I awoke the other night at 2:20 AM. Our house alarm battery is dead, but the inactive system starts beeping every few hours. My housemate is away in China. We generally don't use the alarm, but he's said recently that he wants to start turning it on when we're both away. I trundled upstairs to disarm it...and noticed that someone had lifted the screen on one of the front windows. They had obviously wanted to get in, but it seemed they hadn't. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. A stranger informed me that he had seen someone climb over our fence. I thanked him, and he left. I was a little suspicious, as there would be no need to climb our fence...both the alley and backyard gates have no lock. I gave the first floor a once-over, turned on lights in the frontmost and backmost rooms, and went downstairs. Deciding to stay up for a while, i turned on the TV. After a few minutes, i saw the backyard motion sensor light go on. It was a neighborhood cat. I realized that the back gate was open, something i hadn't checked. I closed the gate, noting that nothing had been disturbed. A few minutes later, i went back to the house's front room...and realized another break-in attempt had been made. This time the inner window had been pushed up six inches, until the pop-out anti-burglar tabs prevented further opening (i had thought it curious that the window had been unopened earlier...both regular latches have been broken for quite some time). I closed the window, and went outside. Nothing. How bizarre...that the perp would attempt another break-in knowing someone was home in a well-lit house.
I decided to maintain my vigil downstairs where i could see the backyard light come on, checking upstairs regularly. I got a stick, which i carried with me the rest of the night. The pacifist in me wasn't entirely happy with this...but i'm also an agnostic pragmatist, accepting of the overwhelming evidence that biological life dies, so i am DEARLY dedicated to avoiding that for as long as i can. I decided i wouldn't waste any Gandhi speeches on a would-be burglar who might be a strung-out junkie. I could live with that.
I started watching ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO, a film whose creators had done good work in the past. I'd never seen it, and wanted to like it. I quickly realized that wasn't going to happen. A little too saccharine, and maudlin with the whole mongamy issue.
When i went back upstairs, another break-in attempt had been made. This time a different screen had been raised, to a window which had fully-functioning latches. I realized the action was upstairs. I dressed fully, something i'd not done before, and sat in the front room with the lights on. After about ten minutes, i saw someone emerge from a parking lot across the street. He seemed fully intent on our house, walking straight at it. I think he then saw me, and took a sharp turn up the street.
He was young and slender, of average height or taller. He had short, dark hair and a big orange shirt. Perhaps Hispanic or Mediterranean. Was it the same fellow who had come to the door earlier? I can't say for sure. Even though our street is well-lit, i didn't have my glasses on, and he was at least forty feet away. You'd think i would recall whether a fellow at the door had a big orange shirt...
After a while, i returned to my vigil downstairs. I started watching a terrible porn-lite film...the kind on a channel dedicated to such fare, where you're not positive whether the sex is real or not, and the actors are bad but good enough that you wish they'd just go ahead and be comically awful, to make the film more watchable. Lots of makeup and fake boobs. But on a 4AM burglar vigil, watching naked people having sex is better (just barely) than a re-run of FRAZIER.
Dawn came sooner than expected. Confident my vigil was done, i masturbated and went to sleep.
It didn't occur to me to call the police. Perhaps we're a bit jaded in the city, but i didn't think a failed break-in merited any extravagent response. The next day, a neighbor told me she had seen an orange-shirted fellow trying to get into several houses. Having confirmation of his description, i did call the police. Little could be done, and i declined to file any report. The following night, i slept on the couch upstairs, stick nearby.
Anyone have an extra DJW612 battery, so i can get a full night's rest?
I love you all.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
sisteripples
Do we attract specific realities with the power of our thoughts?
Does life send us messages?
Such musings are generally a haven for the feeble-minded. But there are moments...
Within one week of writing an article about all the brown-pigmented women who have ever been connected with me romantically or sexually (http://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2011/05/sisters-sisters.html), i had a perfect storm of black women swirl into my life on the very same day. I have one close black female friend, whom i talk with perhaps once a month. In other words, days, weeks, and sometimes months go by when i have no intimate contact with a black woman at all.
And again, pardon my temporary diversion into pigment-awareness. I normally could write ten pages about a friend and leave you no clue as to their skin (or even gender). This skin is not who we are.
But black woman coincidence had a field day in my life, the very same week i spent hours writing about black women.
