"Galactica 1980"

-created by glen a. larson
1980
Okay, don't get stressed. YES, there are some creations so profoundly, encompassingly wrong that one shouldn't even dignify their existence by mentioning them. Yes, this one's as wretched as you remember, or as bad as you've heard. Except...maybe, just maybe, not that second part. Maybe, just maybe it's only cataclysmically horrible if you watch it after experiencing all the charm of the parent show. Maybe viewed a few decades down the road, you might be able to appreciate a "so bad it's good" quality. Or maybe, even just maybe, there was a genuine attempt to make some kind of lemonade out of smoldering, beautiful lemon shards. Or not. That it ought have been killed in utero, i'm not denying. Nor was this a case of "elvis has left the building", as creator glen larson is still at the helm (was this demon seed an intentional nose-thumbing to the studio, for jerking him around?). Yet maybe just maybe, with the right frame of mind, it might be one of the most hysterical things you'll ever see. The classic cast? GONE. So the creators jump thirty years ahead, to when the fleet finally finds Earth. Fair enough. But wait...the cast isn't all gone. One of our heroes is still alive. Is it apollo or sheba or boxey, leading the fleet home? Well, no. It's...adama. Adama? As in MOST likely to be long dead? Okay, he's the george burns of space (it's not hard to figure out why - i'm sure lorne greene had the heftiest contract, which the studio was loathe to swallow). And...they also bring back boomer (herbert jefferson jr. - BLACK GUNN, APOLLO 13) for a thankless supporting role. Plus...boxey! Or the grown-up version of him (kent mccord - ADAM-12, AIRPLANE II: THE SEQUEL), now senior fleet pilot. Toss in barry van dyke (THE HARVEY KORMAN SHOW, DIAGNOSIS MURDER) as his wingmate, a dollar-store beard for adama, and we're ready to turbo! Or not. Realizing that 20th-century Earth is too primitive to resist the cylons, a convoluted plan to seed advanced technology on Earth is concocted by adolescent savant dr. zee. Yes, the writing often struggles to rise above infantile. But they try, they really do! And you might be bowled over by "that guy"/ guest star juiciness. Add a reluctant Earth reporter (robyn douglass - BREAKING AWAY, THE LONELY GUY) who tosses her lot in with our heroes. All three leads are rather wooden, but let's give the benefit of the doubt and blame the writing.

-Galactica Discovers Earth

A (simulated) cylon attack on Earth! Flying motorcycles! Right out of the gate, robbie rist (THE BRADY BUNCH, THE BIONIC WOMAN) is so annoying as dr. zee, he'll be replaced by the fourth episode. And why didn't PLANET OF THE APES issue an injunction against his name? The classic cast is invoked in recycled credits images, and during some cringe-worthy exposition. We're off to Earth in this three-parter, as boxey (call me troy, please) and dillon make contact with a nuclear physicist (robert reed - THE BRADY BUNCH, ROOTS), to goose his research. Stow that smirk, reed's actually spot-on and well-written. If they were hoping to make it all feel more familiar by using guest actors who did classic sci fi turns, it works. Richard lynch, back from "Gun on Ice Planet Zero", is the ruthless commander xavier, who goes renegade (and back in time) to help create nazi superweapons. Pamela susan shoop (BUCK ROGERS "Vegas in Space", also featuring lynch), michael strong (STAR TREK "What are Little Girls made of?"), and sharon acker (STAR TREK "The Mark of Gideon") are also tantalizingly familiar. Our three heroes follow xavier. Look - an adorable jewish moppet running from a boxcar! They talk about a temporal prime directive...then say screw it. Part 3 meanders (devolves?) into a set-up for the following episode, wherein xavier has traveled to 18th-century america. But that plotline will be completely ignored, in favor of...
-The Super Scouts
It's tempting to make a joke about a shark-jumped franchise clearing a second shark, but let's not overstate the watchability of the first three episodes. This two-part affront to plausibility however, may be where your clearest memories of the show's awfulness reside - in the image of Galactica children posing as boy scouts, while being able to leap twenty feet because of planetside gravity differential. It all actually starts rather excitingly, with a cylon attack on a stray fleet ship (a sequence, however, that begs the question of where the line is between stock footage and clip show). Boomer gets in a viper! Troy and dillon manage to rescue twelve kids, but they can't make it back to the fleet, so they land on Earth and three of them get sick from polluted water, so they take on a chemical plant in an environmental crusade. Along the way, they're chased by two motorcycle CHiPies (including an uncredited james daughton - ANIMAL HOUSE, SPIES LIKE US). Dr. zee is now played by patrick stuart (EXIT TO EDEN, ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE), who gets to use his own voice but quickly proves that the problem wasn't the actor. We've got a fumbling sheriff, a conscienceless colonel, and a slimy industrialist (mike kellin - THE WACKIEST SHIP IN THE ARMY, THE JAZZ SINGER) who has an ebeneezer scrooge moment with adama inside a UFO, and gets to show some delightful comedic chops. The more ominous the moment, the greater you may laugh - that has to count for something, right?
-Spaceball
Please, please, PLEASE tell me this is the low point of the series, or lordisa help me i'm getting the razor. It's no longer bad in a good way. Xavier is back...but richard lynch is not (it's not hard to imagine what happened - as the series villain, he asked for more money than the producers wanted to give). His new appearance is explained by evil cosmetic surgery (he's also five inches taller and has a british accent, so he MUST be evil!). He strands troy and dillon in a decaying orbit; throughout the episode, they cut back to them and the "drifting" effect is done by showing a still photo (yup). Taking care of the kids and trying to keep a low profile, jamie gets them into, um, a televised baseball game. Do they use their super-gravity powers to win the game? Go on, guess. Perhaps two year-olds might fall for this one, but any self-respecting three year-old would respond, "Is this a joke?" Given how hip three year-olds can be, you might even get the nigel tufnel accent.
-The Night the Cylons Landed
Why does whale music play whenever dr. zee appears? In the ONLY good space scouts scene ever (due to an incidental MST treatment years later), they watch a screening of THIS ISLAND EARTH. Then they're dispensed of and replaced by cylons, returning this entire two-part episode to the "so silly and wrong it's hysterical" groove. Troy and dillon go to NY where a ship is about to crash...but it's not colonial, it's a highly advanced cylon craft with a new breed inside - human replicas (during the BSG re-boot years later, one forgets that "human" cylons actually started here - isn't repressed memory a funny thing?). A humanoid and a centurion survive the crash, and set off for a radio station to send a signal back to the Empire. Coincidentally it's Halloween, and a couple (including william daniels - THE GRADUATE, KNIGHT RIDER) who work at a radio station pick them up, thinking they're in party attire. And it looks like another actor asked for a raise, as there's a new air force colonel on their tail, played by peter mark richman (THREE'S COMPANY, THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2). Part 2 descends (elevates?) into the most LSD-inspired galactica ever. Scooby doo dancing to "Zip a Dee Doo Dah". Cylons kidnapping wolfman jack. A centurion taken down by a microwave. Troy and dillon in white tuxes with tails, dancing to "The Good Ship Lollipop". Central Park toughs trying to mug cylons. What, you're waiting for me to tell you i made one of those up? Val bisoglio (M*A*S*H, QUINCY M.E.) joins the trip.
-Space Croppers
A ripping cylon attack destroys two agroships! We see the imperious leader for the only time this season...i beg you, turn the sound off while he's speaking. Desperate for food, Galactica sends troy and dillon to start a farm colony on Earth. They team up with an oppressed farmer (ned romero - SHANE, ROSWELL), and the episode turns into a parable about a greedy fatcat (dana elcar - THE STING, MACGYVER) trying to rub out all the little guys, with a dash of racism for good measure. Ana alicia (FALCON CREST, HALLOWEEN II), formerly starbuck-bedeviling aurora, is back as a randy farmer's daughter. We've also got five seconds of dennis haysbert (MAJOR LEAGUE 1-3, 24) as a viper pilot and walking apology to patrick macnee. When they change robyn douglass out of her frumpy reporter attire into dungarees, your hormones may go on point. For a generic 1980 network social drama, "Space Croppers" isn't awful. But it has nothing to do with a show once known as BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. The moment that may subconsciously traumatize you more than any scene in the series (and i can't really explain why), is when our heroes use their amazing leaping ability to...plant seeds. Hopping over the fields they go.
-The Return of Starbuck
I'm going to say something i've never said about any creation - there may not be a human alive qualified to review this. Is it awful? Even appalling, in more ways than one could enumerate? Yes. Is it also...wonderful? Maybe. Or maybe it's a just a balm on the wound that was inflicted on all those adoring fans who were too loyal to walk away from this season of hell. Starbuck, the one and only dirk benedict, is back. The set-up is actually a (gulp) dr. zee origin story. He has a dream in which a warrior is stranded on a barren planet with only the corpses of his enemies for company. He reanimates one of them, and the first cylon-human friendship is born. Seeing his friend's loneliness, cy (gary owens - LAUGH-IN, EUROPEAN VACATION) goes off and returns with a pregnant woman (judith chapman - THE FALL GUY, THE SWEETEST THING). A patchwork ship is built, and starbuck sacrifices his place aboard so that mother and child might survive. Cy sacrifices his own life, to save starbuck from a cylon patrol. The mother is from another dimension, and the baby dr. zee is finally found by the fleet, alone. I promise you, if you tendered that script to any fan in 1979, their response would have been incoherent wailing. And yet...it's dirk benedict, dear friends. As starbuck. And some of the scenes with cy actually come across with depth and resonance. Is it awful? Yes. But we may never see its like again.

