condomnation!

People of planet Earth - throw off your chains! Take to the streets! No, wait...sheets! Take to the sheets, look your lover in the eye, reach down...
AND RIP OFF THAT CONDOM!
Stop being a piece of flotsam, floating along on the tide of history! Hump the way millions of years of evolution molded you to! Be the beautiful naked ape you were born to be! RECLAIM YOUR HUMANITY!!!!!!
Okay, let me pause.
Go back a few paragraphs. You should never, ever, EVER rip off a condom. No yanking either. I tried to yank a condom off once. It took my tingly bits a week to recover.
And since i've paused...
Have i actually assayed an anti-condom essay? This promises to be entertaining, if for no other reason than the human fascination with train wrecks. If you press me, i might have to claim that nefarious guamanians (is there any other kind?) hacked my computer to write this. Yes, i may have to really dig deep this time. Whipping it out of my ass may not suffice, i may even have to do, what's that word, it's on the tip of my tongue...
Research.
Is it too late to turn around?
I suppose not. Here we go.
It is an exaggeration to say that the history of my sex life is little more than the pursuit of a situation in which i don't have to wear a condom.
It's an exaggeration.
It is not, however, a gross exaggeration.
Future generations of humanity will be infinitely more sympathetic to that. Future generations will have a profoundly greater scientific understanding of human sexuality. Future generations will understand the psychology of sex immeasurably more...and they will look back on these times as the pinnacle of human barbarism. Future generations will live in a world of contraception and disease control so advanced, that the idea of putting a barrier between humans engaged in the single most intimate loving act, will strike them as so irreconcilably preposterous, that some might even refuse to believe we lived like this. They'll joke about condoms the way we joke about doctors bleeding a patient.
And we, the sad barbarians grunting through life with but a glimmer of such wonders and knowledge, can only shake our heads and sigh.
In all fairness, my experiences with condoms haven't been some ungainly misery. Sex with a condom can be pleasant. Even exciting and fun under the right conditions. Who am I to protest? I mean, how much easier is my life than King Minos of Crete? Apparently he ejaculated snakes and scorpions, and used a goat bladder covering to protect his lovers. How very thoughtful...
To everyone except the goat, i suppose. But if old Minos could be so considerate and conscientious, what's my maladjustment?
Yet...
If you polled people about the greatest sex they ever had, what percentage of the responses would describe an experience with a condom?
My first intercourse was condomless. My partner didn't bring up the subject of protection, and i was too awash in wide-eyed gratitude to think of it myself.
My second partner was my first condom (and second and third and maybe a dozen more). It was nice. Very enjoyable. For all i know she may have had a good condom reason aside from contraception. But my first anti-condom stirrings were born in those days...perhaps subconsciously, but i don't think it's entirely coincidental that i didn't object strenuously when we split.
When my third lover arrived, it was like i had magical powers - i had wished into being a virgin who couldn't conceive! Based on our personality compatibility, we probably should have lasted a week. But for months and months and months, i was happy as could be.
When the best lover of my life arrived, she said she was on the pill, and left the condom decision up to me. Are you kidding? And would i be so clearly looking back on her as the best lover of my life, had we gone the condom route?
In the years since...
More times than i can remember, i have passed on sex or a relationship if i knew condoms would be needed. In fact, in the more than two decades since my second lover, i've used a condom only one other time.
Wait...can that possibly be right?
Fortunately i've only been promiscuous by amish standards, so it's only mildly surprising that (as far as i know) i've made it this far in life without an incurable disease or baby.
When i think about the lover with whom i had the best sex of my life (a slightly different reality than "best lover"), we had marathon sex for months and months with NO protection whatsoever (except for my not ejaculating). Our non-condom use was an allowance she'd never made with any other man, and there was no rational reason why she chose to not do so with me. We just both decided on our own that condoms didn't pertain to us, and proceeded to have the aforementioned best sex of our lives.
Has my life's condom attitude basically been "What's the point in having sex if there's no chance it's going to be the best of your life?" Pretty much, i suppose. Not that i wouldn't have made allowances for certain women, but...
Anyway, i won't go in to my personal reasons for disliking condoms. Tain't nothing you haven't heard before. The question is, is there a scientific basis for this widespread (sorry) aversion?