I had a rainy day morning moving job in Brooklyn. My partners were late, so for the better part of an hour i worked alone with the client. She was so adorable it almost hurt. Bright-eyed intelligence with a smile so warm and genuine. She had natural hair about two inches long...a quality that all by itself will have me following any such black woman around like a puppy. An instant comfort level in our connection made for more open talk than normal in a professional setting. Did she know that i found her adorable? Yup. Would we have flirted, had she not been newly-married? Throughout the move, whenever our team broke up, she and i were together.
After eight hours of sharing her energy, i went home and awaited my "date". I met that evening with a friend of a friend of a friend, an introductory meeting that had been set up with procreation in mind. This woman wanted very much to have a baby. She needed a father, not a daddy. She had tried IVF unsuccessfully, and was coming around to the idea that we "play god" with our bodies at our (and our offspring's) peril...an idea i happily reinforced, sharing with her all i had learned about the newest science of sexuality. She wanted natural conception, and was open to having me be as little or as much a part of this child's life as i might want. As i get closer to embracing the notion that raising children may not be a part of my life, opportunities such as this have been on my mind.
We talked for four hours. It was comfortable and easygoing, for the most part. She said so many of the right things. She's an educator from central Jersey, and fairly progressive. She's a member of a close group of friends who consider themselves family, a kind of organic family that is central to this country's future as the monogamous family unit fades away. I knew this child would have a nice support system.
The only hard part of our evening was at the end. She wanted to know whether i'd do it. She wanted to know right then. I hate rushing decisions, i wanted to spend more time with her. Perhaps the biggest thing holding me back was that there was no rush of hormonal attraction. I'm leery of anything that doesn't feel natural. She said our lack of animal attraction might be a plus for this situation. In another coincidence, i had just the previous day written an article about America, attraction, and fat...and she was indeed overweight. There were one or two other tiny elements. She did wear makeup, and her breath hit me wrong once or twice. I promised she'd have an answer within the week. The next day i wrote her saying that if she needed a definite answer, to assume that it wouldn't happen, but i left the door wide open for her to visit with me again. I sensed she would move on, which has proven to be so. In the days and nights since, i've wrestled with the spirituality of my choice. My impulse toward selflessness, my (admittedly immature) desire to spread my genes, my desire to act "naturally", my urge toward radical sharing, my testosterone screaming in my undersexed head as always...i'd be lying if i said that i haven't thought about writing her, and telling her to come to me.
Maybe the thing that held me back even more than simple attraction, was the thought that i might feel a post-coital loneliness more pronounced than non-coital loneliness.
I truly don't know.
And the third coincidental occurrence that landed on my head? Remember that friend who calls once every month or two? Guess who called, literally within one hundred seconds of my date's arrival?
Most of us are so overwhelmed by life's meaninglessness, we ascribe meaning where it never belongs. In the days that followed, i wondered...was my client's presence that day a reminder of what it should feel like when you make love? Was Penny's call a shout from the universe that she is supposed to be my first black lover...that i need to balance that account before i can engage in other transactions? Did i somehow summon her and my client that day? Plus another black woman i had powerful flirtations with on the subway a few days after?
Probably not, at least not in any mystical sense.
But just in case...beautifulprogressivesillyathleticasianwoman, beautifulprogressivesillyathleticnakedasianwoman, beautifulprogressivesillyathleticnakedasiantwins...
You'd better go. I might be at this a while.
Does life send us messages?
Such musings are generally a haven for the feeble-minded. But there are moments...
Within one week of writing an article about all the brown-pigmented women who have ever been connected with me romantically or sexually (http://nakedmeadow.blogspot.com/2011/05/sisters-sisters.html), i had a perfect storm of black women swirl into my life on the very same day. I have one close black female friend, whom i talk with perhaps once a month. In other words, days, weeks, and sometimes months go by when i have no intimate contact with a black woman at all.
And again, pardon my temporary diversion into pigment-awareness. I normally could write ten pages about a friend and leave you no clue as to their skin (or even gender). This skin is not who we are.
But black woman coincidence had a field day in my life, the very same week i spent hours writing about black women.
I had a rainy day morning moving job in Brooklyn. My partners were late, so for the better part of an hour i worked alone with the client. She was so adorable it almost hurt. Bright-eyed intelligence with a smile so warm and genuine. She had natural hair about two inches long...a quality that all by itself will have me following any such black woman around like a puppy. An instant comfort level in our connection made for more open talk than normal in a professional setting. Did she know that i found her adorable? Yup. Would we have flirted, had she not been newly-married? Throughout the move, whenever our team broke up, she and i were together.
