MST3K!

(Compiling a best-of for MST is like seeking a sailing squirrel in a stupendously subjective sea. The one quantifiable criterion to which i tried to adhere is quality of riffing...but it's so easy to get lost in how agonizingly unwatchable, or wretchedly charming, the source film is.)

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000's GREATEST EPISODES
-WEREWOLF
Arizona archaeologists uncover mysterious skeletal remains...and soon lycanthropes are everywhere! Starring joe estevez and richard lynch. Serial burst-out-loud chuckles are capped by an end-credits music riff that sparks the longest sustained MST-laughter ever.
-RED ZONE CUBA
Mike and the bots are treated to coleman francis' magnum opus, about three drifters who bounce from prison barrack to prison barrack, invading a sovereign nation along the way. A john carradine cameo starts things off with a whimper! Seamless mirth-making (especially of note in the host segments). The badness of RZC is not life-sucking, as you'd be laughing and riffing along, even without prompting. I have an oily cuba zone.
-THIS ISLAND EARTH
Tell the truth...did anyone expect this to stand with MST's best? With no joel, the crew find themselves on unfamiliar ground (onscreen and off), as they try to transplant a seat-of-your-pants cable show into big budget Hollywood. But this 50s sci-fi semi-classic (with russell johnson and bug-eyed, big-brained aliens) is too juicy a target to fail. Ruth!
-HORROR AT PARTY BEACH
On the strength of riffing alone this might only merit honorable mention, but the source material is so bizarrely bad that it's worth watching on its own. This film tries to be a million things: teen beach flick, atomic mutant frightfest, biker film, foster brooks comedy. It utterly fails at all, yet the sum is so much greater (or worse) than the parts. Look Polish?
-CAVE DWELLERS
Just beautifully wretched. The producers commit to a nonsensical, awful concept, and run run run! The mind-numbing flashback exposition is the cinematic equivalent of LSD. But the riffing remains light and loaded. How much o'keefe is in this movie? So many miles.
-MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE
I resisted the hype, but eventually had to agree - the product is bizarro, beyond-the-pale bad, and the riffing above average (even though they commit the offense of making the badness of the movie an in-joke, destabilizing the conceit that they hadn't seen it before). It's hard to appreciate just how awful this film is, if your first experience is the cuddly MST treatment. It's a true cinematic unicorn, a film so appallingly, stunningly strange that you would make your friends watch it, just to see their faces.

MITCHELL

The riffing (like MANOS) dives from great to listless, but mitchell's romancing is just not-to-be-believed, and the saucy skateboarder may be the most hysterically bad moment of cinema ever. Joe don baker is the abe vigoda of joe don bakers (no, i don't know what that means, but it's true).

AGENT FOR H.A.R.M.

Bond wannabe peter mark richman is off to the tricycle races. Ever imagine mr. rogers as a smarmy ass-kicker? Drive!
-SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL
This one makes the cut despite zero charm or weirdness in the source film, a relentlessly formulaic TV movie...yet the riffing falls into a relaxed, laugh-out-loud groove, and never strays.

-I ACCUSE MY PARENTS
The standard against which all riffing is measured? A too-stupid-to-live youth from an alcoholically dysfunctional home progresses from essay contest winner to shoe salesperson to unwitting bag man. He wins the womyn but must go on the lam, where he finds sanctuary with a bible-beating chef. Plus...show tunes! Are joel and the bots happy in their work? It's difficult.

SHORTS
-THE  HOME ECONOMICS STORY, JOHNNY AT THE FAIR, THE TRUCK FARMER, CHEATING, ARE YOU READY FOR MARRIAGE?

HONORABLE MENTION
-SANTA CLAUS, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (MST and Cinematic Titanic), MOON ZERO TWO, THE ATOMIC BRAIN, 12 TO THE MOON, ROCKET ATTACK USA, THE WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN (jaw-dropping, irresistible badness), GIRLS TOWN, IT CONQUERED THE WORLD (greatest awful movie ending ever), THE SHE-CREATURE, SPACE MUTINY, FINAL JUSTICE, STARCRASH (Cinematic Titanic's poke at the most riffable sci fi ever?)

GREATEST POST-CREDITS BUTTON: RADAR SECRET SERVICE

"The Dana Carvey Show"

-created by dana carvey and robert smigel
1996
This beautiful little burp in the history of sketch comedy, had all the potential to be one of the best ever.
So they cancelled it. Of course. Breastmilkgate? In the opening sketch of the premier episode, dana played bill clinton, breastfeeding a baby (and puppies). Viewership dropped from 16 million to less than one, in under three minutes. Which was basically the end, although six more episodes drew the breath of airtime. People talk about the talent pool of writers and performers (and rightly so) - steven colbert, steve carell, louis c.k., charlie kaufman, and bob odenkirk. Carvey, smigel, carell, and colbert are all over the place...and brilliant. The cameos are perfect - hartman, randall, vigoda, channing, degeneres, letterman, philbin...
The network gave carvey free rein, and he responded so admirably that it was either going to be one of the biggest hits ever, or...very much not. Curiously, it aired in prime time...right after "Home Improvement".
If you were culturally conscious in '96, you deserve to see every moment. The best sketch? "Skinheads in Maine". The series-stealer? Elon gold's impression of jeff goldblum.
Well done, dana. You didn't play it safe. We're not worthy.

