"Sliders"

-created by tracy torme and robert k. weiss

1995-2000

Oh great googily. The humynity. The utter humynity.

Hindenburg.

Titanic.

Mondale.

Can you look away?

Well, perhaps, as it turns out. Obey that instinct! The first time i tried to watch, a decade or so ago, i bailed within a few episodes. It was patently clear there was no brilliance on the writing staff - a show with middling writing and nothing to say. The best you can hope for is an occasional "not awful".

Sorry, all you second- and third-rate would-be franchises. Life ain't fair when TREK rules the roost.

But what you won't see if you only catch the first season, is the carnage to come. Like rats jumping ship, cast regulars fall away with shocking...regularity. By the end, there's only one original clinging to the side. And in this case, it's ringo...or rather, rembrant (cleavant derricks - MOSCOW ON THE HUDSON, THEA), the least-resonant lead (through no fault of his own - as originally written, the character embodied cringeworthy racist tropes).

The story? Science prodigy accidentally invents a portal to parallel worlds, in his basement. Four reluctant travelers discover they can't get home, as they leap from alternate Earth to alternate Earth.

Tracy (SNL, STAR TREK TNG) and robert (POLICE SQUAD!, THE NAKED GUN) are long-gone by the end as well. Other casualties include the almost-adequate jerry o'connell (STAND BY ME, JERRY MAGUIRE), the redoubtable sabrina lloyd (SPORTS NIGHT, ED), and the ripping john rhys-davies (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, STAR TREK VOYAGER).

In other words, ample potential. Well-funded, with at least half the cast capable of nuanced work. But alas...

"The Twilight Zone"

-created by rod serling
1959-1964
Crap.
Okay, that's not fair.
Crappy?
Yes, that's it. "Crap" would imply that its very essence is fecal, whereas "crappy" implies that shittyness is simply one quality. There were good episodes, maybe even a few that qualify as great. I say maybe because i couldn't watch it all. I'd been saving that supposed pleasure for decades, but the shittyness of the show slaps you in the face almost instantly. I was soon reduced to cherry-picking only the most attractive-looking episodes (mostly based on cast juiciness...and by that i of course mean shatner...nah, just kidding - sort of).
I am sure there are many out there who worship at the altar of TZ as the greatest sci fi show ever. Do NOT procreate with these people! To love TZ, you have to love dipsy wipsy magical wagical mumbo jumbo. To even call it science fiction is a stretch, as it's often an insult to the very notion of science. Maybe i always intuited that, and that's the subconscious reason it took me decades to get around to watching? For a devotee of the genre though, there is much here to love. FORBIDDEN PLANET is where modern sci fi was born, but TZ took it one important step further, in humanizing its characters. FP + TZ = STAR TREK, sort of.
I didn't watch nearly enough to offer any "best of". I might get around to that someday...

"V" (2009)

-created by scott peters
2009-2011
Unforgivably bad.
This badness of this remake (i refuse to call it a reimagining, as that would imply imagination) is so pernicious, this is a candidate for worst sci fi show ever. Why? Because the acting and dialogue are so competent, it's hard for the average viewer to notice how unworthy the show is of either science or fiction. The original 1983 mini-series by kenneth johnson was smart and fun. The original series, created after the studio drove off johnson, was deeply flawed but possessed of integrity and charm. This re-boot (or upchuck) has neither - it's like the suits got together and said, "Give us something fifteen year-old boys will love. No, not the smart ones." Am i expecting too much from a network show? Being on a network may be a reason for mediocrity, but it's never an excuse.
An alien invasion arrives, cloaked in the guise of friendship. Nice premise. Yet it's all too clear that the writers are liberal arts majors who don't know hard science from a dental appliance. They focus on the V's obsession with the humyn "soul", a notion that has no scientific underpinning, and ignore the legitimate concept of a war between humyns and a non-emotional species. This would be science-based, as reptiles seem to lack the biological capacity for emotion that makes mammals so fascinating (to other mammals, at least).
One of the regulars is a hunky, conflicted priest. It simply strains all credibility to have him in a terrorist/rebel cell - he serves no function other than hand-wringing. The methodology of the freedom fighters is all over the place, as is consistency of character.
I gutted out the entire two seasons because of devotion to the genre. The only thing that kept me mildly interested was the pandering use of genre stalwarts (morena baccarin, lexa doig, rekha sharma, alan tudyk, ona grauer, michael trucco, paul mcgillion). Grab those paychecks, kids. Original stars jane badler and marc singer provide juice, but it's flushed down a mindless morass.

Original series review: https://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2010/10/v.html

"Red Dwarf"

-created by grant naylor
1988-
Well...
Entertaining comedy sci fi. Fun...and never, ever brilliant, which might be a cause for unending frustration, as you might feel this show DESERVES to be brilliant. It certainly had enough chances, with twelve series spread out over four decades. And the novel that inspired it, by rob grant and doug naylor, was smart and funny enough to beget brilliance.
What might Star Trek be if it refused to take itself seriously? The premise is dandy - a deep-space mining vessel suffers a cataclysm, and three million years later the sole remaining crew member, a happy-go-lucky ne'er-do-well, awakens from quantum suspension in the brig, and points the ship homeward. His companions are a senile ship's computer, a holo-projection of the arrogant coward responsible for the radiation disaster, a humyn/cat hybrid, and a service mechanoid he teaches to have a real personality (in other words, lie).
If you catch one of the show's better episodes, you might be charmed. And beneath the humor, they do have occasional legitimate sci fi premises. It's just neither smart nor consistently funny enough to be top-tier. If you commit to watching the whole thing, you may deal with unending finger-pointing over why it's not great. The acting of star craig charles is atrocious the first couple seasons. The cat is a poorly-conceived regular - how many ways can you have him say "I'm vain and dumb"? The writers really failed the actor there. Ultimately, your biggest finger-point might be embarrassment over a franchise created by two men starring four men. Gosh, what a surprise!
Still in all, not awful. If you're hospitalized and recovering from seventy-three broken bones, this might get you through a week or two.

ultimate sci fi TVthon

Get the cashews, salsa, and tofutti! Running-around-the-house-breaks recommended.
morning
-The City on the Edge of Forever, STAR TREK
-War Games, SPACE: 1999
-Survival, UFO
-The Trap, PLANET OF THE APES
-The Secret of Bigfoot, THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN
afternoon
-Doomsday is Tomorrow, THE BIONIC WOMAN
-The Living Legend, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
-Pegasus, GALACTICA '04
-Similitude, STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE
-Unchained Woman, BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY
evening
-Yesterday's Enterprise, STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
-Far Beyond the Stars, STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE
-Scorpion, STAR TREK: VOYAGER
-200, STARGATE: SG1
-The Last Man, STARGATE: ATLANTIS
-Faith, STARGATE: UNIVERSE
-Objects in Space, FIREFLY
-Spaced Out, WONDER WOMAN

ultimate sci fi moviethon

Get the popcorn, PB pretzels, and soy jerky! Colostomy bag optional.
morning
-Forbidden Planet
-Close Encounters of the Third Kind
-Planet of the Apes
afternoon
-Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan
-Blade Runner
-The Terminator
evening
-Aliens
-The Matrix
-Star Trek: First Contact

"Babylon 5"

(Yes, i endured the entire five seasons, plus five telemovies. Mostly, it became a quest to be amused by which guest actors and genre stalwarts signed on. Dwight schulz, melissa gilbert, harlan ellison, john schuck, vaughn armstrong, bernie casey, gerrit graham, june lockhart, marjorie monaghan, david mccallum, david warner, brad dourif, erick avari, majel barrett, robert englund, tony todd, michael york, michael ansara, jeffrey combs, robin curtis, judson scott, paul williams, paul winfield, bryan cranston, adrienne barbeau, eric pierpoint, theodore bikel, bruce mcgill, danica mckellar, carel struycken, ian abercrombie, richard moll, and the winners - penn and teller! Plus a surreal nod to West Wing fans, who must see the entrance that comes at the 40-45 minute mark of "River of Souls")
1994-1998
-created by j. michael straczynski
A critique of late-era STAR TREK is that it got away from the social relevance of the classic, to become average, copycat sci fi fare. If you'd like to know how unfair that is, sit through B5, which is the living, breathing actualization of that critique. Zero inventiveness. No edge. Dialogue often unrecognizable as humyn speech (partial blame goes to straczynski's non-improvisation manifesto...one aspect of actor improvisation is making speech more naturalistic, a touch that was sorely needed here). B5 shows you all these alien cultures, and instead of diving into a meaty exploration of cultural relativity and moral ambiguity, those are glossed over in the service of some "heroic humyn" tale, full of pedestrian conceits and dime-store romanticizations. Is that a bit unfair? Maybe. Who knows...had three of their leads been more compelling/natural/relateable, the whole affair might have been watchable. Even with its flaws, i confess that i started to feel sentimental when the last few episodes arrived. The actors, for the most part, gave it their best. So i dedicate the rest of this review to them - you showed up, poured out your hearts...and occasionally did quality work on better sci fi shows.
ACTOR - # of episodes
mira furlan (CYCLOPS, LOST) - 110
She played humyn/alien hybrid delenn with sensitivity and class. She should give workshops on how to do bad dialogue convincingly.
peter jurasik (TRON, HILL STREET BLUES) - 110
With perhaps the greatest acting challenge of the show, making londo sympathetic, he acquitted himself well.
andreas katsulas (THE FUGITIVE, STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION) - 110
NEXT GEN's irrepressible tomalak rendered unflinching service under eight pounds of prosthetic, and as g'kar always hit the right acting values.
richard biggs (ANY DAY NOW, STRONG MEDICINE) - 110
The affable dr. franklin came off flat...did the lines fail him (yes), or did he fail the lines (maybe)?
bill mumy (LOST IN SPACE, TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE) - 110
Ah, poor bill mumy! He never failed to make leneer believable. For a taste of what he could do with real dialogue, see DS9's "The Siege of AR-558".
stephen furst (ANIMAL HOUSE, ST. ELSEWHERE) - 110
Go stephen, go! Playing the "young" vir while over forty! He was placed in more unactable moments than anyone else, but daniel day lewis couldn't have done better. Well, maybe a little.
jerry doyle (CAPTAIN SIMIAN & SPACE MONKEYS, B5: THE GATHERING) - 110
A good actor makes bad dialogue better. Garibaldi might have made his worse.
claudia christian (A GNOME NAMED GNORM, STARHYKE) - 89
As ivanova, she became one of the few characters you kind of cared about. Her departure, sad.
bruce boxleitner (TRON, SCARECROW AND MRS. KING) - 88
And here he is, our hero sheridan! Or perhaps just a cardboard cutout, i can never tell.
jeff conaway (GREASE, TAXI) - 74
Ahh, poor jeff. Not even security chief...just assistant?! At this point in his career, didn't he rate a shot at a captain's chair? He couldn't have done worse than what they had. Am i being overly sentimental?
patricia tallman (ARMY OF DARKNESS, BABYLON 5: THIRDSPACE) - 47
As lyta, she rose (or descended) to the level of her dialogue.
jason carter (GEORGIA, BEVERLY HILLS 90210) - 45
As ranger marcus, he injected as much panache as you could ask.
andrea thompson (NYPD BLUE, 24) - 44
Before she left, telepath talia was the one character you'd started to care about. Doyle, this show ain't big enough for the both of us! Boy, did the fans get the fuzzy end of that lollipop.
michael o'hare (C.H.U.D., BABYLON 5: THE GATHERING) - 25
What seemed like a soulless studio decision to replace the first-season commander with someone "sexier", turned out to be a heartbreaking tale of mental illness.
tracy scoggins (LOIS & CLARK, HIGHLANDER) - 21
She did yeomanlike work as captain lochley, a final-season replacement for ivanova.
walter koenig (STAR TREK, STAR TREK I-VII) -13
As megalomaniacal telepath bester, he was okay. He even had a genuinely good episode in his last appearance.