After eight hours of sharing her energy, i went home and awaited my "date". I met that evening with a friend of a friend of a friend, an introductory meeting that had been set up with procreation in mind. This woman wanted very much to have a baby. She needed a father, not a daddy. She had tried IVF unsuccessfully, and was coming around to the idea that we "play god" with our bodies at our (and our offspring's) peril...an idea i happily reinforced, sharing with her all i had learned about the newest science of sexuality. She wanted natural conception, and was open to having me be as little or as much a part of this child's life as i might want. As i get closer to embracing the notion that raising children may not be a part of my life, opportunities such as this have been on my mind.
We talked for four hours. It was comfortable and easygoing, for the most part. She said so many of the right things. She's an educator from central Jersey, and fairly progressive. She's a member of a close group of friends who consider themselves family, a kind of organic family that is central to this country's future as the monogamous family unit fades away. I knew this child would have a nice support system.
The only hard part of our evening was at the end. She wanted to know whether i'd do it. She wanted to know right then. I hate rushing decisions, i wanted to spend more time with her. Perhaps the biggest thing holding me back was that there was no rush of hormonal attraction. I'm leery of anything that doesn't feel natural. She said our lack of animal attraction might be a plus for this situation. In another coincidence, i had just the previous day written an article about America, attraction, and fat...and she was indeed overweight. There were one or two other tiny elements. She did wear makeup, and her breath hit me wrong once or twice. I promised she'd have an answer within the week. The next day i wrote her saying that if she needed a definite answer, to assume that it wouldn't happen, but i left the door wide open for her to visit with me again. I sensed she would move on, which has proven to be so. In the days and nights since, i've wrestled with the spirituality of my choice. My impulse toward selflessness, my (admittedly immature) desire to spread my genes, my desire to act "naturally", my urge toward radical sharing, my testosterone screaming in my undersexed head as always...i'd be lying if i said that i haven't thought about writing her, and telling her to come to me.
Maybe the thing that held me back even more than simple attraction, was the thought that i might feel a post-coital loneliness more pronounced than non-coital loneliness.
I truly don't know.
And the third coincidental occurrence that landed on my head? Remember that friend who calls once every month or two? Guess who called, literally within one hundred seconds of my date's arrival?
Most of us are so overwhelmed by life's meaninglessness, we ascribe meaning where it never belongs. In the days that followed, i wondered...was my client's presence that day a reminder of what it should feel like when you make love? Was Penny's call a shout from the universe that she is supposed to be my first black lover...that i need to balance that account before i can engage in other transactions? Did i somehow summon her and my client that day? Plus another black woman i had powerful flirtations with on the subway a few days after?
Probably not, at least not in any mystical sense.
But just in case...beautifulprogressivesillyathleticasianwoman, beautifulprogressivesillyathleticnakedasianwoman, beautifulprogressivesillyathleticnakedasiantwins...
You'd better go. I might be at this a while.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
ninja 2
I humped a little ninja today
Oh, he didn't enjoy it much
And frankly, neither did i
It was one of those days
Oh, he didn't enjoy it much
And frankly, neither did i
It was one of those days
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Enterprise, season 2
AVERAGE EPISODE RATING: 2.9
-Shockwave, pt. 2 ***
Facing a shelving of their mission, archer sulks. But the accident was a suliban plot, as he's whisked into the future by daniels. Rich with TREK mythology-building...doing so without sacrificing freshness requires deftness. Deftly done.
-Carbon Creek ***
T'mir behind sheet...must...hump! T'pol tells a story of her grandmother and the actual vulcan/human first contact, over a century before FIRST CONTACT. J. paul boehmer (SKYLINE, EVERYONE'S DEPRESSED) touchingly falls for an earthling. Charming.
-Minefield ***
Enterprise flies into a cloaked minefield, and loses a piece of the saucer. A second mine attaches but doesn't detonate. When reed goes EVA to defuse it, his leg is impaled. Lovely character work, and nasty romulan ominousness.
-Dead Stop ***
Crippled by the mine's damage, Enterprise sends out a distress signal. Tellarites direct them to a repair station that seems too good to be true.
-A Night in Sickbay ***
The captain's dog contracts a pathogen and archer maintains a sickbay vigil, where he's witness to phlox's curious routines.
