funniest sketches of all time

The funniest comedy sketches in the history of television. I wish i could link you to them all, but oh that proprietary bullshit...
(NLA = no link available)
"The Sanity Clause"
-A Night at the Opera
Okay, this isn't television...but this is what every comedy writer of the 20th century was chasing. It only took half a century or so to catch up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Sy6oiJbEk
"Who's on First?"
-The Abbott & Costello Show
This one first came to fame in radio and movies, and has inspired more imitations than any sketch ever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=airT-m9LcoY
"This Is Your Story"
-Your Show of Shows
TV's breakthrough into the realm of real funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQBlEnsylI0
"The Dentist"
-The Carol Burnett Show
There's been sketch comedy more brilliant, but i'm not sure there's ever been anything more funny than conway cracking up korman.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cUZhHS0PMM
"Philosophy Football"
-Monty Python's Flying Circus
Too smart? Sorry.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur5fGSBsfq8&t=100s
"The Parrot Sketch"
-Monty Python's Flying Circus
There. They can dumb it down, too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE
"NPR's Delicious Dish: Schweddy Balls"
-SNL
Ladies love my balls.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPpcfH_HHH8
"Racial Draft"
-Chapelle's Show
Scattershot satire that misses no mark. NLA, but if you enjoyed "Who's on First?"...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evt6As72m4
"The Niggar Family"
-Chapelle's Show
Preposterous (ly funny). NLA, but if you happened to like "Who's on First?"...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BmTYpVtICE
"Jackie Rodgers' Jr.'s $100,000 Jackpot Wad"
-SNL
From the funniest SNL season ever. NLA - so, what did you think of "Who's on First?"?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mdqv5xIsFLM
"I Know Black People"
-Chapelle's Show
NLA. Never saw the show, but somehow knew the black guy was cleaning up. Just like YOU know there's probably another "Who's on First?" coming...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ETjwNs3Qus
"Haunted Elevator"
-SNL
Can anyone explain why this is hysterical?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rS00xWnqwvI
"Election Night Special"
-Monty Python's Flying Circus
Sllllightly silly...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJVROcKFnBQ
"Chocolate Factory"
-I Love Lucy
No, not technically sketch comedy...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkQ58I53mjk
"Substitute Teacher"
-key & peele
Son of a BITCH!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd7FixvoKBw
"Chippendale's Audition"
-SNL
Shameless? Lowbrow? Hysterical? NLA? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Like the band Yes, who were in that other tribute to "Who's on First?"...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZK5HA5baxBo
"The Cheese Shop"
-Monty Python's Flying Circus
I think it's funnier than you like it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3KBuQHHKx0
"Buckwheat Has Been Shot"
-SNL
An amazing high wire act. Even now, some wouldn't be comfortable finding humor in john lennon's murder. And even though this one's NLA, i promise i'll never again inflict another "Who's on First?" on you.
"Behind the Music: Blue Oyster Cult"
-SNL
NLA. I gotta have more cowbell...and i gotta break my vow about "Who's on First?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0Jg7pvVzKk
"Argument Clinic"
How delightful the lengths they went to never end on a punch line...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y
Too much python, chapelle, and SNL? Make your case! Fill up that comment box!

funniest songs of all time

The biggest challenge for this list in the video age, is whether a song can stand apart from its visual element (or even whether it should). In reverse-alphabetical order, because we're hip like that:
"Who's Next?"
-tom lehrer
Wait, nuclear annihilation can be...funny?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUue4dBZwI8
"White & Nerdy"
-"weird al" yankovic
It's hard to crack this list with a parody...but if it were twice as long, half the additional entries might be al's. It was tempting to finish this list with "Amish Paradise", but there's really only one alphabetically-aligned perfect happy ending.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9qYF9DZPdw
"Start Me Up"
-the Folksmen
This parody is dryly commonplace silliness, until the transcendent tag explodes into heavenly hilarity.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toNjwDa-TTY
"Short People"
-randy newman
We don't use the word "genius" lightly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrjStSqu_w4
"Shame"
-randy newman
If this list were half as long, both of randy's entries would still be here. '77, '99...shouldn't he have had a burst of genius in '88? And '00 and '11, for that matter?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4Iaur2Tlio
"Particle Man"
-They Might Be Giants
Pure absurdity? Social commentary? We just don't know.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOLivyykLqk
"Medical Love Song"
-Monty Python
Another source that might have easily had more entries, especially for fans of traffic lights.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfHCxIiZ_4M
"John Mayer for Dummies"
-Key of Awesome
Is it possible to love this parody in a 100% affectionate way?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZ3FyFFDDiY
"I'm Fucking Ben Affleck"
-jimmy kimmel
The inspiration? Very funny. The response? (Almost) genius.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwIyLHsk2h4
"Here Comes Another One"
-Monty Python
Sit on my lumberjack face? Deserving, but too obvious.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAf0qmjiX7M
"Hannukah Song"
-adam sandler
Covered by both ozzy osborne and neil diamond? No, not really...but i had you going, didn't i?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDV_reO930A
"Fuck Her Gently"
-Tenacious D
And then, they're going to comedy you hard.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvdYly4A5W0
"Dick in a Box"
-The Lonely Island
Even without the genius visuals, the audio alone would make the list.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeWvs27JOCI
"Chocolate Salty Balls"
-isaac hayes
Well, they can't all be oscar wilde.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNYXgV7L-c
"Chocolate"
-The Smothers Brothers
Chocolate!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSmqYSVVpTM
"Business Time"
-Flight of the Conchords
A rare example of the live version being funnier than the funny video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU
"Big Bottom"
-Spinal Tap
Please give close attention to derek's instrument. He'd like that.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qDgCmzh5ao
So...have i missed any? Fill up that comment box!