"Doctor Who"

Oh, the curious, cornucopic conglomeration that is DOCTOR WHO. The most enduring TV sci fi franchise (edging out TREK by three years), yet almost entirely unknown to many on this side of the pond. And for good reason - across the incarnations, there is a singular absence of intelligence or vision. It's mainly just the high-spirited skewerings of scary monsters. But if your expectations are low it can be good fun, especially after the 2005 rebirth - still not smart, but they found creative writers who could do dialogue with a vengeance.
The best thing about the franchise is the doctor's presence on the list of action icons who do not (and will not!) use a gun - just a wealth of wit and pluck (plus a good sonic screwdriver), even against alien armadas. Pip pip! Eventually, they found a way to embrace the silliness of the product, yet layer it in a cocoon of sharp dialogue and resonant characterizations. The show takes itself entirely seriously...and yet not at all (no mean feat). The most iconic WHO villains are the daleks, little green aliens encased in clumsy-looking battle turrets who shout "Exterminate! Exterminate!!" Ah, the lighter side of genocide...
There have been thirteen doctors (give or take), all the same character, a trick pulled off by having the doctor be a last-of-his-kind (give or take) alien who lives for centuries and can "reincarnate" into a new version of themself (a self-serving boon for producers faced with an actor ready to "move on", or desirous of a salary bump?). There have also been a parade of "companions", usually humyn (and often, ahem, female and dewy), who travel with the doctor through time and space in a quaint little ship shaped like a police call box, which is larger inside than out. The companions are a lens with which the audience can identify, patriarchal eye candy, and plot device requiring the doctor's exposition...they often however, rose above that (though it must also be mentioned, the very occasional episodes with no companion at all were usually fantastic). The franchise can be divided into three eras: the 60s-70s in which the doctors were faintly sinister, the writing quaint and plodding, and the sexism rampant, the 80s which showed more heart and glimmers of feminist enlightenment, and the 00s-present which are tight and bright and perhaps finally over the sexist hump. If you want to see the show at its occasionally-breathtaking best, view the modern-era christmas episodes.
This review is based on incomplete knowledge...indeed, how could it be otherwise when the BBC in the 60s often threw away episodes once they'd aired? Of the classic doctors, i've seen only a handful of episodes...but enough to offer this guide.
DOCTORS
#1 (1963-66)
William hartnell (THE MOUSE THAT ROARED, HEAVEN'S ABOVE!) is a cranky old oh-so-british fusspot, with fine presence.
#2 (1966-69)
Patrick troughton (TREASURE ISLAND, SINBAD AND THE EYE OF THE TIGER) is twee and droll, but oh that deadly-slow writing the brits could crank out...
#3 (1970-74)
John pertwee (A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM, WORZEL GUMMIDGE) - rock-solid.
#4 (1974-81)
Tom baker (THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD, THE ZANY ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD) is thoroughly earnest and smarter-than-you. Why has history chosen him as the most iconic doctor? The vagaries of chemistry. He's also he longest-tenured doctor, at seven seasons.
#5 (1982-84)
Peter davison (ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL, THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY) is likable, but a bit wooden and vanilla.
#6 (1984-1986)
Colin baker (THE BROTHERS, DOCTORS) - serviceable, yet dull.
#7 (1987-1989)
Sylvester mccoy (DRACULA, THE HOBBIT 1-3) is the first doctor with a puckish glint...yet the writing still feels faintly forced.
#8 (1996)
Paul mcgann (EMPIRE OF THE SUN, ALIEN 3) is brilliant...and wasted on an abortive reboot (with eric roberts and will sasso!). If we're going to acknowledge one-offs, john hurt turned in a gem in 2013, and a couple of peter cushing telefilms supposedly exist too.
#9 (2005)
Christopher eccleston (EXISTENZ, AMELIA), my first doctor...a bias which makes him shine undeservedly bright? Or is he the actor the franchise had been looking for for four decades? Objectively, i know it was the writing which made a quantum leap...yet my golly did they get the right guy. After one stellar season (the shortest-tenured doctor), he moved on, alas.
#10 (2005-10)
David tennant (NATIVITY! 2: DANGER IN THE MANGER, THE SARAH JANE ADVENTURES) slipped in seamlessly and owned the character for three superlative seasons.
#11 (2010-13)
Matt smith (CHRISTOPHER AND HIS KIND, MAPPELTHORPE) toppled the seemingly-insurmountable baker and eccleston. The bar had become ridiculously high, yet he pirouettes over with a twinkle in his eye. Combining frankensteinian facial features with sad puppy eyes, even when he's serious he's so very, very fun. The greatest doctor ever.
#12 (2014-17)
Peter capaldi (LOCAL HERO, DANGEROUS LIAISONS) - um...an old white guy? Not that there's anything wrong with old, but paired with one of the aforementioned dewy females?? A resounding clomp in the wrong direction. In all fairness, he's perfectly lovely, but why didn't he have the integrity to stand up to the producers and say, "I am entirely wrong for this part. Science fiction is supposed to spur social progress, not follow it, and you've been sitting on your asses for decades now"?
#13 (2017-present)
Jodie whitaker (VENUS, GET SANTA) - review pending...but about bloody time.
COMPANIONS
There were often (and sometimes only) subsidiary, part-time companions, which makes it hard to compile a best-of list. Here's my attempt (though my unfamiliarity with the full history may short-change deserving entries):
SARAH JANE SMITH (86 episodes, pertwee/baker, 1973-2010)
Elisabeth sladen (TAKE MY WIFE, THE SARAH JANE ADVENTURES) eventually did fifty-five spin-off episodes as well. Smart and no-nonsense.
LEELA (40 episodes, baker, 1977-78)
Okay, i confess, i've never seen a single louise jameson (EASTENDERS, FACE VALUE) episode. But they might fall into that transcendent "so-bad-it's-brilliant" category. She's a primitive female who wears animal skins and kills with abandon, while the doctor tries to "civilize" her. Patriarchally noxious? Absolutely. But if you're going to be awful, let's be awful all the way, i say.
PERI BROWN (34 episodes, davison/c. baker, 1984-1993)
Ah, nicola bryant (BLACKADDER'S CHRISTMAS CAROL, PARTING SHOTS)...is it possible to rail against sexist eye candyism, yet also enjoy it? Apparently, yes.
ACE (31 episodes, mccoy, 1987-1989)
The final companion of the classic era, sophie aldred (TREE FU TOM, BOB THE BUILDER) puts the spark in spark plug.
ROSE TYLER (35 episodes, eccleston/tennant, 2005-13)
With saucy pluck, billie piper (SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL, PENNY DREADFUL) was the perfect reboot companion...without her, it might have been 1996 all over again.
MARTHA JONES (20 episodes, tennant, 2006-10)
Freema agyeman (SENSE8, TORCHWOOD) is so unself-consciously rock-solid that future generations will entirely miss the significance of her pigmentation.
AMY POND (36 episodes, smith, 2008-13)
Karen gillan (GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY 1-2, JUMANJI: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE) has delightful chemistry with the doctor...but with her fiance/husband rory, not so much.
CLARA OSWALD (40 episodes, smith/capaldi, 2012-17)
Jenna coleman (VICTORIA, ME BEFORE YOU), probably the only companion perfect for any doctor of any era.
AND DON'T FORGET...
Who else took a spin on the WHO wheel? Why, bill kerr, john cleese, burt kwouk, simon pegg, anthony head, kylie minogue, alex kingston, james corden, michael gambon, meredith vieira, richard e. grant, david warner, diana rigg, warwick davis, and ian mckellan!

termiNation

I never expected i'd review the Terminator franchise, as the sequels seemed resolutely determined to break no new ground. And each iteration goes one step further in exposing the flaw at the heart of the franchise - the concept that humanity is "like, totally special and soooooo worth saving", a conceit that's embarrassing coming out of the mouth of anyone over fourteen. But having finally seen the TV series, a change of mind is merited.
THE TERMINATOR (1984)
A frankensteinian vision that taps into our paranoia over the potential for our genius creations to outsmart and destroy us, the film is a stunning synthesis of acting, dialogue, and visuals that grasp you from the first second and never let go. As close to cinematic perfection as one can expect.
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY (1991)
Writer/director james cameron, schwarzenegger, and linda hamilton (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, HILL STREET BLUES) return. This one vies for a top-five spot on the list of greatest sequels ever...which is all the more amazing, as the plot is largely a recycle of the original. This should have been the franchise's "Return of the Jedi"...but the brilliance is again unrelenting, and it touches the heartstrings better than the original.
TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES (2003)
Great acting (yay, claire danes!), competent writing, and dandy visuals, but...for what?
TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES (2008-2009)
This one had failure written all over it. How do you move a franchise this profoundly visual to the small screen? Why even try?? Yet, with episodes on PTSD and a terminator's befriending a wheelchair-bound library aide, this one goes where no other sequel has gone - new ground. One or two clunkers aside, it is stupefying that it got cancelled. Well done, lena headey (GAME OF THRONES), summer glau (FIREFLY), and thomas dekker (HEROES).
TERMINATOR SALVATION (2009)
So meandering, i look at the trailer and swear i've never seen the film, even though i KNOW i have. Yes mr. bale, you should have played the terminator.
TERMINATOR GENESYS (2015)
Truly not bad. It might have even been good, had they not cast a piece of wood as kyle reese. I cried for emilia clarke (GAME OF THRONES, ME BEFORE YOU), having to act off this meathead-lite.
TERMINATOR 6 (2019)
Original star hamilton (the series "...was perfect with two films...but there will always be those who will try to milk the cow") is slated to return! Moo tu, linda?

"Max Headroom"

1987-1988
I suppose i'm the distilled essence of Max Headroom hype - i'd always been aware (and even appreciative) of his cultural resonance and schtick...but never actually saw the show. If you're the same, feel free to stay uninitiated, as the reality will likely be less than you hope. Not that it's awful! It's fascinating, and almost good. The concept, the production values and acting...top-notch. But as is so often the case, the writing struggles to rise above middling. Eventually, your interest is reduced to wondering what guest actor might pop up unexpectedly (look...it's bill maher!).
It's more purely sci fi than i'd imagined. In a dystopian, television-dominated near future, idealistic field reporter edison carter has his consciousness digitally imprinted after a near-fatal accident, and an unduplicatable cyber-version is born, who has the power to hack onto TV screens at will. "Max" becomes a media sensation, but it's okay, because he retains edison's idealism. They become allies!
Matt frewer (DOCTOR DOCTOR, WATCHMEN) carries a whole lot of dramatic/comedic water as the two leads, and never falters. His max persona is irresistible, and all the moreso when you realize it's all real - no CGI! Amanda pays (THE FLASH, THE FLASH) is solid as edison's producer...and the writers gave her a great flash of feminist potential, in having an active sex life rather than pining for edison. Jeffrey tambor (HILL STREET BLUES, THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW) is a dewy delight as the station manager. George coe (HILL STREET BLUES, THE WEST WING) is flawless as the studio head. William morgan sheppard (SEAQUEST 2032, STAR TREK VI) is strangely compelling as fringe network operator blank reg.
Perhaps given more than fourteen episodes, MAX might have eventually found its voice. But for once, i'm sympathetic to the network. After two seasons, they still hadn't figured out how to maximize max's zany irreverence. The best episode is "Deities" - i recommend you watch that, and nothing more.