"BSG: Blood & Chrome"

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: BLOOD & CHROME ***
-created by michael taylor and david eich
2012
Set ten years after CAPRICA and forty before BSG, the story follows the first military mission of William Adama, in the first war against the cylons. As an over-achieving recruit, Adama is chagrined to be assigned a "milk run", far from the action. There are a myriad of secrets and misdirections about to be exposed, though. The film is visually breathtaking, and the action breakneck. Perhaps more attention to character might have been a good thing...with the exception of Adama, one doesn't care greatly about anyone. Eich was the co-creator of the BSG re-boot, but character may have been more the realm of his partner Ronald Moore. Or it may just be that the chemistry doesn't quite pop. The story itself is a winner - an overeager young pilot (Luke Pasqualino) partnered with a cynical veteran on his last mission (Ben Cotton), transporting a mysterious, alluring passenger (Lili Bordan). You can see Adama thinking with his little head, not the big one...but Lili comes off flat, like a brilliant foreign actress who is out of her element speaking english. Nonetheless, there's not a production flaw in this gem, and franchise fans will find great satisfaction. There are hat-tips to the classic: for that reason alone, an evening of this and RAZOR would be a lovely ride.

"Caprica"

2009-2010
This prequel to the 2004 reboot of BSG didn't survive into a second season. And it's understandable why - for a long stretch, the show loses its sharpness. Set fifty years prior, the main characters are daniel graystone (eric stoltz - MASK, PULP FICTION), a caprican scientist whose company invents the cylons, and joseph adama (esai morales - LA BAMBA, NYPD BLUE), a tauron lawyer, and father of william adama. The acting is fine, the visuals delightful. Genre fans will love the appearances by lesser BSG alum, plus teryl rothery (STARGATE SG-1), james marsters (BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER), and christopher heyerdahl (STARGATE: ATLANTIS). The show finally pulls out of its mid-season mush with something approximating a vengeance - watching the first five and last five episodes might leave you irked at yet another bungling network axe job.

