epiphany by ejaculation

Yesterday, i was walking along the street, slowly overtaking a woman. She put her arm out to toss a cigarette butt. She glanced behind, and saw that she was about to throw it at me. Laughing, she told me she'd only had to do that once, to always be careful. People who toss their butts on the ground make me a bit ashamed of our country. I often good-naturedly say "civic pride" to offenders. I bit my tongue though, and we chatted for the next 100 feet, until she bumped into someone she knew, and i had a turn to make. If she hadn't met that friend, might i have skipped my turn? It would have been a bizarre thing to do, because i'd already uncovered what felt like eleven points of incompatibility.
What can you learn in 100 feet? She had a thirteen year-old daughter who bemoaned the non-presence of spring and couldn't appreciate that we'd been having a rainstorm, not a snowstorm. She was in college, aiming on being in the FBI and living in Virginia. She was black, and had hair that was unnatural...long and straight. It may have been a wig or extensions, and seemed out of synch with the fact that she didn't wear makeup. I liked her energy though, and based on that plus her body (perhaps athletic, with nice breasts), was having a sexual response.
I try to treat any single mother with an especially non-cavalier attitude, romantically. And i hate to say that i have a tiny bias against law enforcement types, but i do. It's unreasonable, of course, but not entirely...it seems that about once a year, some story or video comes out making the NYPD look like the most barbaric kind of thugs, or political pawns.
So let's see...smoker, fake hair, cop, child...it doesn't add up to "Pounce, rob!", is all i'm saying.
Yet for the rest of the day, i had sweet, lurid fantasies about her. I tailored them around the fact that we didn't seem to have much compatibility, but they ended up in carnal overdrive. I imagined saying to her, "I don't date, but how would you like to watch a movie together, and maybe rub each other's backs if we feel so inclined?" If she asked why i didn't date, i'd tell her i was impotent (which i jokingly thought might be a sane and fun way to approach all women, within a few years). Take the sexual tension away, yet find some way to touch her nakedly. In my fantasy, we'd become buddies, talking and cuddling, and at the end of the night i'd always give her the most tender massage...oil, skin, sensuality...eventually her desires would overwhelm her.
So much of my current headspace seems tied in to sex. My wounded spirit feels like an ever-seeking, devouring beast. My thoughts about making a baby, my feeling almost betrayed by having always been a "nice" guy...it adds up to feeling more sexualized, almost without respite.
I actually had a tiny window of respite yesterday though, which pointed up how unrelenting my drive has been. It was after i masturbated. In my taoist practice, i have orgasms without ejaculating, and ejaculate maybe once a year, just for the sake of doing so. I decided to do so yesterday. As soon as i did, it felt like a veil had been lifted. I felt unbothered by sex in any way. I felt the LUDICROUSNESS of my desire for children. Utter insanity. I saw how i had the most amazing life...a state of happiness that probably few humans ever achieve. Totally free to live and love and write, and play and swim and climb, and act and produce plays, and explore literature and cinema...free to come, free to go, to Boulder or to Baghdad, who knows? And i'm not one of those who say that the best sex you can have is with yourself, but in terms of cultivating an orgasm, i can't say they don't have a point.
Let's not make too much of this "epiphany-by-ejaculation", of course...i think my moment of clarity was far more psychological than physical.
But it was a fascinating moment.