"Terra Nova"

-created by kelly marcel, craig silverstein
2011
A lovely little slice of sci fi delight. In 2149, Earth's atmosphere is no longer breathable. Science discovers a way to transport small numbers of humans 85 million years into the past, where a colony has been set up. Dinosaurs (and big, unfriendly insects) abound. A fugitive cop comes through the portal with his family. The colony leader (steven lang - AVATAR, THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS) embraces him as the colony's first lawperson. A group of renegades may be agents from the future, intent on plundering natural resources. The CGI visuals are sweeping and seamless, the dialogue and acting dandy. STAR TREK veterans brannon braga and rene echevarria contribute to the writing and producing. There are one or two clunkers, but overall the series is so well-done that the show's demise after one season is yet another short-sighted network shame.

"Ascension"

-created by adrian cruz, philip levens
2014
A mini-series created for the SyFy channel, ASCENSION pulls off one of the greatest cinematic fakeouts i've ever seen. The action bounces between Earth and a spaceship launched by NASA in the 60s, halfway through its 100-year mission to populate another solar system. Will the existence of the generational ship be exposed on Earth? The visuals are enormous and awesome, and the kennedy-era culture aboard-ship is fascinating. Finally, it's revealed that the ship never actually left Earth - its inhabitants unaware that they're rats in a government sociological experiment. The acting and dialogue are top-notch, and the show simmers with sexiness. The subplot involving an attempt to genetically engineer psionically-gifted humans is a bit unnecessary and unfulfilling, but by the time the series ends, you'll wish very much it hadn't. With delightful turns by tricia helfer (GALACTICA, TWO AND A HALF MEN) and gil bellows (ALLY MCBEAL, THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION).

"Planet of the Apes"

Take your hands off me, you damn dirty...
The classic APES franchise. One moment of brilliance followed by a parade of putrescence?
Substantially, but not quite.
PLANET OF THE APES (1968) ****
Solidly based on the fantastic novel by pierre boulle, the original is a classic, and rightfully so. A trio of astronauts experience an accident that brings them back after 2000 years. They crash on a planet they are unaware is Earth, and find a society of talking chimps, gorillas, and orangutans who have enslaved a population of pre-vocal (or post, rather) humans. An intelligent, seamless script married to a lightning strike of acting/directing/production chemistry. So absorbing, you forget any thoughts of overt artistic message, until it all comes hammering home in the vision of the half-buried remains of the Statue of Liberty. A career-defining performance by charlton heston (BEN-HUR, TOMBSTONE). The ape makeup is exquisite. The only major flaw is the marginalization of females - the lone human woman is essentially a mute supermodel (insert obvious joke here). But otherwise...a film deserving of consideration on any "greatest movies ever" list.
BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES (1970) ***
A sequel that attempts to further the original artistic vision, not just copy it. On future Earth, an underground human society worships a derelict nuclear doomsday weapon. More astronauts arrive in search of the first crew, and the apes pursue them. Heston plays a small but crucial part. It ends realistically, with planetary annihilation. Not nearly as great as the original...but a million times more worthy than JAWS 2 or TEMPLE OF DOOM.
ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES (1971) **
The chimps cornelius (franchise cornerstone roddy macdowall - TALES OF THE GOLD MONKEY, FUNNY LADY) and zira flee the doomed Earth in a salvaged spaceship, and time travel to our present day. They hide their intelligence and knowledge of the future as long as they can, but eventually end up in government torture/interrogation. They escape, and are given sanctuary in a carnival run by ricardo montalban (FANTASY ISLAND, STAR TREK: THE WRATH OF KHAN). Before being killed with cornelius, zira gives birth to a child who is spirited away. A fine try, but the writing and balance falter...
CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (1972) ***
Montalban raises the orphaned chimp in a time when all dogs and cats go extinct, and are replaced as human slaves by non-human apes. The child (also beautifully played by macdowall) has all the intelligence and abilities of his parents, and ends up leading an ape revolution. A bit plodding, but worthy - the wild card that keeps the franchise from being a perfect jaws spiral. The original brutally murderous ending has been restored in blu-ray.
BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (1973) *
In a post-nuclear world, the ape leader caesar has built up ape society, and tries to foster amicable relations with the surviving humans...an effort which is subverted by a pocket of humans still highly armed. Cue the title. The whole affair feels like a pretense for the mindless, interminable battle scene.
Beyond all that, the only conspicuous, consistent failing of the franchise is in reinforcing the misconception that humans aren't apes. We are one of six ape species on the planet, and the fantasy that we're not is one of the chief reasons why our own extinction will probably mean the end of all other animal life too. Is it too much to hope that the current re-boot of the franchise includes a population of speaking bonobo apes? Now THAT would sell some popcorn! Perhaps the most perfect classic APES experience however, would be watching the first movie followed by the short-lived TV series. Those episodes lack any particular intellectual ambition, but they do have the tightness and charm that the big-screen sequels failed to recapture.

greatest sci fi shows of all time

1 - STAR TREK (1966-1969)
Any other choice would be illogical. And dispassionate.
2 - STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION (1987-1994)
Lightning never strikes...thrice?
3 - FIREFLY (2002-2003)
Maybe they would have gradually run out of creative juice, and been merely good? One reaches for consolation as best one can.
4 - BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (1978-1979)
You had us at frak.
5 - BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY (1979-1981)
Top five, despite a titanic (in the unfortunate sense) second season.
6 - STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE (2001-2005)
Does bakula not realize how superior this is to his other sci fi series? Do you?
7 - LAND OF THE LOST (1974-1977)
Isn't it time for the holly and cha-ka spin-off?
8 - STAR TREK: VOYAGER (1995-2001)
A bit flaccid the first three seasons, but it soared the rest of the voyage home.
9 - BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (2004-2009)
Had it ended after two seasons, it would have placed higher than the classic. Plus, they never once say "felgercarb". I mean, that's just phasering yourself in the foot, right?
10 - THE BIONIC WOMAN (1976-1978)
It outshines the parent show because of the humanist touches mandated by star lindsay wagner.
11 - CAPRICA (2009-2010)
After a snoozy start, it blisters with brains and brawn.
12 - STARGATE: UNIVERSE (2009-2011)
Dark and desolate. The franchise kept getting better...yet progressively less successful.
13 - LOGAN'S RUN (1977-1978)
Surprisingly wild and wonderful...with the first female sci fi lead as strong and capable as her male counterpart.
14 - SPACE: 1999 (1975-1977)
Smarts (though sometimes dumbs), chemistry, and classic visuals. They overhauled season 2 with hoary hollywoodization...though not nearly so painfully as #s 4-5.
15 - STAR BLAZERS (1979-1984)
I could perhaps be taken to task for padding the list, but this one's a guilty pleasure. Have they released the unexpurgated version yet?
16 - PLANET OF THE APES (1974)
Not brilliant, but charming as heck. The irrepressible roddy mcdowall joins ron harper, the only actor to appear twice on this list (what, you were expecting dorn?).
17 - STARGATE: ATLANTIS (2004-2009)
Great characters, great drama, great visuals, okay writing...
18 - LOST IN SPACE (1965-1968)
Mindless, but masterful in premise, performance, and characterization. Couldn't we all use a robot who shouts "danger"? My romantic life would benefit tremendously. 
19 - WONDER WOMAN (1975-1979)
NOT a sci fi show...but apparently the producers didn't get the memo. See episodes 10-11,24-25,35,43,50,51, and 56-57.

Caveat: this reviewer hasn't seen BLAKE'S 7, LAND OF THE GIANTS, DARK ANGEL, THE CHAMPIONS, THE PRISONER, any anime since 1984, or either OUTER LIMITS.

1977-2015

Freddie mercury was right.
And it only took me forty years to realize.
I remember exactly where i was when it was announced that george lucas had sold the Star Wars franchise to Disney, and that a new trilogy starring the original cast would be created, wrapping up the nine films envisioned by george back in the 70s.
Hardcore fans, whatever the devotion, remember moments like that. For a boy who was nine years old when STAR WARS first came out, such moments, even thirty-five years later, can be seismic.
Not that i didn't greet the announcement with a certain amount of suspicion. I mean...Disney? Really, george? Your original trilogy was about taking down an evil empire. You detect no irony in selling the franchise to...Disney? And then came the subsequent announcement that the first film would be directed by j.j. abrams...who had already befouled one legendary sci fi franchise. It would be easy and convenient to call that the straw which broke this camel's back...but the camel was already lame, it just took a long time to embrace the truth.
I haven't seen the new film, which came out over a year ago. I don't expect i ever will. The enormity of that may be hard for anyone who wasn't a nine year-old boy in 1977 to understand. Were there any young fans more taken than myself? I suppose. I never went to any conventions, and i've seen plenty of footage of folk who display much more outward Star Wars love than myself. But in my understated way, i would have stacked my devotion against anyone's. Even at the age of forty, if i were told i could keep only one earthly possession, it would have been my Star Wars figure collection. And as i write this, the years-old passcode for my phone remains a Star Wars relic.
Seeing STAR WARS as a boy was transformative. Why? Was i already that much in need of escapism, in ways i couldn't have possibly understood? Probably. Add to that what was likely an abnormally high capacity for devotion, and you'll begin to understand how a childhood passion could last for decades.
But the end of my fandom has been on the wall for years. Disney and abrams forced the issue, but only made easy what had to happen. For any who are confused by my jumping ship, i'll assume you can either understand (or just take for granted) the foundations of my fandom...with EMPIRE adding frank oz's muppet magic to the mix, the franchise achieved such unassailable credit that even the flawed JEDI could be embraced (yoda alone probably added a decade to my devotion). I was thirty-three when PHANTOM MENACE came out, and i was all in, even defending it from nay-sayers in the fanbase. But y'know...that virgin birth was probably the beginning of the end. It made all too undeniable the religious parallels that had always been mildly troubling. To take the most childish notion of christianity, and weave it into SW mythology? It was annoying, but i endured. Yes, "the force" was godlike, but faintly scientific. I truly believed (and still do) in the possibility of unseen connections. Then, after the dust had settled from the second trilogy, i began to examine why i loved SW...and compare it to my devotion to Star Trek (http://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2009/08/trekwars.html). I realized that even if there were some unseen force in the universe, it has nothing to do with any kind of battle between "good and evil", like the kind forced down our throats in SW...and it's thinking like that which keeps humanity at war with itself, both in terms of holy wars and original-sin style self-loathing.
And the violence.
Oh, the violence.
I'm not much for regret. I rarely live there. But i wince to think that i contributed to my nephews' embrace of the Star Wars universe. Glamorous murder and brutality pervades SW, from both the "bad" and "good" folk.
Humanity needs to do better.
You may have noticed that sometime in the last year, the SW tab disappeared from this website, along with most of those articles. We evolve. I've even pondered (gulp) getting rid of my SW figures. Notwithstanding the fact that i actually took them out of the package and played with them, it's hard to imagine a more impressive collection. No, i don't have the boba fett with missile-ejecting pack...but i do have the blue snaggletooth.
Three hundred figures.
Okay, make an offer.
I love you all.

