1) Thou shalt exalt no human animal above another.
2) Thou shalt exalt no human animal above other animal.
3) Thou shalt exalt no invisible creature above visible creature.
4) Thou shalt exalt no lover above friend.
5) Thou shalt not deny your food, body, or anything else, to anyone who might need them...excepting be they really, really annoying.
5a) Thou shalt not steal nor murder nor bully (not a commandment, merely a consequence).
Friday, September 9, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
josie
WOMEN 62
One week before i was to move to New York, Josie began waitressing at a restaurant i was storytelling in. We made much eye contact our first night, and she agreed to play George Bush’s Arabian wife in a piece of street theater i was planning for my last Sunday morning Orpheus gig. It was a blast, and she and i proceeded to cram as much together-time into my last week as we could. She was trying to leave the party life behind, cutting down on drinking and stopping smoking. The first time we hugged, my eyes popped at how we molded together. We spent three or four nights kissing and cuddling. She revealed a damaged past, complete with a street rape at the age of fourteen. She enjoyed my kissing and nibbling her neck and shoulders, which surprised her...she couldn’t even enjoy oral sex, which blew my mind. She was Michigan-raised, of Mexican/Native American descent. She had a love/hate relationship with her family, the hate centering on domineering males. She missed her sisters and nieces, and cried talking of them. She had moved to Florida years before, with a boyfriend. She spoke of living the rest of her life in Bulgaria, or Michigan. I was happy to take things slowly. One night, she came to my place after an evening of drinking. The combination of fatigue and alcohol put her asleep immediately, snoring on her back in the center of the bed. I told myself that this was her one grace night, and that the next time i would roll her over. I let her be, put earplugs in, and slept upside-down so as to fit on the mattress. She was embarrassed the next day, but i was thrilled she'd been able to sleep so comfortably even while her subconscious knew i was there (okay okay, maybe she had to anesthetize herself to get to that place...but i'm ever the optimist). Another night i was sleeping nude when she arrived and made her way to bed in the darkness. In settling in, her hand brushed my penis. She was embarrassed, but laughed. I was eager to continue the relationship. I was already planning a return trip to FL, and she was going to visit me. The following month i sent two letters and received one, but contact was limited as she had no phone. When i visited FL, it took her a couple days to find the note i left on her porch. She'd started smoking again, and had started seeing someone after i'd left. She said it was already over with them, but from the way she said it i knew it wouldn’t take an act of god to get them back together. I was a little thrown, and we only spent one night together, during which i held but didn’t kiss her. She spoke of wanting to live in New York the coming summer, but her energy was far from centered. We were supposed to spend my last day together. I didn’t hear from her.
One week before i was to move to New York, Josie began waitressing at a restaurant i was storytelling in. We made much eye contact our first night, and she agreed to play George Bush’s Arabian wife in a piece of street theater i was planning for my last Sunday morning Orpheus gig. It was a blast, and she and i proceeded to cram as much together-time into my last week as we could. She was trying to leave the party life behind, cutting down on drinking and stopping smoking. The first time we hugged, my eyes popped at how we molded together. We spent three or four nights kissing and cuddling. She revealed a damaged past, complete with a street rape at the age of fourteen. She enjoyed my kissing and nibbling her neck and shoulders, which surprised her...she couldn’t even enjoy oral sex, which blew my mind. She was Michigan-raised, of Mexican/Native American descent. She had a love/hate relationship with her family, the hate centering on domineering males. She missed her sisters and nieces, and cried talking of them. She had moved to Florida years before, with a boyfriend. She spoke of living the rest of her life in Bulgaria, or Michigan. I was happy to take things slowly. One night, she came to my place after an evening of drinking. The combination of fatigue and alcohol put her asleep immediately, snoring on her back in the center of the bed. I told myself that this was her one grace night, and that the next time i would roll her over. I let her be, put earplugs in, and slept upside-down so as to fit on the mattress. She was embarrassed the next day, but i was thrilled she'd been able to sleep so comfortably even while her subconscious knew i was there (okay okay, maybe she had to anesthetize herself to get to that place...but i'm ever the optimist). Another night i was sleeping nude when she arrived and made her way to bed in the darkness. In settling in, her hand brushed my penis. She was embarrassed, but laughed. I was eager to continue the relationship. I was already planning a return trip to FL, and she was going to visit me. The following month i sent two letters and received one, but contact was limited as she had no phone. When i visited FL, it took her a couple days to find the note i left on her porch. She'd started smoking again, and had started seeing someone after i'd left. She said it was already over with them, but from the way she said it i knew it wouldn’t take an act of god to get them back together. I was a little thrown, and we only spent one night together, during which i held but didn’t kiss her. She spoke of wanting to live in New York the coming summer, but her energy was far from centered. We were supposed to spend my last day together. I didn’t hear from her.
...and videotape?
THEATER 54
-fall 2000
(Note: to any copyright lawyers reading this, the following account is fictional, designed solely to romanticize my pathetic existence)
Previously at the Orpheus, i had been paying royalties (mostly), but now i intended to adapt a movie. As i didn't see any way to squeeze six or seven figures worth of royalties out of a $1000 budget, it was time to go guerilla. A staged version of the script didn't exist, so i did some streamlining and re-shaping. From the first time i'd seen the movie, the drifter with videotapes of women talking about their sex lives had been one of my dream roles. He hasn't been with a woman in years, and uses the tapes to get off. I cast Jim Hawley as my old college buddy, the philandering husband. I cast newcomer Melissa Williams as the philanderer's unfulfilled wife who falls for me. She was an incredible find, fun and funny, a veteran of the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Newcomer Jennifer Weeg played her sister, who is having an affair with the philanderer. A local nurse, it was her acting debut. I was confident that all the talent around her wouldn't let her look bad. Adam Cornelius, a rolling stone newly-arrived in Lee County, played the wife's therapist. His talent was delightful, as was his personality (thoughtful, humblingly open, and funny). He assisted with the directing. For our final character, the bar dude, i was able to coax Shane out of retirement. He had never felt proud of his work in ODD COUPLE, and had resisted acting again. The part of the dude was just right. A few short scenes in which he hits on girls (sitting at the actual Orpheus bar, which audiences always loved), during which the rest of us ran the lights and sound. He was hysterical, coming up with impressions of a jawa and Michael Caine in ZULU ("Don't you throw those bloody spears at me!"). We went through several casting choices for the sister, but Jennifer ended up having just the right energy. Cast chemistry is an unpredictable thing, and i am amazed at how often we gelled in just the right way, occasionally in the face of adversity. I got Amanda into the show by having her record the voice of a woman being interviewed. She confided to me much later that she skipped the auditions because she thought the show was going to be bad, and that when she saw it, she realized how wrong she'd been. For me, it was a dream. Jim was wonderful as the cocky narcissist. He came up with a few lines of his own, all funny stuff. He developed a huge crush on Melissa, which i did my best to deflect while the show was running. Jennifer provided the Orpheus's second unscheduled live nudity, the night Jim grabbed her sheet, not realizing she was topless (sadly, i didn't see it myself). Working with Melissa was pretty sublime. She was so giving and sensitive. To be able to live my character was intensely amazing…as far as i know, that famous actor and i are the only ones to have ever played the part. Our edgy-loving Tony loved the production. By now, Mallous family tensions had been alleviated somewhat. Jimmy, the oldest brother, either loved you or hated you, often within the same week. He never left the kitchen, and called us "fucking gypsies" (eventually it became a term of endearment). I wished that the Cafe were able to feed my actors occasionally, but it was their first year, so i understood. We didn't sell out, but we had decent crowds who were happy. Hollywood lawyers never showed up to shut us down, which i had been dreading. Later that year, i did get a call. I told them what they needed to hear, and that was that. I'm sure it helped that we were the tiniest of operations. For the end-show song, i chose "Fa Fa", by little-known Guster. By our third week, it was such happiness to see the actors singing the song in post-show celebration.