all-time greatest TV theme songs

In this era of syndication, they've got an unfair earworm advantage over pop songs...but still, greatness must be acknowledged. The links are to the iconic versions when nothing else will do, but most take you to alternate or cover versions that might blow your little minds...
1) "Barney Miller"
-by jack elliott and allyn ferguson
-performed by chuck berghofer
Those opening bass notes, so iconic, indelible, funky, sublime...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL3Q8GNSKi4
2) "Cheers"
-by julian williams, gary portnoy, judy hart angelo
-performed by gary portnoy
Has there ever been a theme that more perfectly captured the essence of a show? But which version? The original? 200th episode extended? NBC 75th birthday? This one by foy vance may be better than any...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wzyij-rsXhw
3) "Mission: Impossible"
-by lalo schifrin
Grinding, nasty, and...slinky? Somehow, yes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWGeRgFa-hI
4) "The Muppet Show"
-by sam pottle and jim henson
The greatest funvitation ever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLDcV_S-BCI&spfreload=10
5) "The Pink Panther Show"
-by henry mancini
Has there ever been a theme song that almost overshadowed a show this big?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtnNO5_Ao6U
6) "Hill Street Blues"
-by mike post (featuring larry carlton)
How about an absolutely shimmery, funky version by rodney franklin?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0HPyXKa6io
7) "Star Trek"
-by alexander courage
Where, where, where did alexander come up with this? And since no musician ever soared higher than maynard ferguson... (but be warned, maynard's GALACTICA is possibly the worst sci fi cover ever).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_v1J-kGxXds
8) "Peter Gunn"
-by henry mancini
No cover comes close.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oysMt8iL9UE
9) "M*A*S*H"
-by johnny mandel, mike altman
Let's go with the movie version, which ups the poignancy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIIqYqtR1lY
10) "The Odd Couple"
-by neal hefti
Well, this is different...rearranged and performed by the composer almost fifty years later, featuring devyn rush.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKFl1EWAZUs
11) "Batman"
-by neal hefti
Get a load of neal postcini.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpWVV8wuM1A
12) "All in the Family"
-by charles strouse, lee adams
How about this cast salute to family viewing hour version? You'll thank me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvrIltxWnS0
13) "Bonanza"
-by ray evans, jay livingston
An end-of-show version filmed for the pilot, and never aired. When you hear it, you'll understand why.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpUd9KecPa4
14) "The Beverly Hillbillies"
-by paul henning
-performed by jerry scoggins with flatt and scruggs
What, you thought i WOULDN'T pick the weird al version?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMiRGCGIfCg
15) "The Greatest American Hero"
-by mike post
-performed by mike post with joey scarbury and larry carlton
The full studio version.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpLI1uf2g0A
16) "Law & Order"
-by mike post
What, never heard the ukulele version?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GT23bwUPHpU
17) "Scooby Doo"
-written by david mook, ben raleigh
-performed by larry marks or george a. robertson jr.
Both versions are worthy, but let's go with george:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_C2HJvtRDY
18) "The Big Bang Theory"
-by barenaked ladies
The fuller, geekier version.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KTA50Z9Z0U
19) "Welcome Back, Kotter"
-by john sebastian
The fuller, harmonicalized version.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZzEzDkeHzI
20) "It's Garry Shandling's Show"
-by joey carbone, alan zweibel, garry shandling
-performed by bill lynch
Wait...the singer didn't write it? Oh garry.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqO1HO9VpLo
21) "The Rockford Files"
-by mike post, pete carpenter
Mike post...he's no mancini. Spaced-out synth, folky harmonica, rock god guitar...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hj8V5sRVXGk
21) "What's Happening!!"
-by henry mancini
Henry mancini...he's no mike post. The full mancini...slinkiest organ solo ever?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22tfSmhqwkQ