-Marauders ***
Enterprise visits a colony that should be able to trade them warp plasma, but something is amiss. Archer convinces them to fight back against predatory klingons.
-The Seventh **
Archer helps t'pol apprehend a fugitive who escaped her years ago. Despite a game turn by guest bruce davison (SHORT CUTS, X-MEN), things don't click.
-The Communicator **
While covertly observing a warring pre-warp culture, reed loses his communicator. Attempting to retrieve it, he and archer are captured and tortured. Travis and trip try to figure out how to use a captured cloak-ready suliban cell ship.
-Singularity **
Radiation from a black hole causes the crew to manifest obsessive behavior. T'pol is the only one unaffected, and when everyone else finally passes out, she must save the ship.
-Vanishing Point ***
An emergency forces the reluctant, paranoid hoshi to use the transporter. Her reality begins warping; phlox thinks it's psychological. She sees aliens planting a bomb.
-Precious Cargo ***
A charming slice of cathode ray diversion. Trip is caught in a lifepod with an alien monarch (padma lakshmi - GLITTER, GIRL MOST LIKELY) pursued by her enemies. They land on a marshy planet, and contentiousness gives way to canoodling.
-The Catwalk ***
A zippy ripper. The crew must take refuge from an irradiated shock wave, inside a warp nacelle. While riding the wave, they are boarded by aliens who try to commandeer the ship.
-Dawn ***
Trip's shuttle is shot down. He and his alien nemesis (gregg henry - INSURRECTION, HUNG) are stranded on an inhospitable moon, and must work together to survive. One of the better incarnations of an oft-recycled sci fi plot.
-Stigma ***
The A plot, an HIV allegory, never pops. The B plot, about one of phlox's wives (melinda page hamilton - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, DEVIOUS MAIDS) making a pass at trip, is an all-too-rare TREK de-pantsing of monogamy. Wonderful.
-Cease Fire ***
Archer negotiates a cease fire between vulcans and andorians, plus...suzie plakson (THE NEXT GENERATION, MY STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN)!
-Future Tense ***
A ripper. Enterprise discovers a small craft adrift with no perceptible engines and a corpse which has human, vulcan, and other genomes. The craft matches the specs for one of daniels' 31st century ships, and has inner passages larger than the ship itself. Suddenly, suliban are in pursuit. Then tholians. Then suliban and tholians, attacking each other.
-Canamar ***
Accused of smuggling, trip and archer find themselves embroiled in a prison ship mutiny.
-The Crossing ***
A massive vessel swallows Enterprise. A being inhabits trip. Claiming to be explorers, the aliens offer non-corporeal experience to the entire crew.
-Judgment ***
Archer stands trial in the heart of the klingon Empire, for aiding subject refugees who had been abandoned. His advocate (the wonderful j.g. hertzler - DEEP SPACE NINE, SIX FEET UNDER) longs for the time when truth and honor stood proud.
-Horizon ***
Travis takes leave aboard the cargo ship where he grew up. His father has died, and his brother resents him. Tantalizing chemistry sparkles with an old shipmate played by nicole forester (BOSS, BEVERLY HILLS, 90120). Oh, that the series was cut short before her return appearance...
-The Breach ***
Enterprise must evacuate three cave-researching denobulan scientists who don't want to go. A patient refuses life-saving treatment from phlox, for political reasons.
-Cogenitor ***
The delightful andreas katsulas (THE NEXT GENERATION, MAX HEADROOM) is captain of an advanced alien ship. He and archer go exploring. Malcolm gets euphemismed! Trip befriends a gender-neutral member of this tri-gendered race, whom he teaches to read and aspire for more. Trip's friend asks for asylum, is refused, and commits suicide. Powerful.
-Regeneration ***
The remains of the borg sphere destroyed in FIRST CONTACT are discovered at the arctic circle. Several drones are thawed. They assimilate the scientists and take their transport. Enterprise pursues. Phlox is infected. Gripping.
-First Flight ***
Keith carradine (DEADWOOD, COWBOYS AND ALIENS) gives a bravura performance as a.g. robinson, who was the second choice for command of Enterprise. His death in a hiking accident prompts archer to tell t'pol tales of the warp trial program. Fantastic....for a moment or two you forget that it's TREK, which is not something the franchise did often.