You bet your latex long johns there is. To be sure, it's pretty thin at this early point in humanity's self-awareness...but it's also hard to ignore.
The only bona fide possible negative physical side effect of condom use i could find (with the exception of latex allergies) is a connection between talc and ovarian cancer. But the studies are inconclusive thus far, and the most damning point to a mere .4% increase in a woman's likelihood to develop such cancer.
The evidence of negative psychological ramifications is piling up, however. In one study, over a thousand women reported on their satisfaction levels with varying methods of birth control. The most satisfying? Sterilization, at 92%. After that, it was pill, IUD, then rhythm, in descending order. Limping into last place, with 30% satisfaction? Condoms.
In another study comparing three groups of women (condom users, non-condom users, and abstinent), latexed ladies were the most prone to clinical depression. Least prone? Barebackers, bless 'em. Think about that...given a choice between condoms and no sex, women would be subconsciously happier with no sex at all. Yikes.
And the men? Studies show that one third of men report occasional erectile problems related to condom use.
Further anti-condom evidence remains rather speculative, however. There's just so much we DON'T understand about the human body yet. But clearly, we have no comprehensive understanding of what makes for healthy human sexuality. It was only a few decades ago that legitimate scientists were still claiming that humans were naturally monogamous. And the psychiatric establishment still hasn't caught up with hard science, in that regard. Like i said, we're still in the dark ages. So we're stuck with scattered pieces of an incomplete puzzle. One such piece? We know that women who have non-condom sex regularly, become addicted to the semen they absorb into their bodies. It affects the same feel-good centers of their brain as recreational drugs, and when any such woman stops having sex, her body goes through an identical (if perhaps milder) version of chemical withdrawal.
My point is that if we still know so little about our own sexuality, who's to say what kind of damage, physical or psychological, we may be doing to ourselves by having unnatural sex?
On the other side? There are plenty of men reporting that condoms help them "stay in the game" longer. That can't be a bad thing, i suppose. Some condom advocates (well, condom sellers, really) claim that there is a bias against condoms, and they've even commissioned studies which support the notion that condom sex is actually just as pleasurable as bare. Hm. Could they be on to something? Could there be an anti-prophylactic cultural bias so pervasive that people have been brainwashed into thinking condoms are less pleasurable, when they're NOT? Because i didn't know how else to answer that (and because it sounded like fun), i took to the streets for some field research! No no, not sex with a thousand women, half with and half without condoms (though i like the way you think...). No, i asked people one survey question - "Did the best sex of your life involve a condom?".
Let me just say...if we've been brainwashed into an anti-condom bias, WOW have we been brainwashed. I don't know how many hours i would have had to put in to get just one "yes" answer, but there's a fair chance i'd be out there still. One gentleman was so animated in his response, modesty prevents me quoting him in full.
Okay, okay...non-rigorous studies aside, i'm dancing around the obvious point that all this has been leading up to. Am i actually standing up and counseling people to NOT wear a condom? I won't even invoke the available avalanche of STI statistics which support condom use...let's just agree that anyone intimate with the full range of these statistics would probably hump with a regular condom AND a female condom. Surely no responsible human would broadcast a non-condom message to humanity?
Oh, what the hell, i've come this far. Here's my thought - if we get EVERYONE to stop wearing condoms, STIs will run so rampant that everybody in the world will become some pus-dripping, chancrous, shaking, drooling half-human. It will be so repellant that the World Health Organization will reveal that they've actually had cures for all known STIs for decades...which had been suppressed, because american doctors stood to make far less profit healing humanity, than "treating" us ad infinitum! And if we can perhaps fuck the human population into doubling within this decade, we might also force the World Psychiatric Association into admitting that they've had a 100% effective method of meditational contraception since 1971!
There. There's my argument. Who's ready to fuck? By my computation, there have to be at least 100,000 more female virgins who can't conceive out there.
I'll leave this diatribe on a comical note (if there's anything we sexually-beleaguered humans need, it's something, anything, to laugh about). The next time you need a parting gift for a romance gone sour, or that perfect gag gift for any occasion, i recommend a little product called...the anti-rape condom. Worn by a woman inside her vagina, it has plastic barbs on the inner lining. Am i making this up?
You tell me.