-fall 2000
(Note: to any copyright lawyers reading this, the following account is fictional, designed solely to romanticize my pathetic existence)
Previously at the Orpheus, i had been paying royalties (mostly), but now i intended to adapt a movie. As i didn't see any way to squeeze six or seven figures worth of royalties out of a $1000 budget, it was time to go guerilla. A staged version of the script didn't exist, so i did some streamlining and re-shaping. From the first time i'd seen the movie, the drifter with videotapes of women talking about their sex lives had been one of my dream roles. He hasn't been with a woman in years, and uses the tapes to get off. I cast Jim Hawley as my old college buddy, the philandering husband. I cast newcomer Melissa Williams as the philanderer's unfulfilled wife who falls for me. She was an incredible find, fun and funny, a veteran of the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Newcomer Jennifer Weeg played her sister, who is having an affair with the philanderer. A local nurse, it was her acting debut. I was confident that all the talent around her wouldn't let her look bad. Adam Cornelius, a rolling stone newly-arrived in Lee County, played the wife's therapist. His talent was delightful, as was his personality (thoughtful, humblingly open, and funny). He assisted with the directing. For our final character, the bar dude, i was able to coax Shane out of retirement. He had never felt proud of his work in ODD COUPLE, and had resisted acting again. The part of the dude was just right. A few short scenes in which he hits on girls (sitting at the actual Orpheus bar, which audiences always loved), during which the rest of us ran the lights and sound. He was hysterical, coming up with impressions of a jawa and Michael Caine in ZULU ("Don't you throw those bloody spears at me!"). We went through several casting choices for the sister, but Jennifer ended up having just the right energy. Cast chemistry is an unpredictable thing, and i am amazed at how often we gelled in just the right way, occasionally in the face of adversity. I got Amanda into the show by having her record the voice of a woman being interviewed. She confided to me much later that she skipped the auditions because she thought the show was going to be bad, and that when she saw it, she realized how wrong she'd been. For me, it was a dream. Jim was wonderful as the cocky narcissist. He came up with a few lines of his own, all funny stuff. He developed a huge crush on Melissa, which i did my best to deflect while the show was running. Jennifer provided the Orpheus's second unscheduled live nudity, the night Jim grabbed her sheet, not realizing she was topless (sadly, i didn't see it myself). Working with Melissa was pretty sublime. She was so giving and sensitive. To be able to live my character was intensely amazing…as far as i know, that famous actor and i are the only ones to have ever played the part. Our edgy-loving Tony loved the production. By now, Mallous family tensions had been alleviated somewhat. Jimmy, the oldest brother, either loved you or hated you, often within the same week. He never left the kitchen, and called us "fucking gypsies" (eventually it became a term of endearment). I wished that the Cafe were able to feed my actors occasionally, but it was their first year, so i understood. We didn't sell out, but we had decent crowds who were happy. Hollywood lawyers never showed up to shut us down, which i had been dreading. Later that year, i did get a call. I told them what they needed to hear, and that was that. I'm sure it helped that we were the tiniest of operations. For the end-show song, i chose "Fa Fa", by little-known Guster. By our third week, it was such happiness to see the actors singing the song in post-show celebration.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
14
I had two heroes during my childhood.
My grandfather and Pete Rose.
Growing up a boy in an Ohio small town during the seventies, you were expected to have an opinion on which Cincinnati player was the best on the Big Red Machine. Seeing how many chose the bopper, Johnny Bench, i chose the scrapper: Charlie Hustle. I modeled myself on the guy with the dirty uniform, always giving everything. I suppose i may have already had an inkling that i was never going to be the biggest of the bunch, so the choice made sense in that sense too. As Cincinnati was on the other side of the state, i think i only ever saw the Reds play live once, but that hardly mattered. Pete's 44-game hitting streak in '78 had me glued to the paper...and no less so the day after the streak ended. The first sports poster to ever hang on my wall was #14.
I cried (well, not literally, boys didn't cry in our house) when Pete was traded to the Phillies in 1979. I was eleven. I went into a limbo, not wanting to be a Phillies fan (Dad's team!), but knowing i could never not root for Pete.
And then...a stroke that almost seemed like divine intervention, which cemented my boyhood affection forever. Six months after Pete was traded, Dad got a promotion necessitating a move to the Philadelphia suburbs.
I thought about the ways the move might affect my life...but my first thought wasn't about any of that.
Pete went to Philadelphia.
Me too.
His Philly years were great. The teams were bursting with personality. Dad took us to at least one or two games a year. We named one of our dogs, the best dog ever, after Pete. In 83', ex-Reds Joe Morgan and Tony Perez came to town. I wasn't a Phillie fan officially, but when they won the championship in 1980, Dad told me to get my trumpet. He got a pot and ladle. We took to the street, blowing and banging.
When Pete was traded to the Expos in 1984, i was sixteen and discovering creative passions that were far more exciting than sports had ever been. I was still sad though, not imagining i'd be moving to Montreal. When he returned to Cincinnati later that year to be player-manager, i was delighted...he was back home. I happily followed his final three seasons as a player. My memory is hazy, but i remember being keenly aware of his .300 lifetime batting average being endangered. It may have even dropped to .299 for a week or two. I almost wanted him to retire, rather than risk sub-.300. When he dropped the "player" from "player/manager", i continued to follow the Reds. In 1988, i acquired one of the most cherished possessions of my life. A couple years before, my father had met hall of famer Stan Musial on an airplane, and they ended up having drinks together when they landed. Stan sent four signed baseballs to us, one for each of the kids. Remembering that the NL career hits record had belonged to Musial before Pete, i thought how amazing it would be to have both of their signatures on the same ball. During my sophomore year of college, Paul Kleba, one of my dorm buddies, told me he was going to a Phillies/Reds game, and would be seated near the field. He told me he could get Pete's signature on my ball. I happily trusted him, and got more than i bargained for. The ball that returned to me had signatures from Musial and Rose...and Johnny Bench.
And......
Shane Rawley.
Paul said that Rawley was standing with them when it was signed, and offered to sign too. How do you say no to a major leaguer, he said?
I love that ball, and somehow i love Shane Rawley too.
Then in 1989, darkness fell on Pete's career.
Fired as manager.
Banned from baseball for life.
For betting on the game. The implicated sin was that he bet on Cincinnati while managing them. Was i at least allowed to assume he bet on them to win?
I remember not being particularly outraged. I didn't say anything against him, nor did i rush to his defense. I didn't feel particularly compelled to have the "truth" revealed. Strange reaction for a high holy advocate of honesty. Even now, i wonder why it wasn't handled differently. Why wasn't he given the chance to quietly resign, with an unspoken lifetime ban? Pete's banishment dragged the sport down as much as his own reputation.
