Psalms to Solomon

Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, The Song of Solomon
As regards a test of reasonableness, i have chosen to limit my responses to these chapters. Even though the Bible is, in its entirety, alleged to be the inspired word of God, the words in these chapters are basically men's words and praises; it's conceivable even that the Lord, for reasons of Its own, could allow certain of these explanations and praises to be less than divine truth. Perhaps i should hold fast to the same set of standards for each and every word in the Bible, but these allowances will mitigate the protests of those who might say "but that's men speaking, not God".
Psalms 40:6
Subject: commandments, divine. Problem: contradiction of other such commandments (cross-reference the books of Moses, Proverbs 9:2, or Isaiah 1:11-14).
Proverbs 3:5
Assuming the existence of a supreme, benevolent being, this verse could be reasonable. However, the second part of this verse seems a dangerous philosophy. Indeed, many tyrants throughout history have committed untold abuse, because people have been willing to offer the blind loyalty this verse commands. Even if such loyalty were given to a benevolent being, is it credible that a god would give Its creatures the ability to make moral judgments, but then command that they ignore this capacity? Such belief involves an enormous logical circle. If abandoning one's insight is the path the Lord wishes, mustn't one choose to follow such a path? But wouldn't one have to use their own insight to make such a choice? And wouldn't they then have to discard that decision, because it was based upon them, not the Lord? The Lord asks for that which cannot be given.
Proverbs 16:29
The Lord of the Bible has been a God of quick and severe violence. But now we have the testimony of this verse. Either account of holy truth, this one or the earlier, could be reasonable. But to have the Lord be an advocate of both violence and non-violence, is not reconcileable. The only thing we can say with any degree of assurance is that the Lord could be anything, except that which It is not (and we probably can't even say that).

that lion again!

ANDROCLES AND THE LION
THEATER 45
-fall 1998
Around this time, artistic director Bob Cacioppo had been voted out by the Pirate Playhouse board, and they replaced him with another Bob, who'd had a distinguished New York career. He was gentle and thoughtful, and we hit it off. He directed the first show, and cast me as Lentulus the mocking patrician, and the Retiarius, a crafty gladiator. The pay was $200 a week. I loved Shaw, and had played Androcles at Hedgerow. Bob assembled a wonderful cast of New Yorkers and locals. Playing the Emperor was Obie-award winner Robert Bonnard. His quirkiness and grace were a constant delight. His Emperor voice was imitated by most everyone ("man" was pronounced "me-an"). Local actor Steve Smith was the lion and the gladiator i vanquish (his whine of "Caesar!" was well-imitated too, though perhaps not so complimentarily). New Yorker Charles Turner played Ferrovius, and his huge presence was wonderful. I had to stage-slap him, and he was nervous about being hit, but he did me honor with how greatly he eventually trusted me. He was a spitting actor, but it was worth it. My patrician partner was Jason O'Neill. A great actor, and my closest friend in the cast. We made our big entrance from the front, so we had to walk around the building. After the show had been running a week or two, the unthinkable happened. We strolled into the lobby (Steve came on with us too), as the stage manager came tearing out of the booth. We'd missed our entrance, and scurried in. Unbelieveable. My third missed entrance in the space of a few months. The Captain was played by Billy Green, who did a nice job. Robert S. played the cowardly Spintho, with wonderful comedic presence. I liked him. I think he thought me a bit of a buffoon at first. He had propositioned me, i had declined, and soon after, i greeted him with a mock-punch. He told me not to do that (i don't blame him, it was faux-macho nonsense). Rachel Botchan played Lavinia with charm and grace. Having done the show before, i realized that an audience member might love a play, yet not like it if done by a different cast (even if that cast were just as good, or better). Eric Kuttner played Androcles. He was fine, but i thought his nervous quality wasn't quite as right as the sweetness i had given the role. Lou Tally played the menagerie keeper. We got along wonderfully, and i've never seen an actor continue growing with a role after opening, as much as he did. John Thomas, Leanne Braman, Cary Coffy, and Brent Smith were local actors, a pleasure to be around. But the (ahem) star of the show was local Nat Gerhart, who played a guard. He used recreational chemicals to prep for performances, and one night, he lost his balance onstage, proceeding to do an extended stagger-dance, trying to not fall down. He didn't succeed. Each night as the show music came up, Jason and/or i would do an abstract jungle-dance backstage, for the entertainment of all. My greatest moment was when i came down with food poisoning on the day of a matinee. By my final scene, i was on the backstage floor, lying inert. They were trying to figure out how to go on without me, but i pulled myself out. When my last line was spoken, long before i normally exited, i slipped offstage. I collapsed, not moving until after the curtain calls had ended. We did another show a few hours later. A great day. The soundman Todd and i hit it off (at least until i approached a woman he hadn't been able to get the nerve up for). He assembled the "I'm a Man" mix, a pseudo-rap with computerized rhythms and vocal tracks from the show ("I'm a Man" was one of my hugely-imitated lines). Bob took me on a trip across state to scout acting talent, but may have been disappointed in my heterosexuality. He felt my acting technique needed more schooling. During one rehearsal, he took my performance to a place that felt quite good, and i had trouble recapturing that exact feeling. Early on in my craft, my technique had centered on creating an extensive character biography. Lately i'd been experimenting with different ways of being alive in the moment, and not doing as much bio work (and honestly, the fact that i was making less money than the leads, also played a small part in my lessened prep time). A group of us had a weekly poker night, usually at Bonnard and Steve Wise's, who played the Centurion. Wonderful fun. The only sour note was when Jason and i were invited to Steve and Robert's Christmas party, but then un-invited, as they had overbooked. Sometime that year, i'd started using the surname Shineyoung. I had long been disenchanted with our patrilineal system, and how our given names were a reflection of our parents. The only tribal name i could think of was the anglicization of the Chinese for mountain goat, which is what my hosts had taken to calling me after watching me on the Great Wall. I used Shineyoung on and off for years.