greatest sci fi shows of all time

1 - STAR TREK (1966-1969)
Any other choice would be illogical. And dispassionate.
2 - STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION (1987-1994)
Lightning never strikes...thrice?
3 - FIREFLY (2002-2003)
Maybe they would have gradually run out of creative juice, and been merely good? One reaches for consolation as best one can.
4 - BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (1978-1979)
You had us at frak.
5 - BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY (1979-1981)
Top five, despite a titanic (in the unfortunate sense) second season.
6 - STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE (2001-2005)
Does bakula not realize how superior this is to his other sci fi series? Do you?
7 - LAND OF THE LOST (1974-1977)
Isn't it time for the holly and cha-ka spin-off?
8 - STAR TREK: VOYAGER (1995-2001)
A bit flaccid the first three seasons, but it soared the rest of the voyage home.
9 - BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (2004-2009)
Had it ended after two seasons, it would have placed higher than the classic. Plus, they never once say "felgercarb". I mean, that's just phasering yourself in the foot, right?
10 - THE BIONIC WOMAN (1976-1978)
It outshines the parent show because of the humanist touches mandated by star lindsay wagner.
11 - CAPRICA (2009-2010)
After a snoozy start, it blisters with brains and brawn.
12 - STARGATE: UNIVERSE (2009-2011)
Dark and desolate. The franchise kept getting better...yet progressively less successful.
13 - LOGAN'S RUN (1977-1978)
Surprisingly wild and wonderful...with the first female sci fi lead as strong and capable as her male counterpart.
14 - SPACE: 1999 (1975-1977)
Smarts (though sometimes dumbs), chemistry, and classic visuals. They overhauled season 2 with hoary hollywoodization...though not nearly so painfully as #s 4-5.
15 - STAR BLAZERS (1979-1984)
I could perhaps be taken to task for padding the list, but this one's a guilty pleasure. Have they released the unexpurgated version yet?
16 - PLANET OF THE APES (1974)
Not brilliant, but charming as heck. The irrepressible roddy mcdowall joins ron harper, the only actor to appear twice on this list (what, you were expecting dorn?).
17 - STARGATE: ATLANTIS (2004-2009)
Great characters, great drama, great visuals, okay writing...
18 - LOST IN SPACE (1965-1968)
Mindless, but masterful in premise, performance, and characterization. Couldn't we all use a robot who shouts "danger"? My romantic life would benefit tremendously. 
19 - WONDER WOMAN (1975-1979)
NOT a sci fi show...but apparently the producers didn't get the memo. See episodes 10-11,24-25,35,43,50,51, and 56-57.

Caveat: this reviewer hasn't seen BLAKE'S 7, LAND OF THE GIANTS, DARK ANGEL, THE CHAMPIONS, THE PRISONER, any anime since 1984, or either OUTER LIMITS.

funniest shows of all time

1 - MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS (1969-1974)
Is it possible to be the silliest AND smartest comedy ever? Is that even fair?
2 - WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? (1988-2006, 2013-?)
The british version is superior, but the american is top-ten too. Anderson, proops, slattery, stiles, mochrie, carey, brady, tyler...
3 - POLICE SQUAD! (1982)
The ZAZzy mr. nielsen, surely the greatest comic lead ever.
4 - CHAPELLE'S SHOW (2003-2006)
Season 2, the funniest comedy season ever.
5 - DA ALI G SHOW (2000-2004)
Python intelligence plus smothers audacity equals the most animated laugh responses ever.
6 - MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 (1988-1999)
It transcended its subject matter by tapping into the only sane response to this world...make fun of it 'til you drop. Joel is the gold standard during the host segments...but when the films roll, the mike years don't drop off one bit.
7 - THE DAILY SHOW WITH JOHN STEWART (1996-2015)
Transcendent wit meets unrelenting writing.
8 - SOAP (1977-1981)
The greatest comedy ensemble ever.
9 - AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS (1989-?)
Saget is the gold standard, and not just because he hosted drunk toward the end. But bergeron is bearable, and even fugelsang/fuentes were forgivable. The funniest clips never become finalists, but like another show, the points don't matter.
10 - M*A*S*H (1972-1983)
Even when they got serious, they found a higher standard of funny than any sitcom ever.
11 - THE MUPPET SHOW (1976-1981)
The only chef ever to outshine julia, plus the greatest peanut gallery of all time.
12 - THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JOHNNY CARSON (1962-1992)
He made pretenders out of all who came before. Or after.
13 - THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW (1967-1978)
Conway cracking up korman - a lightning strike of which we've never again seen the like.
14 - MATCH GAME (1973-1982)
Nelson. Reilly. Charles (for brevity's sake, i wanted to go with just those three words, but it would be irresponsible to not mention the gene/charles/brett/richard chemistry, which was the difference between brilliant and olympian).
15 - SEINFELD (1989-1998)
The greatest comedy co-leads ever.
16 - THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW (1992-1998)
Rather than be another johnny-come-lately (and having no chance of making this list), shandling took his insider's knowledge and seamlessly subverted the genre.
17 - THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS COMEDY HOUR (1967-1970)
The most fearless comedy ever.
18 - SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (1975-?)
With apologies to mr. wheat and ignorant sluts, laugh for laugh, the greatest season was the crystal/guest/short/shearer one-off.
19 - ALL IN THE FAMILY (1971-1979)
Hear that toilet flush? That's the sound of sitcoms never being the same again.
20 - I LOVE LUCY (1951-1957)
The greatest television physical comedian ever.
21 - YOUR SHOW OF SHOWS (1950-1954)
"This is Your Story" - the first to ever hold the title "greatest sketch ever", and sixty years later still a contender.
22 - CPO SHARKEY (1976-1978)
Just kidding, you hockey pucks.