-Bounty ***
Jordan lund (FLETCH LIVES, SPECIES) gives a flawless performance as a tellarite bounty hunter who abducts archer. One star lost for a tepid, inaccurate portrayal of klingons - escape pods, and ducking behind cover? Look for robert o'reilly (THE NEXT GENERATION, DEEP SPACE NINE).
-The Expanse ***
An alien probe cuts a swath into Earth, killing millions (including trip's sister). Temporal agent daniels tells archer the xindi built the probe, and are planning to destroy Earth. Enterprise heads for their space, the Delphic Expanse, where the laws of physics change. T'pol is recalled by the High Command, and disobeys. Trip is pissy and vengeful. Another star lost for cautious klingons.
-Shockwave, pt. 2 ***
Facing a shelving of their mission, archer sulks. But the accident was a suliban plot, as he's whisked into the future by daniels. Rich with TREK mythology-building...doing so without sacrificing freshness requires deftness. Deftly done.
-Carbon Creek ***
T'mir behind sheet...must...hump! T'pol tells a story of her grandmother and the actual vulcan/human first contact, over a century before FIRST CONTACT. J. paul boehmer (SKYLINE, EVERYONE'S DEPRESSED) touchingly falls for an earthling. Charming.
-Minefield ***
Enterprise flies into a cloaked minefield, and loses a piece of the saucer. A second mine attaches but doesn't detonate. When reed goes EVA to defuse it, his leg is impaled. Lovely character work, and nasty romulan ominousness.
-Dead Stop ***
Crippled by the mine's damage, Enterprise sends out a distress signal. Tellarites direct them to a repair station that seems too good to be true.
-A Night in Sickbay ***
The captain's dog contracts a pathogen and archer maintains a sickbay vigil, where he's witness to phlox's curious routines.
-Marauders ***
Enterprise visits a colony that should be able to trade them warp plasma, but something is amiss. Archer convinces them to fight back against predatory klingons.
-The Seventh **
Archer helps t'pol apprehend a fugitive who escaped her years ago. Despite a game turn by guest bruce davison (SHORT CUTS, X-MEN), things don't click.
-The Communicator **
While covertly observing a warring pre-warp culture, reed loses his communicator. Attempting to retrieve it, he and archer are captured and tortured. Travis and trip try to figure out how to use a captured cloak-ready suliban cell ship.
-Singularity **
Radiation from a black hole causes the crew to manifest obsessive behavior. T'pol is the only one unaffected, and when everyone else finally passes out, she must save the ship.
-Vanishing Point ***
An emergency forces the reluctant, paranoid hoshi to use the transporter. Her reality begins warping; phlox thinks it's psychological. She sees aliens planting a bomb.
-Precious Cargo ***
A charming slice of cathode ray diversion. Trip is caught in a lifepod with an alien monarch (padma lakshmi - GLITTER, GIRL MOST LIKELY) pursued by her enemies. They land on a marshy planet, and contentiousness gives way to canoodling.
-The Catwalk ***
A zippy ripper. The crew must take refuge from an irradiated shock wave, inside a warp nacelle. While riding the wave, they are boarded by aliens who try to commandeer the ship.
-Dawn ***
Trip's shuttle is shot down. He and his alien nemesis (gregg henry - INSURRECTION, HUNG) are stranded on an inhospitable moon, and must work together to survive. One of the better incarnations of an oft-recycled sci fi plot.
-Stigma ***
The A plot, an HIV allegory, never pops. The B plot, about one of phlox's wives (melinda page hamilton - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, DEVIOUS MAIDS) making a pass at trip, is an all-too-rare TREK de-pantsing of monogamy. Wonderful.
-Cease Fire ***
Archer negotiates a cease fire between vulcans and andorians, plus...suzie plakson (THE NEXT GENERATION, MY STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN)!
-Future Tense ***
A ripper. Enterprise discovers a small craft adrift with no perceptible engines and a corpse which has human, vulcan, and other genomes. The craft matches the specs for one of daniels' 31st century ships, and has inner passages larger than the ship itself. Suddenly, suliban are in pursuit. Then tholians. Then suliban and tholians, attacking each other.
-Canamar ***
Accused of smuggling, trip and archer find themselves embroiled in a prison ship mutiny.
-The Crossing ***
A massive vessel swallows Enterprise. A being inhabits trip. Claiming to be explorers, the aliens offer non-corporeal experience to the entire crew.