playin' in de-banned

When i was a teen, my comedic hero was george carlin. His messages of anti-hypocrisy and anti-censorship resonated in me with clarion force, and he remains more brilliantly funny than any humyn i've ever heard. In all the subjects he took on, there was only one that made me pause - his contention that you can joke about anything. His example, rape, pushed the limits of my youthful idealism. I did my best to agree with him, even though i couldn't conceive of any context in which i would joke about rape. Over two decades later, i finally caught up. My brother, an ethical vegan, had decided he was going to eat shrimp again. Considering this, i asked whether he was going to take a toothpick and rape them first.
I recently moved to San Francisco, to offer the world my voice as a humorist, essayist, musician, and poet. I chose this city because my views on nature, politics, religion, and sex are so ahead of the curve, that i figured i needed the most famously progressive city in the world.
Within my first month, i got banned at an open mic for performing a piece that was labelled "racist". To say that i was stunned is an understatement - in my writings and personal life, i could roll out a parade of evidence attesting to my anti-racist cred. But i knew my writing could be challenging - indeed, i wouldn't give a spit for it if it weren't. Who said that if art doesn't make you uncomfortable, it's not art? And mark twain said (i paraphrase) that all the protesting, politicking, and proselytizing will never change the world one tiny smidgen as much as laughter.
The piece was one i'd never performed publicly. It's so audacious that when i'd finished writing it, i shook my head in giggling wonderment for a few minutes, not convinced it was even mine. I wasn't sure what it was, except perhaps subversively, ridiculously brilliant. The message was twofold - an indictment of how we let words control our emotions, and a grand attempt to pour humor on something horrible (racism), thereby taking away some of its power. I'd always been offended by the notion of "bad" or "titillating" words that automatically incite a certain feeling in us, regardless of context or intent. An intelligent person controls their words, not the other way around.
My piece centered on "the N word". Comedian/activist dick gregory might give me a dirty look for even uttering a phrase so apologetically wishy washy as "the N word". Whatever words you use, say them or don't, but trust your intent. In my piece, which on the surface has nothing to do with race, i never actually said the word. I walked right up to that hot emotional button, and enacted a dance of humor and freedom, circling the word relentlessly, never touching it, but never backing away. I offered up the piece as one possible anti-racist tool or tactic.
Part of the inspiration had been a dave chapelle sketch, a spoof of "Leave it to Beaver", which was even more in-your-face. If i danced around that six-foot button, dave stood next to it and kept dropping five-pound rocks.
Many in the black community have re-claimed that word, often coarsely...but sometimes eruditely or artistically, and the effort itself has noble parallels. You don't have to go far, especially in this city, to find a homosexual who decided that no one would ever again hurt him with the word "fag". "Cunt" has also been the subject of reclamation and empowerment.
I chose that setting, an anarchist bookstore, as the first and perhaps only place i'd do the piece. I didn't know whether it would accomplish what i wanted it to (or more to the point, i wondered whether only a black person could get away with it). I chose that audience as the most hip and progressive i'd find. I chose a night when there were both white and black in the crowd. I had total faith and fearlessness.
And in that performance, my instinct seemed right on. I knew i had the crowd...i could feel a vibration of uncertainty, but people were smiling and laughing and right there with me. When i finished, the reaction wasn't forced or faint. Over the crowd's applause, a black man in the front row stood up and hugged me (partly, as it turned out, because he wanted to protect me from any possible backlash).
And then when i got home, a text came banning me. I didn't get upset, or protest. If you're going to wear the shoes of a provocateur, you've got to be unafraid to take lumps. I had nothing but faith in the good intentions of the MC who banned me. I chose to believe that everything would work itself out. I didn't even approach people who'd been there to ask, "Were you offended?" When people approached me, i spoke openly. One fellow, not knowing i'd been banned, enthusiastically told me i should do the piece there again.
I realized that were i black, i probably never would have been banned. If so, there was tremendous irony - a non-racist performed an anti-racist piece, inciting another non-racist into a racist act.
Whether my piece was brilliant or crap, is beside the point.
Laughter is healing.
Art is dangerous.
Brilliance and fearlessness are two different things. When you have both, you might change the world.
Or get yourself shot. Could go either way.