Galactica '03

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
2003-2009
Creator ronald moore had a long history as a writer/producer for the TREK franchise, before taking center stage for this re-boot of the BSG franchise. Not everything was as ground-breaking as it felt (the hand-held camera shots hark back to HILL STREET BLUES). But the emotional/physical grittiness, moral ambiguity, and realistic space visuals were mostly new ground. All that, plus edward james olmos? Bloody brilliant. The classic had mystical mumbo jumbo too, so why is it so hard to stomach in the new incarnation? Because the classic was never so insistent on being taken seriously. The show's excellence declined precipitously in the final seasons...was moore trying to make the point that life itself hardly ever has a coherent narrative structure? Probably not, but ultimately the show suffered for not having a point. Chaos could have been the point, and could have been brilliantly encapsulated in the discovery that Earth turns out to be a nuclear wasteland. Had that been the show's finale, it might have been one of the greatest endings in television history. But the show just meandered on, settling for an exciting but obligatory finale. As for specifics, the teaser sequence was a time-wasting conceit that showed us things we didn't need to see. There are some lovely deleted scenes, but the moore commentaries are a bit boring (producer/writer/tech commentaries tend to be dry, and the fact that he's usually alone doesn't help). If i'm focusing on the negative, it's only a reflection of love...but ultimately, dehumanizing mysticism and writing flaws keep BSG from the greatness in its grasp. Debates about where it might have belonged in the pantheon of best shows ever are reduced to arguing over which is better, the new or the classic. Still in all, when it was great, it was like no sci fi ever.
SERIES EPISODE AVERAGE: 2.7
BY SEASON:
1) 3.0
2) 2.9
3) 2.4
4) 2.7
FOUR-STAR EPISODES (season)
-mini-series
-33 (1)
-You Can't Go Home Again (1)
-Scattered (2)
-Valley of Darkness (2)
-Pegasus [extended] (2)
-RAZOR
-Dirty Hands (3)
-The Ties that Bind (4)
-THE PLAN