release valve

Why not two?
Him for you (plus me too)
For i love him
and we love you

Three dogs were true
Nothin' worse than one or two
But one plus two?
How new

Sam Clemens, he knew
One girl can outscrew
Any eight guys she knew
(plus two)

He'd be for me too
Okay, not to woo
But just cos' we're nerdier
than you

Three we should try
See the other women cry
Both of us your guy
Sweet sigh...

everything

When i think of friendships lost
we poisoned sex...
Friendships that should have been
we poisoned sex...
Joy betrayed by jealous greed
we poisoned sex...
Incarceration in carnal isolation
we poisoned sex...
Sex took our touching
Sex took our belonging
Sex took our healing
Sex took our sex
we poisoned sex, then sex poisoned everything

FEMINIST OR NON-FEMINIST

Here it is, the game that's taking the world by storm! Pick up your clickers, it's time to play...FEMINIST OR NON-FEMINIST! The rules are simple. A question or statement will appear on the screen, containing words spoken by a man to a woman. You have to decide whether they're feminist. Or not! High scores move on to the image round. Everybody ready? Let's play...FEMINIST OR NON-FEMINIST!1) No more double standards! I tossed out your bikini tops.
2) I would never allow a woman of mine to not pay her own way.
3) Would you wear this strap-on, and bend me over like a bitch?
4) How 'bout you cook me a steak while i go down on you?
5) Yeah, my last girlfriend told me about that Dee Bovewuh, the Samoan, who said that girls should be responsible for their orgasms. I just had a ripper! How'd you do?
6) Honey, could you wear this Gloria Steinem mask to bed?
7) VOTE for Palin?? Not even if she worked my lever in the voting booth!
8) Would you consider being a contestant in the Elite Feminine Patriots Beauty Pageant?*
9) Would you wrestle me naked if i promise to let you win?
10) You're pretty cute...is your mom single?
*not made up

"Land of the Lost"