Postscript: Four months later, i was unbanned...but not because of any conviction on the part of the MC, i fear. He's trying to re-establish goodwill in the artistic community, after two subsequent bannings have caused a backlash. I don't know whether i'll return, especially since it's conditional on my not making anyone uncomfortable. It's sad, as i'm quite sure that he believes in (and indeed practices himself) the disturbing imperative of art.

funniest sketches of all time

The funniest comedy sketches in the history of television. I wish i could link you to them all, but oh that proprietary bullshit...
(NLA = no link available)
"The Sanity Clause"
-A Night at the Opera
Okay, this isn't television...but this is what every comedy writer of the 20th century was chasing. It only took half a century or so to catch up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Sy6oiJbEk
"Who's on First?"
-The Abbott & Costello Show
This one first came to fame in radio and movies, and has inspired more imitations than any sketch ever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=airT-m9LcoY
"This Is Your Story"
-Your Show of Shows
TV's breakthrough into the realm of real funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQBlEnsylI0
"The Dentist"
-The Carol Burnett Show
There's been sketch comedy more brilliant, but i'm not sure there's ever been anything more funny than conway cracking up korman.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cUZhHS0PMM
"Philosophy Football"
-Monty Python's Flying Circus
Too smart? Sorry.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur5fGSBsfq8&t=100s
"The Parrot Sketch"
-Monty Python's Flying Circus
There. They can dumb it down, too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE
"NPR's Delicious Dish: Schweddy Balls"
-SNL
Ladies love my balls.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPpcfH_HHH8
"Racial Draft"
-Chapelle's Show
Scattershot satire that misses no mark. NLA, but if you enjoyed "Who's on First?"...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evt6As72m4
"The Niggar Family"
-Chapelle's Show
Preposterous (ly funny). NLA, but if you happened to like "Who's on First?"...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BmTYpVtICE
"Jackie Rodgers' Jr.'s $100,000 Jackpot Wad"
-SNL
From the funniest SNL season ever. NLA - so, what did you think of "Who's on First?"?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mdqv5xIsFLM
"I Know Black People"
-Chapelle's Show
NLA. Never saw the show, but somehow knew the black guy was cleaning up. Just like YOU know there's probably another "Who's on First?" coming...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ETjwNs3Qus
"Haunted Elevator"
-SNL
Can anyone explain why this is hysterical?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rS00xWnqwvI
"Election Night Special"
-Monty Python's Flying Circus
Sllllightly silly...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJVROcKFnBQ
"Chocolate Factory"
-I Love Lucy
No, not technically sketch comedy...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkQ58I53mjk
"Substitute Teacher"
-key & peele
Son of a BITCH!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd7FixvoKBw
"Chippendale's Audition"
-SNL
Shameless? Lowbrow? Hysterical? NLA? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Like the band Yes, who were in that other tribute to "Who's on First?"...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZK5HA5baxBo
"The Cheese Shop"
-Monty Python's Flying Circus
I think it's funnier than you like it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3KBuQHHKx0
"Buckwheat Has Been Shot"
-SNL
An amazing high wire act. Even now, some wouldn't be comfortable finding humor in john lennon's murder. And even though this one's NLA, i promise i'll never again inflict another "Who's on First?" on you.
"Behind the Music: Blue Oyster Cult"
-SNL
NLA. I gotta have more cowbell...and i gotta break my vow about "Who's on First?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0Jg7pvVzKk
"Argument Clinic"
How delightful the lengths they went to never end on a punch line...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y
Too much python, chapelle, and SNL? Make your case! Fill up that comment box!

funniest songs of all time

The biggest challenge for this list in the video age, is whether a song can stand apart from its visual element (or even whether it should). In reverse-alphabetical order, because we're hip like that:
"Who's Next?"
-tom lehrer
Wait, nuclear annihilation can be...funny?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUue4dBZwI8
"White & Nerdy"
-"weird al" yankovic
It's hard to crack this list with a parody...but if it were twice as long, half the additional entries might be al's. It was tempting to finish this list with "Amish Paradise", but there's really only one alphabetically-aligned perfect happy ending.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9qYF9DZPdw
"Start Me Up"
-the Folksmen
This parody is dryly commonplace silliness, until the transcendent tag explodes into heavenly hilarity.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toNjwDa-TTY
"Short People"
-randy newman
We don't use the word "genius" lightly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrjStSqu_w4
"Shame"
-randy newman
If this list were half as long, both of randy's entries would still be here. '77, '99...shouldn't he have had a burst of genius in '88? And '00 and '11, for that matter?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4Iaur2Tlio
"Particle Man"
-They Might Be Giants
Pure absurdity? Social commentary? We just don't know.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOLivyykLqk
"Medical Love Song"
-Monty Python
Another source that might have easily had more entries, especially for fans of traffic lights.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfHCxIiZ_4M
"John Mayer for Dummies"
-Key of Awesome
Is it possible to love this parody in a 100% affectionate way?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZ3FyFFDDiY
"I'm Fucking Ben Affleck"
-jimmy kimmel
The inspiration? Very funny. The response? (Almost) genius.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwIyLHsk2h4
"Here Comes Another One"
-Monty Python
Sit on my lumberjack face? Deserving, but too obvious.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAf0qmjiX7M
"Hannukah Song"
-adam sandler
Covered by both ozzy osborne and neil diamond? No, not really...but i had you going, didn't i?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDV_reO930A
"Fuck Her Gently"
-Tenacious D
And then, they're going to comedy you hard.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvdYly4A5W0
"Dick in a Box"
-The Lonely Island
Even without the genius visuals, the audio alone would make the list.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeWvs27JOCI
"Chocolate Salty Balls"
-isaac hayes
Well, they can't all be oscar wilde.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNYXgV7L-c
"Chocolate"
-The Smothers Brothers
Chocolate!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSmqYSVVpTM
"Business Time"
-Flight of the Conchords
A rare example of the live version being funnier than the funny video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU
"Big Bottom"
-Spinal Tap
Please give close attention to derek's instrument. He'd like that.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qDgCmzh5ao
So...have i missed any? Fill up that comment box!