Galactica, season 4

FOUR-STAR EPISODES: 2
AVERAGE EPISODE RATING: 2.7
-He That Believeth in Me ***
Baltar's cult of nubile supplicants is a nice touch. The starbuck resurrection almost works, as does lee's resignation as a pilot...but "almost" is a bit painful in this context. She returns in a factory-showroom viper, looking pristine herself...am i the only one who thinks to check for her old surgery scars? Gripping action sequences. They dropped the ball in editing, taking out an athena/kara and kara/anders scene that would have restored some coherence.
-Six of One ***
Why is a naked boomer so much...fun? Roslin's aide tory (rekha sharma - DARK ANGEL, ALIEN VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM) cries when she has sex, and it's the first time i've been genuinely glad to have her around. Laura attempts to kill the starbuck-ghost...why is no one else acting so sanely? Lee's military send-off feels overdone, and his farewell to dee underdone. Boomer's breaking of the cylon council deadlock feels contrived; it might have been more realistic to go against the 8s in the other direction. The beginnings of a cylon civil war are fantastic.
-The Ties That Bind ****
Galactica is back! Galactica is BACK!!! Or that's what i was saying to myself, as cally walks her baby into the airlock. For most of season three, the show felt lost, but suddenly...i was shouting "No! No! NO! Yes! NO!!!". Cally had just found out that the father of her child is a cylon. Does she get sentimental and uncertain? Yup...then she clubs him insensate with a WRENCH! Thank you, cal. There are more off moments than one might expect from a four-star episode, but boomer snogging cavill plus base star fleets tearing into one another, put this one over the top. Starbuck-ghost's Demetrius mission is tedious, but it's been a long time since you had me on the edge of my seat, BSG. And can someone please order a cylon test on laura and cally, because their teeth look INHUMANLY WHITE this season?
-Escape Velocity ***
In a season in which the chief finds out he's not human, he gives the most rawly human speech of anyone, on how life is about not ending up with the people we most want to be with. Olmos and mcdonnell could make an ingredient list great goddamned drama.
-The Road Less Traveled **
The Demetrius mission still holds no water, and the mystical babble back at the fleet threatens to swallow the show (again). There's a deleted helo/athena scene that ought not have been.
-Faith **
A gripping, albeit convoluted mutiny on the Demetrius! Plus nana visitor (STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE, TED 2)! A fine turn (the only BSG ever by a TREK regular) swallowed up by a tedious character in a mawkish, mumbo jumbo plot. They find the remains of the cylon renegade fleet, with the 6s, sharons, and leobens who want to form an alliance with the humans. Anders has an unprecedented great moment, when he tries to slide his hand into the cylon water data stream, his cylon identity unknown to all.
-Guess What's Coming to Dinner **
Gaeta loses a leg, apollo's elected to the Quorum, humans and cylons in a tenuous truce plot betrayal...zzzzzzzzzzz. Perhaps the most inoffensive two-star effort of the series, but are we to applaud a lack of anything patently wrong? The writers, time and again, put the characters in situations where their responses don't quite ring true. A nice 1.29-second appearance by dee. Oh yeah, athena kills a 6, but i'm giving up the ghost, because i'm not entirely sure which 6. If athena can kill one character per episode, by the finale we'll be left with a buddy comedy starring her and her trusty centurion, entitled "Naked Boomer and Sparky Ride a Tandem Bike"...which, frankly, would be fine.
-Sine Qua Non **
Adama abandons his post to wait for laura, and lee agonizes over whom to pick as the replacement President. Let's bring lawyer lampkin back. Why? Who knows. What's your poison, a plotline that's contrived, or foregone? When romo threatens to kill lee, we get both. Ah well, at least caprica 6, in the brig, is pregnant. And the father is...tigh?
-The Hub **
Aaaaaah! Elosha's back! Nooooooooooooo! She's faffing on a ferry of folderol. Adama and laura finally declare their love...zzzzzzzz. Baltar is shot...will laura save or kill him? Can she kill us instead? This one is so vapid, it's only by a miracle of high-octane action (in the form of a battle in which the cylon resurrection "hub" is destroyed) that one-star land is skirted.
-Revelations **
Gonna be a standoff! They find Earth! Four of the five final cylons are outed (tigh, tory, anders, and the chief), and the renegade cylons threaten a nuke strike unless they are handed over. Adama is incapacitated with grief (?). Lee plays hardball as president...but everybody makes nice, and they all go to Earth. The fleet-wide scenes of joy and relief are one whopper of a masturbatory montage. Why is this turd a floater, not a sinker? The revelation that Earth is a nuclear wasteland. Damn right, ronald moore. In a season of crap, you found the chewy golden center. If the entire series had built to this point, without the mumbo jumbo that doomed it, this could have been one of the most powerful series finales ever.
-Sometimes a Great Notion ***
Starbuck-ghost finds starbuck's remains in a cockpit on Earth...zzzzzz. The two-thousand year old remains of the earthlings turn out to be...cylon! Never mind that they weren't invented before the current century. It's time to cowboy up, so...adama gets weepy-wooey and suicidal. Roslin burns the scriptures ('bout fucking time!). What elevates this one is a huge helping of dee-light. She and apollo have a date. They kiss. She returns to her quarters, still glowing...as she kills herself. *&^%ing *&^%ity *&^%ers! There had better be some high-level justification coming, or someone's getting a *&^%ing letter. The fifth cylon is the long-dead ellen..zzzz.
-A Disquiet Follows My Soul (extended) ***
An appropriate title for season four. Roslin can't face her job, nor her cancer treatments. The fleet is offered advanced FTL technology from the renegade cylons, in exchange for citizenship. The chief finds out that cally's baby isn't his. An anti-cylon movement is founded by zarek and gaeta. An otherwise average episode is elevated by not even one hint of mumbo jumbo.
-The Oath ***
Early-season worthy...if the human touches had rung just a bit more true, four stars was reachable. With roslin in seclusion and adama telling the Quorum to stick their reservations about a cylon alliance up their collective ass, full-scale mutiny erupts, spearheaded by zarek and gaeta (as much as i love our heroes, i might find myself on the anti-cylon side). Ex-Pegasus chief laird is the first victim, and the body count is on. Gaeta takes over the CIC. Apollo and starbuck-ghost fight side by side. Adama and tigh are taken, then escape, then get grenaded. Nasty. The idea of a civil war fought over an uncomfortable alliance with a bitter enemy is another gem that gets lost in a failed season.
-Blood on the Scales ***
Adama is alive, and put through a kangaroo trial. Zarek massacres the Quorum. The mutiny fractures, as roslin stands firm aboard the base ship. Zarek and gaeta are killed by firing squad.
-No Exit **
A stirring recap of the entire series mythology gets this one going, and anders' brain death ends it (don't celebrate, it probably won't stick). There's mumbo jumbo, and a curious drama between cavil, boomer, and ellen. Adama reinstates the chief, who tells him that cylon organic metal is the only thing that can save Galactica's bulwarks. Adama says never. Then yes.
-Deadlock **
Sigh. Put the Galactica-is-back vuvuzelas away. Boomer brings ellen back to the fleet, who then gets into pissyfights with the other cylons. Caprica 6 miscarries sol's baby.
-Someone to Watch Over Me ***
This episode makes me almost care about starbuck-ghost. More compelling is the reuniting of boomer and the chief. She's never stopped living in the projection of their dream home, and he's never let go of the greatest love of his life. A wonderful episode falls apart when he frees her...but passes on a chance to go with her. In order to escape, she pretends to be athena. Helo interrupts her while she's dressing, offering a quickie. Not wanting to alarm him, she accepts. Athena, bound and gagged in a closet, views the fucking. It's upsetting, it's sexy, it's what BSG should be. Do NOT miss the deleted post-coital scene.
-Islanded in a Stream of Stars **
Baltar reveals that the original starbuck died. Boomer brings a kidnapped hera back to cavill. Adama gives the order to abandon the beyond-repair Galactica. It's not soporific, but praise doesn't get much feebler than that. I can't even muster much giddiness over getting to see starbuck crap.
-Daybreak (extended) ***
A weary franchise gamely brings it home. Considering the mumbo jumbo and contrivance of the last two seasons, that's no tiny feat. Pre-holocaust flashbacks meld with Galactica's final mission, a rescue of hera in the heart of the cylon empire - it's so grand and adrenalized (a defending force of classic centurions!), that it almost rises above. The chief kills tory when he discovers that she killed cally. Caprica 6 reconciles in love with baltar, when he finally makes a selfless gesture. The visuals are great, they don't give in entirely to sentimentality, and it very nearly works. At the end, they destroy their fleet, to disperse onto a planet with pre-industrial humans (a pristine "alter Earth"...just go with it). There's a great deleted kara/zack scene. They bring back cally too, but no dee?? Adama (dying laura) and lee (disappearing starbuck-ghost) are both going to be alone, but say sayonara to each other anyway? Really? Okay, i guess.
-THE PLAN ****
It took a post-series telemovie to crystallize how the mysticism of the final seasons crippled this series. This is NOT my anti-divine bias having a tantrum because someone might have a differing point of view. This movie, about the handful of cylons living within the fleet, ironically brings back what BSG had lost: its humanity. The cylons struggle with love, self-doubt, betrayal and a million other human conditions. When one of the series' main characters is a resurrected ghost, and everyone is a pawn in some divine hybrid revelation, you've dehumanized the affair. But here, humanity (in all its glory and stupidity) is restored. The poignance might make your chest tight. Not enough? It's also pulse-pounding, literally. The visuals are the most ambitious and awe-inspiring of any BSG, and the way the story interweaves with events and footage from the entire series, illuminating many of the more inscrutable moments, is meticulously stunning. And in one way, it even tops BSG's best: for all the previous grittiness, we never before saw literal human nakedness. It also benefits from a pounding, darker version of the theme music, which had long since become faintly annoying due to its resemblance to a rather unfortunate sting tune. The actions of the cylons, who never could have imagined they'd be trapped within a human fleet, are given depth and resonance. Cavil is megalomaniacally relentless...boomer's tortured conflict shines...a simon commits suicide over love for his human wife...and more. Worthy, helfer, stockwell, and lymari nadal (AMERICAN GANGSTER, AMERICA) shine. Edward james olmos directed, giving BSG the finale it richly deserved.

