. A blade gleams. A knife slowly comes at your face. You try to run, but your legs don't work. Your arms have no strength, as the blade nears you. Cold metal separates your skin...
In which reality is that not a nightmare?
I have an assignment for you, to do individually or in groups. It involves watching movies (and looking at boobies, if you like that sort of thing). You don't have to watch all the movies. I offer three pair; seeing one might suffice.
-BLAME IT ON RIO & STRIPTEASE
-PERSONAL BEST & STAR 80
-KING OF THE ANTS & SENSATION
I hear some gears whirring out there. Some of you are already noting that each pair has an actress who appears in both films. And there are probably a handful of cinephiles who have already connected the pairs. They are before & after films of actresses who had prosthetic breasts surgically implanted. Mariel's case is slightly different, in that her surgery was well-documented in the press as something she underwent so that she could land the starring role in STAR 80. At the time, she was already an established star. For demi and kari, they chose surgery at a time when they were relative unknowns, ostensibly to further their careers.
A choice that turned out pretty well for them, at first glance. The price they may have paid in damaged self-worth, sensitivity-impaired nipples, and perhaps a ticking time bomb of health problems, these are unknown to me.
If you've never had surgery, if you've never had your body carved into, then you're going to need an abnormal level of empathy to keep up with this conversation (or just a normal level for a person from a non-desensitized society). We have arrived at a point in our culture where "elective" surgery doesn't fill us with dread.
It bloody well should. Having our body cut open is, and ought be, one of the most primal horrors we can know. How many people you personally know have sought any number of alternative remedies, or chose to live with pain, rather than have any kind of surgery?
How does this horror suddenly evaporate, if we choose to be carved? And what are we so afraid of, that bodily mutilation seems, uh, reasonable?
Your assignment is to watch the movies, then break into discussion groups.
Guide questions:
1) Did these women become more or less attractive?
2) If "more", what was less attractive about their original breasts?
3) Have you ever left a woman with "before" breasts (or been left, if you have them)?
4) How would you feel about your mother having cosmetic surgery? Your daughter? What if your sister died, and the coroner suggested botox and breast implants for the viewing? If you're outraged and horrified by that suggestion, you now have some sense of how a sane person would react to living people allowing their bodies to be mutilated in the name of "beauty".
The bottom line is that women (and some men) are allowing an unspeakable horror to be perpetrated upon them, a horror with fatalities, because of fear. Fear that they won't be loved. Fear that they won't be desired. Fear of being alone.
Vanity is deadly too...but fear dwells deeper.
I've been re-sensitized enough that i adore "before" boobies, and go out of my way to shower love and appreciation on any woman with before-boobies who deigns to share them with a fool like me (especially little boobies...omysweet golly, i just adore little boobies...i mean, don't get me wrong, big boobies are Festivus morning...but little boobies just bring out the slavering beast in me...which is not to say i don't love a nice mid-sized boobie...i mean, that's a group of women who just don't get enough love, everybody yammering on about big boobies and tiny boobies...i'm sorry, what were we talking about?).
I've been re-sensitized enough that watching women with plastic boobies is a turn-off, and seeing the "before" images of actresses like demi and kari makes me feel a bit sickened, knowing what's to come.
I'm just an idiot, of course...even knowing what i know, demi in G.I. JANE is one of the most jaw-dropping images of feminine beauty ever. And i know that some boob jobs are so artfully done that i haven't known they were fake, and i've been attracted. And there have been one or two times in my life when i did not find post-breastfeeding boobies attractive. And i've struggled to find stretch marks as attractive as regular scars.
You live, you learn, and hopefully you get better.
By the way, have you seen UN MOMENT D'EGAREMENT, from which BLAME IT ON RIO was adapted? Oh my good golly, is it wonderful. Best French film i've seen, and it's not even out on dvd.
I love you all.

land of the cinematically lost (in space)