-Judgment ***
Archer stands trial in the heart of the klingon Empire, for aiding subject refugees who had been abandoned. His advocate (the wonderful j.g. hertzler - DEEP SPACE NINE, SIX FEET UNDER) longs for the time when truth and honor stood proud.
-Horizon ***
Travis takes leave aboard the cargo ship where he grew up. His father has died, and his brother resents him. Tantalizing chemistry sparkles with an old shipmate played by nicole forester (BOSS, BEVERLY HILLS, 90120). Oh, that the series was cut short before her return appearance...
-The Breach ***
Enterprise must evacuate three cave-researching denobulan scientists who don't want to go. A patient refuses life-saving treatment from phlox, for political reasons.
-Cogenitor ***
The delightful andreas katsulas (THE NEXT GENERATION, MAX HEADROOM) is captain of an advanced alien ship. He and archer go exploring. Malcolm gets euphemismed! Trip befriends a gender-neutral member of this tri-gendered race, whom he teaches to read and aspire for more. Trip's friend asks for asylum, is refused, and commits suicide. Powerful.
-Regeneration ***
The remains of the borg sphere destroyed in FIRST CONTACT are discovered at the arctic circle. Several drones are thawed. They assimilate the scientists and take their transport. Enterprise pursues. Phlox is infected. Gripping.
-First Flight ***
Keith carradine (DEADWOOD, COWBOYS AND ALIENS) gives a bravura performance as a.g. robinson, who was the second choice for command of Enterprise. His death in a hiking accident prompts archer to tell t'pol tales of the warp trial program. Fantastic....for a moment or two you forget that it's TREK, which is not something the franchise did often.
-Bounty ***
Jordan lund (FLETCH LIVES, SPECIES) gives a flawless performance as a tellarite bounty hunter who abducts archer. One star lost for a tepid, inaccurate portrayal of klingons - escape pods, and ducking behind cover? Look for robert o'reilly (THE NEXT GENERATION, DEEP SPACE NINE).
-The Expanse ***
An alien probe cuts a swath into Earth, killing millions (including trip's sister). Temporal agent daniels tells archer the xindi built the probe, and are planning to destroy Earth. Enterprise heads for their space, the Delphic Expanse, where the laws of physics change. T'pol is recalled by the High Command, and disobeys. Trip is pissy and vengeful. Another star lost for cautious klingons.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
lonely
He loved her true
She wanted forever
So she said goodbye
And he's so lonely
She sought his seed
Didn't want a daddy
He tried to say yes
And he's so lonely
He's unafraid
To be misunderstood
He sees past lies
And he's so lonely
His life so sad
Unnatural world
An empty line
And he's so lonely
She wanted forever
So she said goodbye
And he's so lonely
She sought his seed
Didn't want a daddy
He tried to say yes
And he's so lonely
He's unafraid
To be misunderstood
He sees past lies
And he's so lonely
His life so sad
Unnatural world
An empty line
And he's so lonely
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
thmipples
There's not a straight man in the world who doesn't know about them. Today, we give them a name.
Thmipples.
The peak of evolutionary development in secondary sex characteristics of female homo sapiens.
Thmipples.
Look at the men. They're already twittery. Some of them have sensed where i'm going, as endorphins start to sprinkle their prefrontal cortexes.
Thmipples.
In the millenia before magazine and motion picture, they were probably spoken of in whispers. Most cavemen likely dismissed them as cavern myths. Yet even scoffers would feel their heart make funny motions as they stared at thmipple renderings on cave walls.
Thmipples = nipples + the body part they most resemble: the distal phalanx of a thumb, the fleshy fore-joint. Thumby nipples. Tantalizing. Jaw-slackening. Hypnotic. They don't get more press for two reasons. Firstly, their exceeding scarcity - most men go to the grave never having touched one. Secondly, a superstitious element that often attaches to pseudo-mystical phenomena: reptilian-brained males fear that talking about thmipples might make them disappear like a dream. Nipples so perfect and incomprehensibly large, that one can only liken them to erasers on a three-foot pencil (not to be confused with incomprehensibly large aureolas, which are frankly frightening to all but lumberjacks). Can nipples be too large? Only once have i ever seen such (and i'm hoping those were a photoshopping lark).
Thinkest thou i exaggerate their effect? 'Tis not so. Seeing a picture of thmipples, a male immediately feels his heartrate alter and breathing deepen. A haze descends over his brain, a feeling of light-headed inebriation.