"The Bionic Woman"

-created by kenneth johnson
1976-1978
Plot holes, getcher plot holes here!
I'm starting with criticism just as a buffer against overgushing later on. Yes, ridiculous holes in the very premise - a high-level tennis pro (it's implied that she had a memorable run in at least one grand slam tournament) reunites with her childhood love, who is (unbeknownst to her) a government cyborg. She has a horrific skydiving accident, and the cyborg convinces his superiors to make her a cyborg too. She retires from tennis, takes a job as a school teacher, and does government missions on the side. Oy, where do we start? A government invest 5 mil and being content getting a part-time agent living in Bumblefuck, CA? A government making an internationally-recognizable athlete a covert agent? To send on military-level missions with almost NO training? She'd be fishbait by the end of the first episode.
Quibbles aside...
THE BIONIC WOMAN is quite the delight, while also being a contender for the most feminist-positive big time television show ever. In some ways, jaime even tops wonder woman, and that's due to star lindsay wagner, who probably exerted more influence over a series than any unknown actor has, before or since. When she debuted the character on SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, her studio contract was lapsing, and they didn't think to re-up it for what was supposed to be a one-off. When they realized a bionic spin-off would be an instant hit, they threw buckets of bucks at her, but she held out for creative control. She then kept pushing a humanist/feminist agenda. This set BW apart from the parent series - as charming as 6MDM was, it was usually distressingly male in its worldview (good buy bops bad guy on head, everyone goes home). Lindsay made jaime much more human. It's funny to watch the show, thinking about the ongoing compromises between her and creator kenny johnson - for every fembot or sasquatch episode, there was usually one less violent and simplistic. All those children who grew up in the 70s (this writer included), were subconsciously molded by the quieter episodes...and the world is a far better place for it.
The show was also progressive sexually - jaime was romantically active, happily unmarried, and not even hung up on monogamy. You never saw more than one love interest at a time, but the occasional comment indicated that she wasn't averse to it. Even when they gave her a steady beau, she was still having other one-episode romances. Yay!
There was of course some action violence every episode, but she never wanted to hurt anyone. And the way those sequences were shot, rendered them more silly than heavy.
You may be endlessly charmed by lindsay's talent. She has a quirky quality that's subtle and unforced - not one actor in a thousand is so blessed. She quietly maimed the mold that kept action stars from being goofy or human. Making her a school teacher helped. Even though classroom shots were rare, they established jaime as a nurturer. You always see her mind spinning, as she struggles through moral dilemmas. Sometimes, she genuinely has no idea what to do...but her vulnerability and decency never abandon her.
The show's co-stars were richard anderson (FORBIDDEN PLANET, PERRY MASON) as oscar goldman, and martin e. brooks (COLOSSUS: THE FORBIN PROJECT, DALLAS) as dr. rudy wells. Allowed to be less stiff than on 6MDM, they warmly anchor the show. They were also the first actors to play the same characters simultaneously on two different networks.
Creator kenny johnson (THE INCREDIBLE HULK, V) is also a rare creature - a non-actor who can dish up an entertaining commentary track. Maybe he's got a smartphone with him, but the man rattles off bushels of credits for cast and crew alike. He really seems to care. With irrepressible enthusiasm, he even invites viewers to write to him. His lack of artifice is charming.
NOTEWORTHY EPISODES (season)
[boldface = must-see]
-The Bionic Woman (THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, season 2)
A chance meeting reunites steve austin with tennis pro jaime sommers, his unrequited childhood love. Steve has never been so loose and human...a wedding is planned, but a skydiving accident brings her to death's doorstep! Oscar can't turn down steve's plea to save her (bionically). Jamie prepares for an OSI mission, but her body rejects the bionics. She dies. No, really. The screen debut of dana plato (CALIFORNIA SUITE, DIFF'RENT STROKES), and the only time jaime shares the screen with rudy wells #2 of 3 (alan oppenheimer - PRIVATE BENJAMIN, THE NEVERENDING STORY).
-The Return of the Bionic Woman (THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, season 3)
Okay, she's NOT dead! She was just pining for the fjords, perhaps? The scrambled contrivance to un-dead her is worth some laughs - one of rudy's assistants (rick lenz - GREEN ACRES, THE SHOOTIST) rushes in moments after she dies, with a radical cryogenic proposal. And we're off! Except that the resurrection damages her memory, including the part about having known steve (we writers call that the "plot device that allows our hero to fool around with non-bionic men without seeming, y'know, slutty"). As she recovers, she falls in love...with her dashing doctor! Aww (on two levels). The romantic tension works, and steve's willingness to accept the new reality is very alan alda.
-Welcome Home, Jaime (1)
A two-parter that starts with a season 3 episode of SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, as jaime jumps into her own series with a rush of gentle charm. She returns to her childhood home Ojai, where steve's parents (martha scott - BEN-HUR, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW, and ford rainey - 3:10 TO YUMA, NED AND STACEY) set her up in their carriage house. She begins her life as a teacher, while a slimy industrialist takes an interest in her strange abilities.
-Angel of Mercy (1)
The first regular series episode is lifted to heights of silliness by one andy griffith (THE NEW ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW, RUSTLERS' RHAPSODY). Sheriff andy plays bush pilot jack starkey. The script about a lost ambassador is implausible even by the show's standards...but is too, too charming to resist. One suspects that this was a particularly fun shoot for all involved.
-A Thing of the Past (1)
One of the most touching human connections of the series, between lindsay and guest star donald o'connor (SINGIN' IN THE RAIN, THE DONALD O'CONNOR SHOW). He plays an unassuming bus driver a couple decades her senior...in other words, the last person with whom you might expect the writers to have her flirt. But she does. Sweet and thoroughly charming.
-Bionic Beauty (1)
A beauty pageant episode was seemingly an obligatory (and quease-inducing) rite of passage for all 70s action heroines. But unlike wonder woman's moment in the slime (inarguably that show's nadir), the writers here found a way to make jaime's pageant purgatory palatable. Heck, even silly and standout. It starts with jaime's revulsion at the mere thought, and ends with making the pageant bigwigs the baddies, in some computer circuit caper. And somewhere in between, bert parks (THE FRESHMAN, NIGHT OF 100 STARS II) renders one of the most campily silly fight scenes in Hollywood history. You'll hit the rewind button several times to see his facial expressions in slow motion. Gary crosby (OPERATION BIKINI, ADAM-12) hits all the right notes too.
-Winning is Everything (1)
A tight, exciting ride as jaime takes the navigator seat in a cross-desert Middle East grand prix. Guest star john elerick (EARTHQUAKE, EMBRYO) is perfectly sympathetic as a down-on-his-luck driver struggling with demons. The highlight of the show is perhaps oscar's de-jewing of himself to make a field appearance. A quick disguise, and ta-da - oscar bartholomew! Ah, those nutty 70s, when a jew couldn't walk the street unmolested in the Middle East. Remember those wacky days?
-Canyon of Death (1)
A new native indian student (guillermo san juan - HILL STREET BLUES) in jaime's class has trouble fitting in, due to an overactive imagination and cultural confusion. The writing is non-condescending. Plus an atomic flying suit! And a suitably despicable turn by gary collins (THE WACKIEST SHIP IN THE ARMY, ROOTS).
-Fly Jaime (1)
Jaime poses as a stewardess, to guard rudy and a secret formula. The plane goes down, they're stranded on an island, and rudy is wounded (with baddies lurking among the passengers). A taut, suspenseful balance of the elements that made the show great: action, humor, and humanism.
-Mirror Image (1)
Is this a fair way to treat a sexually-repressed culture? Am i NOT supposed to notice normally-hidden feminine charms, and pretend that my eyes aren't falling out?? On its own merits, this episode makes any best-of list, as it's a ballyhoo for ms. wagner's talents. She plays jaime, plus a criminal who's been surgically-altered to look like her. Said criminal is a chain-smoking southern belle. With infiltration and counter-infiltration, prepare yourself for mistaken identities worthy of french bedroom farce. Plus herb jefferson (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, STAR TREK: OF GODS AND MEN) as a suave bahamian who crates jaime and dumps her in the Carribbean. An action/comedy extravaganza! And...i suppose the stage was set with marlo thomas in THAT GIRL, who wasn't going to wear a bra if she didn't damn well feel like it. You can see the occasional resonance of that throughout this series, but this'n might unhinge your non-bionic jaw.
-The Ghost Hunter (1)
Jaime poses as a governess for an adolescent with an OSI scientist father, whose work is being disrupted by paranormal activity. It sounds like a recipe for meh, but comes together, thanks in part to fine performances (and fine sommers chemistry) with paul shenar (ROOTS, DREAM LOVER) and kristy mcnichol (THE PIRATE MOVIE, DREAM LOVER).
-The Return of Bigfoot (2)
Wheeeeeee! Okay, andre the giant couldn't make this go-around, but ted cassidy (THE ADDAMS FAMILY, BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID) is a fine fill-in, and there's plenty of austin/sommers magic. Plus juicy guest star aliens! A two-parter that starts on 6MDM, steve becomes a suspect in some bionic-appearing robberies. Beset by civil war, the aliens restore his memories in order to secure his help. But he gets radiation sickness, and jaime must take on bigfoot, who is a pawn of the conquest-bent aliens, who are played by stefanie powers (THE GIRL FROM U.N.C.L.E., HART TO HART: TILL DEATH DO US HART), john saxon (MITCHELL, THE ELECTRIC HORSEMAN), and sandy duncan (ROOTS, VALERIE). Phew! Anybody winded?
-In this Corner, Jaime Sommers (2)
Quite silly, and quite irresistible. Jaime infiltrates the world of woman wrestling, and spends the episode dressed as savage jessie sommers! She's more adorable than deplorable, but her bionics remedy that. The shifty show manager (norman fell - CATCH-22, THE ROPERS) is shelling government shecrets. And remember jaime's quirky quality? I kid you not, she sasses mad mary maddox (or is it battling betty madison?) by giving the international sign for cunnilingus. Priceless.
-The Road to Nashville (2)
Jaime sings! And not some cheesy dub-in - those are lindsay's pipes, just as surely as that was lee singing in their first episode (sorry, no bionic duet). Jaime pretends to be an aspiring singer, to unravel a government leak that's flowing though a Nashville star (just go with it) played by hoyt axton (GREMLINS, DALLAS: THE EARLY YEARS). Jaime's co-conspirator is country musician muffin calhoon, played by...wait for it...doc severinson! The fact that lindsay doesn't mention doc's name even once on the commentary track, speaks volumes. But still, "Just chalk one up for the Muffin" has to stand as a contender for funniest BW line ever.
-Kill Oscar (2)
Fembots. Fembots! FEMBOTS!!! This three-part paean to misogyny (the second of which is on 6MDM) might be consigned to the scrap heap, but for one tiny nugget of improbable casting. The spurned doctor-who-plans-revenge-on-oscar-while-scheming-to-conquer-the-world-with-evil-female-robots? Boys and girls, that would be one john houseman (THE PAPER CHASE, THE NAKED GUN). Mr. Smith Julliard Barney himself. So yes, keep any actual boys and girls away from this one, but the chilling image of a powerful, beautiful woman with her face removed to reveal wires and circuits is a fright that will never be erased. Jaime and steve storm an island lair, oscar leaves taped instructions to not spare his life...brilliant. Now, mr. johnson, i'd like to discuss my trust issues with women.
-Black Magic (2)