LAND OF THE LOST & STAR TREK
-a preview
For those of you who only want my very best, you can click off now. You've read the title, and you need go no further.
Still here?
Fair enough, but i warned you.
Two of this summer's films i've not yet seen are recreations of beloved television shows from my tender youth. One has never been far from me, either in spirit or direct experience. The other i'd not seen since those childhood days of yore, until a few weeks ago when interest in the new film prompted a televised marathon of old episodes. One of the shows has aged well. The other looks almost laughably amateurish, with animation that doesn't stand up well to KING KONG, four decades before.
Nonetheless, i love them both, and am going to grump a little bit here. And YES, it's in poor taste to trash something you haven't seen. Very poor taste. I insist that none of you engage in such suspect behavior, ever.
I, of course, as the AOATGAF*, am allowed.
These days, blasting Hollywood's lack of originality is becoming, well...cliched. Oh irony, we lovest thou so.
And apparently i'm going out on a limb doubting the new TREK, as the reviews from trekkie and non-trekkie alike are glowing, even startlingly so. But a comparison to another childhood treasure, 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA, comes to mind. I first saw 20,000 as a movie when i was five, and it wowed me. I then experienced it at ten, as a ride at Disneyworld, and in an instant it was my favorite ride ever. Then at fifteen, i read the book.
Does the new Trek have all the glitz and gloss of the first two, without the substance of the last?
I am, of course, open to having my lowered expectations completely, gloriously foiled. Unless they try to pass Chekov off as being in the same academy class as Kirk, then i'm walking right out.
As for LAND OF THE LOST...i was actually excited when i heard about it coming to the big screen. A devoted treatment of a cherished memory? And perhaps Will Ferrell had finally come around to the role he'd been born for: goofy uncle. In my mind, for some reason, he became the new Uncle Jack.
Then i realized he'd most likely be Marshall. Then i saw the poster, and my mind went thud. No no no no no...what had they done? Not only was Will not the goofy uncle, there weren't even any kids to be goofy with. Those are ADULTS in the raft with him! What??
And suddenly it made sense, i could see the meeting of Hollywood producers and sycophants...
WEASEL #1: But sex! We gotta get sex into it!
WEASEL #2: We could have Cha-ka be a hot missing link babe! And one night, she crawls into Will's sleeping bag...
WEASEL #1: No no...how about Holly? Let's make her fifteen, and bursting right out of her tube top...wait, did i say fifteen? I meant eighteen, eighteen! The trip can be a high school graduation present for the kids! And we give HER the scene with Cha-ka! He's watching her bathe! We can make T-shirts, "What Happens in the Land of the Lost, Stays in the Land of the Lost"!!
And from there, it got progressively worse, until the final casting: Ferrell, Artie Lang, and Brooke Burke. They're not even kids anymore, they're just buddies on a rafting trip. It's THE OFFICE meets JURASSIC PARK!! Brilliant. I'll take three tickets. What? The theater's sold out? That's okay, i'll stand, it makes it easier to fuck me in the ass.
Anyway, please allow me the indulgence of this unjustly negative piece. I really only did it because the title hit me, and well...i'm not modest enough to walk away from a $5000 title when it comes along.
Like Hollywood, it seems i have no shame.

*Arbiter Of All Things Goodly And Fine
(postscript: I hate it when i'm right. STAR TREK was painfully bad, and LAND OF THE LOST may have been worse.)

sundance & butch

I just watched the special features on the BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID dvd. It's often tremendous fun to discover reasons why a fantastic movie is so. BUTCH was the first movie in which the hero(es) unashamedly ran away, an idea which was completely alien to audiences who only knew John Wayne and Gary Cooper. BUTCH was also the first film to ever show a man being kicked in the balls.
It's fascinating to learn what actors were almost cast. Often with a great film, you can't imagine other actors playing the parts. The magic just falls apart, in your head. Newman was gracious or honest enough to say that the script and director were so fantastic, many actors could have created those roles. The first actor onboard for BUTCH was Steve McQueen. When director George Roy Hill decided that Newman was the better choice for Cassidy, he asked McQueen to play Sundance. McQueen moved on. After that, Jack Lemmon and Warren Beatty were asked to play Sundance, and both turned it down, leaving the relatively unknown Redford (whom the studio had been strenuously resisting). Of all those possible combinations, i'd actually be curious to see what would have come of the pairing of McQueen and Lemmon. It would have been a darker role than what Jack usually played, but the force of McQueen's personality might have made him more alpha, nonetheless. A very different chemistry, but it could have worked.
When the rumors popped up about a Damon/Affleck remake, i was as appalled as anyone. But knowing more about the movie, i'd actually agree to a remake under these conditions:
1 - It be more real. Sundance was a huge drinker, and cold-bloodedly aggressive almost to the point of schizophrenia. Yet the affable Butch and he were true friends; how did that work?
2 - There's an excellent chance Etta was a prostitute, not a teacher, and that she was with both men. She was more aged and solid than Katherine Ross. Perhaps they happily shared her, even at the same time, or separately and not so happily?
3 - The super posse was historically accurate, but there was never a chase. The split for Bolivia happened as soon as they got word of the posse.
4 - Do a different ending, perhaps the one told by Cassidy's sister, who said that Butch survived the Bolivian cavalry attack, and returned to the U.S. to live out his life under an assumed name. Perhaps he and Etta reunited.
5 - Allow Damon and Affleck in only if they can be made to look like they're not movie stars.

