mascot memories

Let me say up front that, like most sane people, i'm not a mascot fan. When confronted by a six-foot Mickey Mouse or Power Ranger or doughnut, my response is "That's fine, now go". I suppose it's because most mascots are corporate shills. The ones that aren't find some other way to be annoying, probably because they're so attention-seeking (if a huge mongoose walked down the street wanting nothing from nobody, then you might have something).
However, as a working actor, i happily confess i've donned the mascot duds from time to time.
It usually wasn't pure prostitution, most of the gigs were non-corporate or so goofy that i didn't care.
Here's my mascot history, in case you wondered why that huge possum touched you like he knew you. Maybe it was me, or maybe you just got felt up by a possum.
It started in FL as a Keystone Cop. One of my acting buddies, Jason, got us the gig. He and i stood by the highway, for some housing development, engaging in asshatery and gesturing at the company offices as cars sped past. It was a gig, man, it was a gig.
Jason roped us another paycheck, from Dunkin Donuts. Farmer Joe and a seven-foot egg with an inflating motor inside. You might think that Farmer Joe was the plum assignment, but my face wasn't visible inside the egg, so i didn't have to really "commit to character". What the hell kind of character is "egg", anyway? We hit some of the shops, and did one radio interview. I didn't say anything, i was an egg.
At the Greek cafe where i ran my first theater, Tony the owner asked me to do something once a week to create a buzz. Out front every Sunday for months, i created some new goofiness. A baby new year. A hayseed fishing out of the puddle in the parking lot. A mermaid. All five Village People. Tony always gave me a twenty, and the most wonderful Greek omelet ever. I was the baby new year another time, at a birthday party my friends threw for a friend. They asked me to do a striptease. In front of a hundred people, i happily did so.
In New York, i played Sponge Bob at least forty times, for a children's health service. It was an unofficial suit; my boss didn't want to pay royalties. I also did Spiderman once. I sometimes talked as Bob, but usually not. The kids asked WAY too many questions that quickly revealed me as the pretender i was. One night i had the costume and a girlfriend who loved Bob, and i wore it as we walked around the Village hand-in-hand.
I played Santa Claus, giving out presents in a children's hospital. The hospital was in the heart of an orthodox Jewish neighborhood, and i had to arrive there in costume. It was many blocks from the subway. The looks old Santy got from the locals were priceless.
I played a salty fisherman, handing out free newspapers. Possibly the most bought-soul day of my life.
I played Elvis. The first time was in a Broadway theater, as one of fifty Elvi in a memorial service for a producer. The second time was at an office party, where i downed the only shot of my life. It was so watered-down, i didn't feel a thing.
I played Adam (fig leaf and not-all) for Vitamuffin, at a food show. Three of the colder days of my life...they had a tiny space heater for each of us, which basically meant that a 1'x1' patch of our skin was warm, and nothing else. I saw other Adams in later years...i suspect they didn't ask me back because i wasn't conventionally handsome enough.
I did some kind of feline, or other mammal, for a private party. I may have been serving drinks, or not. My memory is hazy, but i promise it wasn't one of those "take the kitty in the bedroom" parties.
I played an astronaut at a business expo, for an internet company started by one of the losers of The Apprentice.
And the gem in my mascot history, the off-the-charts amazing Bananas, the monkey. Hit the "mascot" label to your right.