if you're young...

If you're young, you'll live to see...
1) The end of separate "best actor/best actress" movie awards.
2) The last execution.
3) The first female president.
4) The first asian president.
5) The first openly atheist president.
6) The first openly non-heterosexual president.
7) If we're verrrry lucky, 3-6 might be all rolled into one.
8) The last president.
9) The last prison.
10) The last pope.
11) The last lottery.
(Okay, i can't guarantee each and every one of these within that time frame. Prognostication is an inexact venture. But isn't it amazing to sit a child upon your knee and think about how many of these they'll witness?)

best songs ever

Objectivity be damned. The AOATGAF has spoken.
----------------------------------
Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen
Imagine, John Lennon
Hotel California, Eagles
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, Monty Python
What's Going On?, Marvin Gaye
You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch, Thurl Ravenscroft
Shine On You Crazy Diamond, Pink Floyd
Stairway to Heaven, Led Zeppelin
American Pie, Don McLean
Short People, Randy Newman
Feels So Good, chuck mangione
Black Water, The Doobie Brothers
Tempted, Squeeze
I've Seen All Good People, Yes
Liar, Rollins Band
Taxi, Harry Chapin
I.G.Y, Donald Fagen
Sunflowers, Wynton Marsalis Septet
Africa, Toto
Down on the Corner, Creedence Clearwater Revival
The Sound of Silence, Simon & Garfunkel
Free as a Bird, The Beatles
Sir Duke, Stevie Wonder
In the Air Tonight, Phil Collins
Virtual Insanity, Jamiroquai
The Logical Song, Supertramp
All Things Must Pass, George Harrison
Romeo and Juliet, Dire Straits
Billy Jean, Michael Jackson
Dust in the Wind, Kansas
White Lines, Grandmaster Melle Mel
Helplessly Hoping, Crosby, Stills, and Nash
Yes I Am, Lyle Lovett
All You Need is Love, The Beatles
The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, Gordon Lightfoot
Wonderful World, Art Garfunkel
Leader of the Band, Dan Fogelberg
You're So Vain, Carly Simon
Free Bird, Lynyrd Skynyrd
Late in the Evening, Paul Simon
December 1963 (Oh What a Night), Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons
God Only Knows, The Beach Boys
Chameleon, maynard ferguson
Big Bottom, Spinal Tap
Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, Jim Croce
Afternoon Delight, Starland Vocal Band
Closer, Nine Inch Nails
Hurt, Johnny Cash
Three Views of a Secret, Word of Mouth
Brick House, The Commodores
Life's Been Good, Joe Walsh
Aeroplane, Red Hot Chili Peppers
Comfortably Numb, Pink Floyd
Reminiscing, Little River Band
Sowing the Seeds of Love, Tears for Fears
For What It's Worth, The Buffalo Springfield
Sexual Healing, Marving Gaye
Garden Party, Rick Nelson
Watching the Wheels, John Lennon
Islands in the Stream, the Bee Gees
A Case of You, Joni Mitchell
Don't Call Me Nigger, Whitey, Sly and the Family Stone
Boy From New York City, Manhattan Transfer
Kashmir, Led Zeppelin
Just Dropped In, The First Edition
Eminence Front, The Who
Have a Cigar, Pink Floyd
What a Wonderful World, Louis Armstrong
Jack and Diane, John Mellencamp
Time After Time, Cyndi Lauper
Werewolves of London, Warren Zevon
Harvest Moon, Neil Young
Puff the Magic Dragon, Peter, Paul, and Mary
Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey, Paul McCartney
Peace Train, Cat Stevens
Don't Stand So Close to Me, The Police
Love Shack, The B-52s
Knockin' On Heaven's Door, Bob Dylan
I Don't Need Your Rockin' Chair, George Jones
Mama Told Me (Not to Come), Three Dog Night
Sail on Sailor, The Beach Boys
Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley
I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor
I Want Your Sex pts. 1-3, George Michael
Alone Again (Naturally), Gilbert O'Sullivan
Steppin' Out, Joe Jackson
Love the One You're With, Stephen Stills
Don't Drink the Water, Dave Matthews Band
No One is to Blame, Howard Jones
Still the One, Orleans
Crazy, Gnarls Barkley
Baker Street, Gerry Rafferty
Love on the Rocks, Neil Diamond
Sledgehammer, Peter Gabriel
The Cool, Cool River, Paul Simon
On and On, Stephen Bishop
Murder By Numbers, The Police
Something About You, Level 42
Lovin', Huggin', Squeezin', Journey
Atlantis, Donovan
Mama, Genesis
If, Bread
Heroin, The Velvet Underground
One Week, Barenaked Ladies
Kiss, Prince
Shame, Randy Newman
Leave It, Yes
Railroad Worksong, Notting Hillbillies
No Diggity, Blackstreet
Saint Augustine in Hell, sting
High Hopes, Pink Floyd