But then, it's possible that just such an arrangement was offered, and arrogantly rejected.
As for the debate over whether he belongs in the Hall of Fame...i hesitate to come down hard on either side of that issue. It turns my stomach to think that steroid users will be elected, yet without doubt some already have. It's hard to imagine anything Pete might have done that doesn't pale in comparison. But...if we were to place his actions on another manager, say Tommy Lasorda, i'd swiftly support a lifetime ban. Take it one step further however, to propose that Lasorda had a separate Hall-worthy career as a player, and i'd have a hard time justifying his ineligibility.
These days, when Dad asks whether i'd like to visit the Hall with him, i tell him i'll not set foot there until Pete's in. Is part of the reason my growing apathy toward spectator sports as a grownup? Sure. But there's truth there too.
I'm just someone who had a boyhood hero. Might i not like that hero in person? Of course. But that's beside the point.
The point is that in my own hall of memories, he'll never be banished.
He'll always be in some corner of my spirit.
Hustling.
My grandfather and Pete Rose.
Growing up a boy in an Ohio small town during the seventies, you were expected to have an opinion on which Cincinnati player was the best on the Big Red Machine. Seeing how many chose the bopper, Johnny Bench, i chose the scrapper: Charlie Hustle. I modeled myself on the guy with the dirty uniform, always giving everything. I suppose i may have already had an inkling that i was never going to be the biggest of the bunch, so the choice made sense in that sense too. As Cincinnati was on the other side of the state, i think i only ever saw the Reds play live once, but that hardly mattered. Pete's 44-game hitting streak in '78 had me glued to the paper...and no less so the day after the streak ended. The first sports poster to ever hang on my wall was #14.
I cried (well, not literally, boys didn't cry in our house) when Pete was traded to the Phillies in 1979. I was eleven. I went into a limbo, not wanting to be a Phillies fan (Dad's team!), but knowing i could never not root for Pete.
And then...a stroke that almost seemed like divine intervention, which cemented my boyhood affection forever. Six months after Pete was traded, Dad got a promotion necessitating a move to the Philadelphia suburbs.
I thought about the ways the move might affect my life...but my first thought wasn't about any of that.
Pete went to Philadelphia.
Me too.
His Philly years were great. The teams were bursting with personality. Dad took us to at least one or two games a year. We named one of our dogs, the best dog ever, after Pete. In 83', ex-Reds Joe Morgan and Tony Perez came to town. I wasn't a Phillie fan officially, but when they won the championship in 1980, Dad told me to get my trumpet. He got a pot and ladle. We took to the street, blowing and banging.
When Pete was traded to the Expos in 1984, i was sixteen and discovering creative passions that were far more exciting than sports had ever been. I was still sad though, not imagining i'd be moving to Montreal. When he returned to Cincinnati later that year to be player-manager, i was delighted...he was back home. I happily followed his final three seasons as a player. My memory is hazy, but i remember being keenly aware of his .300 lifetime batting average being endangered. It may have even dropped to .299 for a week or two. I almost wanted him to retire, rather than risk sub-.300. When he dropped the "player" from "player/manager", i continued to follow the Reds. In 1988, i acquired one of the most cherished possessions of my life. A couple years before, my father had met hall of famer Stan Musial on an airplane, and they ended up having drinks together when they landed. Stan sent four signed baseballs to us, one for each of the kids. Remembering that the NL career hits record had belonged to Musial before Pete, i thought how amazing it would be to have both of their signatures on the same ball. During my sophomore year of college, Paul Kleba, one of my dorm buddies, told me he was going to a Phillies/Reds game, and would be seated near the field. He told me he could get Pete's signature on my ball. I happily trusted him, and got more than i bargained for. The ball that returned to me had signatures from Musial and Rose...and Johnny Bench.
And......
Shane Rawley.
Paul said that Rawley was standing with them when it was signed, and offered to sign too. How do you say no to a major leaguer, he said?
I love that ball, and somehow i love Shane Rawley too.
Then in 1989, darkness fell on Pete's career.
Fired as manager.
Banned from baseball for life.
For betting on the game. The implicated sin was that he bet on Cincinnati while managing them. Was i at least allowed to assume he bet on them to win?
I remember not being particularly outraged. I didn't say anything against him, nor did i rush to his defense. I didn't feel particularly compelled to have the "truth" revealed. Strange reaction for a high holy advocate of honesty. Even now, i wonder why it wasn't handled differently. Why wasn't he given the chance to quietly resign, with an unspoken lifetime ban? Pete's banishment dragged the sport down as much as his own reputation.
But then, it's possible that just such an arrangement was offered, and arrogantly rejected.
As for the debate over whether he belongs in the Hall of Fame...i hesitate to come down hard on either side of that issue. It turns my stomach to think that steroid users will be elected, yet without doubt some already have. It's hard to imagine anything Pete might have done that doesn't pale in comparison. But...if we were to place his actions on another manager, say Tommy Lasorda, i'd swiftly support a lifetime ban. Take it one step further however, to propose that Lasorda had a separate Hall-worthy career as a player, and i'd have a hard time justifying his ineligibility.
These days, when Dad asks whether i'd like to visit the Hall with him, i tell him i'll not set foot there until Pete's in. Is part of the reason my growing apathy toward spectator sports as a grownup? Sure. But there's truth there too.
I'm just someone who had a boyhood hero. Might i not like that hero in person? Of course. But that's beside the point.
The point is that in my own hall of memories, he'll never be banished.
He'll always be in some corner of my spirit.
Hustling.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Star Trek, season 3
(Don't buy into the notion that this season is unworthy. There were clunkers, but gene's team was still in place, and there are episodes of absolute brilliance.)
FOUR-STAR EPISODES: 5
AVERAGE EPISODE RATING: 2.8
-Spock's Brain **
Brain and brain, what is brain?! Not as bad as its reputation, despite the fact that shatner, kelley, and doohan trashed it. This might be a lovely starter episode for children who have only seen TAS...but some unfortunate sexism torpedoes that possibility. I'm assuming they rejected the draft in which the aliens steal kirk's mojo?
-The Enterprise Incident ****
-written by d.c. fontana
-directed by john meredyth lucas
An edgy kirk orders Enterprise into the neutral zone, where it is quickly captured. He and spock transport onto a romulan ship, where kirk has a mental breakdown. Spock agrees to hand over Enterprise in exchange for crew amnesty. Audaciousness and unpredictability do battle with gaping plot holes, but what puts it over the top is the first female captain in TREK history - a romulan (joanne linville - A STAR IS BORN, THE GODDESS). Her counter-seductions with spock are tantalizing, and her final betrayal quite poignant.
-The Paradise Syndrome ***
Kirk falls into an obelisk, loses his memory, and is treated like a god by a native north american Earth society transplanted thousands of years ago to a far planet. He marries the gentle miramanee (sabrina scharf - EASY RIDER, HELLS ANGELS ON WHEELS), and is happy, perhaps for the first time in his life. The previous medicine man (rudy solari - THE WACKIEST SHIP IN THE ARMY, RETURN TO PEYTON PLACE) burns with jealousy. While carrying kirok's child, miramanee is murdered. Spock, in command of the Enterprise, must figure out how to deflect a planet-destroying asteroid. A poignant tale with a theme to which TREK would return, the duty-bound captain tasting a carefree life of love and family. The only thing standing between this and four stars is the patronizing, cultural-appropriation "ugh" quality. And this is what a show that was trying to be "enlightened" looked like in 1969! You should see the levels of bald-faced crassness on other shows, like BATMAN. TREK tried, really tried, to be sensitive and respectful...and utterly failed.