pinheadio leftovers

One of my favorite lines from Pinheadio, is one that nobody got to read. Oh, i tried leaving it in, along with a humorous parenthetical about it being brilliant but also brilliantly racist...but i finally went with my dictum that less is more, and cut it.
The question is, was it brilliantly (or even just middlingly) racist? Before answering my question, here's the line:
"...but pinocchio was swept ashore as geppetto was swallowed by the colossal catfish, who was immediately swallowed by the dastardly dogfish, who was immediately swallowed by the lumbering lucasfish, who was immediately swallowed by the draconian disneyfish, who was immediately swallowed by the giant jewfish, who was immediately swallowed by the awful antitrustfish."

It was the jewfish bit that got cut. A surface reading of the line admittedly sets off racist alarms. So why do i find it funny? Because walt disney was allegedly an anti-semite! Add to that the fact that Disney's most famous CEO since walt died, was jewish (along with at least two others CEOs), and it becomes very funny. Add to that the fact that, unlike the lucasfish or disneyfish, there actually IS such a thing as a jewfish, and it becomes hysterical! Call my sense of humor perverse, but the fact that there's an actual animal called a jewfish, is entertaining to me. I might also giggle if you told me there was a wopfish. I'm basing all that on the assumption that the original intent of the naming was in no way a slur.

Intelligent people have long known that one way to separate the stupid from the smart, is in how they react to "bad" words. Intelligent people know there is no such thing as a bad word...only bad intentions. Any word can be good or bad depending on the context, but if you automatically make a word dirty or demeaning, you give that word automatic power over your emotions. Instead of controlling your words, you're letting them control you.

The belief in "bad words" exists in inverse proportion to intelligence.

And the original sequence would have been even funnier if i'd ended it on "jewfish"...but doing that would have actually felt a touch anti-semitic! Having the line end on "antitrustfish" send the proper message...that michael eisner has no monopoly on slimy business ethics, and that he and all his predatory ilk are an endangered species.

Just as is, coincidentally, the jewfish itself.

So by any correct reading of authorly intent, the line wasn't racist...yet sadly, a lot of people might have thought it was. And it's not even being misunderstood by well-intended folk that bothers me, as much as the thought of actual racists thinking i was one of them.
There are, of course, any number of emotionally-charged, hot-button words which draw immediate censure regardless of intention or context. "Jew" is mild, compared to some. Some words are so hot, you can't even say a word that sounds similar. I'm appalled that some public figure recently was censured (perhaps even fired?), simply for using "niggardly" in its proper context. Call it my perverse sense of humor again, but niggardly has always been one of my absolute favorite words. My brother and i even invented "the niggardly game". It's quite simple, and can stretch out over years. At some sort of annual social gathering, a contestant must conspicuously (but properly) inject "niggardly" into the conversation. The following year, it's the next contestant's turn. This goes on until the group at large finally reacts in some decisive way.

Hysterical, i call it.

If you find that in bad taste, you're perhaps in some kind of denial over how screwed up this world is. But this world needs in-your-face humor, nowhere moreso than where emotions run highest.

Often when i'm out in the world doing some sort of solitary activity, i'll sing the theme song to "The Niggar Family" from CHAPELLE'S SHOW. One of the most brilliant satires ever - i'll be laughing at it for the rest of my life.

I know, of course, that should someone overhear me singing that song and not know the source, they might think me a crass racist. Or if a black person overheard me, even were they to recognize the song, they might find my behavior inappropriate or insulting. That's a risk i'm happy to take. Humor is the sanest reaction to an insane world...and if everyone embraced the sensibility behind the song, we would all be well on our way to healing.

And poor authors would never need pull their funniest lines again.

sid caesar

1922-2014
By coincidence, i'd just begun reading the autobiography "Caesar's Hours" when he died. I'd never seen any of his classic TV shows, because i always suspected i mightn't love them. For a youth whose sense of funny was shaped by M*A*S*H, marx, burnett, brooks, ZAZ, and above all Python, i thought caesar's shows might hit me like THE HONEYMOONERS - quality, but too dated and socially regressive to be really enjoyable. His autobiography is a fine read. Once in a while he comes off as a bit of a tightass...but let's not crucify him for that, as the average man of his generation was an ENORMOUS tightass. And yet...there were direct links from sid to two of those childhood favorites (M*A*S*H, brooks), and others (burnett, ZAZ) who were simply following where he had pointed. And his writers? Neil simon, larry gelbart, woody allen, mel brooks, carl reiner?? So i jumped into something long overdue - THE SID CAESAR COLLECTION, a 3-dvd set showing the best of his work on YOUR SHOW OF SHOWS and CAESAR'S HOUR. The between-sketch commentary is worth the price of admission alone. Otherwise, my instincts had been pretty much right, but the exceptions are as funny as funny gets. Grab disc 1 and watch "The 3 Haircuts (You Are So Rare & Flippin' Over You)" and "This Is Your Story" - the first almost a spoof of the Beatles a decade before they arrived, and the second a spoof of THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Both will have you laughing out loud for days, if not weeks (Uncle Goopy!). Thank you, sid. And happily, we'll now ever have a more resonant response each time we hear Commissioner gordon exclaim "Great caesar's ghost!"