Galactica, season 3

FOUR-STAR EPISODES: 1
AVERAGE EPISODE RATING: 2.4
-Occupation **
On New Caprica, starbuck and anders are married, and she's been in detention isolation since the cylons arrived. Leoben tries to get her to love him, and brings a baby he says is hers. Lt. gaeta (alessandro juliani - SMALLVILLE, WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES) is baltar's aide, covertly funneling information to the resistance led by the chief, anders, and tigh. Cally and the chief are married with a baby. Ellen has sex with a cavil to get tigh out of prison, where he's lost an eye to torture. On Pegasus, apollo is married and fat. Adama plans a rescue, using sharon (now married to helo) to penetrate the cylon defenses. He frees her and reinstates her rank...which you may have a hard time buying. It's also irksome to be denied seeing the chief/cally and dee/apollo romances come to fruition.
-The Resistance **
Webisodes that nicely flesh out the story, centering on duck and jammer.
-Precipice **
Suicide bombings prompt the cylons to arrange a mass execution of political detainees, including zarek and roslin. Baltar signs the order, with a gun to his head. Ex-deckhand jammer (dominic zamprogna - THE L WORD, 2012) is now a member of the secret new caprican police, who carry out the cylons' grim orders, and are targeted as collaborators. He secretly frees cally.
-Exodus ***
A two-parter heavy on religious babble. The detainees are saved from the firing squad. Zarek and roslin have a fun moment of rapprochement. Apollo thinks the rescue mission is doomed, and urges adama to continue on to Earth. Adama orders apollo to continue on with the Pegasus and what's left of the fleet, as he mounts the rescue alone. Tigh kills ellen for collaborating. Galactica attacks four base stars, and is almost destroyed, when Pegasus jumps in, taking out two base stars before being destroyed itself. Galactica rescues the civilians. So ends lee's first command. Fantastic visuals.
-Collaborators ***
A secret tribunal (with tigh and the chief) executes accused collaborators. Baltar faces a similar trial with the cylons, but is spared. Anders quits the tribunal, and is replaced by starbuck. Gaeta is tried, and refuses to beg. Laura is re-elected. Any gaeta-heavy episode is neato-keen.
-Torn **
Great googily, a naked boomer doing tai chi. An adrift base star is found, victim of a virus - baltar volunteers to investigate for the cylons. Tigh and starbuck foment a rift between those who lived through the occupation and those who didn't. Adama disowns starbuck, and relieves tigh of duty. Sharon is given the call sign "athena".
-A Measure of Salvation **
Apollo devises a plan to download the fatal cylon virus into their entire race. The attack is sabotaged by helo. The emotional impact of humanity having a chance to eliminate the cylons, is glossed over. One of the deleted scenes gives that idea the weight it deserves. I have trouble with sharon's actions. Imagine helo joining her with the cylons...reverse the roles, then posit a storyline in which he's complicit in the extermination of humanity. It just doesn't sit right. Aren't her actions as heinous as baltar's? The original, no less?
-Hero ***
Great googily, a threesome between 6, baltar, and d'eanna! One of adama's pilots (carl lumbly - M.A.N.T.I.S., CAGNEY & LACEY) from the battlestar Valkyrie, captured by cylons three years ago, returns in a stolen raider. Flashbacks abound, and questions arise about adama's role in starting the war.
-Unfinished Business (extended) ***
Some of the tightest, brightest one-liners of the series. Grudge boxing matches are held aboard Galactica, to help the crew let off steam. Rank is dropped. Apollo fights helo, Adama fights the chief. Apollo and starbuck are both in unhappy marriages. Amid flashbacks to a fling they had on New Caprica, the tension between them ends up in the ring. Despite the bloodsport glorification and a dramatic thrust that teeters on the border of melodrama, this one actually knocks on that four-star door.
-The Passage ***
Continuing the show's unflinching habit of killing off beloved supporting characters, kat dies in a semi-intentional noble suicide, after starbuck discovers her hidden past. An adama/tigh scene has the best laughter of the series.
-The Eye of Jupiter **
Amid mystical mumbo jumbo, there's a standoff above a planet with a temple that points the way to Earth. The cylons offer baltar as a bargaining chip.
-Rapture **
The standoff continues, as ground forces kill each other in the quest for the temple's knowledge. Is baltar a cylon? Is the chief? Does anyone care?
-Taking a Break From All Your Worries **
Baltar is interrogated, and attempts suicide. Apollo and starbuck continue to moon over each other. Now she's the one willing to leave sam for him. Apollo, i'm not a violent person and i don't believe in marriage, but you make me imagine dee's family kicking the crapola out of you.
-The Woman King **
Despite a fine turn from guest bruce davison (V, SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION), this one's foregone and conventional, as a civilian doctor commits racially-profiled murders.
-A Day in the Life ***
Cally and the chief are trapped in a decompressing bay, without space suits. The rescue is edge-of-your-seat, as aiming them into a waiting raptor outside the bay is the only option.
-Dirty Hands ****
The chief is given the unenviable job of getting production going aboard the tylium refining ship. There's not one single thing flashy or sexy about this episode, which cannot be said about any other four-star entry. This is about people doing dirty, brutal jobs. It's about class struggle, and human rights. When people talked about this being not just the best sci fi on TV, but the best show, this is what they were talking about. You fret that the episode will take the cheap Hollywood ending - they don't avoid it entirely, but close enough.
-Maelstrom *
The plunge into religious twaddle is no longer a minor plot point, it's the entire masturbatory focus. Don't watch if you A) love this show, or B) have a weak stomach. It actually made me not care that starbuck dies.
-The Son Also Rises **
Baltar's trial begins, with lee on the defense team. Overall a lack of deftness in the writing, a recurring problem this season. The adama/lee conflict feels a bit contrived and overdone.
-Crossroads **
The trial continues. The usually brilliant rymer can't help this'n, even though the cliffhanger gets the heart pumping. The conclusion of baltar's trial is jamie bamber's greatest moment of the series.