-And the Children Shall Lead *
Enterprise rescues children from a colony where the adults killed themselves. The kids take over, empowered by an "evil alien" (cue the ELO?). The writer is a regressive sexist who thinks that a woman's greatest fear is (or ought be) losing her looks (again, TREK?). The kids do a hocus-whammy gesture that's MST-ready, and the "good vs. evil" vibe is better suited to lesser sci fi, like that lucas hendecology. Look for brian tochi (SPACE ACADEMY, REVENGE OF THE NERDS).
-Is There in Truth No Beauty? **
Self-derivative and occasionally tedious (spock is damaged by neglecting to wear his visor, Enterprise hurled past the galaxy's edge...), but the speech he gives about corporeal isolation as he's experiencing medusan emotions, is quite touching. And strange shades of geordi...a blind person able to "see" through technology, who happens to wear a visor. Another appearance for diana muldaur (QUINCY M.E., BORN FREE)...marred by odious patriarchal boys' club condesension. No kids, please.
-Spectre of the Gun ****
-written by gene coon
-directed by vincent mceveety
As punishment for trespassing, the malkotians trap kirk, spock, mccoy, scotty, and chekov in a recreation of the gunfight at the OK Corral. The rest of the town sees them as the clanton/mcclaury gang, and they seem helpless to avoid the death stalking them. A beautiful example of budget restrictions making a better product - originally slated to be shot on location, the studio setting with intentionally incomplete sets lends a spooky feel. The guest stars, particularly the earps and doc holliday, are eerie and spot-on.
-Day of the Dove ***
An alien presence that feeds on hatred traps humans and klingons aboard Enterprise, gives them primitive weapons, and heals their wounds. TREK's klingon development is embryonic, yielding only tentative shadows of bloodthirsty warriors. Michael ansara (BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY, VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA) is kang, a worthy enemy. And chekov's almost-rape of a klingon woman ain't nothing. The only classic TREK episode that could be made a million times better today (no no no...you leave kirk vs. gorn alone, some things are sacred).
-For the World is Hollow, and I have Touched the Sky ***
Kirk, spock, and mccoy are uneasy guests inside a hollow asteroid where the inhabitants don't know there's a universe outside their home. Mccoy and the fabrini leader (katherine woodville - THE MYSTERY OF EDWIN DROOD, POSSE) fall in love. Having discovered that he's contracted a fatal disease, he chooses personal happiness over Starfleet. De kelley's greatest TREK.
-The Tholian Web ***
It moves along at a four-star pace until a seam bursts. Responding to a distress call from a sister ship, which is disappearing into an alternate universe, Enterprise is threatened by an energy web spun by the tholians, while waiting for kirk's re-emergence. Brilliant visuals inside the ill-fated Defiant. Another feminist embarrassment, as uhura comes across as simpering and ineffectual, unless daddy saves her. Who's daddy? Oh, any male, really. No kids allowed.
-Plato's Stepchildren ***
An object lesson in how hard it is to achieve four stars. Exquisite in so many ways...graceful writing by meyer dolinsky, compelling acting, and beautiful visuals. People who left Earth at the time of plato, achieving immortality and telekinesis on an alien world, abduct kirk, spock, and mccoy for entertainment and doctoring. Spock sings, laughs, and cries. Kirk acts like a horse. The dwarf alexander (poignantly rendered by michael dunn - THE WILD WILD WEST, THE WEREWOLF OF WASHINGTON) is the buffoon who ends up showing more heart than any of them. In her second TREK go-round, barbara babcock (HILL STREET BLUES, DR. QUINN) gives a beautiful, heartless performance. And of course, the first interracial kiss in television history. Wonderful.
-Wink of an Eye **
Aliens who exist in a state of hyper-acceleration commandeer Enterprise. They bring a handful of crewmembers into their reality to keep things running, and deela's (kathie browne - BONANZA, HONDO) attraction to kirk is the wedge he needs to get a message to spock and re-take the ship.
-The Empath **
Trapped in an alien laboratory, kirk, spock, and mccoy find a mute empath and become the subjects of physical/psychological experiments. A touching performance by kathryn hays (THE ROAD WEST, AS THE WORLD TURNS).
-Elaan of Troyius *
More cringingly flawed than any Trek ever. Enterprise is assigned to transport an arrogant elasian (france nuyen - SOUTH PACIFIC, THE JOY LUCK CLUB) to Troyius, where she will marry their leader and bring peace. The troyian ambassador (the unforgettably unctuous jay robinson - THE ROBE, BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA) thinks she's a barbarian, and gets knifed for his trouble. Kirk instructs her in duty and etiquette, returns slap for slap, and wouldn'cha know...they have sex! The abhorrent message? Strong women long to be "broken" (or spanked). No child (or adult) should wander within a parsec of this. Writer john meredyth lucas, you bring shame upon your species.
-Whom Gods Destroy **
Big heapings of scene-chewing and sexiness. Kirk and spock deliver drugs to a prison for the criminally insane, but the asylum has been taken over by inmate and Starfleet legend captain garth (a seamless performance by steve ihnat - IN LIKE FLINT, HOUR OF THE GUN). Yvonne craig (BATMAN, IN LIKE FLINT) is eye-popping and even nuanced as an orion inmate. Pathetically idiotic writing, but it looks great (this would clearly be the template abrams would study for the reboot).
-Let That Be Your Last Battlefield ****
-written by oliver crawford
-directed by jud taylor
Bele. Lokai. Lokai. Bele...gorshin!!! Iconic. Racism's too hot for network TV? Let's just see what TREK has to say 'bout that. Frank (BATMAN, TWELVE MONKEYS) and lou antonio (COOL HAND LUKE, SPLENDOR IN THE GRASS) play duochromatically-opposed aliens who have pursued each other for 50,000 years. They hijack Enterprise, only to find that race hatred left their planet lifeless millennia ago.
-The Mark of Gideon ***
Those subversive TREK writers. Know what this episode is? The most thinly-veiled pro-choice commercial to ever slide past the censors. Set on a planet so overcrowded that people are literally standing shoulder to shoulder, their leaders bemoan their fatal devotion to the sanctity of life. They kidnap kirk and transport him to a fake Enterprise, where he is supposed to fall in love with odona (sharon acker - THE NEW PERRY MASON, THRESHOLD), who pretends not to know where she is. Communicable, lethal disease will be reintroduced into the population.
-That Which Survives **
An away team must deal with the repeated materializations of a woman who kills those she touches. Painfully written in spots...but lee meriwether (BATMAN: THE MOVIE, THE TIME TUNNEL) continues the batathon! Also, my nominee for the worst actor in the history of TREK? Naomi pollack as lt. radha.
-The Lights of Zetar **
A lethal, sentient energy cloud possesses scotty's new love, lt. mira romaine (ROOM 222, BEN CASEY). A disappointing lapse in writing, as we're back to killing aliens we don't understand...and the patronizing, sexist portrayal of mira is truly cringeworthy. No kids, please.