1974-1977
One of the seminal Saturday morning shows of my youth. Some of the creators were from the STAR TREK family. A father and two kids (Spencer Milligan, Wesley Eure, and Kathy Coleman) go river rafting and plunge through a hole in the earth, arriving at a dinosaur-laden land with no other humans, save some "missing link" creatures. They struggle to survive and find a way home. In the third season, Dad was replaced by Uncle Jack. The animatronics are sometimes laughable compared to KING KONG four decades earlier...but that's unfair, given that a TV show goes from idea to fruition in seven days. Is it just rose-colored bias to say that children's TV in the 70s made all that came after a bit lame in comparison?
GREATEST EPISODES (season)
-The Sleestak God (1)
The first appearance of the sleestak, some of the ookiest villains ever dreamt up (by David Gerrold, the same mind that gave us tribbles). Will and Holly are captured and held suspended over a misty pit. Discovering the sleestak fright of fire, Marshall and Cha-ka rescue them. One a' them sleestak is seventeen year-old future NBA all-star Bill Laimbeer.
-Downstream (1)
Penned by Larry Niven (!), our heroes try to find a way back home by rafting away on the river. But the river is circular, and they may be in a land out of time, as they discover a tetched confederate soldier who uses his cannon to keep the sleestak at bay. The lonely fella mines gems, and wants to make Marshall and the kids stay with him.
-The Hole (1)
Marshall is thrown into a pit, to be eaten by the sleestak god. He and Slatch, a verbal sleestak outcast who didn't de-evolve, escape together.
-The Paku Who Came to Dinner (1)
Actually, the previous title is more fitting for this one. Under the veneer of kiddie fun, this episode is a beautiful exploration of primal sexuality. After a month or so away from home, eleven year-old Holly stakes out her sexual turf, putting on makeup and perfume for the younger Cha-Ka. Mayhem follows as Cha-ka's brothers and even Grumpy the T-rex, react to the perfume. Ta and Sa kidnap Holly, to sniff themselves into orgasmic ecstasy. The real reason the show was canceled? The writers couldn't much longer avoid the episode where Uncle Jack walks in on Holly and Cha-Ka doing it pakuni-style. Think about the dynamics...a total population of five males and one female. Realistically, how long do you think it would have been before brother or dad slid over to Holly in the middle of the night? Don't be obtuse, you know it's true.
-Elsewhen (1)
Trying to open a time portal in the lost city, Will and Marshall are captured by sleestak. A woman (Erica Hagen) appears, who guides and encourages Holly. Holly finally realizes that the woman is herself, all grown up. She's also a babe. I mean, i'm not much for the Barbie type, but lordy.
-Survival Kit (3)
A cro-magnon man has convinced the sleestak he's a god. Uncle Jack and Will need the medicine the sleestak stole for tribute to Malak, to save Holly, so they must outwit the giant brute, played to the hilt by Richard Kiel (Jaws, of James Bond!).
-Flying Dutchman (3)
The family discovers a tall ship. Malak the cro-magnon is back, causing trouble. The ship turns out to be the cursed Flying Dutchman, and the solitary captain schemes to abduct thirteen year-old Holly. He drugs her, and puts her in his bed. Again audaciously for a kiddie show, his demeanor and caress leave no doubt that there's a whole lot of salty sex comin' Holly's way.
NOTEWORTHY
-Tar Pit (2)
In season 1, the pakuni had a limited vocabulary. Suddenly they're waxing pakuni-shakespearean...quite bizarre. Also notable is the replacement of Joe A. Giamalva with Scutter Mckay, as the tallest paku Ta. Don't do that to your loyal child audiences, producers. Thankfully, Sharon Baird is still playing against gender as Sa. Sharon's mouth acting is for the ages.
-One of Our Pylons is Missing (2)
Cha-ka falls down a hole to an anti-gravity power core, and Holly follows. The visuals are unintentionally hysterical...computer graphics in its infancy. You'll laugh and laugh.
-The Musician (2)
Cha-ka without makeup! Cha-ka without makeup!! Our crew unwittingly awaken "the builder", a glowing creature of phenomenal power. Cha-ka is told it's "his time", and suddenly gains prodigal musical talent. In a vision, he sees a human boy...and it's him! An uncredited Philip Paley, without makeup. He's so cute it almost hurts.
-Blackout (2)
The season finale, and Marshall's last episode (not that anyone knew, of course). A nice tale about a sleestak plot to achieve eternal nightfall in the Land of the Lost, which would result in sleestak overpopulation. Our heroes and Enik work together. It's fun to watch the other sleestak treat him as a dwarf, and the voice of the sleestak skull is too classic.
-After Shock (3)
Marshall falls through a pylon time portal, which is destroyed by a quake. Uncle Jack arrives in his raft, searching for our heroes. The cave is destroyed, and Ta and Sa have disappeared, so they all set up home in the temple by the lost city, over the ardent protests of the sleestak. Jack is played by Ron "heroic-human-dropped-into-bizarre-alien-world" Harper, fresh off his run as Virdon in the PLANET OF THE APES series. Cha-ka is no longer speaking 80% pakuni, he's shifted to 100% English. He sounds like Tonto. I suppose he might have learned that much by now...but really, it just feels like the producers couldn't be bothered to care anymore. All those paku words took time to dream up and memorize, but now...it just feels kind of sad. The sleestak are talking, too? Sigh.
-Scarab (3)
Evil Cha-ka! Evil Cha-ka! Our little paku is bitten by a magic bug, and goes on an evil spree. Evil Cha-ka!! Cue the ELO.