Galactica, season 2

FOUR-STAR EPISODES: 4
AVERAGE EPISODE RATING: 2.9
-Scattered ****
Adama is dying, and Galactica loses the fleet (along with doc cottle). Apollo and roslin are in the brig for treason, while tigh (michael hogan - THE L WORD, RED RIDING HOOD) declares martial law. On Caprica, helo tells starbuck that he's in love with a cylon. Starbuck tries to kill her. Can gaeta save the day? Yes, but it requires facing a cylon fleet while vital information gets downloaded.
-Valley of Darkness ****
Galactica is plunged into darkness by a cylon virus and boarded by centurions, who decimate all opposition in their attempt to vent the oxygen from the ship. Can tigh hold it together? Can apollo get his team to aft damage control? Blistering. Nobody directs like michael rymer.
-Fragged ***
Tigh struggles with leadership of the fleet, and the doomed crashdown struggles as the leader of the downed survivors on Kobol.
-Resistance ***
Tigh loses his grip on the fleet. Cally kills boomer. Civilians are killed by security forces, and apollo plots a prison break for the president. A resistance movement is found on Caprica. Doc cottle gets the great lines.
-The Farm **
Starbuck is shot on Caprica, and wakes up in a resistance hospital...or is it, and why does she have a scar on her abdomen? We meet new cylon simon (rick worthy - ENTERPRISE, HEROES).
-Home ***
One third of the fleet defects with roslin, to go back to Kobol. Starbuck, helo, and boomer#2 return to the fleet. Petty officer dee (kandyse mcclure - SEVENTH SON, DA VINCI'S INQUEST) gives adama a piece of her mind. Elosha steps on a mine (yay!). The episode we've been waiting for, in the baltar/6 storyline, as she appears as a de-glamorized version of herself (looking more attractive than ever), and tells him his visions are a symptom of psychosis. Adama embraces forgiveness, and rushes to Kobol.
-Final Cut ***
A muckraking journalist gets permission to do an all-access documentary on Galactica. The journalist happens to be lucy lawless (ZENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS, PARKS AND RECREATION), and she happens to be a self-aware cylon. An episode that teeters on the brink, but when the classic BSG theme plays over d'anna's summation, you're misty-eyed and satisfied.
-Flight of the Phoenix ***
Deck chief tyrol (aaron douglas - CATWOMAN, I ROBOT) combats malaise by building a stealth fighter. We love ya, chief.
-Pegasus (extended) ****
FANfanfanfan-tastic. Another surviving battlestar is discovered, led by the legendary admiral cain (michelle forbes - STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION, TRUE BLOOD). The ultimate BSG marathon would be these three, and the classic "The Living Legend". Joy sours, as she outranks adama and begins mixing the crews, sending apollo and starbuck to Pegasus. Pegasus' interrogators get their hands on the boomer copy sharon. Helo and the chief (boomer's former lover) rush to her, as she is being raped. They accidentally kill the interrogator, and are sentenced to die on Pegasus. Adama orders an armed rescue.
-Resurrection Ship ***
Roslin negotiates a truce between the commanders. The discovery of a cylon resurrection ship, which allows dead cylons to download into new bodies, unites cain and adama around a strike plan. Cain makes starbuck the Pegasus CAG. It's discovered that cain murdered a disobedient X.O., and ordered civilian ships plundered and abandoned to die. Convinced that cain will kill adama, roslin urges him to kill her. Counter-assassinations are plotted. The strike is a success, and the assassinations are aborted. Baltar frees the Pegasus cylon prisoner, a 6 who had been brutalized into a catatonic state. She kills cain. Roslin promotes adama to admiral. Forbes, you were wonderful. This two-parter plus "Pegasus" are the high point of the series. If you want to remember BSG only at its best, this is the place to end your journey (plus "Razor" and "The Plan", of course).
-Epiphanies **
Dying of cancer, roslin orders the abortion of sharon's hybrid baby. Helo, the father, is defiantly in love. Spurred by his visions of 6, baltar discovers a way to keep the baby alive using the fetal blood to save the president.
-Black Market **
Apollo tracks down the black market traders who murdered the new Pegasus commander. He has an affair with a prostitute who has a child and reminds him of a woman he once loved but left, because she wanted to have his baby. This overly conventional episode is impactful because of lee's paying for sex and murdering a man in cold blood.
-Scar ***
The resurrection ship destroyed, the cylons resort to hit and run attacks. Colonial pilot losses mount. Starbuck and kat (luciana carro - CAPRICA, THE L WORD) vow to be the first to destroy the most deadly raider, called scar. Starbuck is off-balance at having left resistance fighter anders behind on Caprica. She plunges into drink, almost has reckless sex with apollo, and loses her top gun billing.
-Sacrifice **
Roslin's aide, billy (paul campbell - ALMOST HEROES, SPUN OUT), whom laura envisioned becoming president, has had an on-again, off-again romance with dee. He proposes to her, and she declines. He discovers her on a date with lee, when the bar they're in is taken by terrorists, whose leader (dana delaney - CHINA BEACH, TOMBSTONE) demands the execution of sharon. The rescue is bungled, with apollo shot by starbuck (thank you, producers, for showing what actually happens when you get emotionally involved with someone as damaged as starbuck). Billy, trying to impress dee, is killed. Not even apollo is worthy of dee, but we forgave you, billy, and didn't want you to die. It's the first death of a beloved character who's been around since the mini-series. There's a lot to love in this one, but it's a little flat and forced.
-The Captain's Hand ***
The Pegasus' new commander is garner (the excellent john heard - BIG, AWAKENINGS), promoted from the engine room. Two raptors are lost on a training mission, and he jumps the Pegasus to rescue them - against adama's orders. It's a trap, and he puts lee in command as he repairs the jump drive. He succeeds, but asphyxiates. Adama promotes apollo to commander. Roslin, a lifelong defender of abortion, is forced by depopulation to make it illegal. Might have been four stars, had the writing been less contrived.
-RAZOR (extended) ****
The tale of lee's first mission as Pegasus commander. What starts as a Pegasus origin story, gives way to four further flashback plots - it's amazing that it stays coherent. We see adama as a young pilot, and the darker aspects of cain's command. The impetus behind this two-hour special was no doubt to make more use of the wonderful forbes. It's told from the perspective of lt. kendra shaw (stephany jacobsen - PIZZA, TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES), former protege to cain, whom lee taps to be his exec. She and starbuck enjoy instant enmity, then must go on a mission inside a base star...as if all else weren't enough, there's an attack by classic raiders and centurions. Bloody fantastic.
-Downloaded ***
A curious detour into the cylon world, as boomer and caprica 6 are downloaded into new bodies, and meet on Caprica. Both have trouble re-assimilating into cylon society. In a brilliant twist, 6 has a vision of baltar in her head, talking to her! The first cylon-on-cylon homicide.
-Lay Down Your Burdens **
Baltar runs for president. Behind in the polls, he surges ahead when campaign manager zarek suggests he make his platform the settlement of the fleet on a newly-discovered planet hidden inside a nebula. Starbuck leads a resistance rescue operation to Caprica. The chief has nightmares, and maims cally when she tries to wake him. He gets counseling from an unconventional priest, cavil (dean stockwell - QUANTUM LEAP, THE TONY DANZA SHOW)...a cylon! Roslin fixes the election, but is talked out of it by adama. Baltar becomes president! Suddenly it's a year later, and New Caprica is occupied by the cylons. The fleet, with skeleton crews, has long since jumped away. The producers took a huge leap with this one, and a lot went right, but there's a flatness that will stay with the series for the rest of the run.