"Last Words"

-by George Carlin
(with Tony Hendra)
2009
You know those disclaimers reviewers write when they have some personal connection to their subject matter? I feel i ought write one. But my connection is simply the overwhelming sense of identification that i (and many millions more) have felt with George's material. Whatever nerve he touched, whatever vein he sourced, he's the only comedian who ever made me feel like i was listening to some funnier version of my own thoughts.
His career was towering, enduring, and unprecedented. His 60s work was impersonal and apolitical (even though he knew and adored Lenny Bruce, it took a long time for him to evolve in a similar direction). In the 70s, he realized he could be funnier if he mined the experiences of his own life, but it wasn't until the following decade that he let rip his more naked self. It was at this point that he leapt past the boundaries of stand-up to join a rarefied pantheon, along with Paine, Twain, Thoreau, King, and Mr. Bruce.
The book was culled from decades worth of association with Hendra (THIS IS SPINAL TAP), collecting material for what would be the crowning of George's career, a one-person (sorry, George) Broadway show about his life. He died a year or two shy of realizing that dream, but all the material is here. In that respect, it's much more personal than anything else he's written.
Reading the book, i'm struck with how alike George and i were, at the end. We took different paths to get here - he had a rougher youth, with larceny, military courts-martial, and decades of drug abuse. But at the end, when he sums up his understandings of life, it's an almost eerie mirror for me. He even invokes an alternate version of himself who is almost entirely me - the loner who works in anonymity, running around on no one's hamster wheel, writing his thoughts on his own time and sending them in accordingly.
Another difference between us is that he spent almost all his adult life married...which may be the reason why monogamy is the one glaring social ill he never railed against, even though he may have very much wanted to. Very few of us don't have to kiss somebody's ass, if only to keep domestic peace. If i presume too much, George, it's not without cause.
About drugs however, if i may make an observation hopefully worthy of him, we all use drugs in one form or another, and many of the distinctions between them are so much bullshit. At the most basic level, drugs alter our mind and take us out of our reality. In those terms, comedy is a much more literal drug than you've probably ever considered. In that respect, George Carlin was one of the greatest drugs that several generations of humanity ever ingested.

coMedy

If you could only have one letter of the alphabet to represent all that's merry...
If you were marooned and could have only comedy that starts with one particular letter for the rest of your life...
If you had to come up with a title for a movie your director friend is hoping will be the comedy classic of the millenium...
If you had a child and were dying and knew that their comedic education hinged on one easily memorable memo...
If you were faced with those or other equally plausible scenarios involving comedy and one particular member of the alphabet...
Seek out the letter "M".
I'm no numerologist (or, mm, whatever the "letters" equivalent of numerology is), but if you only had the letter M for comedy, you'd be alright. I'm not saying M has magic powers of mirth, i'm not saying that comedy starts and ends between L and N, but...let's look at the evidence.
If you had only M comedy in your life, you'd have:
-Monty Python
-The Marx Brothers
-Mel Brooks
-MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000
-M*A*S*H
I defy you to come up with any letter that can roll out a five-tiered lineup that comes within a million miles. The first three entries alone probably make up close to half of the 25 funniest movies of all time. On what other letter would the Muppets, Mark Twain, and Moliere not even make the top five?? To say nothing of the Minor Masters - Eddie Murphy, Uncle Miltie, Marty Feldman, Bill Maher, Mad Magazine, MORK AND MINDY, Mary Tyler Moore, MXC, Mort Sahl, THE MUNSTERS, Matt Groening, MY FAVORITE MARTIAN, Martin and Lewis, MR. ED, Mike Nichols and Elaine May, MY THREE SONS, Moe Howard, MR. MOM, Matt Stone, MR. SHOW, Mark Russell, MY COUSIN VINNY, Mike Myers, THE MONKEES, Seth Macfarlane, and Minnie Pearl.
Which is not to say that M is the funniest letter.
That's obviously K.

What the...?

Practical Joke - A playful trick employing some physical practice, in which the victim is placed in an embarrassing or disadvantageous position.