-Requiem for Methusalah ***
Two worthy additions to TREK lore - flint (james daly - PLANET OF THE APES, MEDICAL CENTER), a 6000 year-old hermit genius who was brahms, solomon, and da vinci (hmm, don't recall janeway's holo-leonardo looking like...), and reyna (louise sorel - PLAZA SUITE, AIRPLANE II: THE SEQUEL), genius android unaware of her nature. The episode is an unintentionally brilliant metaphor for monogamy...an innocent dies when her two loves demand she choose one or the other.
-The Way to Eden ***
When you think 1969, many images come to mind...none of which have anything to do with STAR TREK. But in this episode, the 60s zeitgeist blooms, in a way that's kinda glorious. Really. How can "hippies take over Enterprise" be anything other than a disaster? Just let it flow, daddy-o. Led by insane genius sevrin (skip homeier - THE INTERNS, THE GHOST AND MR. CHICKEN), a band of utopians seeking a technology-free life are arrested by Enterprise for stealing a starship. Totally flower-childed out in dress and speech, they buddy up to the crew before taking over. Guess who knows their secret handshake? C'mon, guess! Spock. No, really. He admires their quest, and has a jam session with them. No, really. He has a conversation with sevrin which is subtly, exquisitely written. He bonds with one of the followers (charles napier - THE BLUES BROTHERS, AUSTIN POWERS), who turns this episode into HAIR in space. No, really. Chekov was once in love with one of the hippies. It all ends in disaster, but it's beautiful, because not for one second does it pander. Greatest book title nimoy never wrote? "I am Not Herbert".
-The Cloud Minders ***
Workers, lay down your chains, the union train's a-comin'! A repressed working class agitates on an "idyllic" planet. As with any good union film, the climax is a dirty mess in a mine shaft. Jeff corey (BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, CONAN THE DESTROYER) is spot-on as the indignant oppressor. His disturbingly sexy daughter (diana ewing - THE WAY WE WERE, 80 STEPS TO JONAH) develops a bad case of spock-crush. His responses, sadly, ain't written so well, even though nimoy acts it so wonderfully you might not notice.
-The Savage Curtain ****
-written by gene roddenberry, arthur heinemann
-directed by herschel daugherty
A burst of TREK wonderment. A rock-based lifeform kidnaps kirk and spock, and conjures figures from their minds, to study good and evil. On the side of good? Abraham lincoln (a lovely performance by lee bergere - BOB&CAROL&TED&ALICE, DYNASTY) and the founder of vulcan logic, surak (consummately rendered by barry atwater - SWEET BIRD OF YOUTH, DR. KILDARE). The dialogue between spock and surak is so tight it hums, and is the perfect antidote to later writers and actors who won't do vulcan so well. On the evil side? The great klingon kahless, khan (no, the other one!), col. green of the eugenics wars, and zora neale hurston. Brilliant at every turn.
-All Our Yesterdays ****
-written by jean lisette aroeste
-directed by marvin j. chomsky
One of the few TREKs to take you a place of emotional bleakness, and leave you there. Kirk, spock, and mccoy beam down to a pre-warp planet facing the death of its sun. The sole apparent survivor is a time portal librarian (the second TREK turn for the wonderful ian wolfe - DICK TRACY, WKRP IN CINCINNATI). They accidentally go through. Kirk is jailed in an era of pre-industrial witchhunting, and his guard is johnny haymer (M*A*S*H, ANNIE HALL). Spock and mccoy end up in a prehistoric ice age populated only by zarabeth (mariette hartley - MARNIE, GENESIS II), a political exilee. Spock finds himself reverting to the vulcan barbarism of 5000 years before, claiming zarabeth and almost killing mccoy. The chemistry is so profound, your spirit tears as they realize that leaving would kill her. A breathtaking, elevated sci fi meditation (and deserving of the featured slot in any SCREW-THE-TEMPORAL-PRIME-DIRECTIVE-A-THON, as all the inhabitants of a dying planet are sent back into any historical period they wish).
-Turnabout Intruder *
Somewhere in this worst classic episode ever, there was a good intention - this would be TREK's greatest feminist moment! The plot revolves around the idea that no woman could become a starship captain. Talk about hoisted by one's own petard...instead of pricking the conscience, it just comes off as painful to even consider that this could be part of humanity's future. It's easy to say that decades later, but i suspect this one has been making people wince since the 70s, as it also flogs the idea that jilted women go insane. Lost in the mess is the funniest neck pinch ever (compliments of redshirt john boyer), and jimmy doohan's greatest classic scene. It's tempting to wish that "All Our Yesterdays" could have been the last episode...but perhaps this crashing dud coming last somehow contributes appropriately to the show's mythology, symbolic of the network mishandling of the greatest television show ever.
FOUR-STAR EPISODES: 5
AVERAGE EPISODE RATING: 2.8
-Spock's Brain **
Brain and brain, what is brain?! Not as bad as its reputation, despite the fact that shatner, kelley, and doohan trashed it. This might be a lovely starter episode for children who have only seen TAS...but some unfortunate sexism torpedoes that possibility. I'm assuming they rejected the draft in which the aliens steal kirk's mojo?
-The Enterprise Incident ****
-written by d.c. fontana
-directed by john meredyth lucas
An edgy kirk orders Enterprise into the neutral zone, where it is quickly captured. He and spock transport onto a romulan ship, where kirk has a mental breakdown. Spock agrees to hand over Enterprise in exchange for crew amnesty. Audaciousness and unpredictability do battle with gaping plot holes, but what puts it over the top is the first female captain in TREK history - a romulan (joanne linville - A STAR IS BORN, THE GODDESS). Her counter-seductions with spock are tantalizing, and her final betrayal quite poignant.
-The Paradise Syndrome ***
Kirk falls into an obelisk, loses his memory, and is treated like a god by a native north american Earth society transplanted thousands of years ago to a far planet. He marries the gentle miramanee (sabrina scharf - EASY RIDER, HELLS ANGELS ON WHEELS), and is happy, perhaps for the first time in his life. The previous medicine man (rudy solari - THE WACKIEST SHIP IN THE ARMY, RETURN TO PEYTON PLACE) burns with jealousy. While carrying kirok's child, miramanee is murdered. Spock, in command of the Enterprise, must figure out how to deflect a planet-destroying asteroid. A poignant tale with a theme to which TREK would return, the duty-bound captain tasting a carefree life of love and family. The only thing standing between this and four stars is the patronizing, cultural-appropriation "ugh" quality. And this is what a show that was trying to be "enlightened" looked like in 1969! You should see the levels of bald-faced crassness on other shows, like BATMAN. TREK tried, really tried, to be sensitive and respectful...and utterly failed.
-And the Children Shall Lead *
Enterprise rescues children from a colony where the adults killed themselves. The kids take over, empowered by an "evil alien" (cue the ELO?). The writer is a regressive sexist who thinks that a woman's greatest fear is (or ought be) losing her looks (again, TREK?). The kids do a hocus-whammy gesture that's MST-ready, and the "good vs. evil" vibe is better suited to lesser sci fi, like that lucas hendecology. Look for brian tochi (SPACE ACADEMY, REVENGE OF THE NERDS).