Galactica '03, season 1

FOUR-STAR EPISODES: 3
AVERAGE EPISODE RATING: 3.0
-mini-series ****
I'm a diehard devotee of the original, but this one had me at hello. Humans create cylons, cylons attempt to exterminate humanity, survivors flee into space. The hat-tips to the classic are exciting, understated, and touching. Starbuck is a hard-drinking, rule-flaunting hellion - and a woman (katee sackhoff - RIDDICK, BIONIC WOMAN). As are boomer and the new president of the colonies (mary mcdonnell -DANCES WITH WOLVES, MUMFORD), whose featured presence gives the show a more realistic political reality than the original. The cylons now have models that look human, some of whom may be sleeper agents. Baltar is a young, amoral genius who is hoodwinked by his cylon lover into betraying humanity. As adama, edward james olmos (BLADE RUNNER, STAND AND DELIVER) finds the role he's been waiting all his life to play.
-33 ****
How do you follow up a stunning mini-series? With this searing crucible of a series debut. Any doubt i was going to watch every episode, is gone. The cylons locate the fleet every 33 minutes. No one has slept in days. Vipers are forced to destroy a colonial ship that reappears, after possibly having been captured. Are the 1300 passengers still aboard?
-Water ***
Sabotage wipes out 60% of the fleet's water reserves. Was it boomer? Does she even know?
-Bastille Day ***
The need to use the inmates of the prison ship into mining duty sets off a revolt. The leader? RICHARD HATCH! The new apollo (jamie bamber - LAW & ORDER: UK, BAND OF BROTHERS) and the old (as revolutionary tom zarek) face off. Zarek demands free elections. Deckhand cally (nicki clyne - SAVED!, JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE) bites off a rapist's ear.
-Act of Contrition ***
Starbuck trains viper recruits. The scenes between her and adama cement olmos' owning of the character. And who is that crusty, ciggy-smoking ship's doc? Why...it's donnelly rhodes (SOAP, HILL STREET BLUES)! Hot damn, it's nice to see him. Doc cottle. Perfect.
-You Can't Go Home Again ****
Starbuck crashes on an uninhabited planet, and must figure out how to fly a downed raider. Grippingly, rippingly fantastic...this episode cements sackhoff's status as a fanboy dream.
-Litmus **
Whose negligence allowed cylon sabotage? A passable meditation on civil liberties.
-Six Degrees of Separation ***
Tricia helfer (TWO AND A HALF MEN, BEHIND THE CAMERA: THE UNAUTHORIZED STORY OF 'CHARLIE'S ANGELS') as number 6, the cylon ex-lover who lives in baltar's brain, demonstrates real acting skill, playing an ice-queen version of herself. Back on Caprica, marooned raptor pilot helo (tahmoh penikett - DOLLHOUSE, CONTINUUM) has been on the run with another copy of boomer (whom he thinks is the original), as part of a cylon experiment on human love. This plotline reaches a high point, as they have rainy forest sex! Whee!! What's all this fuss over identifying cylons? Testing everyone will take sixty years? Hey idiots, their spines light up when they hump! If you institute a fleet-wide copulatory test, you'd have those toasters sussed out within a month (and several demographics, particularly octogenarians, teenagers, and penniless writers, might get laid for the first time in years).
-Flesh and Bone **
Having starbuck, an unstable viper jock, assigned the task of cylon interrogation is a bit of a stretch. Roslin's tossing this cylon out the airlock is a nice piece of sanity, when weighed against the touchy-feely treatment over the next few seasons. In real life, even pacifists like myself wouldn't quibble with an "airlock first, questions later" policy.
-Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down ***
Col. tigh's wife (kate vernon - PRETTY IN PINK, MALCOLM X) appears. Is she a cylon? Would a cylon grab Apollo's ass? This episode is the most loosey goosey silly of the series. The cast show their acting chops in a puckishly different way.
-The Hand of God ***
The fleet is running out of tylium fuel. They find some on a cylon-controlled asteroid, and go on the offensive for the first time since the attack. With starbuck sidelined, apollo shines in battle like never before. The raid visuals are flat-out striking.
-Colonial Day **
The new Quorum of Twelve demands that a vice-president be elected. This one feels a bit out of left field, considering that genocidal robots are hot on their heels. But the dance scene is wonderful - and zarek's machinations leave roslin no choice but to have baltar (james callis - EUREKA, BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY) as the new veep.
-Kobol's Last Gleaming ***
They discover the home planet of the Colonies. The show's spiritual yammerings get a little tedious. Starbuck's one-afternoon stand with baltar gives you that queasy, joe jackson "is she really" feeling. At least it makes for nice tension with apollo. Can someone please make priestess elosha go away? Starbuck's religious defection with the raider is a bit of a stretch. Naked boomers and the boomer assassination attempt on adama are two of the most enduring images of the series. Plus a starbuck/6 knock-down drag-out? Stop the bus.

