president?

I had won the presidential election. I was in a large hall, with a small multitude of people. We had to quickly pick a vice-president, and were screening candidates. There were a handful of my people handling this, among them Jimmy Smits, who was my vice-president (don't look for consistency here). We were picking people to interview, and i saw one unassuming character who wasn't even trying to put his name forward. I liked that, and remembered his name. Jimmy was very excited about it all, and when we gathered our group to confer, he said he wanted to see the same unassuming man, whose name was Santos. After another few moments, i realized that JIMMY was the new president, and that i had gotten him elected. I must be his chief of staff, then. It suddenly made sense. I almost spoke up to question the wisdom of a chief of staff who can't remember he's not the president, but i let it slide. We then all went off to the white house, but i can't remember those parts clearly.

no umbrella

I want the bald woman
I want the white woman not raised by whites

I want the scarred woman
I want the asian woman who wants an equal

I want the sweaty woman
I want the black woman who doesn't straighten

Don't be black
Be human

Don't be a man
Be human

Don't be a jew
Be human

quiz you, i will

Quiz time! Name the film to which the following movie taglines belong. As if that weren't excitement enough, i translated them into Yoda-speak. Highest score wins a Dagobah bungalow.
1) In check. Relax. A shower, take.
2) In their hands, her life was. In the mail, her toe is.
3) The weekend this is, that play golf they did not.
4) In space, hear you scream no one can.
5) A disease, crime is. The cure, meet.
6) Young, they are...in love, they are...kill people, they do.
7) An epic, it makes Ben Hur look like.
8) Continues, the adventure does...
9) Laugh, you will. Cry, you will. Hurl, you will.
10) Looking for America a man went, and find it nowhere he could.
11) Cry for it, women do. Die for it, men do!
12) Believe a man can fly, you will!
13) Afraid, he is. Alone, he is. 3 million light years from home, he is.
14) Sits, he does. Stays, he does. Shoots, he does. Scores, he does.
1 - PSYCHO
2 - THE BIG LEBOWSKI
3 - DELIVERANCE
4 - ALIEN
5 - COBRA
6 - BONNIE AND CLYDE
7 - MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL
8 - THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
9 - WAYNE'S WORLD
10 - EASY RIDER
11 - REEFER MADNESS
12 - SUPERMAN
13 - E.T.
14 - AIRBUD

not-ends 7

It's been seven decades and five wars since America was attacked by another country. Shouldn't we be calling them "offense contractors"?

No body part is subject to more anxiety than the penis. Yet in the most statistically satisfying female sexual relationships, there's nary a penis in sight.

Why do men stand to pee? A slice of macho idiocy. If every man had to clean the loo, men would sit quick, whether pee or poo.

How can you tell when a human is being self-serving? Their mouth is open.

Few have ever had one foot so firmly in heaven, and one so firmly in hell, as Walt Disney. He gave us King Louie, Thumper, and the Seven Dwarfs. And he poisoned generations with the notion that wimyn need to be rescued.

When our lover expresses love for another, why is that more disturbing than an expression of hatred?

In your world, is "fashionable" negative or positive?

I know, i know, i'm supposed to channel my inner Twain and say, "The only thing worse than sex with a condom? No sex at all." I know, i'm supposed to. But. I. Just. Cannot. Do it. If my life has taught me anything, it's that no sex is preferable to sex with a condom...but barely...ever so ever so just BARELY barely.

Why are non-believers generally more christian than Christians?

The battle of the sexes was done, when we figured out nobody won.

It's great that arranged marriages are a thing of the past. So, how's that E-Harmony working out?

i died the other night...and panties!

I had one of the most stark, intense dreams of my life a few nights ago. In a world of darkness and foreboding, i am with two companions. We are well-dressed, with a dark, expensive car. They say we must get in, and go quickly. We do so, in the pre-dawn mist. They are in the front. I am filled with uncertainty about the choice we are making. Almost immediately, we see ahead of us two policemen, their car parked by the side of a cliff. My companions say we must get by them. The officers are down on one knee, their guns pointed toward the road. As we zip past, i hear two shots. As time freezes, i feel bullets tear through my neck. I know i will die, and have a few moments to absorb this reality. I do not speak to my companions, for they, like everything, are now irrelevant. There are no words. Only emptiness.
I wake up.
I have never died in any dream i can recall, nor been shot. I suppose it's not entirely surprising i had this dream now, as my life has been filled with wounds and siege lately. And it also may be relevant that before i went to sleep, i learned that i may have exposed myself to herpes.
I share an apartment with a young latino couple, and an older gay couple. The woman regularly leaves her panties up to dry in the shower. This bothers the other couple, but i don't mind, i actually like it. Over the past few weeks, i've had a growing urge to touch the panties. Once or twice, i've done so. Yesterday, i had the urge to tear at the panties with my teeth. The curious thing about this is that i'm not particularly attracted to her. She wears makeup, and seems mousey.
Ah sex, you encumbered, twisted, beautiful bastard!

