Twain by the Tale

THEATER 62
-fall 2001
Back at the Pirate Playhouse, changes had been made. Bob Kalfin's replacement had also been fired, and the theater had been renamed the J. Howard Wood (the result of a $500,000 contribution from the widow Wood - i thought the new name egotistic and dull, as did others). The new artistic director was Robert Shelhammer, my buddy from the Kalfin season. He asked me to audition. I was cast in an ensemble presentation of Mark Twain pieces. Our first-time director was local actor Victor Legaretta, a pleasant fellow. Our costumer was Jim Conti, one of the sweetest human beings ever. Amanda was cast as Eve, the Sagenfeld narrator, a precocious four year-old, and a french duelist. Shelhammer played Noah, Bemis the buffalo hunter, a soothsayer, and a french duelist. I was reunited with Joe Myers from BAREFOOT in Bonita, who played old Twain, an irish cop, and a state minister. Kelly Parker played Becky Thatcher, a befuddled interviewer, a donkey, a sassy and sizzlin' redhead, and a french cop. I'd met her a couple years before at a statewide audition, and had fallen for her a bit. I'd held on to her head shot, but she had forgotten me. Now she was living in Lee County, and engaged to Victor. Newcomer Ken Johnson played middle-aged Twain, a building inspector, an american in Paris, and Tom Sawyer. He was warm and talented, and his presence ensured frequent laughter. I played Adam, Prince Hubert, young Twain, a drunk priest, Orion Twain, Huck Finn, and Dubois. The show was a pleasure from start to finish. I had just finished TONY AND TINA’S - i shaved off my mohawk, and was bald opening week (my only hatless, wigless parts were Adam and Dubois). The set consisted of two huge open books that we walked out of, with a backdrop reminiscent of "Starry Night". As Adam, i was a deep-voiced egotist, and my verbal sparring with Amanda was a delight. Robert helped us find some really nice values to play. Playing Orion consisted mostly of listening to Shelhammer's crotchety Bemis tell tall tales, while munching a piece of jerky (my first ever, and i rather liked it). Playing Hubert, the sweet innocent prince, marked my second time performing "The Legend of Sagenfeld" (the first being the narrator in Sandi's T FOR TWO, my final college show). Shelhammer's teutonic soothsayer was a wacky delight. Kelly and Ken played a riotous succession of auditioners vying for "kingdom's sweetest singer"; during rehearsals, they cracked me out of character time after time. In the end, my prince rides to safety on Kelly. I could have ridden her all evening; she was soft and strong, and i was the only one able hear the muted, hysterical cursing that occasionally came from inside the mule head she wore. Amanda was delightful as a four year-old, giving a layered performance she oughtn't have been capable of yet. As young Twain, i read from the weather almanac, and struggled to find the right way to play it (in my defense, it was one of the least theatrical pieces). The end result was uneven - some nights they laughed, others not so much. I also had moustache issues; because of a quick change, i sometimes had onstage slippage. And it was during this piece that i was upstaged by a cat. The theater had adopted a feline named Norma. She was black and white, and not quite a year old. One night, she decided it was time to overcome her shyness, and walked onstage while i was acting - i didn't see her, but the audience sure did. Playing a soused irish priest was a lot of fun (and a teeny reminder of the marathon drunk/stoned-acting i'd just finished in TONY AND TINA’S). At the start of TWAIN, we didn't know which parts we were playing. Because of this, i'd been hesitant to sign on. When the parts were assigned, i was relieved to be playing almost exactly what i had wanted. During the show, i lived in cast housing with Shellhammer, in a beautiful place on the Sanibel backwaters, with gators and Dexter, a delightful old stick-thin cat. Over the next six months, i lived in a succession of houses (and an inn) on the island, most of them quite swank. In Act Two, my first character was Huck. Ken played Tom, and our scene produced one of the more-mimicked lines of the show, "Yeah, bean's good, I done that". I was carrying around a prop dead cat. It was very lifelike, and had been modeled after Norma (which was especially funny the night of her upstaging). Jumping around as the barefoot Huck was wonderful, and Ken was so much fun to act with. My final character was Dubois, the second to Amanda's duelist. We made our entrance from the front, and it was wonderful sharing that final long walk around the building with her. Ken played a traveling american who agrees to be second for an uptight frenchman, played by Shelhammer. We trotted out our most ridiculous french accents. Amanda's duelist was almost too frightened to speak. Kelly played a policeman, and the scene was a delightful, hysterical way to end the show. Early on, i'd pushed for the inclusion of "The War Prayer", an anti-war indictment published posthumously. It would have been topical, as the american war machine was gearing up for an invasion of Afghanistan, in pursuit of Bin Laden (never mind that he didn't happen to be there). I even offered to perform it in the lobby during intermission. Robert said we could never do it, as the "un-Americanness" of it wouldn't have been accepted by the community. One of my favorite moments was backstage, just before Amanda went on as the four year-old. I hid in the darkness underneath the "book" while she passed almost directly over me, not realizing i was there. A couple weeks into the show, i touched her while she was waiting to go on. She couldn't believe she'd never noticed. It was so sweet to play in that theater again. The reviews were quite nice, doting in particular on myself and Robert.