Is this fair to the more than 99% of women in the world who do not have thmipples? It is not. Men are sorry for this, but it is beyond their control. A man who is given the opportunity to touch a real, live thmipple will do so with a gentleness, a reverence, a single-minded focus that exceeds anything he will ever know. Holding a newborn babe, is as nothing. Even a religious man kneeling before his deity knows that only through thmipples will he experience his truest, fullest humility. Given the opportunity to nuzzle and suckle one, a man will lose himself entirely. He will kiss this particular woman with more unending devotion and lavish care than any non-thmippled woman can ever hope for.
It's shitty, but what can he do? Fortunately, nature balances these things out...most men never imagine they'll actually see a real, live thmipple.
The supreme thmipples of all time belonged, of course, to Farrah.
One of the astounding qualities of a thmipple is that a woman need not even be naked to render a man her vassal. We never saw naked Farrah-thmipples until long after they'd conquered the world in a red bathing suit. But week after week on CHARLIE'S ANGELS, we knew we were in the presence of something we might never see again. When we finally did see them (good golly, is there a more aptly named film than EXTREMITIES?), the lumps in our throats and the stars in our eyes told us that this is why we were born.
Thmipples seem to exist in all corners of the world. A woman with thmipples knows the temptations to corruption that history's greatest emperor's have known. She knows she may be lax regarding her moral character (Do we care about Bai Ling's shoplifting and disturbing the peace...we do not!). She knows (a la Leilanie Giordmaina) she need not be blessed with a face that could launch a thousand ships.
Like most, i've never touched a thmipple. The closest i came was a redhead named Robyn, who had junior thmipples (a la Naomi Watts). Even junior thmipples render a man incapable of coherent thought. I was so astounded at what i was so gently touching...their breathtaking responsiveness when aroused...their texture and density...i still, however, refused to believe in god. Because i knew that thmippled beings doubtless order gods to do their bidding.
Thmipples.
Why Mona Lisa smiled.
Thmipples.
The peak of evolutionary development in secondary sex characteristics of female homo sapiens.
Thmipples.
Look at the men. They're already twittery. Some of them have sensed where i'm going, as endorphins start to sprinkle their prefrontal cortexes.
Thmipples.
In the millenia before magazine and motion picture, they were probably spoken of in whispers. Most cavemen likely dismissed them as cavern myths. Yet even scoffers would feel their heart make funny motions as they stared at thmipple renderings on cave walls.
Thmipples = nipples + the body part they most resemble: the distal phalanx of a thumb, the fleshy fore-joint. Thumby nipples. Tantalizing. Jaw-slackening. Hypnotic. They don't get more press for two reasons. Firstly, their exceeding scarcity - most men go to the grave never having touched one. Secondly, a superstitious element that often attaches to pseudo-mystical phenomena: reptilian-brained males fear that talking about thmipples might make them disappear like a dream. Nipples so perfect and incomprehensibly large, that one can only liken them to erasers on a three-foot pencil (not to be confused with incomprehensibly large aureolas, which are frankly frightening to all but lumberjacks). Can nipples be too large? Only once have i ever seen such (and i'm hoping those were a photoshopping lark).
Thinkest thou i exaggerate their effect? 'Tis not so. Seeing a picture of thmipples, a male immediately feels his heartrate alter and breathing deepen. A haze descends over his brain, a feeling of light-headed inebriation.
Is this fair to the more than 99% of women in the world who do not have thmipples? It is not. Men are sorry for this, but it is beyond their control. A man who is given the opportunity to touch a real, live thmipple will do so with a gentleness, a reverence, a single-minded focus that exceeds anything he will ever know. Holding a newborn babe, is as nothing. Even a religious man kneeling before his deity knows that only through thmipples will he experience his truest, fullest humility. Given the opportunity to nuzzle and suckle one, a man will lose himself entirely. He will kiss this particular woman with more unending devotion and lavish care than any non-thmippled woman can ever hope for.
It's shitty, but what can he do? Fortunately, nature balances these things out...most men never imagine they'll actually see a real, live thmipple.
The supreme thmipples of all time belonged, of course, to Farrah.