graduate assistant

One of the coolest jobs i ever held was graduate assistant. In my mid-twenties, i got a master's degree in philosophy from West Chester U. of PA. It took me three semesters, and i was the department's grad assistant for the last two. The department had only one assistant, and it was only part-time at that, but it was a nice boon in reducing my tuition. The fact that there was only one, also made it a nice match for my personality.
My two semesters covered a transition between department heads, and i felt honored to be the only assistant who ever worked for both Dr. Claghorn and Dr. Platt. Ostensibly i assisted the entire faculty, but it was the department head who had use of my services almost exclusively. George Claghorn, who specialized in early American philosophy, was a gentle soul who had been the heart of the department for decades. He seemed a relic from a more courteous time. He sprinkled touches of humor into his serious-mindedness, and his soft laughter was a joy. During my semester with him, most of my duties consisted of researching 19th century Boston newspapers, collecting references for a book he was writing.
Thomas Platt, an Episcopalian minister who specialized in ethics, had a wry sense of humor very much in line with my own. He had been one of my favorite undergrad professors, and had even loaned me one of his clerical outfits for a production of "The Importance of Being Earnest". The semester i spent with him provided more exciting duties. I tutored undergrads, and covered classes for professors who were absent. There was also some clerical work, which was fun because i thought the world of Dr. Platt's secretary, Gerri. That final semester i also revived the long-dormant philosophy club, the only organization of which i've ever been president. We met weekly, and i was able to bring together a core group of about ten regulars. We also had regular newcomers, in part because of my posters. I would advertise the week's activity, making full use of my aforementioned humor. It was very gratifying knowing that the club became strong and vibrant, and continued after i left.
My courses were pretty wonderful. Debating and wrestling with deep issues came very naturally to me. Strangely though, my elective courses in psychology ended up being more exciting, as they dealt with more concrete realities.
One of the most memorable moments came one afternoon while lounging on the quad, a grassy area at the center of campus where students played and relaxed. I was with five or six philosophy M.A. students. We had been volleyballing or frisbeeing. We had all known each other for at least a semester, and were among the brightest in our department. Despite our familiarity, we didn't know each other inside and out, and part of that came from how we approached our studies. We focused on questions more than answers, and didn't demand that everyone take a stand on every issue. So very often, each other's core attitudes were unknown. And too, in a program which lasts only three semesters, deep friendships are more rare. There's a smaller pool of students, and from that pool, the odds are long that the even smaller handful you could really connect with, will be there at the exact same time as you. So you might have only one or two semesters with those few you might develop a close friendship with.
Anyway, the group of us on the quad enjoyed each other's company, and on that day, a moment of unforgettable resonance occurred. A pair of evangelical students came up to us, and began witnessing. After a minute or two, one of them asked a direct question: did we believe in God? We had a moment's hesitation, in which we exchanged the briefest of glances. None of us knew the rest of the group's answers to that question, and the thought of alienating each other a tiny bit probably played through most of our minds.
I doubt anyone expected what happened next.
One of us answered "no".
Another voice said the same.
Then another.
One by one, we all answered "no".
It was a moment of affirmation and beauty. We knew that we represented some of the best minds from the communities that had molded us. And in a moment of synchronicity, we knew that we had each figured something out, in spite of the cultural influences most of us had grown up with. The evangelical students had perhaps chosen that question because in any group of more than two, it was a question almost guaranteed to provide at least one ally.
But they quickly realized they had asked the wrong question, as several of us began dismantling any proposition they offered up. They soon accepted the obvious, and beat a retreat.
In retrospect, it was the tiniest bit unfair, like picking on younger siblings. They were of good intent, but middling intelligence.
As they left, we looked at one another...and i think there was a tiny element of redemption for most of us, in what had taken place. Religious folk are almost by definition sanctimonious, a fact that is frustrating for those who take a more humble approach to life and knowledge. Religious folk even delude themselves into believing that their approach to life is rooted in humility, but to claim knowledge of "God" requires an arrogance of stunning proportions. And the fact that our group had discussed god in great depth, yet remained ignorant of each others' beliefs...it was simply a very profound moment of synchronicity.
A moment to feel that, despite the barbaric ignorance and superstition all around us, the world of tomorrow will indeed shine with brother and sisterhood, and truth.