spirit songs

The songs that have most touched my spirit. In semi-random order...
---------------------------------
Bein' Green, kermit the frog
Imagine, john lennon
Lost Soul, bruce hornsby
Vincent, don mclean
The Impossible Dream, leigh/darion
Captain of a Shipwreck, Neil Diamond
God, john lennon
Fade to Black, Dire Straits
None of the Above, Duran Duran
The Sad Cafe, Eagles
Peace is Just a Word, The Eurythmics
River of Dreams, Glenn Frey
Piece of Clay, Marvin Gaye
Sexual Healing, Marvin Gaye
What's Going On?, Marvin Gaye
Alice's Restaurant, Arlo Guthrie
I'll Be With You Tonight, Arlo Guthrie
Someplace Else, George Harrison
The Garden of Allah, Don Henley
Halcyon Days, Bruce Hornsby
The Way It Is, Bruce Hornsby
Earth Song, Michael Jackson
Empty Garden (Hey Hey Johnny), Elton John
Writing, Elton John
I Don't Want to be a Hero, Johnny Hates Jazz
Dust in the Wind, Kansas
Victims of Comfort, Keb' Mo'
The Rainbow Connection, Kermit
Watching the Wheels, John Lennon
Woman is the Nigger of the World, John Lennon
Is It Me?, Huey Lewis & the News
I'm Not Supposed to Care, Gordon Lightfoot
Human Nature, Madonna
Can't Smile Without You, Barry Manilow
The Other Me, Paul McCartney
Key West Intermezzo, John Mellencamp
Spinning the Wheel, George Michael
Closer, Nine Inch Nails
Alone Again (Naturally), Gilbert O'Sullivan
Something to Believe In, Poison
Everybody Hurts, R.E.M.
Can't Fight This Feeling, REO Speedwagon
I Can't Make You Love Me, Bonnie Raitt
The Water is Wide, Pete Seeger
Love, Paul Simon
Train in the Distance, Paul Simon
Stars, Simply Red
Human Touch, Bruce Springsteen
One Step Up, Bruce Springsteen
Some Guys Have All the Luck, Rod Stewart
They Dance Alone, Sting
Lord Is It Mine, Supertramp
The Frozen Man, James Taylor
Secret o' Life, James Taylor
Woman in Chains, Tears for Fears
Help Me Through the Night, Joe Walsh
Three Wishes, Roger Waters
Break My Stride, Matthew Wilder
Days are Numbers (The Traveller), The Alan Parsons Project
What a Wonderful World, louis armstrong
Fool on the Hill, The Beatles
He Went to Paris, Jimmy Buffett
Cat's in the Cradle, Harry Chapin
There Only Was One Choice, Harry Chapin
Let Time Go Lightly, Steve Chapin
Hard Habit to Break, Chicago
I Love You, Climax Blues Band
I Lie Awake (and dream of you), Clover
Hero, David Crosby

greatest U.S.americans (& worst)