How does an episode this overloaded with guest stars not collapse under its own weight? Ms. sommers knows a thing or two about load-bearing, i reckon. An island mansion is the setting for a greedy family gathering to hear a will reading. Jaime impersonates a long-lost relative. Are you sitting down? Vincent price (BATMAN, EDWARD SCISSORHANDS) plays a dual role, and is joined by julie newmar (BATMAN, NUDITY REQUIRED), hermione baddeley (BATMAN, MAUDE), and abe vigoda (FISH, JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO). Delightful.
-The Vega Influence (2)
Jaime is reunited with the cryogenic doctor who saved her life. She and michael, in an air force transport, make a stop on an island military base...which is deserted. They find the base personnel zombified, and soon fall prey to the same influence, except for jaime and a teenage girl (jamie smith-jackson - BREEZY, ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN), who develop a touching connection. A meteor is the cause of the trouble, and in this chilling episode you see jaime genuinely terrified.
-Jaime's Shield (2)
How much of a hoot is it to have jaime go undercover as a police academy cadet...and have the academy gate be the same one used for CHARLIE'S ANGELS? The episode's a dandy too. Strong female characters, a sexist cop whom jaime reforms, and wonderfully silly action. Plus a slick, dastardly russian agent played by rebecca balding (SOAP, CHARMED).
-Biofeedback (2)
Jaime teams up with a tibetan-trained doctor (granville van dusen - SOAP, HILL STREET BLUES) who can manipulate his body functions, for a mission behind the Iron Curtain. He simulates death, wards off freezing and drowning, and negates the effects of a grievous wound. This was lindsay's most beloved episode, because it's about untapped human potential (in a show based on a technologically-enhanced superhuman). Decades later, we're not much further along in understanding the potentialities or limits of biofeedback (or neurofeedback, as it's been "palatably" renamed), but the medical establishment seems to be taking it more seriously. This episode is a charmer...yes, there's an unintentionally silly aspect as we hear granville's inner "shanti, omm" monologue (you may be a bit stunned by how unabashedly the writers ran with the concept)...but all the best elements of the show are firmly in place.
-Doomsday is Tomorrow (2)
Written and directed by kenny, this two-parter is the BW pinnacle. Alone in a desert complex, jaime takes on a supercomputer which has been programmed by its dying creator (lew ayres - ALL QUEST ON THE WESTERN FRONT, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA) to destroy the world unless all nations pledge to never detonate a nuclear weapon again. When a disbelieving third world country detonates a test bomb, the countdown to armageddon is begun. Jaime battles waves of defenses, trying to reason with the computer while descending toward its core. The casting of lew was a brilliant coup - as the star of DR. KILDARE, he had registered as a conscientious objector when drafted for WWII. The country was outraged and his career disappeared, until an Oscar nomination in 1948. His turn here as the ultimate person of peace is perfect. And with no one to play against except a disembodied voice, lindsay turns in a performance a million miles beyond good. The dramatic twists and turns are searing.
-Deadly Ringer (2)
This two-part sequel to "Mirror Image" has jaime kidnapped and switched with her jailbird double, who is due to be given her original face through cosmetic surgery! The sense of isolation and desperation jaime feels as she tries to convince an unsympathetic world that a mistake has been made, is disturbing. Even oscar coldly tosses her under the bus. Another brilliant turn for lindsay, this one tragic as lisa galloway becomes addicted to a drug in order to deal with becoming addicted to living jaime's life. Plus a lil' katherine helmond (SOAP, BRAZIL).
-Jaime and the King (2)
A contender for the worst BW ever...yet if you're gonna be bad, go down swinging i say, and so does robert loggia (AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN, LOST HIGHWAY), who gives a scenery-chewing performance as an arabian shah. Jaime poses as his son's tutor, to protect the hyper-chauvinist shah from assassination. The son (lance kerwin - JAMES AT SIXTEEN, ENEMY MINE) is no peach either, but jaime gives him his first taste of a woman who isn't a doormat. Their relationship is touching. I'm not sure whether having jaime do a veil dance undercuts the feminist message...but mostly, the badness is the uncertainty over whether this is racist (or just culturally insensitive?). It's all a bit trippy and unbalancing. Still...a must-see for loggia-lovers.
-The Dejon Caper (2)
Has rene auberjonois (M*A*S*H, STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE) ever done a bad guest turn? His appearances on WONDER WOMAN, CHARLIE'S ANGELS, BW, and MRS. COLUMBO (well...) would make a lovely 70s power feminist marathon. Here, he's a world-class art forger caught by the OSI and forced to go to Paris with jaime, to betray his boss. He tries to give her the slip, but realizes he's dead without her. Brisk, witty, charming...
-Iron Ships and Dead Men (2)
A bittersweet look into oscar's past, as jaime goes undercover (and off the books) at a dockyard to investigate the discovery of his dead brother's dog tags. A fine tutorial for workplace sexism in the 70s. Jaime develops a touching connection with a mentally slow worker (bob richards - LIL' ABNER, GENESIS II). They really work the george/lenny thing, but they do it well.
-Once a Thief (2)
Another buddy adventure, this time with a down-on-his-luck, lonely cat burglar who accidentally sees her bionics, and tries to bribe her into doing one last big job with him. Suddenly, they're caught in the crossfire between his greedy bosses and the police. A poignant guest turn by elisha cook, jr. (THE MALTESE FALCON, MAGNUM P.I.).
-The Bionic Dog (3)
A new network, new producer (james parriott - though not new to the series), and a dangerously precious title give rise to shark-jumping angst, but all is well! Jaime learns of the existence of the animal who first received bionics (before they were deemed, y'know, safe enough for humans). Sadly, the dog max is about to be euthanized after his captivity-induced ennui causes rudy to believe that the bionics are finally being rejected. Cyborg woman and dog bond - her pleas for his life unheeded, she breaks him out and flees, ending up in the wilds of the Sierras, where she finds refuge with an old flame (dale robinette - THE JAZZ SINGER, DEATH WISH 4), who gets to say the line "Up here animals are people" (given how we humans treat other people, that's a mixed blessing, but it's still a stunningly progressive morsel to feed young minds in 1978...or now). It's also hard to not see an unintentional parallel to lindsay and creator kenny's relationship. His reaching for 6MDM-style action (kill the dog!), her pushing a humanist/feminist agenda (spare the dog!)...kenny is embodied by both rudy and oscar, who push jaime to her first flagrant insubordination. The conflicts, compromises, and conciliations of real life are delightfully drawn out.
- Motorcycle Boogie (3)
Okay! Have jaime shanghai a motorcyclist for a high-speed chase! Have the biker be evel knievel, and turn it into a buddy comedy where she refuses to believe he's actually evel! Good, good, great! But it's missing something...i've got it! Have them running around behind the iron curtain, chased by german goons, one of whom sounds a little like count dracula! And have evel speak a little german! YES! BRILLIANT! DO IT!!! This one is so charmingly silly, it can do no wrong. The writing loses its deftness once or twice, but you'll be giggling from start to finish. Jaime's checkpoint guard flirtation is a gear-shifting testament to lindsay's talent - just when it's all sliding into camp (not the kind with tents), she pops off a moment so real that you'll be shaking your head.
-Escape to Love (3)
Wow. That's just...awful. The level of writing plunges to a dreary depth heretofore unbionically seen. I'm all for giving opportunities to anyone but another white male, but both the writer and story editor here are women - and this'ns nowhere near ready for prime time. Yes, kids, kenny johnson and executive producer harve bennett (THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN) have left the building.
-Max (3)
Aww...max gets his own episode. No really...the first BW episode to relegate lindsay to a supporting role. Instead, it's a buddy comedy between max and his teen-aged babysitter - christopher knight (THE BRADY KIDS, THE BRADYS)! Unfortunately, it's unwatchable, as the writers make christopher too stupid to breathe.
-All for One (3)
Jamie enrolls in college to find a genius computer hacker. She meets a food truck manager (franklin ajaye - THE JAZZ SINGER, DEADWOOD) who's channeling stolen money to underprivileged students. Subtlety, humanism...but why is a robin-hood themed show given a three musketeers title?
-The Pyramid (3)
Wait a minute...you mean the OSI had the technology to fix the ozone layer back in 1978?? Goddamned government grumble grumble...
-The Antidote (3)
Another curiosity in which lindsay plays a supporting role to the bionic "family", as max, callahan, and late-series recurring boyfriend (christopher stone - CUJO, THE NEW LASSIE) rush to save a poisoned bionic woman. Weak writing and acting, but some lovely bionic dog action. Chris is a little "70s macho blah", and his chemistry with lindsay doesn't set the house on fire...but it's fun when you think of him as a perfect morphing of robert redford and rip taylor.
-Sanctuary Earth (3)
Wheee! For those of us thought the pariott era would fade away with a whimper, strap yourselves in for a ride...with a space princess! Hmm...let me guess. 1978? Yup. I think even the waltons had an alien visitation that year. Here, the aforementioned princess stows away on a plummeting satellite, fleeing from pursuers. Jaime gives her sanctuary, and pretty soon the pursuers arrive (wearing turtlenecks and blazers, and why not?). What amps up the delight on this silly charmer is fifteen year-old helen hunt (SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON, TRANCERS 1-3). Her performance is flat...but that may have been an acting choice, as it works fine. Curiously, jaime is reluctant to believe her guest is an alien (curious, because this is the third time in four episodes that she's faced aliens...aah, you crazy post-STAR WARS networks).
-Deadly Music (3)
In three seasons, she never punches a human being...but she's fine with cold-cocking a shark?
-Which One is Jaime? (3)
A mistaken identity snafu has callahan kidnapped in jaime's place. This could've been a classic (especially considering that the action takes place in the same amusement park used for NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VACATION), but the writing devolves. James sikking (HILL STREET BLUES, DOOGIE HOWSER M.D.) and brock peters (TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE) are mostly wasted.
-Out of Body (3)
Another high-water mark for the show's progressive side, as jaime becomes romantic soul mates with a native indian. Tommy Littlehorse is framed for a robbery, and put into a coma. He then communicates with jaime through the spirit realm. The dipsy wipsiest BW? We'll allow it.
-On the Run (3)
The regular season series finale. Knowing it was coming, they wrote a script that paralleled lindsay's own ambivalence about BW, as jaime decides to leave the OSI. Oscar's superiors won't allow it. She goes on the lam as a fugitive, but finally returns, in exchange for more control of her destiny. Considering the lame duck status imposed by the lack of a six million dollar man (heck, there's even a sub in for callahan), it's a decent wrap-up. The highlight is an edgy, intense moment for oscar as he disobeys orders and urges her to run.
-BIONIC EVER AFTER?
A 1994 telemovie, and the final appearance of steve and jaime...and rudy and oscar and even lee II (plus an underused anne lockhart - BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, JOYRIDE). It's rather wonderful. It might even get four stars, if less time were spent on the inane "saving the world from terrorists" plot. As the bionic wedding approaches, jaime starts falling apart, mentally and physically. But it's sabotage! The unbalanced villain (farrah forke - WINGS, DWEEBS) has her sights on steve too. Can they save each other, and the world? More to the point, don't they deserve a real, relaxed domestic finale? Ah well, it's a hell of a final kiss. We'll take it.