"Battlestar Galactica"

-created by glen a. larson
1978-1979
-SAGA OF A STAR WORLD ****
A gripper. A ripper! In this three-parter, humans create robots who rebel, retreat, then return decades later to annihilate all twelve colonies, leaving a small remnant of humanity on the run in a tiny fleet, protected by one warship and looking for the lost colony Earth. An oasis planet with all they might need is discovered...but commander adama is suspicious. Fans focus negative energy on the fact that BSG was cancelled after one season, but that's the wrong attitude. Imagine instead that we suddenly found twelve lost episodes of FIREFLY! Zack does not get jessie's girl, and check out lurch as the imperious leader, in the deleted scenes.
-Lost Planet of the Gods ****
In this two-parter, most of the viper pilots get cripplingly sick, while starbuck is captured on baltar's base star. Apollo and serina marry. Great, albeit with with the most strained credibility of any episode, as shuttle pilots become viper jocks in one easy lesson. This one, plus TREK's "Turnabout Intruder" and some other sci fi chestnut, would make one heck of a radical-feminist-fodder marathon. Starbuck's won't-hear-that-on-TV-today quote: (to female trainees) "Remember, these controls are as sensitive as a schoolgirl's...um, lips." Just what word, presumably starting with an "s", was he going for? Plus the slaying of serina! The sacrifice of solitaire! The death of dr. quinn.
-The Lost Warrior ***
Prime directive? We don't need no steenkin' prime directive! No one bats an eye as apollo lands and integrates with a pre-flight culture, who are singularly unfazed by this visitor from the sky (these cats are centered, babe). Those who dismiss GALACTICA as camp should watch this one. Apollo has an old-west showdown with a deranged cylon, a premise that's almost by definition camp. Yet the characters ring true, and the story rises above it.
-The Long Patrol ****
Starbuck gets lost in an experimental, unarmed shuttle, and lands in jail on the remote planetoid Proteus. For any who fancy poetic justice, remember spock's faithless fiance, t'pring? Well, it seems she (or the actress who played her anyway) ended up serving a life sentence for adultery. She wants to know what starbucking is.
-Gun on Ice Planet Zero ****
Britt ekland and tongo the ape man (imdb denny miller, i dare you) help our heroes in this two-parter, as criminals are recruited for a sabotage mission on an ice planet where a superlaser will soon destroy the fleet, ship by ship. Is dr. zachary smith now a cylon? Indeed, baltar. Guest star richard lynch chases the rare GALACTICA/BUCK/TREK trifecta.
-The Magnificent Warriors ***
On a mission to trade for desperately-needed crop seeds, the locals eye starbuck as their new (sacrificial) constable. Plus MATCH GAME's irrepressible brett somers! If charles had come along, they'd have nailed that fourth star. "If only starbuck knew, athena was a better *blank* than cassiopeia".
-The Young Lords ***
A wounded, crash-landed starbuck helps a family of children fight the cylons who have invaded their planet. A delightful episode, brightened by the presence of poster icon audrey landers, which loses one star for a queasy feeling brought on by the, um, song.
-The Living Legend ****
This two-parter is the highlight of the series. Shining above all is lloyd bridges as commander cain, of the lost battlestar Pegasus. We're not worthy. Also, the arrival of sheba, whose character was possibly a reaction to feminist criticisms of the second episode? From that point on, all mass viper launches feature at least one woman pilot (usually brie...sigh). Note the parachute drop out of the shuttle, if you'd like an extra giggle.
-Fire in Space ***
Gaping plot holes, but athena actually gets screen time, as a fire threatens all life on Galactica! It's a shame she and boomer, the other romantic odd wheel out, couldn't have made a connection. It would have made the show a little more socially daring...or even just a little.
-War of the Gods **
Wow. Anybody else hear that singing sound? That's glen larson massaging a four-foot holy phallus. And remember that screen time athena got? Apparently it didn't go so well, as the vocals on her one conversation here are, i swear, replaced by general crowd noise. Ouch. Look at her last shot, you'll see a face that isn't even remotely connected to what's going on. Nobody is that bad an actor, so obviously someone was content to have her look like a simpleton. In this two-parter, a mysterious stranger come to the fleet, and offers to perform three miracles if they agree to follow him.
-The Man with Nine Lives ****
Fred astaire? On GALACTICA?? It's almost surreal watching him, yet he carries himself with such grace and charm that you forget all that. Is he starbuck's long-lost father? And who's trying to kill him? Plus the first appearance of the borellian nomens, GALACTICA's resident monks of mayhem!
-Murder on the Rising Star ***
As boomer, apollo, and starbuck compete in a fleet-wide triad tournament, ferris bueller's dad schemes to kill apollo.
-Greetings from Earth ***
A small vessel with four people in cryofreeze is intercepted. Is it from Earth? Galactica then encounters the violent eastern alliance - okay okay, we get it, bad guys dress like nazis and speak with an english accent! Plus ray bolger dances! And mark harmon's sister offers apollo a lifetime supply of Tic Tacs!
-Baltar's Escape ****
The weakest four-star entry, but this one is undeniable because it has it all...baltar, borellians, enforcers, and cylons. And adama gets some lovin'.
-Experiment in Terra ***
The mysterious beings from the ship of lights conscript apollo to preserve the peace negotiations on the planet Terra. What would happen if GALACTICA, QUANTUM LEAP, and KNIGHT RIDER had a party in the q continuum, had a little too much ambrosia and a menage a trois, and GALACTICA got pregnant? This episode would happen.
-Take the Celestra ***
Happily back to BSG basics, after detours in terra and mystical-wystical felgercarb. Starbuck chases a lost love, as he and apollo get embroiled in a mutiny on the civilian ship Celestra.
-The Hand of God ****
A patrol discovers a base star, and adama orders a strike. Sappy ending notwithstanding, not many shows go out in a blaze as beautiful as the one on which they came in. They didn't leave anything on the shelf either, as sheba kisses apollo. And quit whisperin', col. sweetpea, you're givin' me a hard-on. Don't blink, or you'll miss starbuck's "cassie's not wearing underwear" double-take.

BSG Ambrosia Game
1 drink: a shot of the muffy costume, without the chimpanzee inside
1 drink: an episode with a gold centurion
1 drink: adama monitors cylons coming in, and orders shields raised AFTER they attack
2 drinks: a viper pilot hits the IM on the joystick
2 drinks: they visit and leave an inhabited human planet, despite the fact that all-powerful aliens bent on human extermination are close behind
3 drinks: a three-handed handshake
4 drinks: a red cylon raider