There are three things in this life which, if done with consummate skill, are far greater than any other experience you will ever know. Artistic achievement, sexual communion, and practical jokes. 99% of us lack the inspiration and technical proficiency required for creative genius. 99% of us also lack the emotional tools to love another human properly. Ergo, for the vast mass of humanity, the greatest moment of our lives will be the successful execution of a sublime practical joke.
The perfect practical joke...a seamless synchronization of victim, perpetrator(s), and inspiration.
Often the difference between greatness and genius is attention to detail. Jimmy Kimmel once assigned his parental viewers the task of pretending to have eaten all their children's Halloween candy while they slept, and film the results. You think the Weeping Wall is wet? The best entry was from a perverse parent who had the craftiness to leave nothing but a plastic jack-o-lantern full of empty wrappers.
The greatest filmed practical joke might be in reruns on AFV. Two preteen brothers had been allowed to stay up to watch a chainsaw slasher movie. They were so, um, moved by the experience that they slept in the same bed that night, with all the lights on. In the morning, their father crept into the room. He wore a hockey mask, and had a chainsaw. Mom stood in the hallway, filming. Dad stood a few feet away from his sleeping progeny, and let 'er rip. One of the children literally levitated backwards over the headboard, becoming wedged between window and bed, bringing down the venetian blinds in the process. The other, after possibly voiding his fluids, regained the power of speech and shouted, "What is WRONG with you???"
What indeed.
If that's wrong, i don't want to be right.
My own contributions to the world's greatest practical jokes are modest, although the day is still young. Taking every piece of furniture and accessory out of my brother Dave's bedroom and recreating the room on the back lawn, that was a nice day. There are two, though, that might merit mention in the halls of greatness. The victim of the first was that very same brother.
The scatologically squeamish may want to excuse themselves now.
We all had household chores to attend to, in our youth. My brother was in charge of the litter box. Every day after school, he did his, uh, duty. I always got home before he did. One day, inspiration struck. I ran to the litter box, dropped my trousers, and, uh, did my duty. I carefully covered the fecal foolery with the odor-absorbing sand, burying it deep.
I found a hiding place, and waited.
He got home, and went straight to his chore. Smothering my chortles, i soon heard him say, "What the...?" It's those blessed seconds between discovery and understanding, that are the holy land for the dedicated practical joker.
He was not amused. Not a bit. For years to come, he scowled any time i mentioned that day. I don't know what the record is for time lapsed before a victim acknowledges greatness, but it was fifteen years before he finally said, "Yeah...that was pretty goddamned funny".
But the greatest practical joke i ever perpetrated was a lightning strike among lightning strikes, the result of a confluence of events that confound the imagination. The thing that made it so one-in-a-million perfect?
I didn't actually do it.
For this kind of event to happen, there has to be a combination of primed territory and an act of randomness that beggars belief. The primed territory was my brother John. In this case, primed meant that he was fully aware of my prankful proclivities, and as a regular target, his guard was always somewhat up.
We were visiting the folks. Dad is a hunter, and we had earlier noticed that in the refrigerator, along with hunks of deer corpse, there was a huge container of deer blood. We didn't know what it was for, and as vegetarians, we probably didn't ask.
The elements gather...
One afternoon, we started preparing a meal. John is a griller, so he was on the driveway under the back deck, getting the grill going. I was relaxing on said deck. Hanging off the side of the deck is a hummingbird feeder. The food in said feeder is red sugar water.
Any guesses yet?
As i'm sitting there, i notice some movement with my peripheral vision. A couple seconds later, i hear a shout of revulsion.
Patched it together? Deer blood in the fridge, and a prankster about?
At precisely the moment John is doodling away, the feeder spontaneously comes apart, loosing all its wet, red contents directly onto the waiting brother below. He says time went into slow motion as the liquid poured over him, and that he experienced a few seconds of relative calm as a clear, deliberate thought passed through his mind - "Well. My brother is pouring deer blood on me." Then he shouts loudly enough to bring the whole house running. His rush of disgust and outrage at my "act"...nothing i could have planned would have come close. Years later, sitting at this computer, i have to wait for my laughter to stop before my fingers can continue typing.
So here's to your best practical joke ever...or just the one that will emerge from your warped mind tomorrow. And if you're not a practical joker...
All the better. You're just the kind of person we're looking for.

sambo & bimbo!