"The Six Million Dollar Man"

-created by harve bennett
1974-1978
Violent, sexist drivel.
I like to lead with the worst thing i can say about a show, especially if i'm going to gush a bit. Yes, at its worst it was little more than an american james bond, with two-dimensional bad guys, glamorous violence, cold war flag-waving, and a beautiful, willing woman waiting at the end. That said, the show also had many moments of violence-free, humanistic fare...for example, when steve is captured by a japanese soldier unaware the war is over, an air force colonel shows shame that the U.S. nuked human populations. Sometime during the first season the producers made the decision to rarely show murder, and steve austin joins a short but shining list of action heroes who refuse to use a gun (the look on his face when he's an undercover cop and must draw his sidearm, is wonderful). They also dialed down the lothario quotient, and female writers were not uncommon. Beyond the terrorists and megalomaniacs, the show also took on the I.R.A., ESP, environmental issues, and it was obvious that many of the creators came of age during the idealistic sixties. So if you can get past the obvious failings, the show had heart. Not EVERY women was an ineffectual, overemotional sex object...and the writing was often clever and thoughtful. Beyond all that, as a ride down retro road it's almost impossible not to laugh at the unabashed silliness. Series star lee majors (THE FALL GUY, SCROOGED) inhabits his role as the world's first cyborg with such ease and warmth, his iconic status is of a type known only to those with names like garner, shatner, and (dare i say it) dean anderson. I'm gushing, so let me just reiterate - impressionable minds should be kept six million miles away. But as an archaeological artifact that might just leave you hooting, you have my blessing.
NOTEWORTHY EPISODES (season)
[boldface = must-see]
-WINE, WOMEN, AND WAR (1)
The second of three telemovies that preceded the series, it's a burst of  irrepressible juiciness (and not just in contrast to the first telemovie, which is so glacially lifeless it makes STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE look breakneck - its heart was in the right place, but they were probably following the original novel far too closely). Action, sex, humor, come on down! They swerve in the james bond direction a bit too far, but it's a great ride nonetheless. Steve is sent on vacation to the Bahamas. His boss (the darling debut of richard anderson - FORBIDDEN PLANET, THE BIONIC WOMAN) may have ulterior motives, as he's soon embroiled in the illegal nuclear arms market. Britt ekland (THE WICKER MAN, THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN) and eric braeden (THE RAT PATROL, COLOSSUS: THE FORBIN PROJECT) are pitch-perfect as femme fatale and megalomaniac. As if all that weren't enough, the title theme music is performed by dusty springfield. It's sultry, syrupy and bears no resemblance the robust song on which they soon settled. How did this make NONE of her greatest hits collections?
-Rescue of Athena One (1)
Steve trains America's first female astronaut...farrah fawcett (majors, that is - LOGAN'S RUN, EXTREMITIES)! An orbital accident requires a rescue by a certain bionic man. He lays a faintly patronizing, sexist attitude on her, but it's too sweet and silly to be denied. Farrah looks surprisingly, touchingly unglamorous, lending her performance an aura of innocence before the Hollywood star machine got their hands on her. The story and visuals are first-rate...it would have been nice to have first-rate dialogue too, but one can't be greedy. Still, it would make a satisfyingly quirky marathon with APOLLO 13 and GRAVITY.
-The Pioneers (2)
Mike farrell (THE QUESTOR TAPES, M*A*S*H) plays an insane, super-human astronaut. No, i didn't make that up...but there are actually some nuanced, human moments.
-Taneha (2)
Steve comes to the aid of an old friend, who pleads with him to stop local ranchers from killing the last male golden cougar. Teamed up with a guide (jess walton - THE PEACE KILLERS, THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS) who would rather see the cougar dead, steve wins her over and sweet-talks the cougar while she gets rid of the rancher posse. Some eye-popping nature cinematography, plus heart and smarts...i suspect even the writer herself may not have known just how far on the wrong side of history lies our bloody, genocidal legacy of ranching.
-The E.S.P. Spy (2)
Steve teams up with an ESP prodigy (robbie lee - BIG BAD MAMA, RAINBOW BRITE) to track down baddies who have kidnapped another savant for brutal mental espionage, with dick van patten (WHEN THINGS WERE ROTTEN, EIGHT IS ENOUGH) as the target. It's disarming to see a tender, unself-conscious relationship between a man and a teen, with no sexual overtones. She's just a misfit who realizes she has a spiritual equal in steve. Really though, the most irresistible thing about this episode is the unintentional hilarity in the fact that the word "kinky" used to have a non-sexual denotation, and audrey repeatedly refers to herself as kinky.
-The Bionic Woman (2)
A chance meeting reunites steve with tennis pro jaime sommers, his unrequited childhood love. Steve has never been so loose and human...a wedding is planned, but a skydiving accident brings her to death's door! Oscar can't turn down steve's plea to save her (bionically). Jaime prepares for an OSI mission, but her body rejects the bionics. She dies. No, really. The screen debut of dana plato (CALIFORNIA SUITE, DIFF'RENT STROKES). What throws this one completely over the top is lee's singing of the "jaime" love theme. It's awful. It's sublime. You pick.
-Steve Austin, Fugitive (2)
It's about time someone realized the show was too male. Come on down, peggy callahan (jennifer darling - EIGHT IS ENOUGH, DARMA & GREG)! Oscar's new secretary (I guess it was that or rudy's nurse, right? In bennett's defense, he did have a female head of state in another episode.) finds herself as steve's only friend when he's framed for murder while oscar is out of town. Her pluck saves the day, and her charm wins the hero (we would too, steve, we would too). Sadly, she only came back for three more episodes, plus five BIONIC WOMANs.
-The Price of Liberty (3)
Worst 6MDM ever? A fine turn by chuck connors (THE RIFLEMAN, AIRPLANE II) is wasted on this mawkish slice of nationalism.
-The Song and Dance Spy (3)
Steve must accompany his college roommate john perry on a concert tour, as the government is convinced the pop star is selling government secrets. And who plays this college pal? Why, just sonny bono (THE SONNY AND CHER SHOW, AIRPLANE II). It turns out that john and steve were competitive college pranksters. Action, laughs, performances by sonny...priceless. And the baddie turns out to be his future wife, susie coelho (THE NORSEMAN, BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO), on the set where they presumably met.
-The Deadly Test (3)
Ohh, that this episode falls a bit flat. Tragic. The elements are irresistible - erik estrada (CHiPs, THE MODERN ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER) as an arabian prince pilot trainee who ends up hugging his mortal jewish rival. Fiction doesn't get much fictier. But the writing doesn't quite come together. Tim o'connor (BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY, Ssssssss) is also along, in an atypically butch role.
-Target in the Sky (3)
Thoroughly charming. Steve goes undercover as a lumberjack, and discovers a plot to shoot down Air Force 2. The duplicitous foreman is classic 70s "that guy" denny miller (V, TARZAN THE APE MAN), and he's never been more perfect. With seamless writing, the only thing keeping this from four stars is the underdevelopment of the touching chemistry between steve and lumber boss kelly (barbara rhoades - SOAP, THE SHAKIEST GUN IN THE WEST).
-The Blue Flash (3)
A lovely example of the show's humanism. Steve goes undercover as a longshoreman, and has a thoughtful relationship with a black woman and her son (without even a whiff of obligatory romance). He wears an earring, a mustache, and after a misstep, teaches the boy (rodney allen rippy - BLAZING SADDLES, OH GOD! BOOK II) about the power of science over superstition. A dandy guest turn by michael conrad (HILL STREET BLUES, THE LONGEST YARD).
-Clark Templeton O'Flaherty (3)
A charming turn by louis gossett jr. (ROOTS, AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN) as a janitor/secret agent in an episode that loses steam...
-The Winning Smile (3)
So okay, this episode establishes that the U.S. has not cracked cold fusion. Necessarily then, steve's nuclear-powered bionics are...fission-based?? He's got some kind of fission reactor...INSIDE HIS BODY??? Oy.
-Hocus-Pocus (3)
With an outsized, bravura performance by pernell roberts (BONANZA, TRAPPER JOHN M.D.) and another adorable turn by robbie lee as everyone's favorite teenage psychic, this charmer is off to the races, as steve goes undercover as...a magician. Bionic perfection - your gigglemeter will be amply engaged.
-The Secret of Bigfoot (3)
Seismic delight. Iconic, heart-pounding, frightening, silly, and wonderful. Steve tracks down a missing scientist in the wilderness, and is attacked by...bigfoot (andre the giant - THE PRINCESS BRIDE, MICKI & MAUDE)! But the big fella is simply an automaton, testing steve on behalf of peaceable aliens observing Earth. Steve is lured into their mountain outpost, through a wild rotating ice tunnel. Their scientist of bionics (stefanie powers - HART TO HART, HERBIE RIDES AGAIN) gets a fine case of austin crush. They plan to wipe his memories and release him, but oscar explodes an underground nuke, to prevent a California quake. Working with sasquatch, he helps save the alien survivors. His memory is erased, and he'll see them no more ever again...or will he? The greatest bionic fight ever - the stuff of indelible childhood memory. Toss in a quick jaime cameo plus no mustache-twirling villains, and it's all too marvelous for words.
-Big Brother (3)
Steve becomes big brother to a street kid heading for a bad end. If you can lay aside the painfully simplistic treatment of a serious social problem (and a momentary succumbing to the kiddie sound effect silliness that sullied seasons 3&4), this one has too much heart and fun to resist. A jet ride for a starry-eyed kid, an irresistible drop-in by jaime, a tenement sister and baby brother too perfect for words, a bionic street basketball game...
-Return of Bigfoot (4)
It really does take an admirable leap at living up to the original, splitting a two-parter with THE BIONIC WOMAN. Steve finds himself the primary suspect in a series of bionic robberies, and discovers that a splinter group of aliens are using sasquatch for felonious means. Steve gets sick and jaime takes over. Toss in some sandy duncan (ROOTS, VALERIE) and john saxon (THE ELECTRIC HORSEMAN, BEVERLY HILLS COP III), and it almost lifts off. Perhaps if only andre had been available...
-Nightmare in the Sky (4)
Farrah returns for her bionic farewell, playing the same pilot she played in season 1 (two intervening 6MDM appearances, as a reporter and a gambler, don't quite merit mention). On a test mission, kelly loses both her plane and memory. Steve breaks her out of detention, and they're off. Yes, there's far too much "sit quietly little girl, and let the strong man take care of things", but their flirtations are disarmingly sweet. There's also some lovely villainy by donald moffat (LOGAN'S RUN, POPEYE) and dana elcar (MACGYVER, THE NUDE BOMB).
-The Bionic Boy (4)
This episode encapsulates the season 4 quality nosedive. The producers were ostensibly targeting kids more, but instead of doing so intelligently, the writing often just slips into infantile. And at the risk of getting a angry letter from MADS (the mustache anti-defamation society), steve's season four facial hair just makes him look smarmy and shady. Compounding matters, he's suddenly wearing sunglasses a lot, making this the season of the bionic car salesman (oops, there's a letter from SADS...and maybe CSADS too). In this one, a paralyzed youth gets bionic implants that are supposed to return him to normal, but he starts manifesting super strength. Mawkish and overdone, with one of the most cringe-worthy 6MDM segments ever - a beyond-hysterical square dance which devolves into a waltz, during which steve (who arrived at the dance with a young, thin blonde) gets unexpectedly stuck with a dance partner who is none of those things. He's too "gracious" to insult her to her face, but the audience sees his discomfort and disgust. Starring vincent van patten (ROCK 'n' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, BAYWATCH), joan van ark (DALLAS, KNOTS LANDING), dick van patten (EIGHT IS ENOUGH, WHEN THINGS WERE ROTTEN), greg evivan (er, eviGan - B.J. AND THE BEAR, TEKWAR), and frank gifford (MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, COACH).
-A Bionic Christmas Carol (4)
Convoluted, bizarre...and one rewrite short of brilliant. You won't make it a holiday staple, even ironically, but there are enough moments of magic (or absurdity) to make it something you have to see once. A miserly industrialist (ray walston - MY FAVORITE MARTIAN, FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH) makes shoddy government supplies, and steve investigates. Horton overdoses on meds, and spends a hallucinatory night with steve as a silent santa showing him the error of his ways (sort of). Bob cratchit and tiny tim are played by dick sargent (BEWITCHED, DOWN TO EARTH) and adam rich (EIGHT IS ENOUGH, THE DEVIL AND MAX DEVLIN).
-The Ultimate Imposter (4)
An impossibly young kim basinger (THE GETAWAY, THE DOOR IN THE FLOOR) gets no scenes with steve in this spin-off starter about a bionic-brained agent, that never gets spinning.
-U-509 (4)
Amid the season 4 rubble, a gem! A retired, embittered royal navy captain leads a mercenary crew who have a nazi sub with enough nerve gas too kill the eastern seaboard, unless they're given millions. Steve manages to get aboard the submerged sub. Great stories and visuals, nice comedy, and steve is more dirty harry bionic bad-ass than in any other episode. With ian abercrombie (SEINFELD, THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK).
-To Catch the Eagle (4)
And...the mustache is gone!! Wheee! It can be sad and funny to watch a 70s show try to do an episode about native indians without being patronizing - sometimes, they almost succeed. Steve must rescue two scientists who are on reservation sacred ground, but he must pass rigged tests of hardship first. It's scurrilous, noble, barbarically brutal toward other animals...but at least it tries. A tender, touching turn by kathleen beller (THE BETSY, THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER) as a bright indian teen who falls in love with steve.
-The Ghostly Teletype (4)
And the award for the most head-scratchingly bizarre 6MDM is claimed! Twin teen telepaths who are dying of old age...a gentle grandmother who lays steve out...a helpful fortune teller who doesn't exist...plus one really cool magician friend who shows the bullshit on the other side of the footlights. It's dipsy wipsy, but too weird to be denied. With larry anderson (LIFE WITH LUCY, STAR TREK: INSURRECTION), who was also in the bizarrest CHARLIE'S ANGELS ever. Coincidence? You decide.
-Sharks (5)
Gone is the attempt to turn 6MDM into a kid's show, as the final season bursts out of the gate in this two-parter about a scientist and his shark-controlling daughter (pamela hensley - BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY, THE NUDE BOMB) who try to steal a nuclear sub. Hensley and majors have chemistry to burn, and rudy's "trapped in a diving bell" faces are beyond classic. Plus a treat for sci fi fans, as marc alaimo (STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE) and john de lancie (STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION) play evil and good henchmen.
-Bigfoot V (5)
As bad as JAWS 3-D? Not nearly, although invoking the jaws spiral is valid. Without andre the giant, stephanie powers, or even sandy duncan, this one still rallies at the end to touch the heartstrings more than either of its predecessors. Bigfoot (ted cassidy - BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, THE ADDAMS FAMILY) chooses to remain on Earth, and is interrupted midway through a cycle which will turn him completely organic. He's half-insane - can steve save him? Need you ask?
-Killer Wind (5)
Winner of the M.R.N.A.P.B.D. award (the Most Ridiculous Non-Acknowledgement of a Preposterous Bionic Display), as steve simultaneously pulls two ten-ton tramcars separated by two miles, up and down a mountain...while the locals just smile and nod. Can we please get a physicist in to calculate just how strong he has to be to pull this one off?
-Dark Side of the Moon (5)
This two-parter is so very good, just because its inventiveness goes light years beyond anything you might expect. Astronaut steve is back in space, as Earth tries to mine the moon for a super power source. The show takes breathtaking liberties with the realities of the space program (and the principles of science), but that's part of the charm, as steve rushes to push the moon back into its correct orbit. There's a villainous megalomaniac, a sultry scientist...you had me at hello, dark side (even without any Floyd in the soundtrack).
-The Cheshire Project (5)
Steve searches for a test pilot (suzanne sommers - THREE'S COMPANY, SHE'S THE SHERIFF) who disappeared with her plane, only to find that she was in on the plot. They have a romantic history, and she becomes the latest brand new felon who asks him to wait for her to get out of prison. What does it say about his personality that he (again) agrees? Does he have a conjugal visit clause built in to his government contract? The sommers/majors chemistry is lovely.
-Just a Matter of Time (5)
During a space flight, steve's capsule is diverted upon re-entry, and he finds himself on an island an ocean off-course. Government agents arrive, telling him that six years have passed and that he's been living the life of a defector inside the U.S.S.R. The plot will be recycled very well a decade later by STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION...but this incarnation feels fresh and disorienting. John de lancie's most satisfyingly substantive 6MDM turn.
-The Lost Island (5)
The most incoherent, inscrutable, and morally indefensible 6MDM. Wrap "CRIME SCENE" tape around this one and stay far, far away.
-The Moving Mountain (5)
And this, dear friends, is how you end a series. Or rather, it's how you end the day when a series doesn't seem to know it's ending. It's just a regular ol' episode, but a rib-tickling delight. Curiously, steve goes out the way he came in - not since the second telemovie pilot has an episode felt this "james bond" (An anarchic terrorist steals american missiles and a soviet launcher, forcing steve to go undercover with a russian agent, who happens to be a blonde sexpot - what were the odds?). But it works, because there's no 007 smarmy glibness. Steve and andrea (lisa farringer - COFFY, LAUGH-IN) play honeymooning husband and wife in an alpine resort, then hit the wilderness trail. Soon, they're humping and bumping by campfire light...oh stop, episode, you had us at guten tag. Yes, there's enough hypocritical, nationalistic propaganda to make a team of oxen puke (The poor russian is an unwitting pawn of her evil, machiavellian superiors!), but the chemistry and charm hit on all cylinders. As if that weren't enough, the evil general is played with oily elan by john colicos (STAR TREK, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA). No finale with steve, oscar, and rudy (or even jaime, the bionic boy, or bionic dog)...but a two-week detente sex holiday for our cold warriors is consolation enough. Bravo. 
-THE RETURN OF THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN AND THE BIONIC WOMAN
1987
As bad as BEASTMASTER 2? No...but comparable. Steve now lives in retired seclusion, jaime has had an accident which unearths her lost memories of loving him, he discovers a son he never knew who is about to graduate from flight school but has a horrific crash in which he loses two legs, an arm, and an eye...the gang's all back (except callahan and the dog), plus lee's real-life son lee II, and martin landau (SPACE: 1999, ED WOOD). There are moments of semi-delight...seeing how stuntwork has developed in ten years so that bionic jumps are more impressive than ever, plus scenes between jaime and steve that at least brush against the old magic...but it's often painfully flat, because they absolutely fail to recapture the feel of the original shows. The plot's trite, the writing is often second-rate, the music is awful (with pop hits sung by substitute voices), it looks like the worst kind of cheap TV movie of the week...perhaps harve bennett could have pulled a rabbit out of this hat, as the original shows had enough charm to overcome patches of weak writing...but harve has clearly left the building. Why do i feel such a compelling urge to blame this on the 80s?
-BIONIC SHOWDOWN
1989
The bionic is back! My guess is that the under-budgeted first telemovie did well enough that lots more cash came down the line, as this one looks and feels six million times better. It would actually get four stars if the plot had stayed on steve and jaime, rather than the new bionic kid in town (sandra bullock - DEMOLITION MAN, GRAVITY). The producers were angling for a spin-off...which is not to say that sandra isn't delightful - she is (and possibly sexier than in any role she's ever played), as she gets paired up with oscar's nephew jimmy (jeff yagher - V, SIX FEET UNDER). Lee II is also back. While steve tries to ask jaime to marry him, oscar goes on a drunken nutty after resigning from the OSI. Richard anderson's dandiest, most unbuttoned bionic turn. Can kate successfully portray an athlete at the world unity games, while simultaneously tracking down a super-bionic criminal?
-BIONIC EVER AFTER?
1994
The final appearance of steve and jaime...and rudy and oscar and even lee II (plus an underused anne lockhart - BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, JOYRIDE). And it's rather wonderful. It might get four stars, if less time were spent on the "saving the world from terrorists" plot. As the bionic wedding approaches, jaime starts falling apart. But it's bionic sabotage! The unbalanced villain (farrah forke - WINGS, DWEEBS) has her sights on steve too. Can our heroes save each other, and the world? More to the point, will they get a real, relaxed domestic finale? With callahan? Ah well, it's a hell of a final kiss. We'll take it.
-----------------------------
But wait! If it's the silly action you can't resist, if the bionic duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-naahh alone is enough to get you giggling, here's the marathon for you - episodes that are middling or worse, but have a fight sequence that's just...heck, words fail me.
BION-A-THON
-Dr. Wells is Missing (1)
Going after rudy, who's been kidnapped in Austria, steve gets captured himself and must face off against the goons of a crime lord who wants to steal the secrets of bionics. The biggest bruiser of all, a black french martial arts master, has a dubbed-in voice that combines bruce lee and michael jackson. What, you think i could make that up?
-Return of the Robot Maker (2)
Oscar goldman is kidnapped, and replaced by a robot! Amateurishly written, but the climactic fight scene is beyond classic.
-Death Probe (4)
Steve tangles with a strange machine that fell out of the sky. OSI assumes it's alien, until all the deep cover russian spies in the world come out of the woodwork to converge on Wyoming, and steve discovers the vehicle is a russian probe meant for venusian exploration. Built to withstand extreme temperatures and pressures, the probe is now on high defense mode, and headed for a town. Steve is no match! It grabs him, it lassoes him! The images are too iconic and too beautifully silly.