-Is There in Truth No Beauty? **
Self-derivative and occasionally tedious (spock is damaged by neglecting to wear his visor, Enterprise hurled past the galaxy's edge...), but the speech he gives about corporeal isolation as he's experiencing medusan emotions, is quite touching. And strange shades of geordi...a blind person able to "see" through technology, who happens to wear a visor. Another appearance for diana muldaur (QUINCY M.E., BORN FREE)...marred by odious patriarchal boys' club condesension. No kids, please.
-Spectre of the Gun ****
-written by gene coon
-directed by vincent mceveety
As punishment for trespassing, the malkotians trap kirk, spock, mccoy, scotty, and chekov in a recreation of the gunfight at the OK Corral. The rest of the town sees them as the clanton/mcclaury gang, and they seem helpless to avoid the death stalking them. A beautiful example of budget restrictions making a better product - originally slated to be shot on location, the studio setting with intentionally incomplete sets lends a spooky feel. The guest stars, particularly the earps and doc holliday, are eerie and spot-on.
-Day of the Dove ***
An alien presence that feeds on hatred traps humans and klingons aboard Enterprise, gives them primitive weapons, and heals their wounds. TREK's klingon development is embryonic, yielding only tentative shadows of bloodthirsty warriors. Michael ansara (BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY, VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA) is kang, a worthy enemy. And chekov's almost-rape of a klingon woman ain't nothing. The only classic TREK episode that could be made a million times better today (no no no...you leave kirk vs. gorn alone, some things are sacred).
-For the World is Hollow, and I have Touched the Sky ***
Kirk, spock, and mccoy are uneasy guests inside a hollow asteroid where the inhabitants don't know there's a universe outside their home. Mccoy and the fabrini leader (katherine woodville - THE MYSTERY OF EDWIN DROOD, POSSE) fall in love. Having discovered that he's contracted a fatal disease, he chooses personal happiness over Starfleet. De kelley's greatest TREK.
-The Tholian Web ***
It moves along at a four-star pace until a seam bursts. Responding to a distress call from a sister ship, which is disappearing into an alternate universe, Enterprise is threatened by an energy web spun by the tholians, while waiting for kirk's re-emergence. Brilliant visuals inside the ill-fated Defiant. Another feminist embarrassment, as uhura comes across as simpering and ineffectual, unless daddy saves her. Who's daddy? Oh, any male, really. No kids allowed.
-Plato's Stepchildren ***
An object lesson in how hard it is to achieve four stars. Exquisite in so many ways...graceful writing by meyer dolinsky, compelling acting, and beautiful visuals. People who left Earth at the time of plato, achieving immortality and telekinesis on an alien world, abduct kirk, spock, and mccoy for entertainment and doctoring. Spock sings, laughs, and cries. Kirk acts like a horse. The dwarf alexander (poignantly rendered by michael dunn - THE WILD WILD WEST, THE WEREWOLF OF WASHINGTON) is the buffoon who ends up showing more heart than any of them. In her second TREK go-round, barbara babcock (HILL STREET BLUES, DR. QUINN) gives a beautiful, heartless performance. And of course, the first interracial kiss in television history. Wonderful.
-Wink of an Eye **
Aliens who exist in a state of hyper-acceleration commandeer Enterprise. They bring a handful of crewmembers into their reality to keep things running, and deela's (kathie browne - BONANZA, HONDO) attraction to kirk is the wedge he needs to get a message to spock and re-take the ship.
-The Empath **
Trapped in an alien laboratory, kirk, spock, and mccoy find a mute empath and become the subjects of physical/psychological experiments. A touching performance by kathryn hays (THE ROAD WEST, AS THE WORLD TURNS).
-Elaan of Troyius *
More cringingly flawed than any Trek ever. Enterprise is assigned to transport an arrogant elasian (france nuyen - SOUTH PACIFIC, THE JOY LUCK CLUB) to Troyius, where she will marry their leader and bring peace. The troyian ambassador (the unforgettably unctuous jay robinson - THE ROBE, BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA) thinks she's a barbarian, and gets knifed for his trouble. Kirk instructs her in duty and etiquette, returns slap for slap, and wouldn'cha know...they have sex! The abhorrent message? Strong women long to be "broken" (or spanked). No child (or adult) should wander within a parsec of this. Writer john meredyth lucas, you bring shame upon your species.
-Whom Gods Destroy **
Big heapings of scene-chewing and sexiness. Kirk and spock deliver drugs to a prison for the criminally insane, but the asylum has been taken over by inmate and Starfleet legend captain garth (a seamless performance by steve ihnat - IN LIKE FLINT, HOUR OF THE GUN). Yvonne craig (BATMAN, IN LIKE FLINT) is eye-popping and even nuanced as an orion inmate. Pathetically idiotic writing, but it looks great (this would clearly be the template abrams would study for the reboot).
-Let That Be Your Last Battlefield ****
-written by oliver crawford
-directed by jud taylor
Bele. Lokai. Lokai. Bele...gorshin!!! Iconic. Racism's too hot for network TV? Let's just see what TREK has to say 'bout that. Frank (BATMAN, TWELVE MONKEYS) and lou antonio (COOL HAND LUKE, SPLENDOR IN THE GRASS) play duochromatically-opposed aliens who have pursued each other for 50,000 years. They hijack Enterprise, only to find that race hatred left their planet lifeless millennia ago.
-The Mark of Gideon ***
Those subversive TREK writers. Know what this episode is? The most thinly-veiled pro-choice commercial to ever slide past the censors. Set on a planet so overcrowded that people are literally standing shoulder to shoulder, their leaders bemoan their fatal devotion to the sanctity of life. They kidnap kirk and transport him to a fake Enterprise, where he is supposed to fall in love with odona (sharon acker - THE NEW PERRY MASON, THRESHOLD), who pretends not to know where she is. Communicable, lethal disease will be reintroduced into the population.
-That Which Survives **
An away team must deal with the repeated materializations of a woman who kills those she touches. Painfully written in spots...but lee meriwether (BATMAN: THE MOVIE, THE TIME TUNNEL) continues the batathon! Also, my nominee for the worst actor in the history of TREK? Naomi pollack as lt. radha.
-The Lights of Zetar **
A lethal, sentient energy cloud possesses scotty's new love, lt. mira romaine (ROOM 222, BEN CASEY). A disappointing lapse in writing, as we're back to killing aliens we don't understand...and the patronizing, sexist portrayal of mira is truly cringeworthy. No kids, please.
-Requiem for Methusalah ***
Two worthy additions to TREK lore - flint (james daly - PLANET OF THE APES, MEDICAL CENTER), a 6000 year-old hermit genius who was brahms, solomon, and da vinci (hmm, don't recall janeway's holo-leonardo looking like...), and reyna (louise sorel - PLAZA SUITE, AIRPLANE II: THE SEQUEL), genius android unaware of her nature. The episode is an unintentionally brilliant metaphor for monogamy...an innocent dies when her two loves demand she choose one or the other.
-The Way to Eden ***
When you think 1969, many images come to mind...none of which have anything to do with STAR TREK. But in this episode, the 60s zeitgeist blooms, in a way that's kinda glorious. Really. How can "hippies take over Enterprise" be anything other than a disaster? Just let it flow, daddy-o. Led by insane genius sevrin (skip homeier - THE INTERNS, THE GHOST AND MR. CHICKEN), a band of utopians seeking a technology-free life are arrested by Enterprise for stealing a starship. Totally flower-childed out in dress and speech, they buddy up to the crew before taking over. Guess who knows their secret handshake? C'mon, guess! Spock. No, really. He admires their quest, and has a jam session with them. No, really. He has a conversation with sevrin which is subtly, exquisitely written. He bonds with one of the followers (charles napier - THE BLUES BROTHERS, AUSTIN POWERS), who turns this episode into HAIR in space. No, really. Chekov was once in love with one of the hippies. It all ends in disaster, but it's beautiful, because not for one second does it pander. Greatest book title nimoy never wrote? "I am Not Herbert".