quiz you, i will

Quiz time! Name the film to which the following movie taglines belong. As if that weren't excitement enough, i translated them into Yoda-speak. Highest score wins a Dagobah bungalow.
1) In check. Relax. A shower, take.
2) In their hands, her life was. In the mail, her toe is.
3) The weekend this is, that play golf they did not.
4) In space, hear you scream no one can.
5) A disease, crime is. The cure, meet.
6) Young, they are...in love, they are...kill people, they do.
7) An epic, it makes Ben Hur look like.
8) Continues, the adventure does...
9) Laugh, you will. Cry, you will. Hurl, you will.
10) Looking for America a man went, and find it nowhere he could.
11) Cry for it, women do. Die for it, men do!
12) Believe a man can fly, you will!
13) Afraid, he is. Alone, he is. 3 million light years from home, he is.
14) Sits, he does. Stays, he does. Shoots, he does. Scores, he does.
1 - PSYCHO
2 - THE BIG LEBOWSKI
3 - DELIVERANCE
4 - ALIEN
5 - COBRA
6 - BONNIE AND CLYDE
7 - MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL
8 - THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
9 - WAYNE'S WORLD
10 - EASY RIDER
11 - REEFER MADNESS
12 - SUPERMAN
13 - E.T.
14 - AIRBUD

ZAZ!

David zucker, jim abrahams, and jerry zucker, we salute thee. Hm, given their predilection for exclamation points, i probably should have used one in that first sentence.
No matter!
There are two realizations that blindsided me while researching this article, which almost made me dump the whole idea - ZAZ were responsible for one of the most unfunny comedies ever, and one of their funniest films was actually made by someone else.
Nonetheless, the comedic eruptions created by this three-headed directing monster were so cinematically nonpareil, that tribute must be made. It is said that drama is far easier than comedy. A towering testament to that is the number of unfunny films these three were associated with when they went their (more or less) separate ways. Someone i was once trying to impress called the films shallow. I was deeply troubled by that suggestion. But i believe that humor is the most underrated indicator of intelligence, and that people who don't "get" ZAZ are missing something.
A curious feature of ZAZ films is that sometimes the versions they air on television are slightly different than the product released on video. Was andy a rock, or was it howie? What does geronimo yell when he leaps out of an airplane?
I was a bit stumped on how to structure this tribute, as focusing solely on the movies they created together left out films i wished to honor, yet the bulk of their solo work i wished to ignore. I ultimately highlighted all their collective efforts, plus a few solo shots - a sloppy approach that's the only satisfying way to point a ZAZ neophyte in the right direction. In order of funny...
AIRPLANE!
The first film they directed, it tapped into the need for a certain kind of mass cathartic laughter which had never before been accessed in such a fully-realized, completely unapologetic way. This film is nothing less than a culture laughing at itself.
THE NAKED GUN
So comedically perfect that, in the european release of this article, this goes to the top of the list.
AIRPLANE II: THE SEQUEL
Not created by ZAZ! Not at all! I'm in shock, as for years i've toyed with the idea that this might be one of the few sequels to ever top the original. How'd ya do it, writer and first-time director ken finkelman? If that's not shocking enough, i've just discovered that that very same year, ken penned...GREASE 2! Aaaaaaaaaahh!!!
POLICE SQUAD!
The only television they ever did, and such a smash it lasted four whole episodes. Naturally, one of the most over-the-top brilliant shows ever. The original files from which the NAKED GUN films were based, they were too brilliant for the airwaves. As the ZAZ boys say, too much audience attentiveness was required, because the jokes never let up. Leslie nielsen and ed williams (mr. olsen) are the only actors who leapt from small screen to big. Alan north (ed) and peter lupus' (nordberg) big-screen replacements were fine, but 'tweren't broke, so they aughtn't've fixed it. And one of the most brilliant characters ever, johnny the bootblack (william duell), never made the big screen at all. But i quibble.
TOP SECRET!
Val kilmer's debut, and the talent he displays is seamless. Yet this kind of role would never be Oscar-nominated, which is another reason why i haven't given attention to the Academy since 1985. Listening to the directors' commentary was the trigger for this article, as i simply must disagree with their moaning over how this inexpensive film suffers from a lack of plot. What the hell are you babbling about, boys? Only one or two films per decade come anywhere near this kind of funny. The underwater fight scene alone is worth the price of admission.
THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2
The second-greatest shower scene ever. A round of black russians on me.
THE KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE
Their earliest film, before they directed their own material. It's wildly uneven, and we none of us are worthy to touch rex kramer's size 27 tennies.
THE NAKED GUN 33 1/3
There is a moment when one realizes the ZAZ alchemy is petering out - when they do the long pan across the feet of the showering prisoners, a moment of brilliant comedy...totally fails to materialize. Am i the only one to wonder where was the inmate who had one black and one white foot? Even a tired ZAZ production is funnier than a million imitators, though.
HOT SHOTS! & HOT SHOTS! PART DEUX
The only spoofs ever made by a solo ZAZman which (almost) deserve to be mentioned in the same breath with the originals, are these by jim abrahams and ZAZ regular writer pat proft.
RUTHLESS PEOPLEGaah! They made this turd? Well, we should all...uh, step outside our comfort zone.