(There may of course be enormous fallacies herein, as certitude and history are almost mutually exclusive. And of course, subjectivity renders this exercise almost silly. But it's fun. Brown or William Lloyd Garrison? Lincoln or Douglass? Twain or Vonnegut? Both Debs and Keller? Yeah, otherwise no woman. Bruce or Flynt? Should Brown also be on the "worst" list?)
GREATEST AMERICANS IN U.S. HISTORY
Ben Franklin
Thomas Jefferson
John Brown
Abraham Lincoln
Mark Twain
Eugene Debs
Thomas Edison
Helen Keller
Lenny Bruce
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Cesar Chavez
Muhammed Ali
(honorable mention: native american genocide victims)
WORST AMERICANS IN U.S. HISTORY
Anthony Comstock
Alexander Hamilton
Andrew Jackson
Woodrow Wilson
Joe McCarthy
J. Edgar Hoover
Karl Rove
(dishonorable mention: Christopher Columbus)

greatest maxmas movies

1) HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS!
Thurl Ravenscroft. I just like saying "Thurl Ravenscroft".
2) IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
Get him. He's givin' out wings.
3) THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS
Heat Miser. Cold Miser. 'Nuff said.
4) SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN
"Burgermeister Meisterburger" is the second-coolest nickname anyone's ever called me (the other one's a bit sexier).
5) MIRACLE ON 34th STREET
I resisted watching this one for many years, out of some sort of bizarre loyalty to #2 on this list. I was wrong, i was wrong, i've said it, i was wrong.
6) LOVE ACTUALLY
The most grown-up Maxmas film, the most "real" romantic comedy, and the greatest ensemble film. Ever. If someone described the "naughty" bits to a prude, they'd never watch it. Yet it's so deftly made that it feels like a family comedy, suitable for all...which it is.
7) RUDOLF, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
Bumbles bounce!
8) RUDOLF'S SHINY NEW YEAR
And the Rankin-Bass stop-motion magic rolls on...
9) 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Rankin-Bass showing they can do conventional animation too...brilliant performances by Joel Grey and George Gobel, and the unforgettable "Even a Miracle Needs a Hand".
10) A MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL
The hands-down best performance of Michael Caine's career. The most startling endorsement i can give is that for more than fifteen minutes, i forgot that Jim Henson had died.
************************
Special Awards of Merit:
A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
-Not unlike a photographic negative of the following two films. But for one moment of (religious) mawkishness, it's quite sublime.
EMMET OTTER'S JUGBAND CHRISTMAS & THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
-Each has one song ("What's This", "River Bottom Nightmare Band") that is as off-the-charts good as any moment of any Maxmas magic ever.

24 random things about me

1) I've experienced earthquake, electrocution, hurricane, flood, blizzard, tornado, close lightning strike, and active volcano.
2) I missed being attacked by a shark, by inches.
3) I have one rounded ear, and one pointed.
4) I was in the first group of foreigners allowed into China after the Tiananmen Square uprisings.
5) I relate well to most people because i've been the youngest child, middle child, and oldest son.
6) I've been bald, and had hair down to my mid-back.
7) William Shatner thanked me.
8) I've been paid to be naked in public, and i've done it for free.
9) I've had a yeast infection.
10) I've played both Oscar and Felix.
11) I've been investigated.
12) I've had a number of sexual relationships in which she came, and i didn't.
13) I have an arachnoid brain cyst.
14) Thinking too deeply about infinity or death makes my brain shut down.
15) I once masturbated for three straight hours.
16) I once played volleyball for eight (but nobody questions whether i'm volley-obsessed).
17) I was born with a pebble-sized bump on my head.
18) Some people think i'm the most gentle, diplomatic person they've ever met. Some think i'm inappropriate and tactless. They're all right.
19) The only thing i fear is death.
20) The only thing i'm conflicted about is having children.
21) I grew up with a messiah complex.
22) Favorite smell? Baby.
23) I am content to die unknown or have my words affect trillions.
24) The only man i've ever met who was less likely to find a mate was a drug addict with personality disorders. You may laugh, that's pretty funny.