-The Cloud Minders ***
Workers, lay down your chains, the union train's a-comin'! A repressed working class agitates on an "idyllic" planet. As with any good union film, the climax is a dirty mess in a mine shaft. Jeff corey (BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, CONAN THE DESTROYER) is spot-on as the indignant oppressor. His disturbingly sexy daughter (diana ewing - THE WAY WE WERE, 80 STEPS TO JONAH) develops a bad case of spock-crush. His responses, sadly, ain't written so well, even though nimoy acts it so wonderfully you might not notice.
-The Savage Curtain ****
-written by gene roddenberry, arthur heinemann
-directed by herschel daugherty
A burst of TREK wonderment. A rock-based lifeform kidnaps kirk and spock, and conjures figures from their minds, to study good and evil. On the side of good? Abraham lincoln (a lovely performance by lee bergere - BOB&CAROL&TED&ALICE, DYNASTY) and the founder of vulcan logic, surak (consummately rendered by barry atwater - SWEET BIRD OF YOUTH, DR. KILDARE). The dialogue between spock and surak is so tight it hums, and is the perfect antidote to later writers and actors who won't do vulcan so well. On the evil side? The great klingon kahless, khan (no, the other one!), col. green of the eugenics wars, and zora neale hurston. Brilliant at every turn.
-All Our Yesterdays ****
-written by jean lisette aroeste
-directed by marvin j. chomsky
One of the few TREKs to take you a place of emotional bleakness, and leave you there. Kirk, spock, and mccoy beam down to a pre-warp planet facing the death of its sun. The sole apparent survivor is a time portal librarian (the second TREK turn for the wonderful ian wolfe - DICK TRACY, WKRP IN CINCINNATI). They accidentally go through. Kirk is jailed in an era of pre-industrial witchhunting, and his guard is johnny haymer (M*A*S*H, ANNIE HALL). Spock and mccoy end up in a prehistoric ice age populated only by zarabeth (mariette hartley - MARNIE, GENESIS II), a political exilee. Spock finds himself reverting to the vulcan barbarism of 5000 years before, claiming zarabeth and almost killing mccoy. The chemistry is so profound, your spirit tears as they realize that leaving would kill her. A breathtaking, elevated sci fi meditation (and deserving of the featured slot in any SCREW-THE-TEMPORAL-PRIME-DIRECTIVE-A-THON, as all the inhabitants of a dying planet are sent back into any historical period they wish).
-Turnabout Intruder *
Somewhere in this worst classic episode ever, there was a good intention - this would be TREK's greatest feminist moment! The plot revolves around the idea that no woman could become a starship captain. Talk about hoisted by one's own petard...instead of pricking the conscience, it just comes off as painful to even consider that this could be part of humanity's future. It's easy to say that decades later, but i suspect this one has been making people wince since the 70s, as it also flogs the idea that jilted women go insane. Lost in the mess is the funniest neck pinch ever (compliments of redshirt john boyer), and jimmy doohan's greatest classic scene. It's tempting to wish that "All Our Yesterdays" could have been the last episode...but perhaps this crashing dud coming last somehow contributes appropriately to the show's mythology, symbolic of the network mishandling of the greatest television show ever.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
game
This is what i wear
So this is what you owe me
Other people see
Pretty girls, they blow me
Look at this face
Yeah, that's my hair
Look at this ass
Men stick tongues in there
What, she wouldn't love me
without this money and power?
What, he wouldn't love me
if i wasn't such a flower?
Don't give me that crap
My boys here will stomp you
Don't be holier-than-thou
If you could, you'd do like i do
It's a crappy world
But we're on top
And damn sure gonna stay
I get her beauty
I get his money
And you, you just can't play
So this is what you owe me
Other people see
Pretty girls, they blow me
Look at this face
Yeah, that's my hair
Look at this ass
Men stick tongues in there
What, she wouldn't love me
without this money and power?
What, he wouldn't love me
if i wasn't such a flower?
Don't give me that crap
My boys here will stomp you
Don't be holier-than-thou
If you could, you'd do like i do
It's a crappy world
But we're on top
And damn sure gonna stay
I get her beauty
I get his money
And you, you just can't play
Friday, September 2, 2011
Star Trek animated
(May we dispense with the notion of this series being "non-canonical"? Roddenberry oversaw it. They had the entire cast, save chekov. Writers and other members of the original creative team were onboard. It's a treat for adult fans, and the perfect way for a youth to start the voyage...)
FOUR-STAR EPISODES: 2
SERIES AVERAGE: 3.0
SEASON 1
-Beyond the Farthest Star ***
An ancient, derelict, advanced starship is found. A malevolent life form living in the computer attempts to take over Enterprise.
-Yesteryear ****
-written by d.c. fontana
-directed by hal sutherland
Through an accident with the Guardian of Time ("City on the Edge of Forever" TOS), spock's adult existence is eliminated from history. When he realizes that a "cousin" who once saved his life was actually himself, he must travel in time to his own childhood. Mark lenard (THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD, HERE COME THE BRIDES) returns to voice sarek.
-One of Our Planets is Missing ***
Enterprise must stop a planet-consuming cloud. If it feels familiar, you're not crazy. If it feels familiar, you're not crazy.
-The Lorelei Signal ***
A signal from a mysterious planet puts all the men in a dreamlike state. The landing party is captured by a race of beautiful women (all blonde...hmm), and drained of their life force. Metaphor department, cleanup in aisle 3! The female crewmembers proceed to kick asstrogen.
-More Tribbles, More Troubles ***
Cyrano jones (stanley adams - BATMAN, EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX* BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK) is back, this time with oversized tribbles, and aggrieved klingons hot on his trail.
-The Survivor **
After being missing for five years, a famed humanitarian is found...or is he? One star lost for sexist claptrap, as another woman is portrayed as an ineffectual, quivering slave to emotions.
-The Infinite Vulcan ***
On a planet of intelligent plants who want to create a master race capable of imposing peace on the galaxy, spock is cloned and grown to immense size. Written by walter koenig!
-The Magicks of Megas-Tu ***
Searching for the heart of the galaxy, Enterprise is saved by a devilish stranger. He takes them to a planet where they are put on trial, just as its inhabitants were put on trial on Earth centuries before. Guest starring as asmodeus? Ed bishop (UFO, 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY)! A sci fi fanboy dream.
-Once Upon a Planet ***
Returning to the amusement planet ("Shore Leave" TOS), Enterprise discovers the caretaker has died, and malevolent computerized havoc reigns.
-Mudd's Passion **
FOUR-STAR EPISODES: 2
SERIES AVERAGE: 3.0
SEASON 1
-Beyond the Farthest Star ***
An ancient, derelict, advanced starship is found. A malevolent life form living in the computer attempts to take over Enterprise.