M.H.K.P.F.E.

MOST HILARIOUSLY KICKASS PARTY FLICKS EVER
---
SENIORS
(the spanish version)
-1978
By "party movie", i don't mean a movie which a group of partiers collectively watch. I mean the most bizarrely outrageous and silly movie to play as background noise and visuals at a gathering of people who are focused on other good-time interactions. The beauty of this one is the total irrelevance, nay absence, of plot (unless you're fluent in spanish, and even then i suspect that "dramatic structure" can only be applied to this film in the loosest of terms). It's about the college highjinks of a group of buddies, starring a young Dennis Quaid, and Priscilla Barnes of THREE'S COMPANY. Add to the general campiness the complete silliness and off-ness of the dubbed dialogue, and you have a formula for perfect non-interactive eye and ear candy. Let your mind and limbs wander to the naked Twister, the eight-player ping pong, or the discussion on Taoism and existentialism, and anytime your focus strays back to the screen, indulge in another two seconds or two minutes of laughter. Classic, just classic.

favorite movies

The G.A.A.T.G.A.F. (grand arbiter of all things goodly and fine) has spoken.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Young Frankenstein
This Is Spinal Tap
A Night at the Opera
Airplane!
Duck Soup
Tootsie
American Beauty
The Birdcage
The Full Monty
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Victor/Victoria
Blazing Saddles
The Jungle Book
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
The Naked Gun
The Muppet Movie
Shakespeare in Love
My Dinner with Andre
Twelve Angry Men
Borat
Best In Show
Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan
Ishtar
Patton
Tombstone
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Animal Crackers
Star Trek: First Contact
Notting Hill
10
M*A*S*H
Top Secret!
Monkey Business
It’s a Wonderful Life
Labyrinth
sex, lies, and videotape
The Jazz Singer (neil)
The Wall
Airplane2
Religulous
The Rutles
Horse Feathers
The Princess Bride
Animal House
Jaws
The Terminator
The Beastmaster
Jesus Christ Superstar
Das Boot
Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice
Battlestar Galactica
Star Trek: Insurrection
A Mighty Wind
The Big Chill
Maverick
Pleasantville
Savannah Smiles
Mumford
The Unbelievable Truth
Defending Your Life
MST: The Movie
Deliverance
Last Tango in Paris
As Good as It Gets
Star Trek: The Voyage Home
Aliens
Reservoir Dogs
Dangerous Liaisons
Kentucky Fried Movie
Galaxy Quest
Duets
Schindler’s List
The Naked Gun 2 1/2
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Dave
Bulworth
The Matrix
The Lover
Monty Python's The Life of Brian
Un Moment d’Egarement
Tribute
Bull Durham
Pulp Fiction
Witness
Predator
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Blame It on Rio