farewell, goofy prince

Leslie Nielsen, 1926-2010
Talk about finding one's niche. While it's short-sighted to reduce a filmography that spans sixty years and 239 titles to performances in one sub-genre, it's also no crime to salute the all-time clown prince of spoof! Leslie carved out a long career on the fringes of movie stardom, then at 62, found himself one level of superness above star. He did sixteen spoofs, and the majority (including one with fellow spoofmaster Mel Brooks) were mildly to achingly unfunny. Not that his talent ever let him down...the love child of Larry Olivier and Lucille Ball couldn't have made REPOSSESSED a gem. But that was the other singular quality of his stardom - a success rate that would have buried others. Would Pacino have kept getting work if three quarters of his films were unwatchable? So here's to you, Leslie. This is your hill, and these are your beans.
ESSENTIAL FILMOGRAPHY
-FORBIDDEN PLANET, 1956
The oft-overlooked gem of his career, he played the stalwart space commander in the film that lifted sci fi out of comic strip silliness. He was there at the rebirth of two genres.
-TAMMY AND THE BACHELOR, 1957
He played a faintly bow-legged leading man in this Debbie Reynolds musical romance, which is thoroughly charming (and not just because we know where his career is heading).
-THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, 1972
Who among us would have wagered that the white-haired, short-lived captain who goes (upside) down with his ship had a brighter future than Pamela Sue Martin?
-M*A*S*H, "The Ringbanger", 1973
As Col. Buzz Brighton, he brightened one of the top fifteen M*A*S*H episodes of all time.
-DAY OF THE ANIMALS, 1977
A B movie so ridiculous it's wonderful. Ozone depletion causes all animals (including Leslie) to go savage! Keep those dewy hiker girls away from him! His performance is so sublime that when he half-nakedly attacks a grizzly, you're sure for a second that he's going to kick its ass.
-AIRPLANE!, 1980
Surely this aging B movie leading man can't do broad, deadpan comedy?
-CREEPSHOW, 1982
His segment isn't the best, but seeing a zombified Ted Danson come after him is too classic.
-POLICE SQUAD!, 1982
The most laughter-intense TV show ever. Cancelled after four episodes.
-NUTS, 1987
The most chilling role of his career, as a homicidal john attacking Barbra Streisand. His performance was so violent it scared Babs into fighting back less than she intended.
-THE NAKED GUN, 1988
Hey. It's Enrico Pallazzo.
-THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2, 1991
If you think they needn't have made the sequels, go back and watch the bar scene. I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it.
-THE NAKED GUN 33 1/3, 1994
Do you have "Spartacus"?
-MEN WITH BROOMS, 2002
A non-spoof three-star comedy with heart.