One of the astounding qualities of a thmipple is that a woman need not even be naked to render a man her vassal. We never saw naked Farrah-thmipples until long after they'd conquered the world in a red bathing suit. But week after week on CHARLIE'S ANGELS, we knew we were in the presence of something we might never see again. When we finally did see them (good golly, is there a more aptly named film than EXTREMITIES?), the lumps in our throats and the stars in our eyes told us that this is why we were born.
Thmipples seem to exist in all corners of the world. A woman with thmipples knows the temptations to corruption that history's greatest emperor's have known. She knows she may be lax regarding her moral character (Do we care about Bai Ling's shoplifting and disturbing the peace...we do not!). She knows (a la Leilanie Giordmaina) she need not be blessed with a face that could launch a thousand ships.
Like most, i've never touched a thmipple. The closest i came was a redhead named Robyn, who had junior thmipples (a la Naomi Watts). Even junior thmipples render a man incapable of coherent thought. I was so astounded at what i was so gently touching...their breathtaking responsiveness when aroused...their texture and density...i still, however, refused to believe in god. Because i knew that thmippled beings doubtless order gods to do their bidding.
Thmipples.
Why Mona Lisa smiled.
36 greatest obscure songs
1) There'll Be Some Changes Made, Mark Knopfler & Chet Atkins
2) What the Hell Happened to Me?, Bruce Hornsby
3) Piece of Clay, Marvin Gaye
4) Innuendo, Queen
5) It's Just a Thought, Creedence Clearwater Revival
6) The Garden of Allah, Don Henley
7) Medical Love Song, Monty Python
8) Peace is Just a Word, Eurythmics
9) Murder by Numbers, The Police
10) This Is Where I Came In, The Bee Gees
11) So What the Fuss, Stevie Wonder
12) Six String Orchestra, Harry Chapin
13) The Cool, Cool River, Paul Simon
14) Start Me Up, The Folksmen
15) More Than One Way Home, Keb' Mo'
16) I am the Lion, Neil Diamond
17) Step Right Up, Tom Waits
18) Damn Right I've Got the Blues, Buddy Guy
19) Picasso's Last Words, Paul McCartney
20) Sleep Come Free Me, James Taylor
21) Mistress of Mine, Birtles Shorrock Goble
22) I've Got a Feeling, The Beatles
23) Railroad Worksong, Notting Hillbillies
24) While My Guitar Gently Weeps, Peter Frampton
25) Can You Feel It, The Jacksons
26) Boom Like That, Mark Knopfler
27) Come, Fleetwood Mac
28) Soft-Hearted Hana, George Harrison
29) Decades, Joe Walsh
30) Particle Man, They Might Be Giants
31) Cure for Love, Bonnie Raitt
32) I Lie Awake (and dream of you), Clover
33) None of the Above, Duran Duran
34) Fa Fa, Guster
35) The Longest Night, Men at Work
36) Burn You Up, Burn You Down, Peter Gabriel
2) What the Hell Happened to Me?, Bruce Hornsby
3) Piece of Clay, Marvin Gaye
4) Innuendo, Queen
5) It's Just a Thought, Creedence Clearwater Revival
6) The Garden of Allah, Don Henley
7) Medical Love Song, Monty Python
8) Peace is Just a Word, Eurythmics
9) Murder by Numbers, The Police
10) This Is Where I Came In, The Bee Gees
11) So What the Fuss, Stevie Wonder
12) Six String Orchestra, Harry Chapin
13) The Cool, Cool River, Paul Simon
14) Start Me Up, The Folksmen
15) More Than One Way Home, Keb' Mo'
16) I am the Lion, Neil Diamond
17) Step Right Up, Tom Waits
18) Damn Right I've Got the Blues, Buddy Guy
19) Picasso's Last Words, Paul McCartney
20) Sleep Come Free Me, James Taylor
21) Mistress of Mine, Birtles Shorrock Goble
22) I've Got a Feeling, The Beatles
23) Railroad Worksong, Notting Hillbillies
24) While My Guitar Gently Weeps, Peter Frampton
25) Can You Feel It, The Jacksons
26) Boom Like That, Mark Knopfler
27) Come, Fleetwood Mac
28) Soft-Hearted Hana, George Harrison
29) Decades, Joe Walsh
30) Particle Man, They Might Be Giants
31) Cure for Love, Bonnie Raitt
32) I Lie Awake (and dream of you), Clover
33) None of the Above, Duran Duran
34) Fa Fa, Guster
35) The Longest Night, Men at Work
36) Burn You Up, Burn You Down, Peter Gabriel
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