favorite movies

The G.A.A.T.G.A.F. (grand arbiter of all things goodly and fine) has spoken.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Young Frankenstein
This Is Spinal Tap
A Night at the Opera
Airplane!
Duck Soup
Tootsie
American Beauty
The Birdcage
The Full Monty
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Victor/Victoria
Blazing Saddles
The Jungle Book
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
The Naked Gun
The Muppet Movie
Shakespeare in Love
My Dinner with Andre
Twelve Angry Men
Borat
Best In Show
Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan
Ishtar
Patton
Tombstone
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Animal Crackers
Star Trek: First Contact
Notting Hill
10
M*A*S*H
Top Secret!
Monkey Business
It’s a Wonderful Life
Labyrinth
sex, lies, and videotape
The Jazz Singer (neil)
The Wall
Airplane2
Religulous
The Rutles
Horse Feathers
The Princess Bride
Animal House
Jaws
The Terminator
The Beastmaster
Jesus Christ Superstar
Das Boot
Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice
Battlestar Galactica
Star Trek: Insurrection
A Mighty Wind
The Big Chill
Maverick
Pleasantville
Savannah Smiles
Mumford
The Unbelievable Truth
Defending Your Life
MST: The Movie
Deliverance
Last Tango in Paris
As Good as It Gets
Star Trek: The Voyage Home
Aliens
Reservoir Dogs
Dangerous Liaisons
Kentucky Fried Movie
Galaxy Quest
Duets
Schindler’s List
The Naked Gun 2 1/2
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Dave
Bulworth
The Matrix
The Lover
Monty Python's The Life of Brian
Un Moment d’Egarement
Tribute
Bull Durham
Pulp Fiction
Witness
Predator
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Blame It on Rio

GREATEST ALL-TIME MUSIC VIDEOS

“The Beautiful People”, marilyn manson
"Stupid Girl", pink
“Gone Daddy Gone”, Gnarls Barkley
“Virtual Insanity”, Jamiroqui
“Wynona's Big Brown Beaver", Primus
“Steam”, peter gabriel
"Outside", george michael
"Mama", Genesis
“Liar”, Rollins Band
“Whip It”, Devo
“Closer”, Nine Inch Nails
"Rio", mike nesmith
“Dick in a Box”, samberg & timberlake
“White and Nerdy”, weird al yankovic
“Rock DJ”, robbie williams
“Sledgehammer”, peter gabriel

"The Hate is Real", Body Count

AWESOMEST ALBUMS

A great album is one in which the non-singles are cherished as much as (or more) than the famous songs. In no particular order...
SGT. PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND, The Beatles
BITCHES BREW, miles davis
HOTEL CALIFORNIA, Eagles
SYNCHRONICITY, The Police
WISH YOU WERE HERE, Pink Floyd
THE JAZZ SINGER, neil diamond
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC AND THE BROWN DIRT COWBOY, elton john
AMUSED TO DEATH, roger waters
THRILLER, michael jackson
BAD LOVE, randy newman
SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE, stevie wonder
GRACELAND, paul simon
BRIAN WILSON, brian wilson
WORD OF MOUTH, jaco pastorius
SMALL CHANGE, tom waits
BAND ON THE RUN, paul mccartney
PARADISE THEATER, Styx
PETE, pete seeger
THIS IS SPINAL TAP, Spinal Tap
PET SOUNDS, The Beach Boys
THE MUPPET MOVIE, soundtrack
GENESIS, Genesis
TAPESTRY, carole king
SO, peter gabriel
VERITIES AND BALDERDASH, harry chapin
WHAT’S GOING ON, marvin gaye
GIANT STEPS, john coltrane
SO MUCH SHOUTING/SO MUCH LAUGHTER, ani difranco
ABBEY ROAD, The Beatles
THE RUTLES, The Rutles
PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME, Simon & Garfunkel
TRAVELING WILBURYS VOL. 1, Traveling Wilburys
FRAMPTON COMES ALIVE!, peter frampton
TEN SUMMONER’S TALES, sting
ALL THINGS MUST PASS, george harrison
A MIGHTY WIND, soundtrack
SUNSHINE ON LEITH, The Proclaimers
WHO'S NEXT, The Who
KIND OF BLUE, miles davis
ENDLESS FLIGHT, leo sayer
FACE VALUE, phil collins
PURPLE RAIN, prince
INSIDE JOB, don henley
KEB’ MO’, keb’ mo’
CHAMELEON, maynard ferguson
BLOODSUGARSEXMAGIK, Red Hot Chili Peppers
TWELVE SONGS, neil diamond
52nd STREET, billy joel
NECK AND NECK, mark knopfler and chet atkins
LIVE AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL, chuck mangione
GO INSANE, lindsay buckingham
FULL CIRCLE, Birtles Shorrock Goble
BREAKFAST IN AMERICA, Supertramp
EPITAPH, charles mingus
EVEN NOW, barry manilow
MISSING, PRESUMED HAVING A GOOD TIME, The Notting Hillbillies
PLASTIC ONO BAND, john lennon
THE WALL, Pink Floyd
OLDER, george michael
THE MAN COMES AROUND, johnny cash
MONTY PYTHON SINGS!, Monty Python
ISHTAR, soundtrack
LOST AND GONE FOREVER, Guster
FAUST, randy newman