Labor Ready

During a fallow work period in my Florida life, between theaters i ran and at a time when acting jobs were scarce, i became abruptly homeless. I still had my freelance tree trimming, but this crisis came during the summer, when the snowbirds (and income therefrom) were away. I needed regular income, and quick.
I had been living with Shane and his girlfriend Angelina, in Megan's condominium. Shane was one of my oldest FL friends. He had acted in my shows, and been stage manager for many more. Angelina was his girlfriend from Utah, who had moved to be with him. Megan was Shane's father's girlfriend. We paid her monthly (at the time of the crisis, however, i was the only one who was up to date with rent). Shane's dad, who was visiting from NY with Megan, had become direly concerned. In the parlance of his religion, he felt Angelina was a dark mass who would bring Shane to an early death. Even though i was more than a little sympathetic to his concerns, i had long since made my feelings known, and was now content to support my friend in whatever he did. Shane's dad and Megan made an ultimatum: either Shane put Angelina on a plane back to Utah forever, or they would have to leave the condo immediately. Unless i supported this ultimatum, i would have to leave too. Shane stood by her, and i stood by him. We gathered our belongings into my station wagon, and left.
I contacted friends who might be able to help us, and within a few hours, my waitress friend Jenny had offered her guest room. She was on the mainland. We moved in, and shared the apartment with Jenny, her two ferrets, and her occasional boyfriend. She never asked for rent, but i gave her a little money when i could. Shane and Angelina didn't respond well to the crisis...for the 6 or so weeks we were there, they barely worked. On top of that, they kept their part of the house (and often the kitchen) a mess. It embarrassed me, and eventually i chastened them, with some good effect.
When we were shown the curb, i had just paid rent, but Megan said it had already been spent. Finding immediate and regular work that didn't feel like prostitution was a challenge. I scanned the want ads, and found Labor Ready.
There are businesses like Labor Ready all across the land. They provide temp day laborers. The workers who end up there are at the bottom of the labor barrel: dropouts, legal and questionably-legal aliens, and people unable to hold a job in the "regular" world. This attracted me on several levels. When i wasn't being creative, i preferred work that was physical, and working at the bottom of the barrel was spiritually appealing.
With Labor Ready, you rarely knew ahead of time whether you'd work on a given day. You showed up at the office around 6AM, and waited while they handed out assignments. If you were still waiting at 8AM, you were out of luck. Fortunately, i didn't have many days like that. This was probably because i established myself as strong and reliable, and also perhaps because i was white and well-spoken, which increased the likelihood of Labor Ready's getting repeat business.
You got paid by check each day back at the main office. After taxes, it came out to about $40. If you got asked to be a crew supervisor, you got $70 (as one of the newer guys, i only got that honor one time). Most jobs involved several workers, though i remember a couple that were one-man. The companies or individuals who hired us generally treated us well. The work was hard, but seldom prohibitively so. One exception to this was the day i literally dug ditches, during summer in south Florida. I've never experienced anything like it, before or since.
But occasionally you'd get lucky in the other direction, stumbling into something almost laughably easy.
After several weeks, i hit the Labor Ready jackpot: a long-term contract (long-term being anything over a day). A construction company from West Virginia wanted to hire three of us for a two-month job building a concrete mausoleum. I and two others, Bart and Arnie, had worked for them already, and they requested us specifically. The long-term contract meant an extra ten bucks a day. I don't remember Bart and Arnie's real names, but they were an unforgettable pair, a Mutt and Jeff who had lived through life's wringer. They were in their fifties or sixties (it can be hard to gauge an alcoholic's age), and had figured out how to make life work for them. They would pool their money, rent a $35 motel room each night, and spend the other $45 on drink. They sometimes saved enough to get a room for the weekend, but more often they ended up on the street. I never saw them drink on the job though, or be unable to work.
They laughed a lot, and accepted me quickly. Their humor had a gallows edge to it, which i loved. Arnie had had a very well-paying corporate job for much of his life, and a family. He now saw his grown children once a year or less.
The WV crew was a fun bunch. There were about six of them. The foreman was Bubba, a big, round man whose accent was so thick that i could only make out about half of what he was saying. He didn't laugh a lot, but he ran a good crew, and gave us all baseball hats when the job came to an end. His smiley-faced, right-hand man was Felton, who was also rotund, and got along with everyone. The youngest was Reggie. He was bright and a little more sensitive and savvy than the others. The crew found out i was an actor, and got amusement out of that, but Reggie was the only one who asked for details. He also told me about his girlfriend and life in WV.
Their crew traveled together for half the year, then returned home for the winter. We worked with them for six weeks. The mausoleum was honeycomb-styled, with alcoves just big enough for a coffin. It was eight stories high, but only 25'. On the ground, it was 20'x40'. The work was fun. The cement truck would show up, and we would have the molds and rebar skeleton in place. We used huge rubber rakes to push and smooth. My favorite part of the job was retrieving the panels after an alcove had dried. We had to crawl inside, and bang the steel panels loose with a ten-pound hammer. It was dusty and ear-ringingly loud, so we wore goggles and masks and headphones. There was a slightly surreal quality to it, as we lay on our backs banging away. The light and fresh air by your feet seemed further away than it really was. The thought that there would only ever be one other human in that alcove...or rather, one ex-human...it was a pretty unavoidable invitation to think about death. I also loved climbing up the open face of the building, without a ladder.
I had my own hard hat, from my theater costume supply. On my last day, everyone signed it. With heartfelt cameraderie, we all said our goodbyes. I drove Bart and Arnie back to Labor Ready, to pick up our final checks. I had decided that that would be my last day with Labor Ready (though they did reel me back for one more three-day construction cleanup job, down in Naples). There were theater jobs coming, and i knew that anything after the mausoleum would be anti-climactic. I had saved enough money that Shane and Angelina and i were now in a place of our own, back on Ft. Myers Beach.
I drove my compatriots to their motel, grasped their hands one last time, and watched them shuffle off into the sunset.