Dear Bob,
I've been puzzling over my reaction to some jokes you've shared, trying to figure out whether the fact that they bother me means that i'm too uptight. George Carlin said that one can joke about anything, so do my negative reactions simply mean that my head is too far up my ass? The first joke assessed the last Democratic Presidential primary as "Sambo vs. bimbo". The second one explained that Indian women have a dot on their forehead so that Indian men can rub the dot off to find out whether they've won a 7-11.
Innocent silliness?
I wish George were here to help. He used the example of rape. He said he thought it was hilarious, and offered up the image of Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd. It wasn't one of his funnier jokes, but i understood his point.
Is "bimbo" a good word? Sure. I don't believe there's any such thing as a bad word, only bad intentions. "Bimbo" is descriptive, even playful. Would i want to live in a world where i couldn't say, "At 31, to the suprise of no one, Giuseppe married a bimbo"? I would not...though i can understand how hurtful it could be. It's possible i've never even used "bimbo" to reference a specific person.
And "Sambo"?
It makes me almost re-think my "no bad words" stance. I was even surprised to hear it being used north of the Mason-Dixon (incidentally, the history of Sambo's Restaurant is worth perusing, not least of all because the owner wants to bring the chain back).
Bob, you maintain that you're not a racist. On some levels, you're probably right. You're certainly less racist than the generation that preceded you, and maybe even in the world of your intent those jokes weren't racist/sexist.
The image associated with "Sambo" is that of a head-scratching, clueless, happy-go-lucky fellow. Hm. Well, there are worse fates than that. In fact, if we could remove the racial aspect, i'd even be open to reclaiming the word. I'm sure we've all known a clueless, happy-go-lucky sort. Cosmo Kramer could be the poster child for the new sambo. Paris Hilton? A big ol' sambo. Or the world's first bambo!
But at the moment, "Sambo" cannot be anything other than a racist slur. Does Obama fit the image? One could argue that he's clueless, but head-scratching? I've never seen him look like he didn't understand what was going on. Happy-go-lucky? Though i've seen him smile, he comes off as a serious-minded fella who understands the gravity of his place in the world. So no, he's no Sambo.
And Hillary? Can she reasonably be called "physically attractive but unintelligent"? I suspect that if you'd found her attractive, Bob, we'd have known, as your "admiration" for Governor Palin was never in doubt. As for intelligence, the idea that Hillary isn't at least average seems kinda ridiculous.
So what's the substance of the joke? Can it be anything other than racism, and vile sexism? The 7-11 joke struck me as one of the most destructive, xenophobic things i'd ever heard. You took one billion people who are every bit as smart and loving and decent as anybody on the planet, and reduced them to a servile punchline. That wasn't your intent? Imagine the Indian child who overhears their non-Indian schoolmates making that joke. Do you think for a second that their self-worth wouldn't forever bear a scar that no amount of healing could erase?
There's a problem with everything i'm saying, though.
I'm wrong.
Imagine, if you will, a late night at NOW headquarters, a boozy office party perhaps, with impromptu shouts of "Goooooo bimbo!" and "Gooooooo, Sambo!" suddenly bouncing back and forth. If you can't imagine it, i submit you've never been to NOW headquarters.
There is, in humor, an inescapable element of perversity. The more perverse one's world, the greater one's need for perverse humor. And kids, we live in a world where staggering amounts of non-humorous perversity assail us every single day.
So what might be offensive coming out of one mouth, can be innocent coming out of another.
Go bimbo.
I myself found both jokes repugnant. But earlier today, i was telling an Indian-American friend about this article. I shared the 7-11 joke. I gave it no kind of funny delivery. He nonetheless smiled immediately, and in a couple seconds we were both giggling away.
Make no mistake...the majority of those who laugh at "bimbo/Sambo" are white men with a deep problem. Whom does that joke hurt other than Bam and Hil, Bob? Only any woman who might dream of being President. Do you know what you're telling her? You're telling her that even if she graduates from college with honors, gets a Yale law degree, becomes one of the 100 most influential lawyers in America while embodying marital fidelity, you'll be out there in the tall grass, ready to call her a bimbo.
And Sambo, Bob? Please tell me you don't need me to figure out whom that might damage.
Of course, that doesn't mean that our current Secretary of State doesn't call POTUS "Sambo", in private meetings. And that Barack doesn't give her a good "bimbo" right back.
It even makes me feel better about the world, knowing that they might.