BAD MEAT: THE 11 WORST FILMS OF ALL TIME

What an interesting and fun task. I’ve found it to be more subjective than the “best” list. My badness formula is: expectation, plus the severity of negative feeling excited, minus redeeming value. Therefore many horrible films aren’t on the list simply because of the expectation (or lack thereof) surrounding them. For example, we had the downward spiral of JAWS 2 and 3 to prepare us for REVENGE. And the reverse operates too, with one or two entries appearing only because of hopeful expectation. JEDI and Carrey’s GRINCH both hurt me more deeply than several films here, but they had redeeming qualities. With the human tendency to bury traumatic experiences, it’s also possible that i’ve simply lost the memory of certain deserving films. And of course there are any number of horrible films i’ve never seen (ZARDOZ, most SNL products…). But enough, time for the meat.
11) HOWARD THE DUCK
Watch it. I dare you. No, i double dare you.
10) BATTLEFIELD EARTH
I must confess something i’m not entirely proud of. I was actually hoping this film would be…not very good. Because of the scientology association. Please understand, some very dear friends of mine are scientologists, and there are some tenets of scientology which are goodly and evolved. But there are some wrongheaded principles (on homosexuality for instance, and other stuff that South Park dealt so beautifully with)…plus if the reports are correct, they employ Gestapo tactics in dealing with those who leave the fold. Scary stuff. But this movie…i felt almost guilty that i had wished it badness, for i never envisioned the stinking wretchedness that issued forth.
9) ALI G INDAHOUSE: THE MOVIE
This movie is quite nearly as awful as BORAT is good. So very, very nearly. An object lesson in…a young talent given a movie too soon? A young talent not having enough clout to call the shots in his own film?
8) GREASE 2
If you've not seen it, i recommend you watch the first fifteen minutes, and if your lips don't become semi-perpetually parted, then check for a pulse. I'm almost certain the producers had a behind-closed-doors meeting once the film was assembled, and agonized over doing the unthinkable, not releasing a film they had just invested 13 million dollars on. Mind......numbing.
7) Every Tarzan film made since…
At the very least, forty years worth of godawfulness. A four-decade parade of perpetual puke. Probably longer. There were some allegedly good ones in the sixties, but…i have my doubts. I was tempted to title this entry “every color Tarzan film”, for some of the black and white ones had charm. But even the Weissmuller films are profound failures when it comes to capturing the wonderfulness of the Burroughs novels. No movie has ever come close. And the versions of the past twenty-five years have been so off-the-charts wretched...let's try to leave this entry with a little dignity and not even think about which was worse, TARZAN IN MANHATTAN, GREYSTOKE, the Derek debacle, or the Van Dien one. It is to cry…
6) A VIEW TO A KILL
How did the franchise survive? Insufferably winky, horribly wooden (sorry, Tanya)…if you’d told me that a worse Bond than OCTOPUSSY could ever be made, i would have laughed.
5) SUMMER IN SAINT TROPEZ
David Hamilton pulls of the near-impossible. How, how, HOW in the name of sanity do you make naked french girls frolicking in paradise boring? He did it, somehow he did it. Within twelve minutes, mockery is the only defense. Even alone, you have no choice but to start verbally roasting the awfulness…
4) INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM
The devotion that RAIDERS engendered made the only sane reaction to this movie unbridled disgust. I can’t even bring myself to say the words…ohh…oh, okay we’re grownups here. I’ll say it. Short Round. There. I said it.
3) WYATT EARP
Great actors. Lawrence Kasdan. Kasdan, for *&^%’s sake! But this movie’s awfulness is soul-sucking and relentless. It sneaks up on you. In the first hour you’re still…hopeful. During the second hour you’re trying to wish away a creeping, horrible feeling. If you survive the whole thing, you feel nothing but dirty and violated. It’s one of only two movies that have ever left me physically ill. I was so shell-shocked and not in my right mind when it ended that i saw there were deleted scenes, and i…Odin help me, i watched them. Sometimes perversity is the only option. One of them provided the only moments of entertainment in four hours of screen time.
2) JOHNNY PNEMONIC
I have never experienced such a profound sense of embarrassment for actors on a screen. I couldn’t get through it. Not even close.
1) BEASTMASTER 2: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME
Hello, Mr. Tabot. Delighted you could finally join us. Right this way to your table, sir. You’ll be dining with the Rove/Bundy/Caligula party. The main course tonight will be acid. Uh, no, Mr. Tabot, not that kind… (author’s note: Hell, like real estate, is a figment of overactive human imagination).