sci fi linkathon

For those who love actors, and sci fi (and sci fi actors), a tribute-a-thon dedicated to links in the chain...
-FORBIDDEN PLANET, 1956
This classic starring walter pidgeon and leslie nielsen, is where modern sci fi was born.
-STAR TREK "By Any Other Name", 1968
FORBIDDEN PLANET's doc (warren stevens) guest stars as captain of a hostile, super-advanced (but emotionally green) alien crew.
-STAR TREK (animated) "The Magicks of Megas-Tu", 1973
Who's that voice of powerful alien asmodeus? Ed bishop, star of classic brit sci fi UFO. Control yourself, fanboys (fangirls, feel no such restraint).
-THE STARLOST "The Return of Oro", 1973
One of the better episodes of a second-rate (okay, maybe third-rate) show, with a fine guest appearance by TREK's walter koenig.
-THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN "Sharks", 1977
A sci fi swirl, as BUCK ROGERS' pamela hensley stars, with supporting turns by marc alaimo (DEEP SPACE NINE) and john de lancie (STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION). The three most resonant non-regular sci fi recurring stars ever?
-JASON OF STAR COMMAND "Escape From Dragos", 1978
Throughout the first season, TREK's james doohan played canarvin, the commander with a heart of gold.
-BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY "A Dream of Jennifer", 1980
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA'S anne lockhart stars as a woman surgically altered to look like buck's loooong-lost love.
-BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY "Journey to Oasis", 1981
Okay, i'm breaking my own unwritten rule by having two episodes from the same series...but season 2 BUCK was so radically altered, it qualifies as a different show. This episode, one of the few worth watching, features a nuanced performance by mark lenard (TREK's sarek and PLANET OF THE APES' urko).
-STAR TREK: NEXT GENERATION "The Perfect Mate", 1992
With a romantic almost-triangle between picard, riker, and famke janssen (X-MEN 1-?), this episode also stars the sublime tim o'connor (BUCK ROGERS).
-SEAQUEST 2032 "Dream Weaver", 1995
Mark hamill (THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK) plays a blind genius, in a rich role - and acquits himself beautifully.
-TEKWAR "Chill Factor", 1995
STAR TREK's past and future collide, as DEEP SPACE NINE's nicole de boer takes a turn on this shatnervaganza (alas, this one's a "credit only" no-show for the man himself).
-STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE "The Siege of AR-558", 1998
Perhaps as karmic reward for all those abysmal years of LOST IN SPACE (danger, will robinson!), bill mumy shows more one-off chemistry with nicole de boer than worf and bashir manage in an entire season.
-STARGATE: SG1 "The Other Side", 2000
Rene auberjonois (DEEP SPACE NINE) exquisitely plays the morally-compromised leader of an alien nation.
-ENTERPRISE "Detained", 2002
Dean stockwell (GALACTICA '04) leaps in for a QUANTUM reunion with mr. bakula, playing a concentration camp commandant.
-BATTLESTAR GALACTICA "Pegasus" (extended version), 2005
Actions and consequences, roads not taken...as much as one might bemoan michelle forbes' (STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION) turning down a role on DS9, had she not done so, there's a fair chance the BSG producers wouldn't have tapped her for this prominent (and fantastic) turn.
-STARGATE: ATLANTIS "Michael", 2006
Connor trineer (ENTERPRISE) plays a devastatingly-abused alien who has been genetically-modified, with his memory erased.