movie oddities

"HORRIBLE" MOVIES...THAT AREN'T
The machinery of public perception are a funny thing. As Twain said, a lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its pants. Couple that with our sheep-like willingness to let other people do our thinking for us, and you have a formula for millions of people agreeing that something is "good" or "bad" without even experiencing it firsthand.
1) ISHTAR
This movie quickly became a cultural punchline, synonymous with big-budget, career-ending disaster (anyone been to an Elaine May film festival lately?). The negative reaction was certainly far too immediate for people to have judged the film on its own merits. I think perhaps this film was a victim of the need for mythological archetypes. We need cautionary tales, we need sometimes to build something up and just as quickly tear it down. I've heard other theories for why this movie was villified so, and this makes as much sense as any. The truth is, and i'm a little ashamed to admit this...when i first saw it, i agreed that it was bad. Had the power of popular perception affected even me, the champion of free thinking? When i saw it the second time (convinced to give it one more chance), i smiled a little. The third time, i quietly laughed. The fourth time i was guffawing, and a comedic legend was a-bornin'. The movie, ranked in 2008 as the 42nd greatest film of all time (by me, you peabrains) gained access to that rarefied place normally reserved for phenomenons like Python or Rocky Horror, where lines became catchphrases. I'm still not sure whether i didn't like it at first because i had bought into the popular perception, or because you need to see it a couple times before you appreciate it.
2) HEAD
The Monkees only feature film, released as their popularity was beginning to wane. It was soundly trashed at the box office. The style of the film, which was reportedly a result of the band's own insistence, was radically different from the TV show. The film is an absolute psychedelic head trip. And as such, it is fucking brilliant. Fans of the TV show hated it because it wasn't like the show, and the psychedelic-minded folk who would have loved it stayed away because it was the Monkees.
3) INVASION IOWA
Okay, it's not a movie, it's a reality TV mini-series. But it's ridiculously appropriate to this category. Why was this little piece of brilliance ignored even by Trek fans? It's one of the most devious, wide-ranging, committed practical jokes in the history of history. The set-up: William Shatner and a Hollywood film crew descend on a small Iowa town (the "birthplace" of Captain Kirk) to film a sci fi movie. They recruit townsfolk as actors and crew. But none of it's real: the dialogue and situations are over-the-top ridiculous, and the behavior of the L.A. cast/crew is an exaggeration of every Hollywood cliche. Simply brilliant.

"GREAT" FILMS...THAT AREN'T
People can be suckered into believing that a brilliant film is crap. The reverse may or may not be true, but people can certainly be suckered into believing that a good film is great.
1) THE GODFATHER
A good film. But not great. I offer no room for debate on this one. Whoever has done PR on this film since its release, deserves a bonus that comes in a truck. Any sentiment I could express is trumped by the Godfather segment from "The Family Guy".
2) LOTR: RETURN OF THE KING
Academy award?! Maybe the first film in the trilogy deserved honors. But the only award this film deserved is "greatest practical joke of an unending denouement", or "most intense gay porn scene in a mainstream film".
3) SPIDERMAN
Fine acting and production values, but it's a second rate kids' film.

THE SOUNDTRACK IS A GREATER ARTISTIC TRIUMPH THAN THE MOVIE
The films in this category are not bad. On the contrary, they're quite good, easily 7 or 8 stars. But the soundtracks, in and of themselves, are absolute, 10-star gems.
1) TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE
The satiric brilliance of these songs is almost entirely lost when watching the film, in which the songs are background and abbreviated. The full versions on the soundtrack are funnier by far than this funny movie.
2) A MIGHTY WIND
The comedic brilliance of these songs is not, for the most part, lost when watching the movie. As the songs are central to the plot, they receive much attention. Yet the songs are the more brilliant product, including and especially the Folksmen cover of a Rolling Stones ditty. Kum bay ya.