-Yesteryear ****
-written by d.c. fontana
-directed by hal sutherland
Through an accident with the Guardian of Time ("City on the Edge of Forever" TOS), spock's adult existence is eliminated from history. When he realizes that a "cousin" who once saved his life was actually himself, he must travel in time to his own childhood. Mark lenard (THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD, HERE COME THE BRIDES) returns to voice sarek.
-One of Our Planets is Missing ***
Enterprise must stop a planet-consuming cloud. If it feels familiar, you're not crazy. If it feels familiar, you're not crazy.
-The Lorelei Signal ***
A signal from a mysterious planet puts all the men in a dreamlike state. The landing party is captured by a race of beautiful women (all blonde...hmm), and drained of their life force. Metaphor department, cleanup in aisle 3! The female crewmembers proceed to kick asstrogen.
-More Tribbles, More Troubles ***
Cyrano jones (stanley adams - BATMAN, EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX* BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK) is back, this time with oversized tribbles, and aggrieved klingons hot on his trail.
-The Survivor **
After being missing for five years, a famed humanitarian is found...or is he? One star lost for sexist claptrap, as another woman is portrayed as an ineffectual, quivering slave to emotions.
-The Infinite Vulcan ***
On a planet of intelligent plants who want to create a master race capable of imposing peace on the galaxy, spock is cloned and grown to immense size. Written by walter koenig!
-The Magicks of Megas-Tu ***
Searching for the heart of the galaxy, Enterprise is saved by a devilish stranger. He takes them to a planet where they are put on trial, just as its inhabitants were put on trial on Earth centuries before. Guest starring as asmodeus? Ed bishop (UFO, 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY)! A sci fi fanboy dream.
-Once Upon a Planet ***
Returning to the amusement planet ("Shore Leave" TOS), Enterprise discovers the caretaker has died, and malevolent computerized havoc reigns.
-Mudd's Passion **
Harry mudd (roger c. carmel - BATMAN, THE MOTHERS-IN-LAW) is back, hawking love crystals. Spock falls in love with chapel. Utterly misogynistic and trope-laden, as chapel is portrayed as another feeble-minded, spineless female who abandons her responsibilities because she's a slave to her ovaries. NO KIDS ALLOWED.
-The Terratin Incident ***
A signal from the Cepheus system causes the crew to shrink. Can they figure out why, while they're still big enough to use their instruments?
-The Time Trap ***
Members of every race in the known galaxy have created a benevolent utopia inside an inescapable "Bermuda's Triangle". The Enterprise and a klingon cruiser commanded by kor get pulled in, and must work together to escape.
-The Ambergris Element ***
Lost on a water world, kirk and spock are transformed into water-breathers by the rebellious youth of a civilization which hates air-breathers. Wonderful, with one star lost for an unfortunate reference to mccoy performing dangerous experiments on other animals.
-The Slaver Weapon ***
Written by larry niven - a fascinating bauble for his fans, as spock, sulu, and uhura face off against kzinti. The only kirkless classic TREK.
-The Eye of the Beholder ***
The bridge crew find themselves on display in an alien zoo. They struggle to communicate with their far-superior captors. Delightful all around. One star lost for affirming that humans aren't animals.
-The Jihad ***
Kirk and spock join a team of galactic experts, in trying to avert a holy war. A fun ride on a crystalline lava planet.
SEASON 2
-The Pirates of Orion ***
A fun jaunt, as orions steal medicine needed to save spock's life. It teeters on the brink of seeming (and looking) like they're not even talking about the already-established orions, but rebounds with some fascinating stuff about the suicidal lengths they'll go, to preserve their neutrality.
-Bem ***
Say hello to one of the most squirrelly characters in TREK lore...bem. An alien envoy, he badgers his way onto an away mission, and proceeds make surreptitious mayhem thanks to his unknown abilities as a colony creature. For a while, he comes off as a thousand times hipper than ol' j.t. kirk.
-The Practical Joker ***
Kirk is a jerk! Eluding romulans, Enterprise passes through an energy field that makes the ship's computer play non-stop practical jokes (no picky questions, just go with it). Mccoy, uhura, and sulu get trapped on the "rec deck" (or holodeck...the very first TREK appearance thereof).
-Albatross ***
Mccoy is arrested and charged with causing an alien plague.
-How Sharper than a Serpent's Tooth **
Enterprise encounters a being who once visited Earth, and shaped mayan culture.
-The Counter-Clock Incident ****
-written by fred bronson
-directed by bill reed, hal sutherland
That...was...wild. With original captain robert april aboard, Enterprise tries to intercept a ship heading for a nova at warp 36. They're pulled into an opposite universe (not mirror, not alternate, stay with us), where everyone ages backwards. Surrounded by infants, april and his wife and spock save the day. If you've never heard george takei do an impression of a teenage takei, you've never heard funny.
-The Terratin Incident ***
A signal from the Cepheus system causes the crew to shrink. Can they figure out why, while they're still big enough to use their instruments?
-The Time Trap ***
Members of every race in the known galaxy have created a benevolent utopia inside an inescapable "Bermuda's Triangle". The Enterprise and a klingon cruiser commanded by kor get pulled in, and must work together to escape.
-The Ambergris Element ***
Lost on a water world, kirk and spock are transformed into water-breathers by the rebellious youth of a civilization which hates air-breathers. Wonderful, with one star lost for an unfortunate reference to mccoy performing dangerous experiments on other animals.
-The Slaver Weapon ***
Written by larry niven - a fascinating bauble for his fans, as spock, sulu, and uhura face off against kzinti. The only kirkless classic TREK.
-The Eye of the Beholder ***
The bridge crew find themselves on display in an alien zoo. They struggle to communicate with their far-superior captors. Delightful all around. One star lost for affirming that humans aren't animals.
-The Jihad ***
Kirk and spock join a team of galactic experts, in trying to avert a holy war. A fun ride on a crystalline lava planet.
SEASON 2
-The Pirates of Orion ***
A fun jaunt, as orions steal medicine needed to save spock's life. It teeters on the brink of seeming (and looking) like they're not even talking about the already-established orions, but rebounds with some fascinating stuff about the suicidal lengths they'll go, to preserve their neutrality.
-Bem ***
Say hello to one of the most squirrelly characters in TREK lore...bem. An alien envoy, he badgers his way onto an away mission, and proceeds make surreptitious mayhem thanks to his unknown abilities as a colony creature. For a while, he comes off as a thousand times hipper than ol' j.t. kirk.
-The Practical Joker ***
Kirk is a jerk! Eluding romulans, Enterprise passes through an energy field that makes the ship's computer play non-stop practical jokes (no picky questions, just go with it). Mccoy, uhura, and sulu get trapped on the "rec deck" (or holodeck...the very first TREK appearance thereof).
-Albatross ***
Mccoy is arrested and charged with causing an alien plague.
-How Sharper than a Serpent's Tooth **
Enterprise encounters a being who once visited Earth, and shaped mayan culture.
-The Counter-Clock Incident ****
-written by fred bronson
-directed by bill reed, hal sutherland
That...was...wild. With original captain robert april aboard, Enterprise tries to intercept a ship heading for a nova at warp 36. They're pulled into an opposite universe (not mirror, not alternate, stay with us), where everyone ages backwards. Surrounded by infants, april and his wife and spock save the day. If you've never heard george takei do an impression of a teenage takei, you've never heard funny.
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