"Logan's Run"

-created by ivan goff and ben roberts
1977-1978
Occasionally plodding but thoroughly charming, and often coming close to realizing the full potential of television sci fi. In a post-apocalyptic world, two fugitives flee a dystopian city, in search of a mythical place called Sanctuary. A spin-off of the heralded-if-not-quite-brilliant 1976 movie starring michael york, jennie agutter, and farrah fawcett, the series was axed midway through its first season, and you'll scratch your head trying to figure out why. There are touches of genuinely intelligent writing, no doubt courtesy of series story editor d.c. fontana (STAR TREK, STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION). Its chief accomplishment in the history of sci fi was the first female lead as strong as her male counterpart. Despite her barbie-doll looks, she's no ditzy cypher - she's intelligent and proactive. While lacking any deep original vision, the show is surprisingly wild and wonderful.
-Logan's Run ***
In a post-nuclear world, survivors live a life of mindless pleasure in a domed city, and in the guise of "rebirth" are summarily killed at thirty as a form of population control. Logan, a fugitive-chasing sandman, begins to suspect the truth, and flees with a runner named jessica. A two-part semi-recreation of the movie, helped along by many of the original creators (including novelist william f. nolan). Gregory harrison (TRAPPER JOHN M.D., JOEY) and heather menzies (THE SOUND OF MUSIC, PIRHANA) have the requisite talent and chemistry as show leads, and are joined on the run by the android rem (donald moffat - THE THING, THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING), whom they liberate from a community of robots who want to make them prisoners of comfort. The robot leaders are keene curtis (HEAVEN CAN WAIT, CHEERS) and a sultry-voiced femme fatale named siri (hmm...). Jessica and logan also liberate a band of pacifists who live underground, hiding from a raiding militia. Their elder (e.j. andre - PAPILLON, THE SHAKIEST GUN IN THE WEST) channels peter ustinov's movie character beautifully. Film footage is skillfully blended into a pilot which is less ambitious but more entertaining. The uninhibited hedonism of the city dwellers is sadly subverted by having jessica be nakedly self-conscious in front of logan. Look for STAR TREK guest extraordinaire morgan woodoward in a recurring role as the leader of the city council, and a don't-blink appearance by michael biehn (THE TERMINATOR, ALIENS) as a sandman. Sandman francis (randy powell - DALLAS, THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING WOMAN, who perhaps sets the all-time series record for fewest appearances by a credited regular) is hot on their trail as the search begins...
-The Collectors ***
Our heroes are captured by aliens collecting pairs of specimens from all over the galaxy, as pre-invasion research. They make logan and jessica see exactly what they wish to see, so they believe they're in Sanctuary. Jessica's IQ takes a sharp dip, as logan figures out the deception and has to educate her almost like a monkey. When rem catches up, he's not fooled by the mind trick and manages to turn the tables, giving their captors' ship to all their former prisoners. The alien zoo is low-tech but utterly charming, in a way CGI could never be. Delightful sci fi.
-Capture **
Our heroes are captured by francis, who is then captured along with logan and jessica by a deceitful couple who make them all prey in another regurgitation of "the most dangerous game". So, y'know, the episode lives up to its name. As such things go it's not without charm, but the writing is strictly average. A fine guest turn by mary woronov (EATING RAOUL, DEATH RACE 2000).
-The Innocent ***
Inside a well-protected bunker, our heroes discover a young woman (lisa eilbacher - AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN, BEVERLY HILLS COP) who has lived alone with robots since childhood. Like all previous residents of the bunker, she is psychokinetic. She develops a crush on logan, and banishes jessica and rem into limbo (along with some sandmen, including brian kerwin - MURPHY'S ROMANCE, THE MISADVENTURES OF SHERIFF LOBO). The general lethargy is offset by the patient and wise lines given to logan.
-Man Out of Time ***
A fine story that feels a bit aimless, but ends with a brilliant twist. Our heroes witness a pod materialize, then disappear, then reappear with someone inside. The someone is a scientist (paul shenar - ROOTS, DREAM LOVER) from 200 years in the past, who's trying to discover what caused the global holocaust. He takes them to Sanctuary...not the one they're seeking, but a data-storage complex he created. The current residents are well-meaning, illiterate fundamentalists. A quandary arises over whether to help him - if he succeeds, their time line will be erased. They help him return...and soon the pod rematerializes, with a message - his discovery of time travel was the spark that started a global war. Written by TREK veteran david gerrold, and directed by nicholas colasanto from CHEERS.
-Half Life **
Sloppy writing plagues this promising but overwrought approach of a re-hashed plot that should have been put out to pasture  - the idea that there is a "good" and "bad" side in each of us, and that we need both sides to blah blah blah...here, our heroes discover two antagonistic cultures, one gentle, the other savage. They are the result of an experiment in which all individuals have been "processed" into two humans with opposing personalities. Jessica gets processed, and the primal part of her mates with the alpha savage (sadly, no director's cut seems to be available). Kim cattrall (TRIBUTE, STAR TREK VI) plays a savage who has been passing as a positive all her life. The two cultures are reunited blah blah blah...
-Crypt ***
In a ghost city, a recording is found which leads to a bunker and six scientists in cryo-freeze awaiting a cure for a plague. The serum is found, but half of the doses are destroyed in a earthquake. The six leave it to our heroes to decide who lives. Then people start dying, and it's discovered that one of the six is an impostor. Is it the dewy scientist (adrienne larussa - THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH, CENTENNIAL) who offers herself to logan? Is it the engineer (christopher stone - THE BIONIC WOMAN, THE NEW LASSIE) who makes no bones about not wanting to die? Is it M*A*S*H's marvelous soon-tek oh (CHARLIE'S ANGELS, THE FINAL COUNTDOWN)? The only things keeping this thoroughly delightful treat from four stars are the telekineticist's non-save of the serum, and the fact that nobody thought to just re-freeze three of them until their doctor finds a cure. From a story by harlan ellison.
-Fear Factor **
A former asylum is found where the patients are automatons stripped of emotion by equally robotic doctors (hm, just like the reality show of the same name...). Logan and rem undergo deadly trials, and the doctors want to use logan's DNA to create fearless soldiers. A game try, but it never locates its own pulse.
-The Judas Goat ***
After a sandman's consciousness is transferred to the body of a dead runner jessica knew (nicholas hammond - THE SOUND OF MUSIC, THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN), he convinces our heroes that the time is ripe for them to return to the city of domes and lead a rebellion. So we have a runner who looks like a sandman, and a sandman who looks like a runner...but why in all these months hasn't logan changed OUT of his sandman attire, a costume guaranteed to spook any other runners? On the way back, they're captured by the uneducated minions of matthew, the first-ever runner (lance legault - STRIPES, MAGNUM P.I.). He's become the totalitarian he once fled from, and imprisons them rather than risk his own discovery. He dies trying to kill them, and logan convinces the smartest minion (spencer milligan - THE LAND OF THE LOST, SLEEPER) that they can live and grow freely. Outside the city of domes, the sandman is gunned down by his own, who don't recognize him, and our heroes are back on the run...
-Futurepast **
At an isolated research center, logan and jessica are unwittingly put into a dream-analysis state by a friendly android (mariette hartley - PEYTON PLACE, GENESIS II), who has never come across humans from a culture of death before and doesn't understand the dangers inherent in amplifying their dreams. Amidst the horror are resonances of love. The tender moments between rem and ariana threaten to lapse into cheese, but it barely holds together. The same can't quite be said for the writing lapses overall.
-Carousel ***
Logan has a year of his memory temporarily erased by benign strangers, and returns to his life in the city as a sandman. He prepares to testify at carousel against the movement, after which the council is secretly planning to kill him. Francis is thrilled to have him back, as is an old girlfriend (melody anderson - FLASH GORDON, MANIMAL). Jessica and rem infiltrate the city, where she goes to an old friend (rosanne katon - JASON OF STAR COMMAND, ZAPPED!) to enlist the movement's help. Under an assumed identity, she and logan kiss for the first time. Charming, except for the writing faux pas of having jessica assume that a "higher authority" is male.
-Night Visitors *
Ewwf. Ghosts, devil worshiping, and dreary writing in a victorian house. Rather like TREKs "The Man Trap", except both stupid AND dull.
-Turnabout ***
Our heroes are captured by a patrol (led by gerald mcraney - SIMON & SIMON, DEADWOOD), and go on trial for allowing a woman to have her face uncovered. The leader of a desert city (nehemiah persoff - SOME LIKE IT HOT, YENTL) reveals that runners once came, and sparked violent retribution against young citizens inspired by notions of freedom. Francis shows up, and asks to be given his prisoners. A death sentence is issued, and francis breaks them out. He in turn is captured, and logan frees him. A progressive minister (hari rhodes - ROOTS, CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES) convinces the council that their culture has lost their way, and initiates an era of peace and female freedom. What makes this one a gem are the parallels to islam (sword-wielding desert horsemen, dehumanized women, superstitious brutality), which would be too spot-on to get by the PC censors today.
-Stargate ***
A rollicking note on which to bow out, even if the creators had no idea this was their swan song. Our heroes are captured by shipwrecked aliens living in the bodies of human victims. They scavenge parts from rem in order to build a stargate capable of transporting a proper invasion force. Jessica and logan are freed with the help of the sole surviving local, and find themselves on the run in a mutant-infested swamp (okay, there's only one mutant seen momentarily, but it's still cool, i promise). The alien leader is played by sci fi stalwart paul carr (BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY, VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA). You'll be surprised at how much they jam into this one, even though there's no richard dean anderson (but yes, the creators of STARGATE were watching). Delightful.

(Note: there will be no review of the flawed but fascinating movie that spawned this series, until the lost footage is restored and a director's cut released. As said footage perhaps no longer exists, it may be a long wait indeed.)