Lenny & Vaughn

I'm going to tell you about the funniest moment in the history of standup comedy.
Of course, for my opinion to be authoritative, i'd have to have watched every moment of standup ever. Not only have i not done that, i wasn't even there for this alleged "funniest moment". And not only wasn't i there, but i've never watched video of it, nor listened to audio.
Yet i'll still tell you it's the funniest moment of standup ever...by far.
The moment came at a Lenny Bruce concert, one week after JFK's assassination. The country was in shock, like it had never been before and would never be again. The thought of anything being funny was almost inconceivable.
But the concert had been scheduled, and the concert went on.
The curious thing is that Bruce wasn't bust-a-gut funny. People didn't come to his shows to laugh themselves silly. He did social commentary and satire, thinking person's humor. But none of his siblings in standup ever came close to the moment he created at the Village Theater in Soho, in 1963.
He came on, to polite applause. He removed the mic from the stand. The crowd probably expected some kind of disjointed, slow-starting diatribe, if they expected anything. The greatest professional challenge ever faced in this country belonged to the scientist who was asked to split the atom. The second-greatest professional challenge belonged to anyone who was asked to do comedy the week Kennedy died.
Bruce stood silently, as the applause faded. He didn't move. In stage time, one second of silence is noticeable. Several seconds is profound. Bruce stayed quiet for several seconds, then several more.
I'll suspend you in that moment, to tell you about Vaughn Meader. There were few stars burning as brightly in 1963 as comedian Vaughn Meader. His rise had been meteoric. One year earlier, this unknown landed the starring role as a JFK impersonater in the comedy album "The First Family". It set the Guiness record for the fastest-selling album of all time, at over a million a week for the first six weeks. Vaughn's life became a celebrity whirlwind, with non-stop TV appearances. He went from $7.50 a night in coffeehouses to $22,500 a week headlining in Vegas. A second "First Family" album was released. Sinatra asked him to join the Rat Pack. He refused. Vaughn's every performance centered on his JFK impersonation.
Stop me if you can see where this is heading.
Lenny stood on that stage, as an eternity passed. The images of Kennedy's funeral were still fresh in everybody's mind. He finally exhaled, and quietly said, "Psshew...poor Vaughn Meader". Nobody clocked how long it took for the first person to laugh, how long they all laughed once they started, or how many faces were tear-streaked by the time Bruce spoke his fourth word a minute or two later.
There are few things in this world more cathartically pure than laughter. It's why we need comedians and actors...when we laugh at them, we laugh at ourselves. Every mother-in-law jibe, every premature ejaculation jest, none of them would ever work unless they made us see ourselves. Comedians give us permission to laugh, even at things horrible.
In a world that had been turned upside down, Lenny stepped up and said that it's okay to laugh.
What a great story.
One that would be doubly great if it actually happened.
Oh, to be sure, something like it happened. But what exactly that was...well, it's not lost to history yet, because there are people alive who were there. But i don't know any of them, and opinions on what exactly happened couldn't be more diverse. I intended this article as a celebration of a great moment, but it became also a meditation on faulty memory, and the internet. In researching this article online, i was staggered to discover how many versions of the story exist. The date of the performance is variously given as the night of the assassination, three days later, one week later, and ten days later. The stories don't even agree on the most essential element, WHAT THE HELL HE SAID. Here are all the versions i found:
"Poor Vaughn Meader"
"Psshew...Vaughn Meader"
"Vaughn Meader is screwed"
"Two graves have been dug in Arlington National cemetary...one for John Kennedy and one for Vaughn Meader"
"Don't Shoot!"
Hunh?
To my ear, only one of these has the perfect poetry to be the greatest moment of standup ever.
Whether Vaughn's rise was the quickest in American history, is open to debate. What is less debateable, is that no white-hot celebrity ever disappeared as quickly and completely.
And Lenny? He died three short years later, and was one of the greatest Americans to ever live. A Mt. Rushmore of freedom might feature Lincoln, Stanton, King, and Bruce (and maybe, er um, Larry Flynt). In shaping this country, in determining what freedom of speech means, in forcing us to live up to our ideals, Lenny devoted and sacrificed his very life.
Don't take my word for it.

anh...he's fulla shit!

Comedian George Carlin did not pass away this past week.
The man fucking died.
Among the people i never knew, George ranks in the top 10 of those who resonated most deeply in me. He didn't shape my thinking, but he affirmed what i knew, that most people are kinda flat-out fucking nuts. He made me feel less alone, by assuring me that i wasn't the one who was fucking nuts.
I think George lived a life of clown's revenge. I don't know whether that's any kind of actual psychological term, but it should be. He got the attention and acceptance we all crave, by being a foole. But by definition, being a foole is humiliating. Once famous, he gradually shifted his focus from just making us laugh, to lashing out and scathingly skewering the pompous and the pampered, the hypocrites and the holy rollers, the institutions and imbeciles who wield power in this world...in a medieval court, of course, he would have been put to death by the lord who first patronized him.
I heard my first Carlin album when i was a teenager. It was love at first listen. He and Cosby remain unique in how i had to accqire album after album of their stuff. I was always silly and a bit of a prankster myself. Generally a quiet child, i had one year of glory in my elementary years, when during 3rd grade i was THE class clown. Something that no one, but no one, would have seen coming. During my school years, i was never able to capture magic like that before, or after. It was the only grade in which i ever got negative behavior comments: Mrs. Schaffelberger said i had a "smart mouth". But that was the one year i was respected and admired by virtually all my classmates. Admiration is heady stuff, so sorry, Mrs. S., but i'd do it again. I was never drawn to doing comedy when i grew up, but once in a while i'll get a standup idea, and jot it down. My brothers and i shared the Carlin passion, and we all had one of our most memorable moments together when i was driving us through our neighborhood, and in homage to George i slowed down and leaned out the window to shout to an elderly man, "Pardon me, I have nothing to say!" As we passed, the man gave a confused smile and gamely gestured "well, whattaya gonna do?"
In those early years i played George's tapes over and over, and would have supported a "Carlin for President" campaign. I've kept loose tabs on him since then, always glad to get a new dose. I saw him in concert twice, at Rider College in the 80s, and a few years ago in Newark. At Rider, he was brilliant. In Newark, he was lackluster, like he was at the tail end of an exhausting tour. I read his books, saw most of the HBO specials, and watched every episode of his short-lived sitcom. I was sad when it tanked. It wasn't brilliant, but it was better than a lot of the shit out there. For whatever reason, i particularly remember him talking about his electric nose hair trimmer in one episode. I'll have to find out whether the show was ever released on dvd. I loved George.
I loved him, and then we crossed the international dateline.
Meatcake!
Sheriff...I'm gonna fuck ya.
If selling is legal, and fucking is legal, why isn't selling fucking legal?
Ronald Reagan's criminal gang.
Tax those motherfuckers!
Well, he seems fairly intelligent......